Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I gave up my job to be a SAHM. I did work FT intially from when DS was 4 months old until he was 14 months old. My Mom watched him for me, so I was really lucky.

However, I was miserable at my job. I worked for a horrible woman who thought lives should revolve around work. I could not quit though, we needed the $$ because I made a pretty decent salary, and with our mortgage/bills it would be too tight. But I really wanted to stay at home, which shocked me because I never envisioned myself as one.

Well, my prayers were answered when DH's company was bought, and he was offered a great job OOS with a lower cost of living. We moved to VA and I happily quit my job. I don't miss working at all. I always felt inept and exhausted and struggled to run the household, spend time with my son, and do well at work.

Now, I feel on top of things, and I love spending so much more time with DS. Some days can be monotonous, but we have fun with classes, play dates, storytime at the library, playground, etc. For some women, this type of life would not be a good fit. But for me, I love it- even on hard days like I had today. I am 37 and worked my whole adult life. I am expecting #2 in 10 weeks and plan to enjoy every minute with my two little ones and appreciate that I am able to do it.

I do plan on working again- when the boys are in school. It may be part time, may be a totally different type of job. I will see what the future holds. But I do see myself working again- college/retirement is expensive!

GL with your choice

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

Have you considered returning to the daycare field and having your dc with you at work? That may be a way for you to be able to have the best of both worlds.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I was you 3 years ago. I was making a very good salary in a management position. I worked hard for my degrees and certifications, but after 1 week of leaving my DD in daycare for 50 hours I couldn't do it again. I approached my boss and she let me work 2 days from home. I did this for a year and half. I was sooooo lucky to have such a supportive manager and staff (although it was hard to earn respect, because nobody believes you actually work from home with a baby.) I even hired a mother's helper and did above and beyond to prove this could work.

I got pregnant with my DS when my DD was only 9 months so once I had him I knew I couldn't work from home anymore and be productive. I left and found a part time job. Thankfully in my field PT pays decent enough to make it work. DC continued to go to daycare PT (3x a week.) However in this economy I was the first to be laid off, but have found another part time job and still have then in school for 3 days.

What I will say is that now that my DD is 3 she does say she has friends and enjoys school (most of the time anyway ) It does get easier once you get into a routine.

You have to do what works for your family. Going part time for some is the best of both worlds, and while I agree for the most part - I do feel it comes with some sacrafices (less money, nothing gets 100% of my attention since even though I'm "off" I'm a "professional" and I'm expected to field calls or do stuff at night if its time senstive, etc.)

Good luck in your decision. It's not an easy one

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I have done all 3, FT workign mom, FT SAHM and PT Working/SAHM.

I went back to work FT when DS was 3 months and my ILs watched DS. I stayed for 3 months. I loved my job, and going back wasnt nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
DH was uncomfortable with the idea of daycare, and we felt bad that ILs were watching DS all the time, so we decided I would leave my job that I loved! to find a PT job. (I found it through careerbuilder)

I did that for 9 months before my team was cut due to $$$$. I worked 3 days a week in the office and was home the rest of the week. IT was fantastic! I loved the balance. I enjoyed having extra $$, I enjoyed having somethign that was MINE, I enjoyed adult interaction, using my mind etc.

Now I have been home for nearly 1 year. While I love it, its hard. For me one of the hardest things is not having something that is mine, my accomplishments. I have a great circle of friends who I have met in the last year who are SAHMs and they way I feel is that to them I am Christopher's mom. Then some people know me as DH's wife....but nothing is just MINE. I am not sure if that makes sense.
While I enjoy being home, I am looking to go back PT because I feel its the best balance.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

Message edited 3/2/2010 10:38:56 PM.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

for me, we moved out of state when i was 8 months preggo, so we decided i'd become a SAHM instead of finding a job in the new city.

it's been quite an adjustment to say the least. i've always been working, always done something with my life. the only down time i had was during summer vacation from school, and even that wasn't much because as soon as i could work, i was working summer jobs.

being a SAHM is full time, all the time, every time mommy. no breaks, no sick days, nada.

