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jam11308
Member since 11/07 7273 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Its NOT cultural, I have two unrelated Russian friends. Like FROM RUSSIA, not just Russian decent, both got married here last year and DID NOT put such a thing in her invitation.
There just ISNT a non-tacky way to say that and if she is getting married HERE she needs to understand that.
Frankly, IMO it'll actually backfire on here, Id go and give her a small gift off her registry instead of whatever cash amount I was going to initially give.
I agree - I wouldn't call it cultural. Maybe people in her circle back home follow this tradition, but I have two close Russian/Jewish friends that were born & raised in Russia and this is not the norm. I just asked them about this and they never heard of such a thing.
If she can't afford to invite her American friends and then cover the cost difference if there is one, perhaps she should consider downsizing her wedding and not inviting them. I would be more understanding of that than receiving a note regarding the gift in the invitation...
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Posted 6/7/16 1:27 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
luvbuffet
LIF Adult
Member since 7/10 6470 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by nferrandi
Americans in NY give money at weddings, not gifts. I think she's trying to get more money then what she thinks people would normally give. And that is rude, rude, rude! I would more then likely decline the invitation
this!!!!
safe to assume the bride also wears designer clothing and has a nice car? 
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:28 PM |
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Mags1227
Just a mommy ...
Member since 10/10 2665 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by jam11308
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Its NOT cultural, I have two unrelated Russian friends. Like FROM RUSSIA, not just Russian decent, both got married here last year and DID NOT put such a thing in her invitation.
There just ISNT a non-tacky way to say that and if she is getting married HERE she needs to understand that.
Frankly, IMO it'll actually backfire on here, Id go and give her a small gift off her registry instead of whatever cash amount I was going to initially give.
I agree - I wouldn't call it cultural. Maybe people in her circle back home follow this tradition, but I have two close Russian/Jewish friends that were born & raised in Russia and this is not the norm. I just asked them about this and they never heard of such a thing.
If she can't afford to invite her American friends and then cover the cost difference if there is one, perhaps she should consider downsizing her wedding and not inviting them. I would be more understanding of that than receiving a note regarding the gift in the invitation...
I think the OP meant most Russians give cash and not gifts. not that they include notes asking for money. that's tacky in their culture as well.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:33 PM |
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PearlJamChick
No one sings like you anymore.
Member since 7/10 9264 total posts
Name:
Petticoated Swashbuckler
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I've been to a bunch of Bangladeshi, Pakistani and Indian weddings.
Almost every invite I've received has the notation "no boxed gifts please" on the lower corner of the invitation. I do find that to be obnoxious and chalked it up to culture but then I ended up seeing it on a couple of American invites as well. So who knows!? Is that a "thing" lately?
It was suggested that we put that on our invites when we got married and that got the big fat OH HELL TO THE MOTHAEFFIN NO from us.
Good luck. This is tough. The best thing you could do is explain that just as she wants to have her culture recognized, she should also realize that in American culture this is sort of a taboo thing to do and perhaps either not invite those people or just go without a note altogether.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:35 PM |
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jam11308
Member since 11/07 7273 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Mags1227
I think the OP meant most Russians give cash and not gifts. not that they include notes asking for money. that's tacky in their culture as well.
I understand that - I was talking about the expectation that guests must cover the cost of their plates and automatically give $300-$400...
In any event, to the OP: good luck with helping your friend find a solution 
Message edited 6/7/2016 1:38:31 PM.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:36 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Mags1227
Posted by jam11308
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Its NOT cultural, I have two unrelated Russian friends. Like FROM RUSSIA, not just Russian decent, both got married here last year and DID NOT put such a thing in her invitation.
There just ISNT a non-tacky way to say that and if she is getting married HERE she needs to understand that.
Frankly, IMO it'll actually backfire on here, Id go and give her a small gift off her registry instead of whatever cash amount I was going to initially give.
I agree - I wouldn't call it cultural. Maybe people in her circle back home follow this tradition, but I have two close Russian/Jewish friends that were born & raised in Russia and this is not the norm. I just asked them about this and they never heard of such a thing.
If she can't afford to invite her American friends and then cover the cost difference if there is one, perhaps she should consider downsizing her wedding and not inviting them. I would be more understanding of that than receiving a note regarding the gift in the invitation...
I think the OP meant most Russians give cash and not gifts. not that they include notes asking for money. that's tacky in their culture as well.
She is asking to include a note in the invite to the Americans invited, and how to do that. I am telling her that it is not necessarily cultural bc I have two Russian friends who DID NOT do this.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:40 PM |
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Pumpkin1
LIF Adult
Member since 12/05 3715 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by JME78
There is absolutely no way to do this that is not horribly tacky, rude, and insulting.
