Need advice on how to handle situation..

So, my SIL has said for a while now that she thought it would be "so much fun" if we got pregnant together. This is the SIL that also booked their wedding one month after ours. And although it was nice to have someone to plan everything with - it also caused some drama and tension at times. After that, I knew I did not want to "plan" to get pregnant at the same time. SO, my DH and I already decided a few months ago that I would come off BC in Feburary to start trying in May (we kept this to ourselves for multiple reasons. All of a sudden SIL has the baby itch and is saying how they want to start trying in August but she really wants to get pregnant together so she's not sure. She has no idea we already have a plan, she thinks we are not ready yet. I'm affraid that if I don't tell her, she will think I was sneaky and just wanted to be pregnant before her. But at the same time, we didn't want anyone to know we are TTC... My question is.... Do I tell her? Would you want someone close to you to start trying at the same time?

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

I think it is your choice not to tell her. TTC is a very personal thing for some couples.

It could take one couple a month to get pregnant - and one couple a year - so trying at the same time doesn't really matter.

I wouldn't say anything personally - and go on with what you want to do with your life!

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

That's my biggest fear... one of us will end up hurt. Because no two women are the same so most likely we will both not get pregnant at the same time even if we planned it...

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

I just don't want her to think we 'jumped' ahead of her, if that makes sense. She has been talking about it a lot lately to family members and I would hate for them to think that I 'suddenly" wanted a baby because she told everyone they will be trying. I am just not the kind of person that will go around and tell everyone the exact month we will be trying (well, except for on here )

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

I agree with the PP. Trying to conceive is an extremely personal thing, and you should not tell her just because you don't want her to think you are sneaky.

Your actions of keeping a very personal thing between you and your DH is a private normal choice, not one that makes you sneaky.

Some people need to be in a relationship all the time, others need to do everything in their life with someone. Just because you do not share the same affinity for doing everything together, does not make you sneaky.

I say continue on with your plan, and should it ever be an issue, simply tell your SIL that you and your DH decided that this was a private matter that you did not want to share with others until you knew the pregnancy was at a point you were comfortable with. You could also tell her that you would not have been comfortable wih the pressure of TTC at the same time as someone else.

It's hard enough for it to happen naturally and alone without having to time it at the same time as someone else.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

I don't know.

Maybe it's just me... but I felt NO obligation whatsoever to tell anyone when we started to TTC. I think it's a very personal thing.

If you two are TTC at the same time... it could become like a competition and add even more stress. If one gets PG first, the other might feel envious.. or both get PG and one has a m/c... it could be a bad situation.

I think you need to just live you life as you want.. and let her do the same. If it comes up and you feel comfortable talking about it, then go ahead. But if you don't... then don't feel bad.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Keep it to yourself

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

ITA with the above posters-TTC is a personal choice and you have to do what you feel is right!

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

DH and I have been trying since August and have only hinted that we might be TTC but have not announced it to anyone.

I have to ask are you nervous about becoming pregnant around the same time as her b/c of everything that happened with your weddings?

Me personally I would love to have a friend to be pregnant with.

But as PP's have said it's a personal choice, you have to do what feels right for your family and you shouldn't HAVE to tell anyone.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Thanks for making me feel better about wanting to keep it to ourselves. It;s just so uncomfitable when she brings it up. We are all going to see my DH parents in South Carolina next weekend and I know she is going to bring it up and tell our in-laws that they are going to start trying, etc.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Posted by LiveAgain

DH and I have been trying since August and have only hinted that we might be TTC but have not announced it to anyone.

I have to ask are you nervous about becoming pregnant around the same time as her b/c of everything that happened with your weddings?

Me personally I would love to have a friend to be pregnant with.

But as PP's have said it's a personal choice, you have to do what feels right for your family and you shouldn't HAVE to tell anyone.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

don't say a word, honestly this whole "omg lets be preggo together" thing seems kind of silly and almost like something 2 girls would say in high school.

its YOUR business only when you are TTC and you don't have to report to her about it, if you get pregnant first and she's hurt..oh well...not your problem. having a baby is a very important decision and shouldn't depend on someone else wanting to be pregnant at the same time. do what works for you.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Posted by Aries14

Posted by LiveAgain

DH and I have been trying since August and have only hinted that we might be TTC but have not announced it to anyone.

