Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Recently, I found out a VERY good friend of mine has done something monstrous (to say the least )

My opinion and feelings have changed about him. I dont know if I can ever truly look him in the eye and care for him the way I used to. This is breaking my heart and the more I think about it, the more upsetting it is. It doesnt help that I have absolutely no one to talk to about this. Im so mad at him, and yet I'm so worried that he's all alone.

I have two groups of friends. One is my own tight knit group of bff's that consist of 2 other people. He was part of that group. This group knows (that's how I found out). I also have my DH's friends, who all know him but dont know what happened. I dont think its my place to tell them what happened, but they are all ready asking me about him since I'm their only connection to him. Of course they have no clue since the incident happened out of state, but they ask about him out of thoughfulness. Because of the severity of the crime, I'm certain he will be serving a lot of time. One of my friends has all ready bumped into his brother who didnt mention anything at all. Is it my place to tell them or just let them think he just fell of the face of the earth?

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

hmm is this something that wouldnt be public knowledge?

is it a big bad secret or something they could just find out by asking someone else

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

That is hard.....is it something that was in the news? Have you talked to him about it? Can you ask him what you should be telling people if they ask about him? If he is eventually going to go to jail, the information is going to come out eventually.

Can you just tell people the facts, not input opinion or your feelings about what happened?

Message edited 12/20/2006 12:00:15 PM.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

You could just say you had a falling out and don't want to discuss him.

That keeps his privacy and gets them off your back.

Sorry you are going through this!!

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

I'm really not sure. I guess it's your call. If he's going to be serving tgime, they'll find out eventually, so you might as well tell them, even if its not your palce. I mainly just wanted to send some and say I'm sorry you're going through this. it's always a jarring experience to find out that someone you cared for is now who you thought they were.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Posted by leighla

You could just say you had a falling out and don't want to discuss him.

That keeps his privacy and gets them off your back.

Sorry you are going through this!!

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Tough call, but if its really bad then he probably doesn't want you to share it - and if you are cutting him out of your life - this could be the last thing you do for him as a friend - just say you know he is going through a tough time right now but you don't have any details. Eventually these things have a way of getting out anyway, but better it doesn't come from you. Just my opinion. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Posted by leighla

You could just say you had a falling out and don't want to discuss him.

That keeps his privacy and gets them off your back.

Sorry you are going through this!!

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

it must have been really bad to make the news and for him to not be able to get bailed out

I would just tell people- you don't speak to him anymore and there for don't know anything about it

I don't know what he did- but it would be up to you if you wanted to contact him-

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Posted by Beth1210



it must have been really bad to make the news and for him to not be able to get bailed out

I would just tell people- you don't speak to him anymore and there for don't know anything about it

I don't know what he did- but it would be up to you if you wanted to contact him-

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

I dont think its your place to tell them. I'm sure they will eventually find out on their own. News, good or bad, travels faster than an airplane (to say the least).

All you can say is you havent heard from him much. And leave it at that.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Message edited 12/20/2006 12:13:39 PM.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

You are in a really tight spot. I dont this is a situation of whether or not this is your place to tell people. You wouldn't be a bad person for telling anyone (it's not like he is having an affair and your spilling the beans kind of thing) Maybe make the decision to have you DH tell his group and express that you are devestated and do not want to talk about it. This way you won't get approached about it. If you are up to then discussing it as time passes with these people, they are already in the know.

Some hugs for you.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Posted by Diva

Posted by nixy
But I don't think that you are doing anything wrong by telling people (if they are friends that know and care about him). If he made this mistake then it is his own mistake and you should not have to cover for him. It's not like you are gossiping. But, the longer you can wait to tell people the more facts you will have and the more clearly you will be able to see the situation and impartially explain it to others.

See that's exactly what I want to avoid. I dont want this to become gossip like 'You wont believe what so and so did." But I know if they find out any other way, it will be because someone was gossiping. So I feel like dammed if you dammed if you dont. Its like I dont want them to find out because I'm afraid they all of a sudden hate him.
This is all so confusing.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Are you the only connection that they have to this person? If not, I am sure they will find out all the details soon anyway. Then if people approach you about it, you can just tell them that you havent spoken to him, and you dont know his side of the story, so you'd rather not talk about it.

.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Posted by Eva Luna

Posted by Beth1210



it must have been really bad to make the news and for him to not be able to get bailed out

I would just tell people- you don't speak to him anymore and there for don't know anything about it

I don't know what he did- but it would be up to you if you wanted to contact him-

Ditto!!!

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

I think it would more upsetting not to tell them. They'll probably find out anyway. Probably easier for you too not to hear the gossip.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

I would just say that I haven't had much contact with him lately, or just say he's ok. They will find out & you can just say it really wasn't your place to say anything considering it didn't involve you. People will respect you more for honoring his privacy.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Posted by Diva

Thank you, you've expressed exactly how i feel. I would defend him because he's my friend. And although he made a very big mistake, I still have respect for him not to gossip about him. On the other hand, others will not have the same respect and drag his name through the mud. That's what I want him to avoid.
Although I know where the crime happened, I dont know how to reach him. Last that I spoke to him, he was moving down south with his fiance. He said he would call me when they both settled down. Then after what happened, I come to find out hes in another state, they broke up and he desperately wanted to come back home. How do I help someone that cant be reached. Even more bothering is, with everything I know, do I want to help him? I think this is what's eating me up the most.

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

First, many I am sorry you're in this situation! I agree with the otehrs, you seem like a loyal friend and you don't want to gossip, but on the otehr hand, you don't feel it's right to tell others... I would say, the best way to avoid this is to just tell people that you aren't speaking to him and leave it at that.. this way you won't be put in any akward positions.

I hope everything works out!!!

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Re: Not really sure how to handle this. Vent and advice

Whatever you have to say, whether it be that you haven't spoken in a while or that he's in a tough position right now, you need to respect your friendship with him and keep quiet. No matter what, it is not your business to tell his business to anyone.

And if your friends find out, they can't blame you for not telling them, they should respect you more for keeping it to yourself, just like you would do for them.