UPDATED-I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)**more info on page 2**

For the last few years I have had to see my MIL for every holiday. Not that we spend it at her home, instead she always spends it with DH and my side of the family.

I am tired of having to see her for every holiday. I do not like her. It's the truth. I find her annoying. She adds nothing of value to a family get together. She's not that friendly, not funny, not social - instead she sits there either looking sad bc she's not spending the holiday with her sister or she's yawning bc she's tired/bored.

My mom doesn't like her but tells DH to invite his mom bc she really loves DH and so she does it for him. And, when MIL comes over fro a holiday she will spend the night too as if NYC was that far! It's annoying.

It's been 8 years of marriage and i'm so done with this arrangement. Problem is that if DH invites his mom, she will automatically come bc she will jump off a bridge if he tells her to. Whatever he says, she'll do. She can't even order for herself in a restaurant or for take-out, she tells DH to pick for her

DH asked my mom yesterday to cook Thanksgiving dinner bc she makes an awesome spread. Then DH suggested that we (including 13 month old DS) spend the night bc he took off that Friday. He said it'd be great and DS and they would enjoy it. I'm thinking this is wonderful and thoughful of DH.

Then, my mom says to DH, are you going to see if your mom wants to come, he says "i guess so." Now it's ruined! I'm just peeved and annoyed that it won't be just us. Call me selfish but i just don;t want her there. She was at my family thanksgiving 2 yrs ago and it was obvious to everyone that she didn't really want to be there.

I don't want to hurt DH's feelings but i'm tired of this - it will be the same for CHristmas, she'll come and spend the day at MY parents house with us. (BTW, we live 1 mile from my parents)

How do I handle this? Am i just wrong? Honest opinons requested.

Message edited 11/5/2010 9:55:41 PM.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Maybe suggest to DH that he doesnt ask her this time because you get the feeling like maybe she only comes because she feels she has to in order to make your DH happy.

Tell him that maybe just this holiday (in order to see how she reacts) dont invite her, see if maybe she would prefer to spend it with friends or other family members.

He knows she can always come with you guys if, 2 days before she still hasnt made plans....

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Honestly? I'm gonna say grin and bear it. Holidays are all about family; I mean it's not like the woman is in your face 24/7. And I'd be hard-pressed to find a way to get DH on board for your preference, I mean it's his MOM and he seems to get along with her. It's your DS's grandmother - how is it fair to have time with your family and not DH's, kwim???

I guess the relationship is "difficult" from what you describe, but honestly, I never had any grandparents, and your DS deserves time with all of his. I don't think it's necessary to cause a divide over holidays unless there were MAJOR family issues... What if you host, that way you'll be so busy entertaining your guests that MIL can't really get to you??? If she's bored that's on HER, it's not your responsibility to ensure a guest is having fun, kwim?

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

I agree with PP-- grin and bear it. She doesn't sound like a terrible person who ruins the holidays--just like she's not all that much fun. Is she happy generally? Does she have other family? If she wasn't with you, would she be alone? If so, I think that's pretty sad and she should be with you on the holidays. You are her family. Unless she's hurting people and being mean at these gatherings, I think you just have to grin and bear it. You can (and i'm sure do) get together with your side of the family alone at other times. But holiday is about family being together.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

I agree with the others. Holidays are about being with family. I think it's nice that she can come with your side that way you don't have to split the time.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Honestly? I think you are wrong. She is spending the time with your family. If she doesn't seem to be enjoying herself, thats her issue, not yours. If she was insisting you spend all the holidays with her and and not see your family at all, I could understand why you would be upset. But in this situation, I think you just need to deal with it.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

I totally get what you're saying BUT u have a ds. Imagine down the line when it is the holidays and u want to see your ds and grankids but your daughter in law rather not have u there. I have 2 ds' and I think about that a lot. I want to be close to them and their families but most wives don't take well to that. It makes think of my MIL differently (she has 3 ds').

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

She isn't spending time with YOUR family, she is spending time with HER family - her son, his wife & her grandson.

I don't see why sucking it up & making small talk about 4-5 times a year would be a big deal. I'd say to ask DH if she's truly enjoying herself or if she wants to be with her sister but I think it will come off as you trying to get out of having her.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Message edited 11/5/2010 3:58:18 PM.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

You're wrong.
She is your DH's mother. How would you feel if he said these things about your mother? It's the holidays. So what if she spends EVERY holiday with you and HER son. Holidays are about family.

