Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

DD is 27 months old. She really has been a very good girl for the most part until recently. We had some tantrums/meltdowns, but I could usually handle it ok. Lately she has changed. Right now she has a nasty cold, so I know she is just "off" and I really hope once the cold is gone, she'll be back to "normal." But the behavior I'm really having trouble knowing how to handle is the bossy-ness. We just spent 10 minutes coming down the stairs because I could not figure out the way SHE wanted me to go down. I had to hold the bannister EXACTLY the way she wanted me to. DH & I really don't want to be raising a little dictator. His niece is like this and we both feel very strongly about nipping this behavior ASAP. I need to get some new parenting books and plan to hit the library as soon as I can get there alone. In the meantime, do any of you have any advice? Please?????? I know I can just refuse to do it her way and let her flip out. I just hate hearing the screaming & carrying on. But I'll do it if it will break this pattern. I really think she might need to go to preschool earlier than I had planned. I hate thinking that I can't fix this.

I'd greatly appreciate any advice. TIA
Book recommendations would be helpful too.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

I am going to say something you already mentioned...BUT..it is so important not to give in to her demands.

What I would do is to say sternly "Mommy is going to walk down this way, you can walk however you'd like".

If she is insistent that you do something the way she wants it and has a tantrum or meltdown when you don't comply, I would pick her up and she goes immediately into a time out. When she has cooled down I would explain to her the reason for the time out....

Easier said than done, i know!! We have been dealing with our sons meltdowns here and there..he sometimes doesn't want to walk down the stairs and wants to be carried..he'll lay down in the stairwell and cry..but I refuse to give in. I will grab his hand and drag him down if i have to...(sounds mean, but I can't give in!!!). He learned that he now must walk himself..no other options.

I don't know of any books..I honestly don't read books on that stuff, I just try to approach these situations as they come and know that once you give in, thats it!

Hang in there. I know it can get grueling sometimes!!!

(BTW...my 20 month old niece is REALLY bad with dictating and my SIL does whatever she wants. She now will insist that other people do what she wants when she wants it done...she is creating a monster in an otherwise very sweet girl! I'm sure you guys are doing much better :)

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

One more thing..never be afraid of letting them cry. Yeah it can stink to listen to it and you feel bad, but its the only way for them to learn sometimes! I have no tolerance for the screaming and carrying on when he doesn't get his way and its worked to just ignore sometimes and pretend like you can't hear it.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

It won't be like this forever, especially because you don't want it to be...that is always the first step towards change...

It sounds like your DD is at the point of "if you always get to tell ME what to do, well now I want to start telling YOU what to do"...it's very natural...

There are also children (and adults as well) who are born leaders, and others followers...who knows, maybe this is some foreshadowing for her being a leader in the future...you are just trying to teach her how to do it properly.

Right now maybe you can start off small - you know kids are all about choices. Tell her she has two choices - you will go down the stairs like a lion or you will go down the stairs like a mouse...which is her choice. She will still have some control over the situation, but not so much that you feel like a slave to her demands...

Do the same in all aspects of her life - choice for outfits (although YOU determine the two choices), choice for how she will get into bed, choice for snack, etc....the more choices she gets throughout the day, hopefully she will feel more in control of her life and not feel the need to dictate...

Good luck with everything!

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Thank you all SO much. I have been doing some of your suggestions (like the choices) and will try the rest. I know that we need to let her cry sometimes and use the timeouts more than we have.
You've made me feel so much better about this. Thank you!! I love the leader and follower thing. I never thought of it that way. I think our DD is definitely a performer and leader. It should be interesting to see what happens with that...

Message edited 2/10/2009 11:36:45 AM.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Posted by PrincessP

This is us...
we cant fathom hearing the crying. Dh moreso then me. I cant figure out when the crying is going to stop. She is working us right now as well. I mean what do you do when finally the tantrum gets nuts and they are already in timeout getting louder bc you are in the next room and they know you can hear them?
I am just hoping and praying she grows out of it but I also dont want to instill a certain kind of behavior ...kinda what you described your neice to be like...thats not happening...
I may also, like you, take out some books and see what I can find. Mine also just started this.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

I don't give in to Alex's numerous and varied dictatorship demands, unless, of course, she asks for me to do something very nicely. If not, I ignore her and let her tantrum. It certainly is painful to hear the screaming, crying, stomping and pouting, but in the long run, I'd prefer to hear 5 momentary minutes of crying, than live an eternity with a spoiled little girl who expects the world to cater to her every whim.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

hi susan...

i am so with you--- like everyone said, i let cole have his tantrums, but i try (as hard as it is) not to raise my voice. i say very sternly, "do you understand mommy?... you are not supposed to do that---" etc. etc. i speak to him as if he is an adult. i find that he has his little tantrum and within minutes, he has gotten over whatever it was and starts playing again. and i tell him to talk to me, not whine if he wants something...

hang in there... i know it's a tough phase.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

ok, here we go -- major tantrum #1 today. I'm ignoring the crying, yelling, snot running everywhere (since she won't let me wipe it.) I'm trying to breathe deeply and be strong. Naptime can't some soon enough. This tantrum has put us off schedule, she should have been napping already. Hence, part of the problem.
I will pass along a tidbit I find helps head off the tantrums (usually): if I give her lots of warnings about what is going to happen next. (ie: today we were leaving the grocery store & she was in one of those carts with the car/steering wheel attachments, which she never wants to leave, but I warned her a few times that we were leaving soon & getting into the car. It worked & she was fine.)

Thank you all once again for giving me the strength and distracting me. The crying seems to be dying down now (I hope!)

ETA: She's calm now. It worked!! When I went to get her, I explained why she was in "time out." She finally took her coat & shoes off. Now she's drinking some water & eating. Hopefully she'll nap soon.

Message edited 2/10/2009 3:03:39 PM.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Hey Susan didnt they always say redheads were fierce!!!!!!!!!
I am going to try and do what you said with the pre warnings. In another yr we will write a book...LOL

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

she's me and I am her. really, when I look at her pics, I totally know what she is thinking.

I really think its the redhead in her.

I am soooo bossy. I have been my whole life. My mother says I came out telling them what to do and never stopped.

Now, I have a boss on my hands...I know where he learned it from.

I tell him I am an adult and I am my own boss. He can ask me to do something once, if I say no, that's it.

He's bossy with his friends. I sort of make a big deal out of it and tell him that he's not their dad, they can do whatever they want.

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Posted by PrincessP

Hey Susan didnt they always say redheads were fierce!!!!!!!!!
I am going to try and do what you said with the pre warnings. In another yr we will write a book...LOL

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Posted by Janice

Posted by PrincessP

Hey Susan didnt they always say redheads were fierce!!!!!!!!!
I am going to try and do what you said with the pre warnings. In another yr we will write a book...LOL

just read this now

dr told me redheads have 2 things

allergies and tempers

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Posted by Janice

Posted by PrincessP

Hey Susan didnt they always say redheads were fierce!!!!!!!!!
I am going to try and do what you said with the pre warnings. In another yr we will write a book...LOL

just read this now

dr told me redheads have 2 things

allergies and tempers

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

Posted by PrincessP

I died my hair red...
I figured people would understand me better...LOL (I kid)

Re: Toddler (age 2+) moms/dads PLEASE help

I think you should ignore her "directions". She doesn't run the show - you do. Don't give into her or she will continue. Walk away and ignore her tantrum (if you are home and able to). Then she will realize that you are not paying attention to her when she acts like that.