to answer your questions though - i def miss having the extra money, but we agreed that me taking care of the baby vs. putting her in daycare and me going back to work was what we wanted. we've made adjustments to how we live our life and luckily, we moved to the suburbs where it's much easier to save (vs living in new york city!)

i defffffff missed having adult time, but my case was a bit extreme - we moved OOS and have no friends or family here AT ALL, so where some people might have siblings or family to visit and stop by for some "sanity", i had nothing! nobody! so yes, this got to me bad...i had to go out of my way to mommy groups for some adult interaction...it was bad!!

i don't wish i went back to work and put her in daycare though...i thank God that we are comfortable enough for me to stay at home and not have to go back to work...although we COULD use the money and not penny pinch every single place, the thought of me going back to work and her spending all day with a day care provider kills me. we'll just make do with what we have right now :)

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I wohm and found that the anticipation was 10 times worse than the actual return. I have a demanding job and really enjoy it - while i would rather work p/t, i know that i would never be happy staying home f/t. You get into a routine pretty quickly. the first week stinks and i cried, but before you know it, you are in a routine and you can't remember not working. My DH lost his job in finance and was unemployed for 6 months - we were fine b/c i was employed. After that experience, i think i would never leave my job even though my dh has found a great job - i find it would be totally irresponsible in this economy to leave a good paying stable job. My DS was in daycare starting at 3 months - while i know someone said she would rather live in a "cardboard box" rather than put dc in daycare, there are a ton of mothers here that do and are really happy - me included. there are some great ones out there. g/l

Message edited 3/2/2010 11:27:30 PM.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I left my career with a great salary, bc as you we didn't have family or another option I felt comfortable with. Do I miss my career, YES!!! I'm actually interviewing now to get something with a home office rather than commuting to the city...I miss making money, I miss gettng dressed up every day and just the city itself...but at the same time I cant imagine leaving DD with anyone, so thats why I'm looking for a home office position in my field, I'm desperately trying to get the best of both worlds if thats possible!!!

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I'm currently a SAHM until Sept, when I'll become a working mom.

For me, I currently make more $ than DH so while we are surviving on his salary, we won't be able to live the life we want if we continue to have just his salary. I'm enjoying the first year of her life home with her and then I plan to go back. The whole thought makes me very upset, especially as she is growing, becoming more fun, and starting to be my buddy. I know that I'm going to miss out a lot by being at work, but I think the interaction of day care will be good for her (also don't have the family watching her option) and I'll make sure that I make the most of my time with her now and when I return to work.

It helps that I am a teacher and will have a lot of time with her that people in other professions don't. Right now I dread the day I go back, but I have faith that when it comes we will all adjust, as so many other moms have.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I'm a SAHM. I did leave my career to stay home. I'm still paying off my loans from getting my masters degree. But I wouldn't have wanted to stay in my job anyway. It was high stress, very deadline driven and there was no excuse for not hitting a deliverable, which often meant staying late and bringing work home at night or on weekends. My manager was a tool and often mis-interpreted what our VP wanted and I often was re-working my marketing plans and projections. I was burning out and once I got pregnant I knew that I had no interest in continuing at that company or even in that capacity anywhere anyway. Plus I've always wanted to be a SAHM and DH had been on board with that since before we were engaged - but we had agreed that we'd have to look at our finances at the time to make a decision.

The money thing wasn't a huge adjustment. In order to prepare we'd been living off one salary and saving the other for years, so we didn't have to make changes to our everyday life. And I was working for a non-profit and making less than commuting and daycare would have cost, let alone all the other incremental costs, so it didn't make financial sense to go back to work.

Sometimes I missed the adult interaction, but I have never had the urge to return to work. I think I mainly missed it because my DH works long hours and isn't around when the kids are awake during the week, so that was sometimes lonely. But I love being home with the kids. We have no plans for me to return to the workforce. Once the kids are in school full time I plan on volunteering at a few local places so that will keep me occupied, but allows me to be around for school events or when the kids are sick, snow days, whatever.

Good luck! Becoming a SAHM wasn't a hard decision for me, I hope you find a solution that makes you happy too.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

To the SAHM's: Did you leave your career in order to stay at home with your DC? If so, was not having the extra money an adjustment? Did you miss having "adult" time, and going to work everyday? Did you eventually return, and if so how old was DC? Do you wish you put DC in daycare and kept your career?