ETA: has she done anything to YOU personally? Has she ever disrespected you? Is it because she looks sad? Maybe she is sad. The holidays can do that to lonely people, especially those with NO family. You have a son. You will be a MIL one day. Hopefully your DIL thinks differently about you. I just don't understand why so many DIL's can't stand their MIL's

Message edited 11/5/2010 4:15:12 PM.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

I understand not wanting to be around her.

But really, she is your dh's mother. She is with her family. DH's mother has zero interest in even calling us on holidays...what a gift to your boy to be around both sides of the family on holidays.

your mom sounds like a gem for putting the invite out there.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by pnbplus1
If it was only 4-5 times per year, but add to that that i have to see her every other weekend for 6 hours each time and it gets tiring.
.

Ah see there are other issues at play. All day twice a month does seem like a lot.

My grandmother came over EVERY Sunday & I still recall my mom complaining about it. What always amazed me is that my dad would head off to work on his boat & my mom would take my grandmother shopping on the weekends so they weren't sitting around the house all day. Then we would hear my grandmother tell all of our other relatives that all my mom does is shop... You just can't win.

Honestly, suck it up for the holidays & then have DH & DS hang with grandma while you get some time to yourself! I bet he starts scaling back the 6 hour stint.

Message edited 11/5/2010 4:17:53 PM.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Look at it this way - at least you don't have to split the holidays or drive around like crazy loons to make sure you see both sides. If she wants to sit and sulk - let her. At the end of the day you can put your head on the pillow and know you did the right thing for your husband and your son.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

I think you really need to do some serious "reframing" of the situation. You would be wrong not to include her. So you need to relax and stop being so negative about it. Make a game in your head of how many times she'll yawn. Find humor in how predictable her behavior is. Do whatever you need to that will make it fun to observe instead of getting you all uptight. It sounds like she doesn't disrupt anything, so seriously lighten up about it. There is a reason Saturday Night Live has the Debbie Downer skit. It can be funny.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Well I can see why it bothers you, honestly. It's hard when one person sulks and brings down the whole mood of the holiday. We've experienced it and it DOES make you feel like you don't want that person there and people do feel uncomfortable with it.

But, I do also agree that you should look at the positive aspects instead of all the negative.

First, your DS HAS both of his grandmothers, which not everyone does. What a blessing!

Second, your MIL WANTS to hang out with her son, grandson and DIL. Not every MIL wants to.

Third, your MIL likes you and your family - if she didn't, she wouldn't spend every holiday with you, despite her attitude while she's there. Not every MIL likes their DIL, much less her family too.

Fourth, you don't have to run around on each holiday OR split holidays between families. Enough said, that's HUGE!

I'm sure there's more positives, but the bottom line is, yes it sucks that she puts on a face, has an attitude or whatever. But that's on HER, you and your family can choose to get absorbed by it, feeling annoyed, bothered, letting her bring you down... or you can let her be, and go on about your holiday as if she wasn't sitting there with a pusss on her face. I suggest you choose the latter It will probably feel like a big relief if/when you do.

Good luck!!!

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

From what you have written she doesn't seem like a bad person at all. Maybe she's not as entertaining or exciting as you would like but she is still your husband's mother and your post really makes me sad for her.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Ok I am going to ask another questions....are you ever invited to her house or to do something with her and is YOUR family invited then (like your mom dad etc).

All I am saying is I understand what you are saying to a point. If there are times where you visit your MIL and HER family without YOUR family then I would be peeved with the arrangement as well.

Just thought I would ask.

Like sometimes you want to spend the holidays split and I dont think there is anything wrong with that

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

You're wrong in my opinion.

Maybe its time for you to go spend the holidays with dh's family. That way your mil won't be bored. Maybe your mom would like to tag along. Ask her how she would feel? Why not consider your mil's point of view. Its sounds like she is doing the best she can dealing with this situation.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

I also think you're being a little harsh... Sorry.

Re: I'm tired of spending every holiday with my MIL (LONG)

Does DH have other siblings? What does his side of the family do for holidays if your MIL tags along with you?

If she doesnt want to come or makes it seem obvious than DH should talk to her about it. I kind of see your point. You would also like to spend some holidays alone with your family and not have her tag along BUT if DH and MIL have no other family I think it would be nice if you continue to include her.