You hit the nail on the head. Asking for guests to cover their plates is insulting which leads to the next question: why would they want to come then?
Also, how will the guests know how much is expected of them to cover their plates?
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:43 PM |
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MrsDrMatt
Live and RUN like a Ninja!
Member since 5/06 3104 total posts
Name:
MrsDrMatt
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
The only way to help this friend is by telling her that her request is so tacky that I refuse to offer you advice.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:49 PM |
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BunnyWife
Insert Witty Comment Here
Member since 5/07 8274 total posts
Name:
BunnyWife
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by MrsDrMatt
The only way to help this friend is by telling her that her request is so tacky that I refuse to offer you advice.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:52 PM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7274 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
This does not sound like a cultural thing. This sounds like an asshat thing.
My advice? Don't invite any Americans. But if she insists, keep the damn cards out of the invites. Because if I got an invite like that I would a. most certainly go because I would NEED to see how much of a tacky train wreck the wedding would be and b. gift them a tree I sponsored in their name.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:53 PM |
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MsSissy
xoxoxo
Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by PearlJamChick
I've been to a bunch of Bangladeshi, Pakistani and Indian weddings.
Almost every invite I've received has the notation "no boxed gifts please" on the lower corner of the invitation. I do find that to be obnoxious and chalked it up to culture but then I ended up seeing it on a couple of American invites as well. So who knows!? Is that a "thing" lately?
It was suggested that we put that on our invites when we got married and that got the big fat OH HELL TO THE MOTHAEFFIN NO from us.
Good luck. This is tough. The best thing you could do is explain that just as she wants to have her culture recognized, she should also realize that in American culture this is sort of a taboo thing to do and perhaps either not invite those people or just go without a note altogether.
They are not only requesting no boxed gifts, they want to make sure everyone covers their plate.
Why not just ask the waiters to give everyone a bill at the end of the dinner.
Problem sovled. Everyone covers what they ate.   I mean how else are the guest suppose to know how much each plate was?
Sorry but I agree with there is no way this won't come off as tacky. And I would most likely decline the invite as well.
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:53 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by MsSissy
Posted by PearlJamChick
I've been to a bunch of Bangladeshi, Pakistani and Indian weddings.
Almost every invite I've received has the notation "no boxed gifts please" on the lower corner of the invitation. I do find that to be obnoxious and chalked it up to culture but then I ended up seeing it on a couple of American invites as well. So who knows!? Is that a "thing" lately?
It was suggested that we put that on our invites when we got married and that got the big fat OH HELL TO THE MOTHAEFFIN NO from us.
Good luck. This is tough. The best thing you could do is explain that just as she wants to have her culture recognized, she should also realize that in American culture this is sort of a taboo thing to do and perhaps either not invite those people or just go without a note altogether.
They are not only requesting no boxed gifts, they want to make sure everyone covers their plate.
Why not just ask the waiters to give everyone a bill at the end of the dinner.
Problem sovled. Everyone covers what they ate. I mean how else are the guest suppose to know how much each plate was?
Sorry but I agree with there is no way this won't come off as tacky. And I would most likely decline the invite as well.
I want to say I'd decline it, but I think I would go just so I can give them a blender as a gift. And not a Vitamix or a Ninja- like a $20 Oster from Kmart!
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| Posted 6/7/16 1:55 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Mags1227
Posted by jam11308
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Its NOT cultural, I have two unrelated Russian friends. Like FROM RUSSIA, not just Russian decent, both got married here last year and DID NOT put such a thing in her invitation.
There just ISNT a non-tacky way to say that and if she is getting married HERE she needs to understand that.
Frankly, IMO it'll actually backfire on here, Id go and give her a small gift off her registry instead of whatever cash amount I was going to initially give.
I agree - I wouldn't call it cultural. Maybe people in her circle back home follow this tradition, but I have two close Russian/Jewish friends that were born & raised in Russia and this is not the norm. I just asked them about this and they never heard of such a thing.
If she can't afford to invite her American friends and then cover the cost difference if there is one, perhaps she should consider downsizing her wedding and not inviting them. I would be more understanding of that than receiving a note regarding the gift in the invitation...
I think the OP meant most Russians give cash and not gifts. not that they include notes asking for money. that's tacky in their culture as well.
Yes. At the minimum, in her circle everyone gives cash KNOWING they are covering their plate for the reception. She told me its a given. In fact, its almost like a loan of sorts "Im helping you for YOUR wedding, here is the money back for MY wedding".
