Try to discipline the kids?

Brief background (not too much info) - wife and kids (4 and 5 year old) are at her brothers house (he has a 7 year old) in NJ. Her parents are also there. They are about 3 hours away.
I am at my dad's house because I didn't want him to be alone too much (even pre-covid, he never went out or talked to anyone but I can tell he does get lonely but he is not easy to get along with)

My wife work's a ton of hours (remote now) - her schedule is wake up at 6:30 make breakfast, log into work at 7:30 then log off at 7:30 eat dinner. Get kids ready for bed put them to bed. Log back into work until around 12/1am.

My MIL cooks lunch and dinner for everyone, but other than that she's relaxing and watching tv (which is fine).

So during the day the kids are just "free". They play and watch ipad all day. If you try to make them do some school work they refuse and just go play.
I guess because my son is 4 he throws tantrums at the drop of a hat. If hes hungry and you're still cooking - melt down for 30+ minutes (on the floor screaming and crying)

My dad said there's no point in trying to discipline, since I am not there to do it, and my wife is not available either. There's nobody to "enforce" things.
He said - "Just let them run wild until this is over and you're back home and then try to get to behave again"

I don't agree with that, but I agree that if there's nobody to enforce it then there's no point.
And my wife is stressed and it doesn't help when I say "Try telling them if they cry then no ipad tomorrow"

She just says "Well, DS is crying full blast for over 30 minutes and I'm trying to do a conference call so I have to give the ipad"

What do you all think?
Let them be free?

Thanks

Message edited 5/7/2020 12:52:19 PM.

Re: Try to discipline the kids?

I have to agree with your dad.

If you MIL or her Brother (dont know if the Brother is marries) cant enforce rules on them and its all on your wife how has no time because of work then I would kind of let them be "free".

At that age you want to let them do whatever it is if it keeps them quiet while you are on a call.

My kids are 6 and 9 so they kind of understand they have to be quiet when I am on call but they still forget and they basically are doing what they want during the day because I have no time while working to try to enforce any kind of schedule.

Try to discipline the kids?

I think you need to find a way to get yourself to NJ to help with your kids.

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Re: Try to discipline the kids?

Same. If both households have been distancing, then you should get down there and help your wife who is working 12 hour days with two kids and some well meaning but probably not very substantial help. Going by this and other posts, you are relentlessly critical of your wife. This post gave me PTSD.

I also have to say, unrelated, I am so over employers turning a blind eye to the struggles of mothers working remotely and expecting us to pretend that we don’t have kids.

Message edited 5/7/2020 1:34:02 PM.

Try to discipline the kids?

The 2 big issues stopping me from going to NJ is:
1. I work about the same number of hours as my wife but I'm on about 5 hours of conference calls during the work day, thats why I have to log in at night to make up for the times I spend on conference calls.
2. Her brother works in a doctor's office, while he is practicing proper hygine I am hesistant to 'cross contaminate' when I come back to my dad's home. His health is not the greatest.

As for me being critical, that isn't my intention but I'm sure thats how it comes across to others and to my wife.
Could be my lack of social graces, but when someone is saying "XYZ is a problem" - shouldn't we give input or advice?
"If XYZ is a problem, have you tried doing ABC? Why not try DEF also"

when I complain to my friends - "Work sucked today because of...." - I don't mind if they tell me "Try doing this" or "You shouldn't phrase things that way, say this instead"

If they said "You're stupid because of this...." or "Doing this is dumb", I think thats different because they are saying something about ME. But if they say "Try this" its not an attack its just advice isn't it?

I always thought if they just said "yeah, that sucks" then its like they weren't even listening. But if they gave input or advice they're showing that they care enough to try help me solve the issue.

Message edited 5/7/2020 1:52:06 PM.

Try to discipline the kids?

I don’t think it’s gonna matter. We are all kind of stuck in the same situation if working from home. Unless you put the kids in a daycare setting you are both stuck since she needs to be available for 12 hrs a day. Even if you go to NJ you have 5 hrs of conference calls mid day. How do you discipline? You can ask the grandparents for support but I think that’s the best you are going to get...