I have to ask are you nervous about becoming pregnant around the same time as her b/c of everything that happened with your weddings?

Me personally I would love to have a friend to be pregnant with.

But as PP's have said it's a personal choice, you have to do what feels right for your family and you shouldn't HAVE to tell anyone.

A little bit has to do with the wedding. I guess I saw her true side. I love her to death, we are close - but she is very spoiled and is used to getting things her way. She did some stuff during the wedding process that made me say "I guess I learned my lesson to not discuss everything with her".

Let's put it this way... I would love to be pregnant with someone, even her. I just do NOT want to TTC at the same time, KWIM?

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

It's completely up to you. Right now there's only like two friends of ours that know we are TTC. If you are close with her though and feel guilty in any way (even though you don't have to), maybe mention to her that she shouldn't plan around you because it's not something that's really able to be planned AND the only announcement you will be making for certain is when you are pregnant. It's a nice idea that cousins would be close in age but what if you got pregnant right away and she took a while longer or vice versa? I personally couldn't take that unnecessary pressure to get pregnant, same with DH.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Posted by LiveAgain

I totally get what you are saying. I would def. keep the fact that you guys are TTC just between you and DH then.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

I basically agree with the PPs. There's no reason that you have to share you TTC plans with her.

From another prespective, I just want to mention to you that my SIL had a baby boy 3 months after I had my DS, and I LOVE that they're going to grow up together. It's great having a cousin close in age to grow up with. So if you do become PG together, while there may be drama during that time, over the years, it will be nice for the kids to have someone close in age to play with. JMO.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

You don't owe anyone an explanation or an answer. You do not need to tell her your DH and you are TTC.

If it happens first for you........you can say it was a Surprise!

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

I would not tell her - it's personal and you owe her no excuse.

My SIL said the same thing to me a few years ago, "let's plan to be pregnant together". I didn't respond but told DH, "um, no way".

Anyway, we started trying in Aug/Sept 06 and learned I was pregnant 6 months later - in February. No one knew.

She started January 07 and learned she was pg March 07. By then end of March 07 I was miscarrying so when she announced in April 07 she still didn't know that we were in the middle of losing a pregnancy - I believe I was still bleeding. It was pretty awkward and I had a hard time sharing in her excitement (but was happy for her, just sad for me).

Anyway, you just never know with these things.

ETS: I was pg soon after and now our boys are less than 4 months apart which is great.

Message edited 1/6/2009 12:47:03 PM.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Thank you all for making me feel better about not wanting to tell the world our TTC plan. I do hope we end up pregnant together and our kids can be around the same age, I just think it is too hard to try and plan TTC with someone else.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

sorry, but for me its nobodys business what DH and i do and what choices we make. its great that she wants to go through these things with you, but like your wedding planning, it may just cause tension and unnecessary drama which is definitely not healthy when PG. and if her feelings are hurt because she thinks you were trying to get ahead of her, then those are HER issues to deal with. this is not a race. you need to do what works best for you and DH.

Message edited 1/6/2009 6:51:27 PM.

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation..

This is a personal decision that I don't think anyone can answer for you.

For me personally, NO I WOULD NOT TELL. NO WAY.
How would you feel if she got pg, and then you didn't right away. Or, how would you feel if you got pg, and she didn't right away.

This is a very touchy thing, and as you see from this and the IF board, its not so "easy" to just get pg on command.

If you do, all the power to you....but for me personally, this is nobody's business but me and DH.

Its almost like your setting pretences for a 'competition' to get pregnant...I don't like it.

And furthermore, even if you both are lucky enough to get pregnant right away and at the same time, how do you know it will be a good shared experience? What if you have different experiences with pregnancy or deal with it in differnt ways?

I don't know...I'm a little bit older so maybe I see things a little bit differently....this is just my opinion.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh,,,,,again its just my opinion