Like I said *she* said it was cultural. And maybe its more cultural for Russia Jews.
The reason I asked about wording is that she is NOT asking for $400 a plate. But this way she can ask for money and not "boxed" gifts.
Either way, I agree 100% its tacky..more than tacky. None of us are in disagreement.
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| Posted 6/7/16 2:07 PM |
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Hofstra26
Love to Bake!
Member since 7/06 27915 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
ITA with everyone else. Cultural or not, you do NOT under any circumstances ask for money, especially a specific amount. I honestly think this is the CRAZIEST thing I've ever heard and if she values these friendships more than money she should just keep quiet and suck up the cost of her own wedding. If she can't afford this wedding without having to rely on the monetary gifts to fund it then she should think about scaling down her wedding before embarrassing herself by putting anything so tacky on her invites.
I don't mean to be rude, there is just NO tactful way to do what she wants here............. Anyone who gets such a thing in an invite will be completely turned off and offended. I would strongly suggest to her that she just leave it be and be happy with whatever gifts she receives.
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| Posted 6/7/16 2:10 PM |
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PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken
Member since 6/11 9145 total posts
Name:
Phyllis
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Paramount
Posted by Mags1227
Posted by jam11308
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Its NOT cultural, I have two unrelated Russian friends. Like FROM RUSSIA, not just Russian decent, both got married here last year and DID NOT put such a thing in her invitation.
There just ISNT a non-tacky way to say that and if she is getting married HERE she needs to understand that.
Frankly, IMO it'll actually backfire on here, Id go and give her a small gift off her registry instead of whatever cash amount I was going to initially give.
I agree - I wouldn't call it cultural. Maybe people in her circle back home follow this tradition, but I have two close Russian/Jewish friends that were born & raised in Russia and this is not the norm. I just asked them about this and they never heard of such a thing.
If she can't afford to invite her American friends and then cover the cost difference if there is one, perhaps she should consider downsizing her wedding and not inviting them. I would be more understanding of that than receiving a note regarding the gift in the invitation...
I think the OP meant most Russians give cash and not gifts. not that they include notes asking for money. that's tacky in their culture as well.
Yes. At the minimum, in her circle everyone gives cash KNOWING they are covering their plate for the reception. She told me its a given. In fact, its almost like a loan of sorts "Im helping you for YOUR wedding, here is the money back for MY wedding".
Like I said *she* said it was cultural. And maybe its more cultural for Russia Jews.
The reason I asked about wording is that she is NOT asking for $400 a plate. But this way she can ask for money and not "boxed" gifts.
Either way, I agree 100% its tacky..more than tacky. None of us are in disagreement.
I don't think it's a certain cultural thing to Russians or certain Russians. I think it's what her circle - being friends or family does.
I'm Italian. Wedding gifts are always money. And we always "try" to cover the plate + more (I say try bc I'm not dropping more than I can afford bc you had a wedding over budget)
The gifts were always cash too until reception robberies started happening - now it's checks.
I don't know if all Italians do this - but we do. My family and friends I grew up with.
As you see from everyone's replies .. This probably won't go over well for your friend and the guests she's singling out as "could be deadbeat gift givers"
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| Posted 6/7/16 2:12 PM |
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WonderLady
LIF Infant
Member since 1/15 355 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Is it a NY wedding? She'll get cash anyway.
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| Posted 6/7/16 2:27 PM |
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chilltocam
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 9141 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
If you really want to help your friend, maybe show her this thread and then MAYBE it will sink in how rude it is to do what she intends to do
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| Posted 6/7/16 2:32 PM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
EVEN IF it IS a 'cultural' thing ........you can and should expect that your friends of other cultures respect your traditions as a GUEST at your Wedding. Traditions such as what you wear, what type of music you play, dancing, food choices etc, as your Wedding is a celebration of you, and your husband and you are inviting them to celebrate with you.
There is absolutely no possible reason for any person to assimilate to her "cultural" tradition of PAYING FOR HER WEDDING - If that's how she wants it to happen, she needs to cut her guest list and only include that circle of people.
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| Posted 6/7/16 2:37 PM |
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LiveandLearn
LIF Adult
Member since 4/10 1586 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by MsSissy
Posted by PearlJamChick
I've been to a bunch of Bangladeshi, Pakistani and Indian weddings.
Almost every invite I've received has the notation "no boxed gifts please" on the lower corner of the invitation. I do find that to be obnoxious and chalked it up to culture but then I ended up seeing it on a couple of American invites as well. So who knows!? Is that a "thing" lately?
