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Stefanie
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Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
Posted by Lucky
With what she has said to you, I wouldn't have her babysit anymore. Let her schedule a time to see RJ every week or every other week. Honestly, this whole thing is impacting you, which in the end means it is impacting RJ. Look how upset you are! Kids definitely know when there is tension so why allow her to creep into your emotions and make you a wreck. Just take control of the situation and tell her that there has been a change in plans. You need to do this for the welfare of your SON! Who does she think she is anyway?!?!?!
ITA! RJ is going to pick up on this soon enough.
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Posted 5/16/08 8:54 AM  |
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Ang-Rich
Beyond Compare
Member since 5/05 17988 total posts
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
You shouldn't have to constantly deal with whatever MIL's issues are. I agree with everyone...put your little man in daycare full time.
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| Posted 5/16/08 8:54 AM |
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I agree with everyone..put him in daycare. My parents and inlaw don't see my children everyweek and they survive, so will your MIL.
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| Posted 5/16/08 8:54 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I just hate to use my son as punishment...
Even though, it would really be to make my life easier, she will make it like Im punishing her...
I really dont know what to do.. I dont wanna burn bridges either, because when DS is sick I do use her for childcare...
Im so angry with her, and most of all hurt. As a mother, how can she think that its acceptable to sit around and trash talk a mother to a daughter???
I hate the way she makes me feel, and now she is spewing those same feelings onto my mother...
Im seriously at a loss...
I was thinking of giving her 1 morning/week and having her drop DS off @ daycare when she has to go to work, and giving my mom the full day the other day...
I mean in all seriousness, after all thats been said and done, how can I expect my mother to want to be face to face with my MIL?
My MIL has always made remarks to my mom; my mom said she has even made remarks on how she thinks my moms house is unsafe because there is no molding currently in her foyer . She sent sunscreen to my moms house, and said "you should take him outside and make sure you use my sunscreen, because its aveen"
I thought I was the mother- isnt it my call what sunscreen is best? Im sure whatever brand my mother bought was just fine.
My MIL does things like this to me all the time. She insults you by questioning you- (ie: one day she went to the bank and the baby told her "no I wait here" she asked me why he wouldve said that "unless of course I leave him in the car unattended") She doesnt come out and accuse, she just suggests...
My mom said to me last night, "I always listen to the things you say, and wonder why you care she says/asks these things, but now for the first time I know exactly how you feel."
This is my child, and I dont care if MIL is sick and tired of hearing it, she is not owed "visatation" like she thinks she is...
and Ill be damned if she is going to question my son, insuiating that myself, my DH, my mother, brother ANYONE is not good enough to be taking care of him.
Again, Im at my breaking point, and I dont know where to go from here...
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| Posted 5/16/08 9:31 AM |
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juanvi
Get Out!
Member since 10/06 4463 total posts
Name:
Christina
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I'd oblige her and let her see your dc only on fridays by appointment  sorry she's making you go through this 
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| Posted 5/16/08 9:41 AM |
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curley999
Family!
Member since 5/05 2314 total posts
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I too have a difficult and opinionated MIL and my ILs watch my DDs 1 day a week. The only reason I allow this is becuase I can not stand to visit with them on my weekends.
However as difficult as my ILs are I dont think they compare to your MIL who truly sounds like a piece of work. I know the feeling of trying not to burn bridges and allowing the kids to bond with grandparents ect, but when it truly affects you at this level I think you have to make a change.
I would put DS in daycare 4 days a week and have your mom watch him 1 full day. ILs can see him on friday by appointment. I think MIL needs to learn that you are not going to tolerate her nonsense and if she wants to see your DS she needs to respect you and your family
Good Luck
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| Posted 5/16/08 9:55 AM |
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pmpkn087
Life is good...
Member since 9/05 18504 total posts
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Stephanie
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I would take this as the time that I start listening to MIL and only "allow" her to see him every other Friday at a "scheduled" time  . If that's what she wants, that's what she shall get.
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| Posted 5/16/08 9:57 AM |
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Stefanie
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Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I don't think you "owe" you MIL ANY time at this point right now. She is behaving like an @ss. I'm surprised your own mother hasn't smacked her from the comments she has made.
