Mom issue

Okay.. This could have the potential of getting really long, so, I'll try to keep it short.

My mother watches my son during the week while I'm at work 7am-6pm M-F

While I think its a great thing that he is in good hands, I am having some major issues & I dont know if this is normal. ..


I think my mother is getting a little bit TOO attached to him. Yes, shes the grandma, and shes acting like a mom/grandma, but I kind of think shes taking things to the extreme a little bit.

For instance..

Whenever ds does something new (& exciting or funny) & I tell her.. She rolls her eyes & insists that it is because she taught him, not me or my DH. She has passed comments to my DH that she knows my DS better then he does, and that she has experience with 3 kids... DH has none.

Now, honestly , I cant even say enough about how great a father my DH is, but my mother seriously does not think before she speaks & is constantly criticising our parenting skills to a point where I really just want to tell her to MHOB!

If we take DS for a haircut.. She makes a remark about it saying he dont need one. She flat out told us both that she has no idea what my MIL does when she watches my son (She obviosuly doesn't trust her, for whatever reason). She scolded us about keeping our 13 lb harmless dog away from the baby because he could jump on my 32lb son & knock him over. Everytime we take our son out , she tells us we shouldn't be "dragging the kid" everywhere we go. Oh yeah and the thought of putting him in to daycare gives her heart palpitations!

Now I understand that she is just being a mother, BUT, I'm starting to think shes crossing the line a wee bit. I'm afraid to tell her anything about my DS because she will either take credit for it, or criticize us!

Top it ALL off, (And this is a totally different subject,) she smokes like a chiminey & insists that she smokes outside or in the bathroom only). My DS REEKS of smoke when we pick him up at night...

I dont know if I'm looking for advice, or I'm just ranting.

Has anyone gone through something similar?

Re: Mom issue

I think she's really crossing the line. Yes, she does care for your DS and spends a lot of time with him, but the fact is YOU are his mother. Whether she agreese with your parenting or not you are still his mother and remind her that you were raised well by her so she needs to step back.
Also, what she says to your DH is just wrong. It sounds like she's taking over too much.

She loves you and your son, but you do need to speak to her about how you feel. Is there a way he can go to daycare a couple of days a week and she watches him the other time?

Re: Mom issue

above all else the smoking thing bothers me....end that now

Re: Mom issue

I think some of that stuff comes with the mom watching our kids territory. It's unrealistic in my opinion to think that our moms can watch our kids the entire day and act like babysitters, you know what I mean? They are used to being our moms so they will tell us a ton of crap that we would never hear from someone we hired.

Can you tell my mom takes care of my DD while I work too? I will say that little by little I have curbed the stuff I do not like and my dad has been a great ally! The two things I would try to nip in the bud are her telling DH anything about his parenting skills and the smoking. I would be pretty pi$$sed off about those two things because to me they would cross the line. The other stuff is annyoying as heck but I would try to ignore it- unless it really bothers you.

Re: Mom issue

1st ,WOW, you are lucky to have her caring for DS that many hours.
2nd I think you need to have a heart to heart with her. If you feel you can not express yourself well this way, maybe you can write her a letter.
3rd recent studies show that 3rd hand smoke(residue on clothes and carpets etc) is dangerous. I am sure you can google it and maybe show her. She obviously loves DS and would not want to knowingly harm him.
Good Luck!

Re: Mom issue

I don't know if you have any other daycare options, but her comments aside, there is NO WAY my mother would be watching my kids if she smoked. Second and third hand smoke can cause so many health problems, I'd rather be poor and send him to daycare.



As for the comments, I would get the same thing from my sister, who was our nanny until we moved. It was beyond irritating but I felt like I couldn't say anything since she was doing us a favor (we paid her a lot less than we'd pay a daycare). I am so much happier now that DS is in daycare. I really don't think I would ever choose to have family watch my kids full time again, but that's based on my own experience.

Re: Mom issue

Re: Mom issue

ABC news story about 3rd hand smoke
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/CancerPreventionAndTreatment/story?id=6586810&page=1

Re: Mom issue

Re: Mom issue

First of all she sounds like she is stepping over the line and if you dont get it into check now it will just get worse as he gets older and more attached.

Also wether she smokes outside or not its in her clothes on her hands and it still efects him so i would think a lot about that!!

I think you need to talk to her and take back control. Its awesome to have an amazing grandman I know i do but still she is GRANDMA!

Re: Mom issue

Thanks everyone.

Really, I appreciate the feedback. This is putting such a strain on my relationship with her- especially since she is completely unapproachable.

Oh and to boot, she does NOT watch my son for free. I pay her over $1000 a month which pays her rent.

So... you see the issue. I'm stuck.

Re: Mom issue

I would get a new sitter now. Let her figure out a new way to pay her rent. That is not your problem. Do it now before your relationship gets worse.

Re: Mom issue

You need to have a serious sit down with her and lay down the rules.

Re: Mom issue

I'm sorry - "Mom" issues aside, there's NO way I'd be leaving my kid w/ a smoker all day -
I don't care if she smokes outside or in the bathroom - if it's her home, she's smoking anywhere and everywhere when he's not there - and if she's smoking, it's on her clothes, her hands, etc etc ...........