It was suggested that we put that on our invites when we got married and that got the big fat OH HELL TO THE MOTHAEFFIN NO from us.
Good luck. This is tough. The best thing you could do is explain that just as she wants to have her culture recognized, she should also realize that in American culture this is sort of a taboo thing to do and perhaps either not invite those people or just go without a note altogether.
They are not only requesting no boxed gifts, they want to make sure everyone covers their plate.
Why not just ask the waiters to give everyone a bill at the end of the dinner.
Problem sovled. Everyone covers what they ate. I mean how else are the guest suppose to know how much each plate was?
Sorry but I agree with there is no way this won't come off as tacky. And I would most likely decline the invite as well.
I want to say I'd decline it, but I think I would go just so I can give them a blender as a gift. And not a Vitamix or a Ninja- like a $20 Oster from Kmart!
I would take it out of the box and put it in a bag -- this way it wasn't a "boxed" gift!
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| Posted 6/7/16 3:07 PM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19458 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
First, I am Jewish, so I want that understood. What she is doing is 1000% wrong. She needs to have the wedding she can afford, not some trumped up idea of a wedding that she thinks that she needs to have. Also I know many Russian jewish first generation immigrants and this is not a thing. She sounds spoiled.
Message edited 6/7/2016 3:12:52 PM.
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| Posted 6/7/16 3:10 PM |
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JennZ
MY LIFE!!
Member since 8/05 25463 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
She's crazy, most people give cash. If I got an insert requesting money only.....I'd bring a gift on general principles.
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| Posted 6/7/16 3:11 PM |
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ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides
Member since 11/12 14481 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by NervousNell
She can always include an invoice with the invitation and include a spot for guests to write down their credit card numbers when they RSVP.
Or she can set up a Go Fund Me Page and include the link to it with her invitation
Because that's pretty much what this 'wedding' is coming down to.
Why stop there? She can sell tickets to her wedding. Like on ticketmaster or live nation?
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| Posted 6/7/16 3:29 PM |
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RainyDay
LIF Adult
Member since 6/15 3990 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
What happens if these 20 couples decide not to come to the wedding? Will she be able to afford everything else. I get its cultural but this is America and beyond tacky. There are places in the US where monetary gifts aren't even the norm. I would tell her there isnt a tacky way to tell the American guests that they are expected to give cash. It's even crazier to expect them to shell out 400 a couple if they aren't family.
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| Posted 6/7/16 3:45 PM |
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MC09
arrrghhh!!!!
Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
Name:
Me speaks pirate!
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Besides the fact that asking for money to pay for your own wedding is SO INCREDIBLY TACKY, here's where i had a problem with your post:
You said your friend knows this is tacky. If she is aware of this, then why does she want to go ahead with something so repulsive for her wedding?
And
You told her it's tacky, she knows and agrees it's tacky, so you then go ahead and tell her if she absolutely must be this rude then it's ok to go ahead and do it, because afterall she's "ONLY offending 20 couples so it's not that bad".... you don't see a problem with your logic here? If a bride and groom are going to be so insulting and tactless as to offend ANYONE, especially a GUEST, then why bother to invite these people to begin with? She may as well write "bring money or don't bother coming" on her invitations because that's basically what she's saying and thinking.
Your friend doesn't need a big lavish wedding, she needs to reassess her values and figure out why turning her wedding day into a highest bidder charity auction is more important than burning bridges with some guests she obviously doesn't give two sh*ts about attending if they're not ready to open their wallets and throw money at her. If she absolutely must have a giant wedding that runs a couple hundred per plate, she can save up for it herself, scale back the guest list and the glittery white doves and sparkly white unicorns, and stop being such an a$$.h0le because there's no "least tacky" way of telling her that that's pretty much what she's being.
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| Posted 6/7/16 4:21 PM |
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Bridex100
Two Under Two Mommy
Member since 3/08 10420 total posts
Name:
Momx100
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I'm Asian-American. Asian people almost always give cash and try to cover their plate. DH was a resident and we had just bought a house. We preferred cash gifts. I would never in a million years put that on the invitation!!! A few people asked us if we had a registry and we said no. That was the only hint that we gave that we preferred cash. My friends made fun of me at my bridal shower that I had such basic items on my registry. Everyone kept telling me to add bigger items.
I had one friend who had a honeymoon registry. It is basically asking for cash except the website takes a fee. Instead of giving $400, you could buy them 2 couple massages. Assuming they got $380 of the $400 you would gift.
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| Posted 6/7/16 4:22 PM |
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