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Mags1227
Just a mommy ...
Member since 10/10 2665 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by secretlyTTCagain
I think everyone already covered my thoughts on the original post but this is so interesting to me. I have an acquaintance who is a Russian Jew and had a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant first wedding, a $$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant second wedding, and threw a $$$$$$$ extravagant first birthday party for her child. I wonder what kind of gifts they received and whether most of their guests really tried to cover their plates...
from my experience, yes.
about 10 years ago, we went to a bar mitzvah. we had set aside $300 for the event. when DHs mother found out, she took out an extra $500 out of her purse and added it to our envelope! She was ASHAMED we thought it would be ok to give so little.
$300... 10 years ago... bar mitzvah
Like i said in my original post, $400 seems cheap from my experience.
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Posted 6/8/16 2:14 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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luvbuffet
LIF Adult
Member since 7/10 6470 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by luvbuffet
regardless if its a wedding, a house, a car, shoes... dont buy sh!t you cant afford!
This, this right here, sums it up.
This is why there is so much debt in this world. Because people HAVE to have material things that they CANNOT AFFORD.
To show off.
i always tell people this:
would you rather have a $500 purse with 50$ in it or a 50$ purse with $500 in it.:::micdrop:::
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| Posted 6/8/16 2:14 PM |
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JDubs
different, not less
Member since 7/09 13160 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by secretlyTTCagain
I think everyone already covered my thoughts on the original post but this is so interesting to me. I have an acquaintance who is a Russian Jew and had a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant first wedding, a $$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant second wedding, and threw a $$$$$$$ extravagant first birthday party for her child. I wonder what kind of gifts they received and whether most of their guests really tried to cover their plates...
There is no way people are covering their plates for these extravagant type of events and I hope the host would know this when choosing to throw an event like this... My sister just went to a sweet 16 that cost more than my wedding. It was like something you would see out of "My super sweet 16". I highly doubt the hosts got anywhere near what they paid...
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| Posted 6/8/16 2:43 PM |
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blu6385
Member since 5/08 8351 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by JDubs
Posted by secretlyTTCagain
I think everyone already covered my thoughts on the original post but this is so interesting to me. I have an acquaintance who is a Russian Jew and had a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant first wedding, a $$$$$$$$$$$$ extravagant second wedding, and threw a $$$$$$$ extravagant first birthday party for her child. I wonder what kind of gifts they received and whether most of their guests really tried to cover their plates...
There is no way people are covering their plates for these extravagant type of events and I hope the host would know this when choosing to throw an event like this... My sister just went to a sweet 16 that cost more than my wedding. It was like something you would see out of "My super sweet 16". I highly doubt the hosts got anywhere near what they paid...
if they ever invite me I can tell you I am not covering any plates!! and to most people on this board I am probably considered being cheap when it comes to giving gifts   
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| Posted 6/8/16 2:54 PM |
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ap123
LIF Infant
Member since 10/10 268 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Did the bride attend the weddings of any of these 20 couple? If so, did she give them $400? If yes, maybe she'll get it back.
Otherwise my advice to her would be to grow up, because in 10 years she's going to look back and realize what a pretentious, spoiled brat she sounds like.
If her close family is going to give so much, it should more than make up for the people who don't follow her cultural norms. I really hope she's 19, because is she's any older than that I cannot imagine how she functions in the real world.
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| Posted 6/8/16 3:32 PM |
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MrsT809
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 12167 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
This is ridiculous. Not much more can be said than has been written already.
Just got a wedding invitation today that included registry information (upstate wedding where cash gifts are less common and I don't think they're having a shower). The registry info included two typical stores and one charity. That's the kind of wedding I can get behind.
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| Posted 6/8/16 4:22 PM |
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MC09
arrrghhh!!!!
Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
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Me speaks pirate!
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Where are these Americans from? Arkansas? I have never heard of or seen someone from our area give a toaster at a wedding. She can put it in writing on her invitation if she wants of course, but it's pointless and redundant because her American guests are already planning on giving her money, but they won't cover their plates. Highly unlikely. If she expects they will she is going to be disappointed. It's just not a thing that Americans do. If these 40 people are going to make or break her big day she's better off just not inviting them and calling it a day. It may even backfire on her and these people may show up with blenders, a smaller monetary gift than they had originally planned on giving, or no gift out of spite.
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| Posted 6/8/16 4:58 PM |
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Jugglemom
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/12 809 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Whatever happened to " you get what you get and you don't get upset"? I would tell my friend to leave the language out and just roll the dice and take her chances. I have been to weddings all over the U.S. ( not just in NY) and I would say that no matter where the wedding was at least 80% of the guests gave money so I don't think she really has anything to worry about. In fact, I think she is worse off by adding a note. I received an invite with a similar note from a relative and I actually ended up give less $$ than I normally would because I was so irked. So adding may backfire on her.
With respect to covering your plate I think it's ridiculous so much so that I can't even go into it.
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| Posted 6/8/16 5:41 PM |
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
If her goal is to not lose $ I would say don't invite the Americans or dont write anything at all. If I saw that wording on an invitation I would for sure go to the wedding to give nothing and never speak to them again. I am vindictive like that though.
