Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Sending more prayers!

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

DH went home with our almost 2 year old for the first time since we got here last Tuesday. Standing next to Lilas crib as she stared out into nothing I finally broke down. I miss my baby. The one who laughed at her sister stealing her toys, the one who had the biggest, brightest smile, even the one who was colic for the first 4 months of her life. I miss her looking at me when I talk to her. I miss her just looking at me. Or at anything. I miss her without tubes in her nose and wires coming out from everywhere. I hope she knows I'm here with her and for her. All the time. I hope this is temporary but as the days go by, she's more awake but doesn't focus on anything. I feel unbelievable guilt. Guilt that I didn't get a flu shot while pregnant. Or at all. That I didn't bring her to the doctor soon enough. That my 23m old has only seen us in the hospital when someone brings her to visit. That her 2nd birthday is a week from Sunday and I have no idea if we'll be home nor do we have anything planned. I'm tired. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm tired of people telling me that she's going to be perfectly fine and as good as new once this is over. Of course that's what I want, more than anything in the world. But I feel like I need to be realistic. In my head I'm already thinking of what life might be like for us once we go home, whenever that may be. All of the specialists we will likely have to see - PT, neurologists, and who knows what else. How am I going to work and take her to appointments. How do I send her to daycare? Then I feel guilty for worrying about this stuff when instead of being in the hospital with a living, breathing child, I could have been at her funeral this week had the doctors not been successful with resuscitating her.

I hate this. I want to go back in time and do something to prevent any of this from happening.

Sorry to be such a Debbie downer. I've held everything to be strong but being alone tonight just brought every emotion I've bottled inside out.

Message edited 2/26/2016 11:47:36 PM.

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

I cannot even imagine what you're going through. Just know your emotions-every single one of them-is valid. You have every right to feel the way you do except for blaming yourself. There was nothing more you could have done to prevent this. Allow yourself to cry and be angry. You have been through so much and need to let it out. Try to have faith. I am praying for you all.

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Oh my goodness, my heart sank reading this.

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

I want to give you the biggest hug!! I'm so sorry you're going through this!!

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Going to send you FM

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

You have every right to feel what you are feeling. I know how strong mommy guilt can be but you can't blame yourself. You, and your mommy instincts, actually saved her- and from what it sounds like, you did the absolute best anyone possibly could. And don't feel badly for venting here. You have a lot of support and prayers right here and feel free to get whatever you need off your chest.

I'm so sorry for Lila and for you. I'm praying that she just needs time to heal her body so that her brain can catch up and heal as well.

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Your little angel knows you are there and that your her biggest cheerleader willing her to get better. Parenting guilt never goes away and we can only make the decisions our gut tells us to maKe. Flu shot or not she could be in the same posiion. So many people get the shot and still get the flu some dont Don't focus on ways you could have prevented this. You got there just in time for the doctors to save her life and that was the best decision. Keep your head up and know these terrible moments will be distant memories if you keep you head clear of what you don't have in Your contol.

Message edited 2/27/2016 10:35:39 AM.

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

My heart aches for you, mama. I can't imagine all you must be going through - and all the strength you have shown throughout this ordeal. You have every right - and the need - to let yourself break down and cry. I cry just reading these updates. I know Mommy Guilt will never go away, but please know you did EVERYTHING for your little lady - and still do. This is not your fault and could happen to any one of us. I pray so hard that part of you begins to believe that.....and I pray daily for the continued recovery of Lila - neurologically and otherwise. May all of her systems make a full recovery. Try not to think ahead to the hows and logistics after her discharge. The now is enough to be focused on. All the love I can send.....

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

You are so incredibly strong and please allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. Be upset, angry, sad, happy. Let it all out because yes, you are a mother who needs to take care of her children, but you are also your own person and you can't neglect you. No one knows what our decisions and actions will lead to in the future, but we do know good intentions and we do know love. And when you have those, there is no reason to feel guilty at all.

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

No words can make you feel better I'm sure, but you and your family are daily in my prayers.

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

So many hugs for you and your baby girls. Everything will be okay in the end ??

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

I am so sorry you're going through this but please don't blame yourself. I know how easy it can be to do that. We moms feel that everything is on us, it's all our responsibility but try to focus on everything you did right. Every time I read your updates I think, "Thank god she trusted her instincts and took her back to the doctor when she did" if you hadn't she might not have been in the hospital when she went into cardiac arrest. I also think it's possible to be grateful that she's alive but upset about her current condition. It's ok to be angry or upset about how much she's struggling right now. I'm continuing to pray that Lila comes out of this just fine.

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Feel free to be whatever it is you need to be. We are all praying for you and your family. You don't need to be the strong one you are doing everything you can already! Thinking of you and your family!

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Your emotions are the exact ones any great mom would feel. I'm sending you a million hugs!

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Sending you lots of hugs!! All of your emotions are normal. I pray that your little girls gets stronger every day. Have you considered talking to one of the hospital social workers they are there to help you during these difficult days.

Message edited 2/27/2016 9:46:41 PM.

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Still praying for your family and your little one.

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

So sorry that you are going through this! Just try to take things one day at a time...one hour at a time..one minute at a time. Your whole world has been flipped upside down. Allow yourself to cry and release. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs and prayers!

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Thank you everyone for your posts and FMs. I appreciate them more than you can ever know. Today is a slightly better day. It might be in my head, but I think she actually looked at me today and the nurse and I both thought she looked towards the light she was using to check her pupils. I really hope it's true. They're switching her anti seizure medication from phenobarbital to keppra. It's supposed to be less sedating so hopefully we'll notice a change.

Part of her speech and swallow therapy is to get her to suck on a pacifier which is funny because she self weaned off of it about a month ago so I don't know if she's not taking it because she can't or because she doesn't want to.

Re: Please hug your babies UPDATE bottom of page 15

Hope she does better With The Keppra. I will say with my canine patients phenobarbital can really really gork some of them and I find they tolerate Keppra and zonisamide much better will less sedation/dizziness/dull attitudes. Hope the change helps your little one.

Message edited 2/28/2016 5:23:02 PM.