What I think is that she needs some time to be alone....no RJ...not on Fridays or the weekends or even during the week. She's done for a while. Let her see what she is doing to you and the consequences of her actions.
Remember you don't OWE her anything at all. In order to get respect, you need to give it. She needs a class in behaving properly.
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| Posted 5/16/08 10:11 AM |
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vegalady
Love my family
Member since 6/06 4546 total posts
Name:
SNV
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
After her comment I would definitely put him in daycare full time. If she wants to see him then she can do so on the weekends.
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| Posted 5/16/08 10:15 AM |
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JennasMom
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Member since 11/05 3463 total posts
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does it matter
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I agree with the others, you DON"T need the aggravation, put him in daycare with his buddy 
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| Posted 5/16/08 11:08 AM |
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twiceasnice
LIF Adult
Member since 2/08 1126 total posts
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
Posted by Princessmaris
I just hate to use my son as punishment...
Even though, it would really be to make my life easier, she will make it like Im punishing her...
I really dont know what to do.. I dont wanna burn bridges either, because when DS is sick I do use her for childcare...
Im so angry with her, and most of all hurt. As a mother, how can she think that its acceptable to sit around and trash talk a mother to a daughter???
I hate the way she makes me feel, and now she is spewing those same feelings onto my mother...
All of the above is what you should tell her and move him to full time daycare. You appreciate her support and you appreciate your mothers support. If she feels like she is being punished remind her that your mother may feel the same way but you and your DH's main concern is the environment your DS is in and at this point consistency seems to be the best. He is getting older and more aware and the shifting of environments can be confusing. You would hope she is available for days DS may need her and if she has days off maybe you can schedule her in to watch him, but right now trying to accommodate both grandma's is overwhelming and feelings are being hurt all around so this decision will be best for all.
Your MIL has a major jealousy issue with your Mom and you over your DS and DH. She really needs a reality check to ground her.
BTW - I had the SAME problem and it all worked out. I still get "Oh does he even remember me" or "everyone misses him terribley" or "it still hurts me that I don't see him every week". But the guilt trips don't work because I use her for nights or weekends, she is so grateful now.
Message edited 5/16/2008 12:10:31 PM.
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| Posted 5/16/08 12:09 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
Its up to you not to use it as a punishment. In other words say it rationally to her. tell her your boss/friends have seen so much progress in RJ since hes been there. You would like to put him in ft so he can learn more and be prepped for kindergarten. Something simple like that will do. Also, she doesnt have to know your mom is watching him 1x a week. Do whats best for you.
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| Posted 5/16/08 1:21 PM |
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DancinBarefoot
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
I just hate to use my son as punishment...
I too would hate it, but what choice do you really have???
Even though, it would really be to make my life easier, she will make it like Im punishing her...
Well, if she is going to make it out like that anyway, why not play it up and try to take advantage of the situation to show her how ridiculous she is behaving. For example, when she says "you're just doing this to punish me", you can respond in the most sarcastic tone you can muster "of course I am, because that is what mothers do - use their children to punish others" OR "of course I am, when you suggested you see DS by appointment only on Fridays, I said to myself, self, MIL wants me to punish her and has even figured out what punishment would be best, so I went with it".
I hate the way she makes me feel, and now she is spewing those same feelings onto my mother...
If you don't put DS in daycare 5 days she will soon be spewing those feelings onto you son.
Good luck with your dilemna.
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| Posted 5/16/08 1:59 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
"of course I am, when you suggested you see DS by appointment only on Fridays, I said to myself, self, MIL wants me to punish her and has even figured out what punishment would be best, so I went with it".
I love this. Maris go with it... LOL
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| Posted 5/16/08 2:28 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help!
So here is a "mini" update:
I have been tossing and turning about what I should do, and to be honest Im still unsure.
My main concern, is the seed she is planting in my child. If he is questioning my son on what is done with me, my DH, or my mom and implying that the care isnt suffice then, I'm extremely uncomfortable leaving him there. I almost feel like he is being brainwashed...
I have decided to send him to school with me all next week (yes, for those that dont already know I run the daycare DS attends-you would think this would be a no-brainer decision,right?) The following week, due to memorial day and a scheduled day off- DS will continue his normal 3 day schedule- but the other 2 days he'll be home with me...