You're paying $1000 a month to get berated, leave your kid w/ a smoker and have her tell your DH she knows his kid better than he does ????

I'm sorry, I don't care how unapproachable my Mother was, I'd NEVER let her talk to my DH like that - I would take my Mom's crap before I let her dish it out to my husband, that's not being a Mom - that's being unbeliebably obnoxious !!

Re: Mom issue

Posted by SIBride06

Thanks everyone.

Really, I appreciate the feedback. This is putting such a strain on my relationship with her- especially since she is completely unapproachable.

Oh and to boot, she does NOT watch my son for free. I pay her over $1000 a month which pays her rent.

So... you see the issue. I'm stuck.

Re: Mom issue

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by SIBride06

Thanks everyone.

Really, I appreciate the feedback. This is putting such a strain on my relationship with her- especially since she is completely unapproachable.

Oh and to boot, she does NOT watch my son for free. I pay her over $1000 a month which pays her rent.

So... you see the issue. I'm stuck.

You can say as he's getting older, you want him to socialize with other children & get him in a school-like setting.

Re: Mom issue

Posted by SIBride06

Thanks everyone.

Really, I appreciate the feedback. This is putting such a strain on my relationship with her- especially since she is completely unapproachable.

Oh and to boot, she does NOT watch my son for free. I pay her over $1000 a month which pays her rent.

So... you see the issue. I'm stuck.

Re: Mom issue

Posted by SIBride06

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by SIBride06

Thanks everyone.

Really, I appreciate the feedback. This is putting such a strain on my relationship with her- especially since she is completely unapproachable.

Oh and to boot, she does NOT watch my son for free. I pay her over $1000 a month which pays her rent.

So... you see the issue. I'm stuck.

You can say as he's getting older, you want him to socialize with other children & get him in a school-like setting.

This is exactly what I'm looking into for the Summer months coming up.

Re: Mom issue

Wow! I don;t really know what to say! I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation.

While I wish my DS could be with family instead of having to go to daycare, if my mom or MIL or anyone said some of that stuff about how they know my child better then me and in any way made DH feel like he wasn't a good dad, I would not be able to allow it!

I know she's your mom and you feel guilty - like you need to help her out - but by acting the way she is, she is undermining you. I pay less then that for daycare for DS, so it's not like she is helping you out.

I would definately have a talk with her (easier said then done, I am sure - I have a terrible guilt complex and would hate to have to do it) but tell her if she does not knock it off, you will have to find a new arrangement.

As for the smoking, yeah, that would piss me off too. Both my parents smoked all the time and to this day I still LOATHE the smell of cigarette smoke - though I will say luckily I have never had any breathing problems from it.

Oh, and I think using the socialization thing is great - makes it like you aren't saying she's not good enough, just that daycare offers something she can't.

Good luck!!

Re: Mom issue

You could be describing my mom to a tee!!!!!

The only difference is my mom only watches DD once a week, and we actually cut it out after I saw the relationship bet her and DH becoming strained.
Can you sit down privately with her and have a heart to heart?
I know how difficult it is, my mom can be totally impossible sometimes! Sorry I don't have any better advice

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Re: Mom issue

I understand that she is the primary caregiver of your child during the week, but if you cannot talk to her about her "behavior" then you need to invest in another daycare option.

Seriously though, the smoking has got to go. Your child should not be subjected to it. I am so sorry to sound harsh but smoking to me is not an option around a child even if it's done in the bathroom.

The smoke smell would be enough for me to get another daycare option.

Re: Mom issue

I don't have a mom I can count on, she lives in brazil. I have my MIL near by. However I chose not to leave DS with her for many of the reasons you have just listed. #1 She thinks she knows it all. She's the #1 expert on children. #2 She smokes. I never ever ever ever want him around that. I can't tell her not to smoke in her own house, so I avoid going there at all costs. She is always criticizing everythign I do. "Why don't I give hima blanket" Why don't I ever bring him to see her?" "why why why" She's not a bad person she's just lacking some common sense. I feel for you because its your own mom so you don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time you can't let her treat you like that.
I honestly would let her have it. Tell her how you feel and how you're starting to think this arrangement is not working out for you. You need your sanity in order to be able to function at work. You need your peace of mind! If him being with your mom is not making you feel at ease I would find another arrangement.

Re: Mom issue

Posted by babyonthebrain

I don't have a mom I can count on, she lives in brazil. I have my MIL near by. However I chose not to leave DS with her for many of the reasons you have just listed. #1 She thinks she knows it all. She's the #1 expert on children. #2 She smokes. I never ever ever ever want him around that. I can't tell her not to smoke in her own house, so I avoid going there at all costs. She is always criticizing everythign I do. "Why don't I give hima blanket" Why don't I ever bring him to see her?" "why why why" She's not a bad person she's just lacking some common sense. I feel for you because its your own mom so you don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time you can't let her treat you like that.
I honestly would let her have it. Tell her how you feel and how you're starting to think this arrangement is not working out for you. You need your sanity in order to be able to function at work. You need your peace of mind! If him being with your mom is not making you feel at ease I would find another arrangement.

Message edited 3/4/2010 2:36:15 PM.

Re: Mom issue