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maybesoon
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 5981 total posts
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I would have been mad about him pushing her and hitting her head on the easel. the other day DH pushed our 17 month old (to get him away from our TV) and he fell down. I got annoyed but didn't say anything bc DS was not hurt and just got up like nothing happened. I just said, aww what happened daddy shoved you? I know my DS is SO frustrating, he is big for his age, and very pushy/ persistant. Both of us has said worse (as far as breaking her hand ) so I would not have been mad about that.
Message edited 2/17/2010 2:58:06 PM.
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Posted 2/17/10 2:55 PM  |
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Kidsaplenty
Sister love
Member since 2/06 5971 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by nowords
He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"
Also edited in OP about another occasion
Given the new info where he wound up hurting her (possibly unintentionally), I'd need to ask myself if I thought this was an escalating pattern.
I think sitting down with DH at a calmer moment & talking about it is in order. I think you need to talk about your different ways to discipline & what you both think is ok or not.
ITA. If I caught my DH doing that I would tell him to curb the behavior or leave. There are more effective ways to discipline a child than to scare them.
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| Posted 2/17/10 3:38 PM |
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kmac
Two under two!
Member since 5/07 3703 total posts
Name:
Kris
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I would be angry and embarrassed if DH said that to DD and I def don't like that he actually pushed her down. I think I would talk to him about it and not just let it go. I know people act and talk without thinking...however maybe he needs to start thinking - and a wake up call from you.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:16 PM |
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MST9106
My life:)
Member since 6/06 9589 total posts
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I'd be upset as well...thats harsh and uncalled for and it doesn't teach your child anything but negative.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:20 PM |
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mooshyboo
So Blessed!
Member since 11/07 6297 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by Linda1003
def not right to say but it sounds like it was a quick response and that's the first thing that came to his mind. I'd bring it up and just tell him to be more cautious about what he says in public and think about how it will affect DD but i wouldn't be too upset. (but then again you know your DH better, it this is a bad habit then he needs a talking to)
ita
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:22 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
The words themselves don't set off alarms, but the pushing bothers me....so I guess I understand more of where you are coming from. This is not just an isolated incident, so now I understand your feelings.
Disciplining your child has to be discussed and agreed upon and worked on in collaboration. It will never work if you are on different levels.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:24 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by eroxgirl
I have to echo what some other people have already said... he's disciplining by being a bully. I was raised by a bully so this hits a little close to home.
He can be pigheaded and do things "his way" but the end result will be, as others have said, his children will fear him. They will NOT respect him.
Eventually the fear wears off and then he's left with nothing.
You can be a strict, no nonsense parent without resorting to violence or threats of violence. Empty threats don't work for very long anyway, and acting on those threats is even worse.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'd tear my DH to shreds (at home, in private) if I were in your shoes, and I usually don't interfere with my DH's parenting at all, but I have a much worse temper than he does so there's never been a need.
For the emotional health of his children and for his relationship with his children, your DH needs to learn a new way.
ITA with all this. This may be a way to get the point across...obviously he is not going to break her hand and threatening that just makes him look like a fool.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:28 PM |
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patti08
Happy
Member since 5/05 3893 total posts
Name:
Patti
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I would never threaten DD with a punishment that I wouldn't follow through with. I think the "breaking your hand" threat is way out of line.
I also think pushing her over to show what it feels like is wrong and borders abusive. Your DH's size compared to DD is nothing compared to your DD's size to your DS. I agree she should be reprimanded for pushing her brother but this wasn't the way to do it. The lesson she learned her was to fear Dad not to be nicer to her brother.
Your DC's - especially a DD need to be able to trust their Dad and he is not doing the right thing to foster that. Children shouldn't fear bodily harm from their parent.
I think you and DH, in a calm conversation, without DC's around, need to outline exactly how you will discipline your kids. Specifically what is acceptable and especially what isn't.
He needs to learn to have more patience, take a deep breath and count to 10 before he disciplines, or he may need anger management classes or parenting classes.
Make sure he knows that you support him and this is for the sake of your kids. He isn't a bad person, he just needs a little guidance.
Please fix this sooner than later for your children, especially for your daughter. If she gets treated differently by her Dad than your DS does this especially needs to be addressed.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:40 PM |
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JenBenMen
party of five
Member since 9/06 11343 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
i agree with what he did in the 1st scenario but do NOT agree with the 2nd scenario
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:42 PM |
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itkocak
Member since 7/07 7639 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Message edited 11/28/2011 6:55:40 PM.
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:48 PM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Um... tough one.
Personally I'm in the minority but I actually don't see anything wrong with yelling and threatening. However I do feel both parents have to be on the same page. The shoving I can not comment since I think there are two sides to every story.
I do believe its time for a sit down chat on how discipline is going to work in your home. If you are so against his choice of discipline then you're going to show it (even if you try not to) and your children will pick up on it. It makes it harder for them to recognize authority if they know one is not in agreement with the other.
I am not sanctioning true abuse. I am not supporting flare ups and unreasonable anger. I am not validating man handling of a small child.
