Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

How do you handle it when you have different parenting choices than someone who is caring for your child? (especially DH)

There are certain things that DH and I feel different about... and now that my BIL & nephew are living with us - there are things that they feel differently about also.

For example... CIO (kind of)

They think its okay to just "let the baby cry" for whatever amount of time.

He JUST turned 4 months old on Sunday.

I'm being told that "he's spoiled" and that "sometimes babies just cry" when I tell them that I don't think it's necessary to let him cry when we can FIX whatever the reason is that he's crying and that he's too young to self-soothe. If it were JUST my BIL & nephew who felt this way, that would be easier to ignore... but they plant these ideas in DH's head and then I come off looking like the bad guy!

We are co-sleeping... and I keep being told that we MUST get Loey to sleep in the crib.

I've been TRYING and TRYING! I put him in there when he's getting sleepy, turn on the mobile... and he's happy for 15-20 minutes but then will cry hysterically! As soon as he gets into my arms, he falls asleep... but there's no way to put him back in the crib. So I let him nap on our bed surrounded by the snoogle (he's not rolling yet) and I just check on him often. So to them, that means I'm spoiling him because "eventually he'll fall asleep in the crib."

In the mornings, I feed him at 5 and then put him in the swing and he sleeps perfectly until 8 or 8:30 am.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm constantly being criticized for my parenting choices... and as a first time mom, I'm not all that confident in my decisions but I just try to follow my instincts and go with what my gut is telling me to do.. and that is NOT CIO. Definitely not now... and maybe not ever - I honestly won't know until I can get to that point... but I just don't know how to handle all of these comments. And I can't just ignore them because DH watches the baby ALL day... and days like today, he left Loey with my BIL (who happened to be off work) and then I get a message saying: "[BIL] said Lo was a terror though, he didn't drink all his milk, and wouldn't stop crying...." and then I want to scream and cry because I feel like he probably left Loey screaming and crying all morning. I have told BIL/DH that I don't agree with letting the baby cry it out. I told them that he's too young, he can't self-soothe. I just don't know how to defend my parenting choices anymore!

What do I do?

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

Im so sorry you are dealing with this. My opinion is find documentation SAYING that 4 months is too young to CIO.. or documentation saying WHEN to start the CIO process. Every where it says probably 6 months. At least it will buy you a few more months before they start hassling you again.

Look it up print it out and show ALL OF THEM!!!

I would also tell DH that you and he are parenting Loey...not your BIL and ESPECIALLY not your nephew.
Explain that you and he need to be on the same team!!

If that doesn't work I'll kick their a$$ for you!!

Message edited 4/19/2010 3:43:31 PM.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

OK your BIL needs to MIND HIS BUSINESS and NOT put in his 2 cents as to how you should parent. Sorry but that really pi**es me off!!! This is between you and your DH.... and you two ONLY. Boy you're better than I am b/c I would have ripped BIL a new one......AND you're nice enough to let him and his son live with you!!!!! He needs to count his blessings and MIND his business!!!!
I think you need to sit your DH down and have a long talk. You don't need this stress especially being a new mom.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

omg, I want to cry at the thought of BIL leaving your baby crying. How much longer will they be living with you?

I have a person that tells this to me all the time.. (my DS is almost 11 weeks) That I should just let him cry until he stops on his own. And when I tell her no, I won't do that, she laughs & says it's b/c I am a first time mother

Can you say that the Ped does not recommend CIO and that is the suggestion that you are following. period. I hate when outsiders (anyone that is not you, DH & DC) comment on your family practices. It's important for DH to back you up. Here is an article to maybe help DH see your point. CIO

He is only 4 months old. You can break any habits later on.

Here is another article that can help CIO 2

Message edited 4/19/2010 2:50:57 PM.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

I am not sure what I would do.

I don't like the idea of CIO, especially so young. I don't like leaving my son to cry without remedy. they cannot self soothe at this point, so its just basically letting him tire himself out with his tear.s there is NO WAY I could do it.

and I'd be so hurt if dh knew how I felt and let him cry when I wasn't there.

I agree with getting armed with information about self soothing etc.



