Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

So, I know I'm not done having children. I love my Riley but I know I'm meant to have more, and I want her to have a sibling. My hope is to be preggo by the summer. So they'll be about 3 years apart.

DH isn't on board...yet. He comes up with a million logical reasons why it's not the right time (usually money/space), or why it's just better with one (well, easier, that is).

So I start to think, it's hard enough just having one when we're on our own out here without any family. When Riley is sick, it's all on us, unless my mom can drive out here from LI at 5am or the night before to sleep over.

Imagine with two kids now? All I can think of his how much it will cost to have TWO kids in daycare. And my mom is getting older and it'll be that much harder. Plus, we're not gonna have an easy time selling this house and live in a 2 BR right now.

So...BTDT moms, especially those who have family that live OOS, is it doable? Did anyone just call off the idea of having a second child because of this? How do you manage?

TIA for your thoughts!

Message edited 3/30/2011 10:27:38 PM.

Re: Pondering having a second child...

not a btdt yet- but I can commiserate- we are in the same boat- in a 2 bedroom apt, paying the equivalent of a mortgage for daycare and I wonder how we will afford it yet I would love to have another

I hope you and your dh can get on the same page and you can work out the details so you can do it

Re: Pondering having a second child...

I'm of the mindset that it all eventually works itself out.

We have 3- all under the age of 4. It's crazy hectic and money is tight, but I wouldn't have it any other way- especially watching my two girls play together. My son crawled because he wanted to be with his sisters. The love they all have for each other makes it totally worth it.....

Re: Pondering having a second child...

no advice just
we are in the same boat. I have one DD and would love to have another. I feel like I was meant to have one more. DH is not on the same page - he has a million reasons why not and why having one is so much easier. my family watches DD so on top of that i feel guilty putting the pressure to watch two DC on both our families. I dont know what is right either I have a little bit more time before I have to make a final decision about baby number 2. I hope you make a decision that your family is happy with

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

thanks ladies

I KNOW in my heart it would all be worth it- I'm not really doubting wanting one. I know I want one.

BUT...the idea of having two when we're pretty much 'on our own' kinda scares me. It's so hard not having someone to fall back on when we most need it, ya know?

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

I am scared about having another child without family on Long Island. I truly don't know how we will do it, but DS needs a sibling and I want to give a sibling to him.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

i had a really hard time with DD by myself, i went back to ny for 2 months right after she was born. we have NOBODY out here. that's what's scared us from going for #2, but i aint getting any younger and (God willing) sooner or later it has to happen, so we're just going to try to brace ourselves for the hardships when that time comes!

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

I had my second when we were living out of state. I stayed home though, so that made it easier. I'd suggest you find a friend in the same situation as you, and become each others support. If you are lucky you can find a stay at home mom who will cover the sick days in exchange for weekend babysitting.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

we have no help either and one in daycare...not sure HOW PEOPLE afford two in daycare!! this is our ONLY problem!!

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

It's doable. It's harder but it is doable.

We live over 10 hours from our family. When the kids are sick or something is going on, it's all on us.

We look at our schedules, figure out who will take the day(s). DH travels for business, so when he is OOT it's all on me.

The first year is roughest. But, you get through.

We are now expecting number 3.

My mom is moving down soon-she retires at the end of the year. I am sure will help out a bit and that will be awesome, but she is going to get a part time job so she won't be able to drop everything. I do hope to hire her to meet the school bus when the kids are older, but that is down the road and still wouldn't be for those emergencies or last minute illnesses.

I wouldn't let it stop me from having the family I always wanted. People have made it work for years, you can too

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

Posted by CrankyPants

It's doable. It's harder but it is doable.

We live over 10 hours from our family. When the kids are sick or something is going on, it's all on us.

We look at our schedules, figure out who will take the day(s). DH travels for business, so when he is OOT it's all on me.

The first year is roughest. But, you get through.

We are now expecting number 3.

My mom is moving down soon-she retires at the end of the year. I am sure will help out a bit and that will be awesome, but she is going to get a part time job so she won't be able to drop everything. I do hope to hire her to meet the school bus when the kids are older, but that is down the road and still wouldn't be for those emergencies or last minute illnesses.

I wouldn't let it stop me from having the family I always wanted. People have made it work for years, you can too

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

DO IT!!!!!

Isaac needs a buddy

ETA: want me to bring Isaac over to try and give Brett "the bug"?

Message edited 3/31/2011 8:45:43 AM.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

I have 3 (5,3,1) and while I do have family on LI they don't help with my kids at all (unless we go away for a night or something like that) We have nanny and the nights and weekends are all me and DH. If we go out on the weekends we get a sitter. If you can afford to have another kid then I would say go for it.

