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bunnyluck
LIF Adult
Member since 1/14 3196 total posts
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I think word of mouth is her best bet. Communicate it through the grapevine. I would NEVER publish this in writing on an invite with my name on it.
For the record, I agree it's tasteless but wanted to offer a plausible solution.
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Posted 6/7/16 4:28 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 7993 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I work with Jewish Russians from Russia, Im going to ask if its really the norm.
If I was told to give $300-400 I would be very turned off, and I'm a Russian jewish person (from NY).
But, you asked for help with the wording. She would have to come right out with it, and ask ALL her guests not just those 20 couples for x amount, then see how many RSVP yes :)
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| Posted 6/7/16 4:28 PM |
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PearlJamChick
No one sings like you anymore.
Member since 7/10 9264 total posts
Name:
Petticoated Swashbuckler
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Posted by NervousNell
She can always include an invoice with the invitation and include a spot for guests to write down their credit card numbers when they RSVP.
Or she can set up a Go Fund Me Page and include the link to it with her invitation
Because that's pretty much what this 'wedding' is coming down to.
Why stop there? She can sell tickets to her wedding. Like on ticketmaster or live nation?
Those service fees though... 
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| Posted 6/7/16 4:32 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
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..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by PearlJamChick
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Posted by NervousNell
She can always include an invoice with the invitation and include a spot for guests to write down their credit card numbers when they RSVP.
Or she can set up a Go Fund Me Page and include the link to it with her invitation
Because that's pretty much what this 'wedding' is coming down to.
Why stop there? She can sell tickets to her wedding. Like on ticketmaster or live nation?
Those service fees though...
LOL. And if you aren't invited you can search craigslist or stub hub for tickets that people who can't afford to go are selling.
I mean you'll pay a premium, but come on, this is the event of the year apparently!
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| Posted 6/7/16 4:34 PM |
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Ellsey10
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/15 614 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
That is so tacky and classless that I can't help but find it comical. What does her FH think of this? Does he agree with it or is he embarrassed cause I would be mortified
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| Posted 6/7/16 4:38 PM |
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Hofstra26
Love to Bake!
Member since 7/06 27915 total posts
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by PearlJamChick
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Posted by NervousNell
She can always include an invoice with the invitation and include a spot for guests to write down their credit card numbers when they RSVP.
Or she can set up a Go Fund Me Page and include the link to it with her invitation
Because that's pretty much what this 'wedding' is coming down to.
Why stop there? She can sell tickets to her wedding. Like on ticketmaster or live nation?
Those service fees though...
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| Posted 6/7/16 4:55 PM |
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ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides
Member since 11/12 14481 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by PearlJamChick
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Posted by NervousNell
She can always include an invoice with the invitation and include a spot for guests to write down their credit card numbers when they RSVP.
Or she can set up a Go Fund Me Page and include the link to it with her invitation
Because that's pretty much what this 'wedding' is coming down to.
Why stop there? She can sell tickets to her wedding. Like on ticketmaster or live nation?
Those service fees though...
I mean, before I purchase a ticket to said wedding...I need to know what are they serving? And top shelf liquor? What kind of band are they having? Will I be drinking out of baccarat?
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| Posted 6/7/16 5:03 PM |
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Budjeg11
LIF Adult
Member since 4/11 2644 total posts
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I agree with the suggestion of trying to spread the info by word of mouth. I also agree with the sentiment that in NY most people would give money anyway. BUt to play it safe.. perhaps going with the "standard", "Please no boxed gifts" would be least offensive. As far as the amount asked for/people covering their plate, again I think that most people know that this is "ideal" at every wedding and some either agree with that or dont (or can afford it or cannot) and will do what they want anyway- stating something to that effect is not only  (which yes we all agree) but also kind of pointless.
Message edited 6/7/2016 7:08:44 PM.
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| Posted 6/7/16 7:07 PM |
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ave1024
I Took The Wrong Road
Member since 12/07 6153 total posts
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That Led To The Wrong Tendencies
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Paramount
So, lets take away the fact that I told her its tacky to do. She said she would have a problem paying for the wedding if people don't cover their plate. And again, in the Russian culture its EXPECTED the guests are paying for the wedding.
Tell her ave on lifamilies said to only invite the Russians then. Oh and find a cheaper venue where the "plate" is only $50-100.
Is this thread supposed to be a joke?
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| Posted 6/7/16 7:30 PM |
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mommy2be716
LIF Adult
Member since 1/16 2921 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
okay so all judgement aside, and I really have alot to say about this whole post, I did not receive one physical wedding gift. I had 230 guests at my wedding, and every single gift was in the form of cash or a check. I am Irish and Italian, and so is my husband. I don't think being Jewish, African American, Cuban, Asian, etc etc etc has any bearing on wedding gifts at all. Anyone from the Long Island/NYC area almost always gives monetary gifts for weddings.