If you look at the numbers we are talking about 20 couples so $8000 at stake here. Likely the Americans will give an average of at least $200 per couple. So we are talking about approximately $4000 she could lose from us cheap Americans. If a $4000 loss will bankrupt her there is a bigger problem. Bills don't care about tradition or culture.
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| Posted 6/8/16 6:46 PM |
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w8andsee
LIF Adult
Member since 10/09 1193 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Just curious for the ones that say cover your plate, how do you estimate what your plate costs?
Do you bring extra money with you? If you have a raw bar, you add a couple more bucks?
I have one family member that doesn't seal the envelope and she starts taking money out if she feels she didn't get enough at a wedding.
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| Posted 6/8/16 8:16 PM |
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MC09
arrrghhh!!!!
Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
Name:
Me speaks pirate!
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by w8andsee
Just curious for the ones that say cover your plate, how do you estimate what your plate costs?
Do you bring extra money with you? If you have a raw bar, you add a couple more bucks?
I have one family member that doesn't seal the envelope and she starts taking money out if she feels she didn't get enough at a wedding.
I actually know more than a few who do this. They wait until the actual reception to decide how much to give. They will add or subtract what they feel the wedding was worth.
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| Posted 6/8/16 8:44 PM |
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PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken
Member since 6/11 9145 total posts
Name:
Phyllis
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by w8andsee
Just curious for the ones that say cover your plate, how do you estimate what your plate costs?
Do you bring extra money with you? If you have a raw bar, you add a couple more bucks?
I have one family member that doesn't seal the envelope and she starts taking money out if she feels she didn't get enough at a wedding.
Nah. It's a guesstimate
You wind up going to the same places over and over. Most brides talk to other woman about pricing at certain venues etc. so you kinda know what it is
Again ... If you get married at A place for $200+ a plate - sorry. You're SOL as far as I'm concerned. Immediate family and extremely close friends get 500+
Everyone else $250-$350 is the usual
That amount at a typical wedding should cover your plate
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| Posted 6/8/16 8:51 PM |
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babydreams21
LIF Adult
Member since 12/12 3656 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
There is no need to write any of that. My husband and I are from different cultures and had all different types of people at our wedding. We got one boxed gift out of 200 people! We had a Saturday night wedding and many people covered their plates, some didn't (I feel give what you can) and many people gave more than their plates. In the end we broke even on the reception. People will be offended and think she is tacky, which obviously she would be sending that type of message out. Maybe some people won't even go since its a work night. Please have your friend read all of our comments. You are a nice friend to try and help.
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| Posted 6/8/16 10:03 PM |
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WhatNow
Say Cheese!
Member since 1/06 8033 total posts
Name:
A (formerly WhatNow?)
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by w8andsee
I have one family member that doesn't seal the envelope and she starts taking money out if she feels she didn't get enough at a wedding.
Best. Story. Ever. 
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| Posted 6/9/16 10:28 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Bump for update #2 in OP.
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| Posted 6/10/16 2:10 PM |
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MrsT809
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 12167 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Regarding the second update, that's fine that they have that custom but it still doesn't excuse the idea of wanting to impose it on the rest of the guests. They can't be the first couple of this culture to get married and invite Americans. Expect what you want from your fellow russians and expect Americans to follow their customs. As far as affording the wedding, they should consider what they can afford and what they expect to receive and plan accordingly. Still no way she should include a note of any kind for any guests.
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| Posted 6/10/16 2:22 PM |
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chilltocam
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 9141 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by MrsT809
Regarding the second update, that's fine that they have that custom but it still doesn't excuse the idea of wanting to impose it on the rest of the guests. They can't be the first couple of this culture to get married and invite Americans. Expect what you want from your fellow russians and expect Americans to follow their customs. As far as affording the wedding, they should consider what they can afford and what they expect to receive and plan accordingly. Still no way she should include a note of any kind for any guests.
Exactly.
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| Posted 6/10/16 2:24 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by chilltocam
Posted by MrsT809
Regarding the second update, that's fine that they have that custom but it still doesn't excuse the idea of wanting to impose it on the rest of the guests. They can't be the first couple of this culture to get married and invite Americans. Expect what you want from your fellow russians and expect Americans to follow their customs. As far as affording the wedding, they should consider what they can afford and what they expect to receive and plan accordingly. Still no way she should include a note of any kind for any guests.
Exactly.
I, again, agree with you completely. I do not feel they should put a note in for the american invitations.
It brings up a point in that they ARE having the wedding they can afford. The one they expect to get paid back for all the weddings THEY went to.
It looks they they are planning a wedding they don't have money for, yet with their culture, they WILL end up "affording" it because everyone is helping them pay for it....Hopefully.
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| Posted 6/10/16 2:31 PM |
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Funkybutt
LIF Adult
Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP
Posted by Paramount
It looks they they are planning a wedding they don't have money for, yet with their culture, they WILL end up "affording" it because everyone is helping them pay for it....Hopefully.
If not, then it'll be an expensive lesson that they'll learn. You can at least feel good that you've done everything you can to try to be the voice of reason.
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| Posted 6/10/16 3:16 PM |
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