ETA: don't let anyone's ideas influence how you raise and handle your son. this is between you and steve. everyone else can SUCK IT

further ETA: those articles are making me

Message edited 4/19/2010 2:55:08 PM.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

my kid my rules

I got the lecture about CIO and cosleeping. I said "Yeah well the first one is always spoiled" Frankly I think they need to respect YOU regardless of their opinions. They can SAY all they want to your face and call you a bad mother but they better care for your child YOUR way.

I do not CIO .. regardless of age. I let her throw tantrums but she's now 1 and a half. I let her sleep with us when she's sick and she cosleep nightly with us until 4months.

If you want a suggestion.. I would let her nap in her crib with her positioner..what I mean to say is I duplicated her sleeping arrangement in our bed into her bed.

But I figure its your kid.. you do what you want. Its not like the baby will be still sleeping with you when he's 20!

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

my mom is always telling me what I'm doing wrong, and to my mom I tell her to shut it...with DH we've had some differing opinions, such as when to move DD to her crib, we compromised and I did it a bit earlier thanI wanted to, and felt that DD was STILL not ready, well lo and behold she wasn't and had to bring her back to our room, and from then on DH knew that I just KNEW....I know it's easier said than done, but a. I personally believe 4 mos is too young for CIO and B. you need to show your DH, either by articles, talking to your ped etc...C. I think your BIL needs to mind his own business, you need to tell him it's you and DH parenting not him as well!!!

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

How you parent your child is between you and DH and BIL needs to MYOB. If he can't, them he need to move out because he is being disruptive to your family.

I am a supporter of CIO when needed, but I couldn't/didn't need to CIO until DD was over a year. I don't think I could do it at this age (5 months) but I also don't need to.

There are sometimes when DS has to cry longer than DD did-that's just par for the course when you have more than 1 child, someone always seems to be waiting for attention.

I know with my first I couldn't bear to hear her cry, with DS I've had to get used to it and I agree with your BIL that sometimes kids do just need to have a shout.

But, it is not his place to tell you this. It is something you can only accept if you discover it on your own. You are a new mom with one child-so you have the time to lavish attention on your LO and if you want to, then so be it. It's not spoiling IMO.

Message edited 4/19/2010 4:02:22 PM.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

First 's to you and the fact you have been so sweet, and so accomodating to them, some set of you-know-what they have to say ANYTHING to you!

Second, I NEVER leave my DS to cry...it usually means he wants something, as I am sure that is how Loey is, and if you want to sleep with him in the bed FOREVER...it is NON of their business..I would be so is I were you.

That said, I am sure that if you sit down with You hubby, and tell him how you feel, he will definitely understand.

Good Luck not killing your BIL when you get home

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

Hayley, you are not wrong at all, and need to communicate this with DH. Tell DH in turn, to tell his brother to MHOFB! Bring DH to the next ped appt so that he can hear first hand that CIO should only be introduced at 6 months the earliest! If you are not happy with BIL's practices with caring for Loey, then I guess your only alternative is to take off from work if today's situation happens again (easier said than done, of course.) You need to talk to DH privately and tell him exactly how you feel and make it clear that you are upset and do not appreciate how his brother is adding his two cents in the raising of your son. You have ONE husband and Loey has ONE father. Good luck sweetpea!

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

Posted by twinkletoes807

Hayley, you are not wrong at all, and need to communicate this with DH. Tell DH in turn, to tell his brother to MHOFB! Bring DH to the next ped appt so that he can hear first hand that CIO should only be introduced at 6 months the earliest! If you are not happy with BIL's practices with caring for Loey, then I guess your only alternative is to take off from work if today's situation happens again (easier said than done, of course.) You need to talk to DH privately and tell him exactly how you feel and make it clear that you are upset and do not appreciate how his brother is adding his two cents in the raising of your son. You have ONE husband and Loey has ONE father. Good luck sweetpea!

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

As someone who is a big believer in CIO - I do not believe in it for a baby who is 4 months. They CANNOT self soothe at that point. They are crying for a reason, and want to be comforted.

You and your DH need to talk this out. My husband said to me plenty of times "Let him cry" and I would tell him I am not comfortable with it yet. The books all say six months and I'm not letting him cry a day before.

With Tyler, he just turned six months and I have started CIO because he was literally up all night long (starting at 1:30 am) and I can't take care of Jack on no sleep. It was two nights of crying and last night nothing. But, before he turned 6 months I was in there all the time with him.

