Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

He's MY only child. I have two step-sons, his two wonderful, older half-brothers, 13 and 10. They love each other so much. Thomas looks up to them so much and loves spending every minute he can with them. They love and take care of their little brother. But what will happen when they are older? What if I die, or DH dies? Will they always be "brothers" like they are now? Does it matter that they are "half" brothers? Do they have as good a chance as full blood siblings to stay close in the future?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Doesn't sound like it to me. A don't think blood is what forms relationships. It is the way that they treat eachother and they way they get along. There are many full blood siblings that don't talk. It sounds like he has a great relationship with his brothers and half or full it doesn't matter!

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I often wonder this myself....It's my "hope" that we can instill the value of the sibling relationship between my DC's and my SD...I do not and will never refer to her as their half-sister but of-course I am sure when my DC's are old enough to ask certain questions, I will explain it , but they will always know that is is nothing aside from a title..

Unfortunately ( and you know a bit of my story), we have to try very hard to instill the same feelings in my SD since her BM does not view my DC's as such ...My SD does have an older " half" sister who she lives with her ( same BM different father), and she is very close with her , but again they live together....

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

No!

We have this disagreement all the time with my SIL. My FIL was married, had two kids (SIL and DH) got divorced, got remarried and had three more kids.

DH says he is the second of five kids, my SIL says she is one of two

It actually upsets the kids a lot, their father died when they were little and we have stayed very close to them (Christine, you are my FB friend, you've seen them all over my FB) and my SIL has no contact with them...

It really could go either way though

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

He is YOUR only child but he is not an only child because he has two siblings that share some of his DNA.

And science does not make the sibling relationship. I believe its all in how the kids are raised together and their personalities.

For example, my DH's mom died when he was 7. He was her only child and his father was not in the picture. So technically he was the only one until he was 15 when his father entered back in his life with 3 kids. Ask my DH now if he is an only child he says no, I have two brothers and sister. He is close to his brothers and upon meeting them you wouldnt know they didnt know each other for half of their lives nor that they have different moms.

From what you described it seems like your sons older brother look out for him and protect him and will do the same for him regardless.


ETA: Ive seen full siblings rip each other to shreds and argue. And they were raised together to love and respect each other.

Message edited 1/26/2010 10:35:52 PM.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

No, he is not an only child. My SS was 13.5 when DS was born, but he is very much his brother. If we don't have another child, DS may grow up alone in the house, but he will always have a brother.

My father has two "half-sisters" who are 10 and 12 years older than he is, they didn't grow up in the same house but they remained very close. My father's mother died when he was five and his sister almost became a surrogate mother too him. He was raised like an only child because he was the only child in the house, but he sees his sisters as sisters.

Message edited 1/27/2010 8:03:34 AM.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers. 2 of my siblings share both the same mother and father as I do, 1 has just the same mother and 4 have just the same father. Personally I hate the term "half brother/sister" and never differenciate the "fulls" from the "halves." They are all my brothers and sisters and I love them equally.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

My mom and my aunt are half-sisters. My aunt is in her 80s, and my mom is in her 60s. They go on cruises together, they see each other quite often. We used to live in the same house with them.

As most of the APs have said, labels don't define relationships, people do. Even if they were just next-door neighbors, it's quite possible that they would be BFFs for life. Then again, there are identical twins who never speak to each other after they leave their parents' house.....

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Blood doesn't make you close, the relationship you have does.

Sounds like your son has some great brothers.

My husband has two brothers, I once mentioned that they were actually half brothers, I'll never make that mistake again. he became mad and said, " they are not half anything, they are my brothers. I grew up with them!"

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

it really depends on how close he is with the others as they grow up. I have a step brother that quite frankly I am not close with so I don't really acknowledge him as that. I also have a Half sister , same situation, not close at all, noone even knows about her.

everyone that knows me, knows I have a sister and that's it.

I don't think Blood is what makes a family close. I consider my BILs my brothers bc I am that close to them

Message edited 1/27/2010 8:19:26 AM.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Knowing how close they are and being they live in the same house....I would say no, Thomas is not an only child.

Most people don't know I have a half-brother, half-sister (my father got married young and had 2 kids before meeting my mother and having me). They never lived with us and they never treated me like a sister. At one point I didnt see my "sister" for 10 years. Their mother is a horrible person who brainwashed them and only now as adults in their 30's do they realize that my parents are not bad people and only now have they started to treat me or even acknowledge me as a "sister" let alone a relative

Growing up I told people I was an only child. I still refer to myself as an only child being I grew up in a house by myself. They did not treat me as a sister therefore I never acknowledged them as siblings. Now as an adult, things have changed and if people ask I will say I have a half-brother, half-sister. Friends and family who know the long, drawn out situation consider me an only child.

I do NOT think this is the case for Thomas!

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I am interested in psychological theories on birth order. In that field, your child is considered an only child in the way they are raised, not because of the fact that they are half-siblings, but rather because of the age gap. I think "they" say that if there is more than a 7 or 8 year gap in age, the younger child often has the characteristics of an only child if no other children are born, or an oldest child if they have younger siblings.