Hopefully that'll give me 2 weeks of time to decide what is best.
Thank you all for everything. Throughout my entire life- everything Ive been through (which those that know my story, know its been a challenge) SHE is the most difficult obstacle I continue to overcome. I really dont know where Id be without support from my IRL friends, along with all my LIF friends- thanks again!
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| Posted 5/17/08 8:08 AM |
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shellybean
Love my Baby Boy!
Member since 4/07 5191 total posts
Name:
mich
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help! (mini update on pg 2)
Posted by Princessmaris
So here is a "mini" update:
I have been tossing and turning about what I should do, and to be honest Im still unsure.
My main concern, is the seed she is planting in my child. If he is questioning my son on what is done with me, my DH, or my mom and implying that the care isnt suffice then, I'm extremely uncomfortable leaving him there. I almost feel like he is being brainwashed...
I have decided to send him to school with me all next week (yes, for those that dont already know I run the daycare DS attends-you would think this would be a no-brainer decision,right?) The following week, due to memorial day and a scheduled day off- DS will continue his normal 3 day schedule- but the other 2 days he'll be home with me...
Hopefully that'll give me 2 weeks of time to decide what is best.
Thank you all for everything. Throughout my entire life- everything Ive been through (which those that know my story, know its been a challenge) SHE is the most difficult obstacle I continue to overcome. I really dont know where Id be without support from my IRL friends, along with all my LIF friends- thanks again!
Good for you!!!
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| Posted 5/17/08 8:15 AM |
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SuzyQ
Mama to 3!?!?!?
Member since 7/06 8069 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help! (mini update on pg 2)
Ugh!!! How incredibly annoying that you have to deal with this. She definitely sounds extremely jealous. And I think you're right about her basically brainwashing DS. You and your mom certainly should not have to answer to her. About ANYTHING. Your 2 week break sounds like a good idea. I think taking him to daycare with you 5 days a week sounds like the best solution. I hope it all works out.
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| Posted 5/17/08 8:24 AM |
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Moehick
Ready for the sun!
Member since 5/05 30339 total posts
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Properly perfect™
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help! (mini update on pg 2)
Put him in daycare 5x a week...plenty of kids get to spend time with their grandmothers and develop a relationship with them even if they are in FT daycare. It sounds like the sanest thing for all involved
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| Posted 5/17/08 9:30 AM |
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rojerono
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Member since 8/06 13803 total posts
Name:
Jeannie
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help! (mini update on pg 2)
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I had a friend that was similar in that she would 'question' or 'suggest' things about my caregiving in a manner that was designed to make me feel like cr*p. It is extremely passive aggressive behavior - but I have learned that much of it stems from a desire to play the victim. I mean - she says something messed up and when you react appropriately she is suddenly feeling 'attacked' without ever acknowleging that the initial provocation may have come from her.
I have learned that the best way to deal with these people is head on and RIGHT AWAY. I feel that this kind of personality is a little unstable and it is almost impossible to have a rational discussion 'after the fact'.
Call her out in the moment in the nicest possible manner and teach your mother to do the same. For example, if she suggests that you use her lotion instead of yours because it's better be very calm and say "Thank you for the lotion and the word of advice, but I am curious as to what makes Aveeno a better brand than X. The research I have done has indicated that any lotion with a valid expiry date and an SPF above 30 is sufficient. But if you have learned something different, I would love to share it with my friends and colleagues." If she suggests that your son indicates he has been left alone in a car for any length of time, nip it "I would never do that. I have to admit that I find it a little offensive that you think that I would, but be assured that I am smarter than that." It makes her less a victim and she will hate that.
Once you and your mom realize that your MIL has some serious issues, it will be easier to 'desensitize' yourselves to her comments.
Good luck!
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| Posted 5/17/08 9:49 AM |
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Stefanie
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Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help! (mini update on pg 2)
I think you're making the right decision. You will see how full time is perfect for RJ and less headaches/drama for you.
I'm assuming she hasn't contacted you or your dh?
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| Posted 5/17/08 10:13 AM |
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monkeybride
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Re: Mom/Mil childcare drama, please help! (mini update on pg 2)
Just reading this now and
You know what's best for you and RJ, don't let MIL guilt you into anything.
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| Posted 5/17/08 11:40 AM |
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