Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

SO I have been reading the book Toddler Taming...and it got me thinking about the way I have been handling Talia lately.

My question for you guys is how often do you give in when your child wants something. And more importantly how do I know when a tantrum should be ignored vs. rewarded...for example sometimes I think she has a tantrum because she wants something that she can totally have - like a snack...but she gets upset because of her frustration in not knowing the words yet to ask for it.

Is giving her the snack "rewarding" the behavior?

On the issues of things she can't do - or have - I think I am giving in too much...but I am not sure. What are your limits and bounderies and how do you handle tantrums and other attention getting toddler techniques?

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

See its hard- because Ryan too- has tantrums, about things he can have- but then the way he goes about getting it- (like smacking me in the face) because he cant verbalize, is all wrong...

I try and do the sit down together and time out for 20 seconds, and then wetogether, calmly go get the snack, or whatever it is...

Im not sure he graps the concept- but I figure one day it will click

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

We are having tantrums over here too so I know the feeling.

If she is tantruming over something she is supposed to have, like food or a bottle I give it to her.

My rule is I don't say no if I am not prepared to follow through, so if I say "if you keep putting that in your mouth I am going to take it" and she does, then I take it.

I am trying not to fall into the trap where I say no and let her do it anyway because I don't want her to be a brat.

So when I say no I mean it, but I choose my battles very carefully. Does that make sense?

Message edited 2/22/2007 8:46:07 PM.

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

it does make sense- but holy crap I feel like I am saying no a lot these days. Or I spend my whole day negotiating.

Some of it I think might be my fault - is my house not babyproofed enough for example (Although I think it wouldnt matter...like the other day I found her on the coffee table - the only way to avoid that is to get rid of all my furniture).

It's not bad now - but I know it can, and probably will get worse. I just dont want to be the mom that says no - stop - dont - all day.

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

I am at a loss...maybe you can offer some suggestions from the book?

Monday, we stayed home all day to relax he must of had about 20 temper tantrums. Most of them are caused by me saying "no" to something he is noy allowed to do.

He has also become very bratty and bossy with other babies. At Gymboree he pulls the other babies and steals their toys.

I felt so bad today he pulled Eireann's daughter's hair, hard! Sorry

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

Alex is the queen of tantrums. THE QUEEN. I have to catch one of these puppies on camera - it will give everyone a dose of reality on how good they have it

No, really, Alex hit the terrible two's about two months ago. One of the things that REALLY helps is teaching her sign language, so we have cut down significantly on the temper tantrums that come out of sheer frustration, so thankfully, those are few and far between these days.

Alex's tantrums usually arise when I tell her no, or try to take something out of her hand. THose times aren't negotiable. I used to be a real softie and just give in for the sake of keeping peace in the house, but OMG, what a little brat she became! For the last month or so, I've been very consistent. If she does something wrong, I say NO, sternly. If she does it again, I say NO, Alex, I'm giving you one warning, if you do it again, I'm taking you away. And trust me, she knows exactly what I'm saying. If she's feeling defiant and continues, I pick her up and put her in the other room and walk away. She cries, runs to me, hugs me and I tell her I accept her apology.

Now, I've been doing this consistently for about a month, and let me tell you, it's working, it really is. I hate being the bad guy, and I hate always having to say no, but I'm finding that the more consistent I am, the less I actually have to say NO because she understands that I'm serious and respects that (as much as a 17 month old can ).

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

I am really greatful for this thread, I need ideas too.

Dd is good at asking for what she wants so some of it is frustration but not all of it.
For example- she will ask for a "baba" and I say "ok, I will go get you one" and when she realizes she is not getting it instantly, she freaks.

Also when she is hungry she asks for "mmmmmm's" and I don't have it right away she tantrums.

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

I try to calm her down first and ask her what she would like. I tell her Mommy can't understand you when you yell. Once I calm her down I will give her what she wants if it is something she is supposed to have. If it is something that she is not supposed to have I will usually try and distract her.

Tantrum suck big time!

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

If it is something that she can have anyway, like a drink or a toy, I just give in and let her have it. DH and I are both the type of people who don't think it's good to argue about silly little things (like it was in my house growing up) so I just think of it as picking battles. I don't want her to think I'm a push over but I also don't want her to think that everything in the world has to be this big deal that is worth getting all in a tiff about, you know? And she does know when I mean something, and when we're serious, because my tone changes and she gets a little pouty face on but knows that she has to stop.

As far as the thigns that are serious, I might tell her no, but I always explain to her why. I try to explain it 2 times, once and then repeat myself, to try and help her to get it. If she's still upset I'll just start something new, get on the floor to play with a different toy, offer her something else, something like that.

For example tonight she had the laptop on her lap and we were watching music videos on the playhouse disney websie while she was taking her nebulizer. We have been giving it to her every 4 hours since she had an attack on tuesday, and it was the only thing we could do to make her stay still for her medicine. Of course when the nebulizer was done and we needed to put the computer away, she had a total fit. She was screaming and telling me No No No Mommy! So I just said Lets brush your teeth and sang the brusha brusha song that we do, and she squealed with delight, ran to the bathroom door and was ready to brush her teeth.

It was a total distraction but it got her mind off of what she couldn't have anymore, and it's not like I was bribing her with something bad. Brushing her teeth is a good thing.

I don't know if I'm doing it the "right way" but it works this way for us.

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

We learned that most of the tantrums weren't as much about wanting something they could/couldn't have as much as they wanted to control things & couldn't communicate it.

For example, Joseph would want juice. I would open the refrigerator door to get it out & he would fall to pieces crying. So then I started saying "Do you want juice?' He would say he wanted it. What he couldn't tell me was that he wanted to open the door.

So we started giving choices more & gave them jobs to do. "Please find the cups." Then I would say get out milk & juice and ask which one he wanted. He points out milk...I say "Ok you hold the cup" (because no doubt he wanted to pour ). Same thing with ketchup. I wouldn't dream of putting ketchup on a plate without them pointing out where they wanted it.

The other thing is prepping them for things that are going to happen. In five minutes, we need to put our shoes on. In one minute we have to put our shoes on...then immediately start counting "10...9...8......3...2...1" and say ok go. They have no sense of time so you can make up any amount of time & just count. My friend used to set a timer which she found helpful. It didn't work for me because there was no countdown.

Didn't work all of the time but cut down on the tantrums significantly.

Re: Moms of toddlers - Tantrum questions and terrible 2 thoughts.

I give a lot of choices to avoid meltdowns. Like when I say it is time to take a bath and get ready for bed and he yells at me "NO!"...I change the subject and say, "Do you want to wear your blue or red pajamas?" He totally forgets that he was about to be a little brat and gets excited about picking his pjs.

Same thing at lunch time, dinner time. Jack is notorious for not wanting to eat what I give him. So he gets to pick his cup, his plate, etc while I make dinner. Makes him feel like he does have some say in making the decicions.

Also, if I say no and he insists on a tantrun I let him go to town! He knows that i don't listen or respond when he acts like that and I tell him when he is ready to act like a big boy and tell Mommy what he needs, then I'll be able to listen. Works every time.