Try to discipline the kids?

Thats my dad's point. He said "even if you get them to listen, as soon as you leave they will go back to how they are"

We are not going to ask the grandparents to do more.
My wife said its enough that her mom is cooking lunch and dinner for everyone so we shouldn't ask them to do more.

I'm just concerned with the whole: (I've read people say)
"If you don't break their bad habits now, it will just get worse as they get older"

Isn't that what people say when the kids throw tantrums?
"If you give in then you're teaching them that they just have to throw a tantrum and they get what they want, you have to nip it in the bud"

or when baby's cry - "dont rush over to pick them up because you're just teaching them that they just need to cry to get attention"

I don't know *shrug*

Re: Try to discipline the kids?

Can I ask why you all didn’t just quarantine at home and maybe check in on your dad or have him live with you? Why did you all have to separate?

Try to discipline the kids?

Unless you can be there to discipline you can not fault your wife for having to give the iPad. If not that, what would you suggest she do? What advice do YOU have that is realistic, given the circumstances?

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Even with your added explanations, it just seems like you're overly critical of your wife and even though you pose it as a "what do you think?" scenario, it comes off more like you're asking - who's right and who's wrong? Your wife is probably doing the best she can. The kids will be fine when life goes back to normal.

All 4 yr olds throw tantrums. Obviously it's a habit that can be broken or all of society would be non-functioning. I don't believe you can spoil babies by picking them up too much, that is such an outdated concept. It's always concerning to me when a parent is so strict that emotional outbursts aren't tolerated.

Message edited 5/7/2020 2:42:03 PM.

Try to discipline the kids?

>>Can I ask why you all didn’t just quarantine at home and maybe check in on your dad or have him live with you? Why did you all have to separate?

We live in a 1 bedroom in NYC. Its fine for the weekends when we're all home, but it was too small for the 4 of us when we have to do work during the day. Plus to check on my dad I had to take the subway then bus to get to his house. (we asked if he wanted to go to NJ but he refused)
We could have all gone to his house but its not the cleanest and my daughter's skin isn't the greatest. Her eczema always flairs up when she visits. (my parents bought the house in the early 80s and its never been renovated we never even changed the locks, still has the 70s shag carpet, etc) it doesn't bother me, but I don't want her skin to get worse than it normally is.


>> Unless you can be there to discipline you can not fault your wife for having to give the iPad. If not that, what would you suggest she do? What advice do YOU have that is realistic, given the circumstances?

No idea. I don't know what the best way to discipline them is. I read and hear so many different things I don't know whats the best way.

When I tried to discipline in the past I talk to them and say things like "No tantrums, you say what you want but sometimes you can't get it. If you cry and scream then you definitely don't get anything"
They say "Ok" but they continue to do it. So I don't know.

I don't fault my wife for giving the ipad. I give them the ipad sometimes also, but I don't think its good for them to be on it all day.


>> it comes off more like you're asking - who's right and who's wrong?

Not my intention.
I'm actually just looking for someone to say "Do XYZ and ABC and it'll fix the situation" =/
Like "Super Nanny" or "Dog Whisperer" (I was raised by the tv so I don't want my kids like that) - I know not realistic since every kid is different.
But you all have gone through this and know many people who have also gone through it.
So I think of you all as experts.
You have more experience than my wife and I. She doesn't really have friends with kids and my friend who has kids (older) had a stay at home mom/wife so their situation is different. (the mom can sit next to the kid and make sure they do their school work, etc)


>>I don't believe you can spoil babies by picking them up too much, that is such an outdated concept.

Heck if I know. *shrug*
I read that when my daughter was a baby, and I've seen people here mention it too. We didn't follow it because we enjoyed holding her, but people would always tell us that we weren't supposed to do it.

Message edited 5/7/2020 3:23:23 PM.

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Message edited 5/7/2020 3:28:21 PM.

Re: Try to discipline the kids?

Was your dad alone before all of this? Is he competent to live on his own? Can he eat, toilet and bath on his own? Many of us have elderly parents alone right now. We do FaceTime, instacart, phone calls ect.