With all of that being said, I would NEVER put that in writing in a wedding invitation. A wedding is about the bride and groom becoming husband and wife. It is very special, and my husband and I never planned our wedding with the intention of making that money back. Of course we wanted gifts (who doesn't?), but it was not an expectation to make a certain amount of money back. To be honest, if I received an invitation that said that, I wouldn't attend. I was once invited to a bridal shower that specifically asked for gift cards only. I RSVP'd no and specifically sent a set of towels over a gift card because I thought that was so rude to ask.
ETA: Now that I'm thinking about it more, if she is so worried about 20 couples not covering their plate, she should send that invite out with the wording. She will offend all of them, they won't attend, and she won't have to pay for their plates!
Message edited 6/7/2016 8:30:57 PM.
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| Posted 6/7/16 8:23 PM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7274 total posts
Name:
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I'm surprised to see how many wouldn't attend. There is no possible way I'd be able to keep myself from wanting to see full extent of the tackiness. I mean, if someone pulled this invitation stunt can you imagine how tacky the wedding itself would be???
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| Posted 6/7/16 8:27 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4287 total posts
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by MC09
Besides the fact that asking for money to pay for your own wedding is SO INCREDIBLY TACKY, here's where i had a problem with your post:
You said your friend knows this is tacky. If she is aware of this, then why does she want to go ahead with something so repulsive for her wedding?
And
You told her it's tacky, she knows and agrees it's tacky, so you then go ahead and tell her if she absolutely must be this rude then it's ok to go ahead and do it, because afterall she's "ONLY offending 20 couples so it's not that bad".... you don't see a problem with your logic here? If a bride and groom are going to be so insulting and tactless as to offend ANYONE, especially a GUEST, then why bother to invite these people to begin with? She may as well write "bring money or don't bother coming" on her invitations because that's basically what she's saying and thinking.
Your friend doesn't need a big lavish wedding, she needs to reassess her values and figure out why turning her wedding day into a highest bidder charity auction is more important than burning bridges with some guests she obviously doesn't give two sh*ts about attending if they're not ready to open their wallets and throw money at her. If she absolutely must have a giant wedding that runs a couple hundred per plate, she can save up for it herself, scale back the guest list and the glittery white doves and sparkly white unicorns, and stop being such an a$$.h0le because there's no "least tacky" way of telling her that that's pretty much what she's being.
It is what it is. It's a good friend and I spoke to her about it. I told her she just should not do it. But it's her wedding not mine. And when a friend asks for advice I'm going to help her. It's not like she is killing puppies. She is asking for and wanting cash from those who she thinks won't.
Like I said I would not allow her to put $400 is requested. She won't put a monitory amount on. I won't let her do that.
But oranges wedding and she will
Do what she wants. I do think it's tacky and
More. I told her so. But I'm not so offended that I'm walking away and not helping. For me life is too short to worry about this.
So I decided to help her. No more no
Less.
We are all in agreement.
I could not BELIEVE she expects people to cover her wedding.
I can't believe she is having a wedding she can't afford.
I thinks it's horrible to ask for money, or any gift.
Make no mistake. We are all
On the same page.
I just want to help a fried. Who asked. I'm not so offended that I won't help. In the scheme of the world this is not something that is a big deal, so I am helping.
And yes. At least she will only insult about 20
Couples. It's her choice.
I like the idea of no boxed gifts.
And yes I think this is about as redic as everyone else thinks.
Meh. It is what it is.
And ps. The wedding is on a Wednesday. Even more fun.
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| Posted 6/7/16 8:48 PM |
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ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides
Member since 11/12 14481 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Paramount
And ps. The wedding is on a Wednesday. Even more fun.
What Wednesday wedding costs $400 a couple? Plus that is so annoying.
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| Posted 6/7/16 8:53 PM |
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MsSissy
xoxoxo
Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
All kidding aside, I would've told her good luck, this is on you.
I would want no part of it.
So no real advice on how to handle it. Sorry
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| Posted 6/7/16 8:55 PM |
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Pinkisles
<3
Member since 11/13 2868 total posts
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Posted by Paramount
And ps. The wedding is on a Wednesday. Even more fun.
What Wednesday wedding costs $400 a couple? Plus that is so annoying.
Seriously! If her Wednesday wedding costs that much she's getting ripped off!!
