Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

So I know I should be really thankful that my mom has offered to watch my baby but I'm really stressing out.

To make a LONG story a little shorter. . .

my family and I came from this country when I was 5. They were immigrants and sacrificed their whole lives so that my brothers and I could have better futures. My parents worked non-stop to basically put food on the table. The end result. My grandfather basically raised me and taught me English bc my mom was always working.

Now, I only speak English and my mom only really speaks Chinese. We've never had a real "conversation" our whole lives. I've never confided in her nor felt she was ever there to guide me through life. She always supplied me with the basics (food, shelter, clothing, etc.) but I never "loved" her like you love a mom. At this point we are just from 2 diff cultures and are 2 diff people who have a duty and obligation to each other. (I know, harsh and cold, but I'm being deadly honest.

My husband and his family are the warmest, most loving family you could ever meet. Everything I wanted in my own family but never had. I see that this is how things are with other families and it makes me a little resentful towards my mom.

Fast forward, last summer (right before getting PG), my father passed away. Mom wants to move in with me and watch the baby.

I know I have to take her in and that I should be grateful for her wanting to watch my child, but I am totally stressing out because all she ever says to me is how she gave up her life to give me the opportunities I have now.

She has never told me that she is proud of me for what I've done and what I've become. Nothing I do is good enough and everything I do should be to pay her back for all she has sacrificed for me.

I'm sorry if it's hard to understand, but I feel like I raised myself emotionally and put myself through school, and turned out pretty damn good. I don't need her constant negativeness and her telling me what a selfish, ungrateful person I am.

She has been like this my whole life and it has caused me to go away for college and never want to come back. I visit her dutifully but I don't know how I'm going to live with her. I love my life with DH now, and don't want to get pulled back to my childhood, which was not that pleasant.

I feel like this is going to be a huge emotional strain on me and my relationship with DH and now that the day is coming closer, all I do is dread the day.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice. Just needing to vent.

Thank you so much for reading!! And sorry, this is so long.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

i am so sorry you are struggling with this now

i am wondering if by offering to move in with you and help with the baby, your mom is trying to get closer to you the only way she knows how?

i can understand the stress of having your mom there but the truth is that she will be a guest in your house, and there will be no need for you to change who you are or how you behave. if your mom is uncomfortable with that, it is on her to leave.

i am just worried that if you say no and push your mom away now, your child will never really know his grandmother - and they will miss out on a wonderful opportunity to be a part of two amazing cultures.

i wish you the best of luck and i hope you and your DH can make the decision that is best for all of you.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

I am going through something very similar (to a degree).

My dad passed away when I was 11 and my Mom is now moving literally around the corner from where DH and I live (she can almost see our house from hers). We don't live on LI and we will be the only people she knows.

While I love my Mom and everything she has done for me throughout my life, I am scared of the strain this is going to put on my relationship with my DH. My Mom is NOT one to keep her thoughts to herself, and has always been VERY controlling of my life. We also were never THAT close. I often feel that my best friends understand me a lot better than my Mom and I am often left wondering how I am her daughter (other than the controlling thing which I definitely inherited from her).

While I am very grateful that she will be watching DD or DS during her retirement, I just hope that we can look past our many differences and survive this. I don't really have any advice for you - I am just going to take it one day at a time...

FM if you ever want to talk / vent.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

I agree with LB.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

A lot of this could be cultural. Its hard for their generation to say they are proud of you in fear you won’t push yourself harder for bigger and better. They sometimes live in constant fear of having failed you and all they can really do emotionally is offer that rod to push you more and more. Its almost like it’s their duty and they show their pride that way (if we didn’t care, we’d leave you alone as a lost cause).

None of this makes it easier. Talking to her about it probably won’t resolve it either, but you can try.

Family pride and obligation will make this hard but you can only hope to prove she isn’t going to ruin this for you. Show her that you won’t take her negativity but instead putting in a positive each time. Not rudely or stand off-ish but consistently. My step mother is this way and we tried hard to show my adopted siblings the world isn’t a dark storm of fear, hate and loathing as she said it was. We made the extra effort to show them fun, love and light. My step mother could join or get left behind, unfortunately she was always left behind. She made us feel guilty for having fun (she would ‘suffer’ and work so hard and ‘sacrifice’ and we’d just ‘throw it away selfishly’ etc)

Still at least you’re semi-civil with each other. Maybe you’ll learn another side of you and she of you when you two are forced to deal with each other so intimately as you never have before.

Wish I could say this can get better and mean it but all I can say is I understand it and I wish you luck.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

I am sooo sorry you are going through this here are some I wish you the best of luck ~ I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family!

Message edited 2/4/2008 12:14:18 PM.