I was an elementary school teacher. My DD was born in Sept. 2008 and I did not return to teaching. She is now 17 months old and I am still home with her. Not having as much income is an adjustment for sure but one that I was 100% willing to make because being home with my DD was the most important thing to me. Everything else we can figure out, I would rather do with less and be with her all day then have more and be at work. But that's just me.

I don't miss work one bit and since most of my time was spent with little kids anyway I can't say I miss adult interaction since there wasn't a ton of that. I never wanted to put my child in daycare. Being a SAHM was something that was important to both DH and I and it was something we discussed loooooong before having children. I am SO happy with my decision to stay home and I have no regrets. Every day spent with my DD is a blessing and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being a SAHM. It's not for everyone but it's perfect for me!

Message edited 3/3/2010 8:24:45 AM.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

To Mom's who continued with their careers:

Did it get easier to drop DC off, and go to work?
-Yes it gets easier...first couple of weeks were tough-now it's no big deal

Does the day still go fast or does it drag on?
-Depending how busy it is day can be fast or drag on. My dd goes to daycare where I work so I usually go to see her at lunch so that helps

Have you cried at work?
-No

Are you constantly late to work due to getting Dc ready in the am?
-I am constantly late, but was before I had dd too, lol

Do you wish you would have just left your job?
-I have my moments

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I left my high level job in Manhattan to be a SAHM. I actually left when I was pregnant because we moved OOS and it would not have made sense to get a job since I always wanted to stay home. I've posted a few times on the subject, but it has been very difficult for me. Two years later I am STILL adjusting to not having my 'own' money and I miss the adult interaction and using my brain for something I went to school for. The days are very long for me, not to mention monotonous.

I do some work from home as a consultant but find it very difficult to get anything done when DS is awake, and its hard for me not to become frustrated. I wish that I could put him in daycare maybe 1 day per week so I could focus better on the work, but money is extremely tight.

The other issue has been making friends. Because we moved to a different state, I'm pretty much alone. I've met a few people in moms groups, but no one yet that I totally click with and can trust to leave my DC with, etc. After college I met friends through work, and with no work, I have found it difficult to meet people I can really connect with.

All this being said, I can't imagine having my DS is daycare fulltime. I do love being with him. I just wish I could figure out a part-time situation that would allow me to have the best of both worlds. The fact that money is tight consumes me and I feel guilty that I'm not 'pulling my weight' (DH doesn't make me feel this way) and the loneliness I've experienced has been really difficult. I'm having DC#2 in June, and we will likely reevaluate our situation when she is 6-12 months.

Best of luck with your decision - I can totally relate because this struggle is on my mind at all times.

Eta: my post makes it sound like I'm not appreciate of being able to stay home and that is not the case at all. I feel extremely blessed that I've been able to do this (what I always dreamed of) and that my DH has been totally on board and working extra hard for our family. I think the hardest thing for me to accept is the fact that what I always wanted may not have been what I wanted at all...if that makes sense? I almost feel like a bit of a failure I guess that I am not in love with being a full time SAHM, but I am truly grateful.

Message edited 3/3/2010 8:49:35 AM.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

oops, I meant to edit my original post, not quote it

Message edited 3/3/2010 10:01:31 AM.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I am a SAHM right now (I work VERY part time).

I was able to be home with DS from teh time he was born to 5 months. Then I went back to work full time from 5 months - 15 months. It did not work for us. I was miserable, and we were lucky enough to have MIL watch DS!

We decided that I would take a leave of absence from my job for 2 years (We are allowed to request 2 years per child). So, I am very lucky that I did not have to completely leave my job - especially since ths is my DREAM job!

YES, we are struggling financially. We never had an issue before - I make more than DH. So now it's a real struggle. We are trying to buy a house and finding it is almost impossible. =
We can hardly do anything. We do FREE things - like the playground, library, cheap open plays, etc. We were able to join a mommy and me class once a week that I think is very reasonable and we love it.

I do miss adult interaction. It's a little bit of a different culture out here with the SAHMs. Sometimes I feel like they're friendly...and sometimes not so much. I guess it just takes time.