As for the cosleeping - you have to do what you are comfortable with. If you sleep fine, and he sleeps fine, then I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like he's going to be 15 and still climbing into bed with you. When the time comes and you are both ready to switch him to the crib - you will do it.

The most important thing you can do is to trust yourself and your mommy instinct. I find that men are swayed very easily. My husband will talk to someone at work and say "Well, so and so did it this way so we should do it too" -- I don't care how other people choose to parent, I care about what we choose to do for our kids!

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

Thanks everyone!

It's definitely one of those "easier said than done" things...

I definitely tell DH and my BIL how I feel about things - I make it VERY clear that I'm not okay with letting the baby cry at this age. The issue is that BIL thinks I'm "spoiling" the baby... then he puts these ideas into DH's head. DH automatically agrees with him because his brother has 2 kids already so DH assumes that he knows better than I do.

We're going to the ped on Wednesday so I'll definitely bring these things up and hopefully get some "professional" backup!

Steve and I haven't really had much time to just talk... so we hardly get a chance to discuss these things PRIVATELY which makes it really hard! (that's a whole different issue)

Gabi - as far as taking a day off... the thing is that DH is a SAHD, but if anyone else can be home with Loey, he JUMPS on the opportunity so that he can go to the gym, jiu jitsu or whatever. so basically i'd be taking the day off so steve can go to jiu jitsu which makes NO sense because it would have to be an unpaid day off... KWIM?

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

Nothing burns me more than someone telling my DH something about MY Kids(who I carried for 9 months, ok 8 but whatever, exclusively pumped for restricted my diet immensely, got up with the 2 of them for 9 months every night) and he then thinks that is the right thing. I think you just need to say F whoever thinks you are spoling him and do what you want. Then make sure your DH knows it is not appropriate to have a baby that age cry for longer than 5 minutes or so. Remind him that this time goes so quickly and even though he doesn;t realize it now there will soon come a day where your baby does not want to be held, rocked sung to etc.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

1. BIL needs to shut it. Even if he thinks that he is being helpful, he isn't.

2. As for CIO, like Diana, I am a big believer in it myself, but not at 4 months. I think that you should sit down with DH and tell him that you are willing to give it a try, but not until Loey is 6+ months old, at that point, you can reevaluate where you stand (hey, maybe these things will correct themselves ) and take it from there.

3. I feel ya, I had to just not ask questions when Chris took care of Christopher. Obviously, his needs were taken care of (fed, clean, changed, played with) beyond that, I just bit my tongue (and yes, my child wore pjs 99% of the time )

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

My DH hates it when I say things like this, but.....who is getting up to get the baby when he cries, or putting him down to sleep? If it's always you, I would tell them to shut it.

As far as co-sleeping, if your DH was OK with it before BIL arrived, I would point that out to him. I did not choose to do this, and one of my reasons was that I was afraid of not getting my DC out of the bed when the time came, because the only people i knew who did this had older kids still sleeping with them. If you and your DH agree with it, ignore the BIL. But, I think co-sleeping is rough on a parent that isn't 100% on board with it and it may affect your relationship after a while.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

Hayley, BIL needs a nice hot cup of STFU! In my book, you don't let a 4 month old CIO. Period. You are the mother. You decide how to rear your child. Loey love is growing and flourishing, so I see no need to change anything.

Re: Need your help re: differing parenting style opinions (Ridiculously long!)

1) Sit down with DH and tell him in no uncertain terms that you dont care if BIL has fathered 10 kids this is your kid and you do not need advice from him and that DH has to stick up for you and your beliefs and tell BIL that this is how you are choosing to parent and you are all set for advice so thanks but not thanks AND maybe he might throw it in there that all this unwarranted advice is upsetting YOU and that YOU are nice enough to be letting BIL stay under your roof he just just zip it!

2) If you believe that co - sleeping and not doing CIO is right for you and your child then google either of them and you will find tons of articles stating the affects of both - the good affects . Dr. Sears is a good website for this. I am also a co-sleeper and will never do CIO no matter what age my kids are because I am their mother and if they cry for me I will respond - period.

3) Even though this is your first child believe in your instincts and what they are telling you. Do what you believe is right for you and your child and dont let anyone try to sway you. Trust your gut and go with it. When BIL is long gone you will still be your childs mother and will be left to deal with any consequences of going against your maternal instincts.

Good luck