You cannot judge anything in your wife’s world if you are not there. Your kids aren’t her parents responsibility. She is in survival mode. Give them iPads, chocolate, movies, whatever just to get through the day.

You want to know how to help? When your wife calls venting say “You know what honey, do what ever you have to do to survive right now, it’s only a blip on the kids radar, We will get them back into shape soon, just take care of you. You are a doing a great job” encourage and support her, be strong and positive for her. Much of the time, that’s all us wives really want from you.

Find a way to be with your family, your absence may be stressing your kids and wife even more than your dad being along would stress him.

Try to discipline the kids?

Every state has daycare for essential workers
Only other choice is that

I totally agree with pp - be supportive
What more can your wife do

Honestly she is doing a lot more for the family as she has the kids and trying to do the best she can

I have two and they drive me crazy, thank god I am not working when I have them. My husband does take care of them completely when I am at work

If the woman is expected to bring in money and support the family then
The spouse needs to up the game and help with everything as
Gender roles do not apply in the family

And even if they did , u had a traditional set up family with one person male / female working - kids are a totally different ball game and both should be helping.

Message edited 5/7/2020 4:43:15 PM.

Re: Try to discipline the kids?

You need to be there to help with the kids. She cannot possibly work and manage 2 young children. Her parents aren’t providing child care - which you pointed out is fine - but then you need to be there.

I think you need to be with your family and let your dad manage on his own, which you point out he did before this. If he’s lonely, buy him an iPad and FaceTime/zoom. Your priority needs to be your family and your wife sounds like she’s drowning, while you criticize from afar.

Try to discipline the kids?

>>Was your dad alone before all of this? Is he competent to live on his own?

My mom went out of the country in Jan and is unable to come back due to the covid situation. He is "able" but...well here is a conversation from Feb:
me - what have you been eating?
dad - slice of plain bread for breakfast and ramen for lunch and dinner
me - why not better food?
dad - I don't have groceries / I dont know how to cook

dad - how do you do laundry?
me - you haven't done it? ok, I'll come by over the weekend and help you with it

I'm NOT saying how he is, is acceptable. But, family is family. What can you do.

I've been getting groceries and preparing lunch and dinner while I've been here. Nothing fancy, just ground turkey and frozen veggies basically.
Cold cuts sometimes, etc.

Message edited 5/7/2020 5:33:57 PM.

Try to discipline the kids?

(pre covid) I try to help out on the weekends more because I have to travel for work sunday night through thursday night.

So on saturday and sunday I try to take the kids out so she can relax at home.
I also try and handle things that I can do from outside NYC, like plan the kids' birthday party (when we did have it) and plan the party favors and buy stuff (bring it back in my luggage) like kids clothes, shoes, etc.. so we dont have to spend time shopping on weekends.
Find doctors, setup appointments, etc
Research schools (my son was getting EI), etc...

Message edited 5/7/2020 6:09:38 PM.

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How old is your father? You don’t get the luxury of being away and telling your wife she is doning a bad job. Frankly, you are a terrible spouse. Yes, it’s nice to care for your father, but at what expense? Your wife and children are suffering, and you come across as out of touch and uncaring.

Re: Try to discipline the kids?

So it sounds like you never really see your wife much so this arrangement is not abnormal for you guys.
God bless you living in a 1 bedroom apt with kids. I can barely live in a 3 bedroom with kids lol.

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Try to discipline the kids?

Omg!! You guys are always so Unecessarily hard on this guy and his posts! From the face of it it just sounds like he is asking about the future repurcussions of letting his kids be less disciplined now. OP
I can understand your concern and you are right, in an idea
Situation you would not let your kids roam free right now but with two
Working parents in a pandemic everyone is in survival mode . Try not to add to your stress , if they are otherwise happy and doing ok, you can fix the behavior issues when things get back to normal. I do agree though that your wife has added stress compared to yoh right now so be extra supportive and understanding and tell her she's doing great !

Ps are the kids doing remote learning? Who is helping with that?