With all of that said - I HAVE NO REGRATS AND WOULD NEVER CHANGE IT. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity - so any people want to do this and simply cant. I am so thankful for this time with DS. And I have to say that, for us, it has helped our marriage. I was so stressed working and taking care of DS... my marriage was definitely suffering. Now I am so much more at ease, and it has helped our relationship tremendously.

Being a SAHM has it's difficult moments - but it is teh BEST decision I ever made!

Good luck. It's definitely a personal decision. Two of my best friends say they would never stay home, even if they could. They think ithe hardest thing to do is be a SAHM... for me it's the opposite.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I am a SAHM. I left my job 2 years ago this month when my twins where born. I now have them and a 5 m/o. I didn't like my job, so it wasn't that hard of a decision, however, I do worry about finding a job one day - whatever it will be.
The money adjustment was/is hard. Everything has to be planned for, which can be very frustrating.
I absolutely miss the structure of going to work and having an adult conversation. It is VERY difficult staying home many days because you literally literally never get a break. But I have been struggling since practically this all started. It's just not an option for them to go to daycare (even though my Mom has one herself). We feel that WE had the children, WE should take care of them. That's just us. It does come at many costs, though.
You need to do what will work best for you.
Honestly, if you LOVE your job, I wouldn't leave it.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I know this feeling all too well. I have been a working mom, WAHM and SAHM.

I have always been a very driven person and a bit of a workaholic. I had worked very hard to get to where I was and was making fantastic money.

When I was pregnant with DD, I swore I would have no problem going back to work right away. After she was born and I was done with maternity leave everything changed. Things weren't great at my office and I am sure that added to the situation. However, I just wasn't happy or fulfilled working fulltime anymore. I was also having some issues with her daycare situation.

After feeling this way for a few months, I talked to my manager and we worked out a part time position for me from home. It seemed like the perfect balance but they basically expected me to get my full time work done for half the salary. Within 6 months the economy crashed and I was laid off. They gave me a choice to come back into the office and assume a much higher level position but at that point I wanted less work and commitment not more.

I have now been a SAHM for a year since being laid off. I still look for a job that would be good for me and suits the situation but for now I am happy. I never thought I would be OK with being home but I am. For me it helps that I went back to school during this time, so I am busy and keeping my mind active. It was a huge adjustment but I am so glad my life unfolded this way. I wouldn't trade the time I have had with DD for anything.

No matter what anyone tells you to do, what will work best is what is deep inside you. What is it that you truly want and need? You could be like me and not know and that is ok. Maybe try going back and see how it goes. You may find that it is the right choice for you and this is just the fear of the ubknown. You might decide it isn't right for you and make a change.

All I can say is with life you really don't 100% know how you feel about something unless you are in the situation.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

To Mom's who continued with their careers:
~I went back to work when DD was only 8 weeks and I know how you are feeling 110%! I have a better paying and higher positioned job than DH does so I didn't really have the option of not going back to work but I'm sure that we would have found a way to make it work. A very good friend of ours works at a local daycare and I always assumed that when DD was born that she would go to that daycare. About 2 weeks before I was supposed to go back to work, I visited this daycare and I was NOT impressed at all. I couldn't even sleep that night because I was so uneasy about it. DH and I then scrambled to a couple of other daycares and we found one that was perfect. It wasn't the newest place but I felt the most comfortable with it.

Did it get easier to drop DC off, and go to work?
~YES!!! It does get easier, I promise you! Also, I'm not sure what type of job you have but I actually started working from home when DD was 5 weeks old. I was able to ease in to work and I felt like I was important to my job again.

DD is now 8 months on Saturday and is thriving at daycare. She is no longer the youngest one at daycare and that makes me feel a lot better. I really and truly believe that she is learning a lot of social skills by being at daycare that I could not have taught her by keeping her home.


Does the day still go fast or does it drag on?
~In the beginning it went by a little slow because I was daydreaming about DD...who is she playing with? Is someone paying attention to her? Is napping comfortably? But after a few weeks we all sort of fell in to the groove and it has really worked for us. Now since DD is 8 months old, I don't worry for a second about her well-being while she is at daycare. Now my days drag because I'm at work!