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:04 PM |
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
I have to ask... Are you gifting that amount of money to her ? What if you didn't plan on it (or couldn't afford it) and she told you about all this and asked for advice? That's some pressure!
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:09 PM |
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Mom0710
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/14 682 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
No. Just no. If I had a friend ask me this, I'd laugh. There is no way you can ask people that. Word of mouth or written on the invite.
And I agree it's not cultural. We have all seen this pop up on liw from time to time. It's tacky no matter how you slice it
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:11 PM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19458 total posts
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L
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
There is no way a Wednesday night wedding would cost 400 per person. She is getting ripped off. I would really have to evaluate my friendship. She is basically telling you give me 400. Maybe this is all a rouse.
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:19 PM |
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ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides
Member since 11/12 14481 total posts
Name:
Me
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Ok, so back to this Wednesday night thing. So not only is she expecting people to "cover their plates" is she also looking for a down payment on her house? Like, seriously...
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:21 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
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g
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Where on a wed cost 400pp
Why not cut back on somethig else so if the 20 Americans don't come she can still do what she Wants
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:22 PM |
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chilltocam
LIF Adult
Member since 11/11 9141 total posts
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Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Since it's a Wed wedding for $400 pp, I'm guessing she expects people to not only cover their plate, but also a portion of the photographer, the followers, cost of her dress etc - to pay for the ENTIRE wedding!!! I don't know if that's it, but I can't imagine how else it could be $400 pp
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:40 PM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7274 total posts
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
If her wedding is on a Wednesday, problem solved. No American will go to a wedding on a Wednesday
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| Posted 6/7/16 9:56 PM |
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Lara&Aidansmommy
For mom i miss u ETC ILOVEU
Member since 3/07 13921 total posts
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ETC I LOVE YOU
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by LuckyStar
If her wedding is on a Wednesday, problem solved. No American will go to a wedding on a Wednesday
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| Posted 6/7/16 10:03 PM |
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Chai77
Brighter days ahead
Member since 4/07 7364 total posts
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
This has got to be one of the most bizarre posts I've ever seen on here.
So you're trying to help your friend do something horrible and offensive? I don't get this.
It's cultural? What about the culture of the place she is and those 20 couples? Doesnt everyone's culture deserve to be respected? How about she doesn't invite them then. What is she going to do if she books this wedding and these 20 couples are offended and decline? Is she socially out of it? She was told it's not acceptable in our culture yet is choosing to be offensive to these people. That's rude in any culture.
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| Posted 6/7/16 10:33 PM |
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LIRascal
drama. daily.
Member since 3/11 7287 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift
Posted by Paramount
Posted by Mags1227
Posted by jam11308
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Its NOT cultural, I have two unrelated Russian friends. Like FROM RUSSIA, not just Russian decent, both got married here last year and DID NOT put such a thing in her invitation.
There just ISNT a non-tacky way to say that and if she is getting married HERE she needs to understand that.
Frankly, IMO it'll actually backfire on here, Id go and give her a small gift off her registry instead of whatever cash amount I was going to initially give.
I agree - I wouldn't call it cultural. Maybe people in her circle back home follow this tradition, but I have two close Russian/Jewish friends that were born & raised in Russia and this is not the norm. I just asked them about this and they never heard of such a thing.
If she can't afford to invite her American friends and then cover the cost difference if there is one, perhaps she should consider downsizing her wedding and not inviting them. I would be more understanding of that than receiving a note regarding the gift in the invitation...
I think the OP meant most Russians give cash and not gifts. not that they include notes asking for money. that's tacky in their culture as well.
Yes. At the minimum, in her circle everyone gives cash KNOWING they are covering their plate for the reception. She told me its a given. In fact, its almost like a loan of sorts "Im helping you for YOUR wedding, here is the money back for MY wedding".
Like I said *she* said it was cultural. And maybe its more cultural for Russia Jews.
The reason I asked about wording is that she is NOT asking for $400 a plate. But this way she can ask for money and not "boxed" gifts.
Either way, I agree 100% its tacky..more than tacky. None of us are in disagreement.
I know a Russian couple on Long Island who also had an over-the-top wedding, and the gifts are also up there. I used to be a vendor at a catering hall and it was known that "Russian Weddings" included the whole menu, not "pick 5 trays of this" and "5 dinner choices".
I have a Montenegran friend who also got married in this fashion, and they too "pay it forward". This is just part of their culture.
To answer your original post, and you acknowledged that  it's sooooo tacky, if you can't talk her out of it:
"It is our custom and tradition to receive monetary gifts for our weddings." 
Maybe she's caught up in her culture alone, and maybe she thinks that people know what those types of weddings cost...
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| Posted 6/7/16 10:48 PM |
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