I am however very guilty of raising my voice to get my point across. My bark is worse than my bite. You’re just begging for discipline at that point if I have to say something 3-4 times to get you to stop something like this. I'm not saying begging for a beating I'm saying discipline in whatever form that may be. And yes spanking is in my repertoire.
I am pretty sure I'll get someone reporting me to some service for the way I raise my child. But I know the difference between abuse and discipline and my father's discipline raised me to be respectful and straight. I expect the same of my own.
Again I really think you guys need to be crystal clear on the method that will be used and by whom. For Jim and me, it’s without a doubt I'm the bad guy but he has agreed to back me up 100% and give it right back at her if she comes running to him. So far it’s come up a few times and he's held true.
Pick a path and stick with it. Revisit it if it needs modifying or if you guys need to remember what was agreed on.
Best of Luck
(oh and flame on folks if you want to disagree with my parenting. I am basing this on how I raised my twin brothers and sister and how I have dealt with AJ and plan to deal with her in the future. Best part is, she’s my kid. I’ll raise her as I see fit. As we all should. My only real point was to say, they (the couple of this OP) need to sit down and figure the ‘how they see fit’ part out. Not everyone’s technique is the same.)
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| Posted 2/17/10 4:55 PM |
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Kidsaplenty
Sister love
Member since 2/06 5971 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I just wanted to add- IMO saying something like, "Touch that again and I'll break your leg," is verbally and emotionally abusive. Imagine how scary it is to hear that as a little child. Threatening serious bodily harm is not ok
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| Posted 2/17/10 5:19 PM |
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nowords
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/09 9 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by Xelindrya
Um... tough one.
Personally I'm in the minority but I actually don't see anything wrong with yelling and threatening. However I do feel both parents have to be on the same page. The shoving I can not comment since I think there are two sides to every story.
I do believe its time for a sit down chat on how discipline is going to work in your home. If you are so against his choice of discipline then you're going to show it (even if you try not to) and your children will pick up on it. It makes it harder for them to recognize authority if they know one is not in agreement with the other.
I am not sanctioning true abuse. I am not supporting flare ups and unreasonable anger. I am not validating man handling of a small child.
I am however very guilty of raising my voice to get my point across. My bark is worse than my bite. You’re just begging for discipline at that point if I have to say something 3-4 times to get you to stop something like this. I'm not saying begging for a beating I'm saying discipline in whatever form that may be. And yes spanking is in my repertoire.
I am pretty sure I'll get someone reporting me to some service for the way I raise my child. But I know the difference between abuse and discipline and my father's discipline raised me to be respectful and straight. I expect the same of my own.
Again I really think you guys need to be crystal clear on the method that will be used and by whom. For Jim and me, it’s without a doubt I'm the bad guy but he has agreed to back me up 100% and give it right back at her if she comes running to him. So far it’s come up a few times and he's held true.
Pick a path and stick with it. Revisit it if it needs modifying or if you guys need to remember what was agreed on.
Best of Luck
(oh and flame on folks if you want to disagree with my parenting. I am basing this on how I raised my twin brothers and sister and how I have dealt with AJ and plan to deal with her in the future. Best part is, she’s my kid. I’ll raise her as I see fit. As we all should. My only real point was to say, they (the couple of this OP) need to sit down and figure the ‘how they see fit’ part out. Not everyone’s technique is the same.)
IMAGE
Can't comment because there's two sides to every story????
Who elses side do you want?
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| Posted 2/17/10 6:48 PM |
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LittleBlueBug
Happy Mommy
Member since 9/06 4074 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
May have been a bit extreme, but the 2nd situation you descibed bothers me more. There is a distinct difference between saying and doing. It's totally appropriate to ask "how would you feel is someone pushed you"...but then to DO it to her...not cool.
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| Posted 2/17/10 7:05 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Yes I would be livid if dh said such a thing to dd.
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| Posted 2/17/10 7:13 PM |
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stickydust
Now a mommy of 2!!!
Member since 4/06 3164 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I definately would be angry if DH did this. I think this is also going to affect his relationship with your DD and maybe you should point this out to him.
My father was much of the same type of person and all it did was to make us afraid of him when we were kids. I am sure this is not the type of relationship your DH wants with your DD.
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| Posted 2/17/10 7:24 PM |
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Domino
Always My Miracle
Member since 9/05 9923 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
As for the store incident, I would have addressed it to my DD as "You know daddy REALLY wouldnt break your hand but you really DO need to listen...we shouldnt have to tell you three times not to touch something."
As for the pushing down incident, I would have hit him in the head with a frying pan and told him "we dont hit our children...you need to learn."
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| Posted 2/17/10 8:43 PM |
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avamamma
My Girl
Member since 7/06 3395 total posts
Name:
Tara
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
As far as DH saying "Don't touch that I'll break your hand", I would have definite words with him over that. He was probably spoken to that way as a child. I would make it perfectly clear that he should not speak that way again.
As far as physically pushing DD down, not acceptable at all!. I would probably thrown him out of the house. I don't see how I could ever let that go.
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| Posted 2/17/10 8:51 PM |
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