Have you cried at work?
~I had one day in the beginning where I got a little emotional but I called the daycare and they told me that she was sitting on the teacher's lap around the other kids in the circle, and they were singing songs. I could hear them in the background and I just knew that this was the right thing for DH and I and for our DD.

Are you constantly late to work due to getting Dc ready in the am?
~I am typically right on time. In the beginning it takes a while for you and DH to get your routine down. Now we know what to do the night before and what we can leave for the morning. Like all big changes, it really just takes time to work out the kinks!

Do you wish you would have just left your job?
~There are days that I would much rather be home, but I think that everyone feels like that whether they have kids or not. For me, as much as I love being with DD and hanging out at home, I really enjoy making my salary, being eligible for bonuses, and earning a monthly commission.

I am also able to work from home as needed so on days when I feel like I didn't get enough time with DD, I keep her home from daycare and work from home.

Again, it takes some time and a lot of trial and error to really get in to the groove. I know that daycare isn't always the best decision for everyone, but I truly feel like we made the best decision for our family. Here are some hugs for having to make such a difficult decision. Only you and DH can decide on what is right for your family.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

I can honestly say that going back to work for me was much harder than I expected. I was one of those gun ho “career minded” woman who never would ever consider being a stay at home mom. When people asked me if I would be staying home, I would immediately jump down their throats and rattle off the “ I worked very hard to get where I am in life” blah, blah, blah… I make a great salary and carry the benefits. I was able to take almost 7 months off for maternity leave and have been back to work for exactly 11 months today. Perhaps given my situation of course, this has been the most difficult 11 months of my life. My son has an “asthma like condition” that requires me to take time off very frequently. We have no help from either side and my husband has been only recently more accommodating to schedule changes. I commute to the city half of the week which is torturous. When I get home, I think to myself that I cannot believe that I have to do it all over again next day. I do nothing for myself b/c every waking moment I want to be with my son. I feel guilty if I leave for 30 minutes to get a manicure. Lately, I cannot ever imagine having another child because of how difficult things are. It is possible for me to stay home, but I think working part time would be the best option for me and my sanity, but that is not likely possible until I am able to switch my position which will not be until next year. There are other factors to this story i.e. family issues/sickness that make matters worse for me. If my supervisor was not as flexible with me, I would more than likely have quit by now.

With that said, my son goes to daycare. He loves it there and thrives. He just turned 16 months old, can speak words in two languages and is an amazingly social being. I credit much of this to the fact that he is in daycare. He loves his friends and going to school everyday. He is such a happy child and I do not fell that being in that type of environment has a negative effect at all. They have taught him so much and I am thankful that they treat him wonderfully. I did cry the first day we dropped him off. I cried the entire day mostly. Although I do count the moments before I pick him up, I am able to get my work done. I will say that work has no longer become a priority for me.

Good luck to you and your decision.

Message edited 3/3/2010 9:33:35 AM.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long

Posted by Kate

Posted by computergirl

Well, I've been a SAHM for 4 years now. To answer your questions--

Yes, I did leave a good career (I worked in technology) and a very good salary.

No, I did not miss having the extra money. We had been banking my salary from the day we got married and combined our finances, so I never felt like I missed having my "own" money. None of the money I made was "mine" and none of the money DH made was "his". Everything was ours and still is. I obviously miss saving as aggressively as I did, but we still find ways to save each month.

Yes, sometimes I miss the level of adult interaction and the specific sort of challenges my old career offered. But let's face it, the grass is always greener on the other side, so for every bad day I have as a SAHM where I wish I was at work, I admit there were an equal number of bad days at the office years ago, where I wished I was home. There is no such thing as a perfect lifestyle.

Overall, I have zero regrets. This has been a special time in my life-- being home with my kids when they're little and not in school. There will never be an opportunity to take care of them in this way again, so I'm glad I seized the moment and was here for every minute.

I don't have any concrete plans to go back to work once the kids are in school... DH is in a high powered demanding job and is NOT in a position to split the days off required when kids are home sick, school is closed, etc, so it's probably best for our family for me to remain at home and available.

This is exactly how it is for me too.

Re: SAHM's and moms who work: Desperately need to pick your brains..kind of long