I don't think having family around or not should be a factor. IMO it isn't your families job to take care of your kids. The occasional help is nice if you can get it but not a necessity.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

We have 2 kids (22 months and 9 months) and are practically on our own. My MIL lives 20 minutes away but she works A TON of overtime and is pretty much never available to us. She is all we have here.
I'm not gonna lie... it was hard going from one child to two children. Especially since they're both so young. But luckily for us, I'm able to stay home with them so daycare isn't really an issue for us.
No matter what, you're going to make it work. People do it everyday and you and your DH can do it too. If you really want a second child, don't let those fears set you back.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

Posted by MrsRbk

DO IT!!!!!

Isaac needs a buddy

ETA: want me to bring Isaac over to try and give Brett "the bug"?

Message edited 3/31/2011 9:21:47 AM.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

We have no family around - the all live out of the country bar one sister who lives 2 1/2 hours away.

We manage fine and yes it would be nice to have family to leave the kids with if we wanted to go out or something but the odd occasion we do go out we hire a sitter.

Its totally feasible.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

DH and I have 2 kids and no family in LI. DH wasn't ready to try for a second baby for similar reasons that you were mentioning: cost of daycare, time, money, etc. But, the decision was out of our hands when we learned that I was already pregnant with DD (had no clue- that's a different story.) Anyhow, we made it work. We sat with Quicken to work out numbers and figure out what expenses we needed to cut back on to make up for the additional daycare cost. I cloth diaper DD at home, so the diaper expense is not as bad. Also, I let DD wear DS's old pajamas and gender neutral clothing around the house to cut back on costs.

When the kids get sick, I usually take off from work (no different than when we had one baby). But, on evenings that I teach and can't cancel class, we have a babysitter who is willing to watch them. Eventually you get into a rhythm with two kids, and figure out alternatives for situations when there's no family around. It is totally doable, but it can be challenging

I wouldn't change it for the world, family or no family around, because of the relationship the two kids have with each other. DS and DD are best friends!

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

we have 2, and would go for three if i was younger and i thought my body could handle it.

all family is out of state, i am a SAHM. as of now i plan to go back to work part-time when DD#2 is in 1st grade. it's hard, DH works insane hours, and pretty much all the responsibility lies on me. but i wanted it this way.

is staying home for a bit an option for you? just while you would have to pay for 2? or would that do serious damage to your career that you could not recover...

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

we dont live oos but live an hr away from my mother - which doesnt really do much for us she is my grandmothers caregiver and does not/cannot leave her alone.
my sisters also live an hr away but they have 5 kids btwn the 2 of themgranted if there is an emergency they are there - but for dr appts for myself and my children or when my children are sick - that falls all on dh and i.

my inlaws live in arizona so they are no help.

i have an 18 month old and and a newborn.. is it hard ?- absolutely !!!!but it works out in the end.

we also have a 2 bedroom home - dh leaves the house at 430 in the morning and comes home usually by 5 or 6 at night. sometimes like tonight he will come home after 9.. - so while it is very hard dealing with 2 little ones with no help i know there is some light at the end of the tunnel!

good luck with ur decision!

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

I'm currently PG with #2 and I can tell you for me it's been hard. This pregnancy is so much harder than my first and I've been sick a lot.

We have no one to call (we have my sister about 40 mins away but she's got an 11 month old and she works) and care for my son so DH usually needs to go in late or stay home from work.

We're going to start to look for someone to be able to call when I need them. It's hard when all you want is your family and they're so far away.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

Yeah that's is why I'm one and done. I can't see the logic behind trying for another and I'm happy with only one.

I can see it as a real internal struggle, if I had wanted another. Its tough. Actually its why I moved out of NY. I'm 'closer' to family now, but its still not down the street close. If I wanted another, I have a fighting chance but its still a tight fit.

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

My DH and I were forced to go the IVF route. Since we were self pay and had spent so much money trying to figure out our problem, we had to get the best chance for success. We were just about to move OOS where we had NO ONE. My DH was really against implanting 2 embies-didnlt know if we could handle twins, money, no relatives around, etc.

Well we ended up doing it, have two beautiful boys and wouldn't change a thing. It was hard in the beginning, but worked out beautifully. Now a lot of our family lives in town and my Mom and my sister live about 2.5 hrs away. I would say as far as daycare goes-you might want to consider a nanny. Don't worry about the house so much..the baby can sleep with you for a while and then maybe they can share a room. It all works out

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

Oh and as far as your DH goes tell him you're only interested in DTD now for procreation

Re: Pondering having a second child...(especially looking for moms living OOS from family)

Posted by Linda1003

we have no help either and one in daycare...not sure HOW PEOPLE afford two in daycare!! this is our ONLY problem!!