I would say your son is not an only child. He has 2 older brothers, period. My cousin is 22 years younger than her oldest brother (and 16 or 17 years younger than the youngest boy) and has a different dad, but they have always been considered siblings in our family.

Message edited 1/27/2010 10:34:00 AM.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

no, he's not an only child and anyone who thinks that needs to reevaluate what "family" means.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Before I became pregnant with this little guy, I would always think about this. DH has his two boys from his first marriage but they are 8 and years older than Nina and the boys are very close to each other. While I know they love Nina and they love that they have a baby sister, I always wonder what will happen when they get older, if they will be close, how often they will call and see each other, etc.

A lot of this worrying and thinking is the reason why we had another baby. I just feel that if something happened to me and the boys went on with their own lives, I didn't want to leave Nina without someone at home that shared childhood with her, memories of me and DH, holidays (since we dont get the boys every holiday).

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I'm going to speak from experience. I have 3 siblings from the same mother/father and a brother from my father/stepmother. He IS my brother and always will be. There is no mention of 1/2 brother when I speak of him (there is also a 12yr difference in age and I'm the youngest of my father's first 3 kids).

Although if you ask my stepmother she has 1 child and he is an only child. The others are "her husbands kids." This is a smack across our face and I think it's the rudest thing to say when there are other children involved. Yes of course he is my stepmothers ONLY child but he does have 4 siblings and she doesn't need to say that he is an only child.

I am ONLY speaking from my experience and I think yes whether you are here or not they will always be siblings. The relationship between them depends on them developing a relationship. I would not put that barrier up for your DS that he is an only child. It's hurtful to the other children involved and almost seems like they're excluded and not wanted in the picture. Again this is only from my experience.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I dont think it matters whether they are full blood or half blood. They will be close if they choose to be regardless. I wouldnt consider him to be an only child. An only child is someone who doesn't have a brother or a sister and he does... he's lucky enough to have 2. I dont believe in the whole ' They are only half siblings'. I'm sorry, but I also consider my brothers wife to be my sister. When people ask me how many siblings I have, my answer is always.. 'One brother, 2 sisters'. It's all about the relationships people build, not the blood lines behind them. If it were me, I wouldn't use the term half-anything. They are brothers and that's it. Definately explain it when he is older if he doesn't understand, but at this point, all he needs to know is that he has brothers who care about him. JMO..

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I would say an only child is who someone defines themselves, not how others define them.

If there was no contact with them due to an estrangement with DH, then I would say he's being raised more like an only child. Clearly that isn't that case from what you've written.

It sounds to me like he has brothers who are involved in his life regularly. There will be a natural separation as they get older but they are his brothers.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

Here is a little bit of my personal story - hopefully this will ease your concern.

My parents have three children - my older brother, me, and my younger sister. When my parents separated I was 4 years old. My dad remarried a women who had a 2 year old. They had two children of there own. All together, on holidays and other occasions, there were 6 children. We didn't necessarily "grow up" together, but we were always close enough to say "I am one of 6." If no one asks questions, we don't go into detail of who is whose. Now we are all in our 20's and still very close. We do everything together! HTH

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I have 1 brother, 1 step brother, 1 step sister, 1 half brother and 1 half sister

My parents divorced when I was 2. My father remarried shortly after the divorce. She had 2 kids from her first marriage and they had 1 together. I did not live with my step/half brothers & sisters but we were very close. I saw them every weekend, summers, holidays, family vacations, etc.

My father divorced their mother over 10 years ago and I still talk to them and consider them my brothers and sisters. None of us talk to my Dad and I haven't seen their mom in years. I truly believe its how you are brought up. I was always told that even though we had different parents we were a family and these were my siblings. I will always consider them that and I am certain they feel the same way. I even still call their cousins my cousins.

My father remarried again and had a daughter but I've only met her once and she's 7 now. I consider my step sister who is no blood relation to me more of a sister than her because we have a relationship/bond.

So to answer your question if they have a close relationship now, it's likely they always will!!!!

Message edited 1/27/2010 12:34:20 PM.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

THANK YOU all for taking the time to share your stories and experiences. They have all helped me so much!



While my stepsons don't live with us full time, they are here often and the three boys are making wonderful memories to last a lifetime!

Message edited 1/27/2010 8:51:08 PM.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I don't think you ds is an only child at all. It sounds like he has a great relationship with his older brothers.

I think each situation is unique though. In my case both my parents are remarried. My Dad has 3 kids (they are much younger than myself) with my step mom and my Mom has 1 with my step father. I have almost no relationship with my mother so I have no desire to have a relationship with my half-sister. My half-sister has expressed an interest in meeting/visiting with my sister and I but I see no point. I see my Dad and step Mom frequently and speak to them and the kids all the time. I see them as my brothers and sister. I know my sister (full blood) feels the same way too.

Re: Opinions please... Is Thomas an only child?

I have a relative who was married 3 times with 6 children. There are one pair of full blood sisters, one sister, and three other full blood siblings (2 boys and a girl) with the current wife. THey are all grown. Even though they all grew up in different homes (with a 20 year age difference between the oldest and youngest), they are all close and consider themselves siblings. Its can geography, gender and stage of life that really determines how close people are, not just blood.