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Stefanie
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Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
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Stefanie
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
First of all, I agree with Barb on all points.
I was in this situation. I found out I was having another boy and I was upset. But I got over it. Shame on me for having hormonal feelings and reacting a certain way.
I didn't know we had to react a specific way when we found out something and were slightly disappointed.
I would't say anything to the friend. These are her feelings and in time, she will get over them.
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Posted 8/10/08 8:44 AM  |
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by QuoteTheRaven424
My biggest pet peeve, and this may be for another topic and probably not on this board - is when people going through IF, finally get PG, and then have a gender preference. That baffles me. If you had a boy, and were disappointed a bit on the second one that it wasn't a girl - I can see that.
But when someone does IVF or an IUI and gets PG after a lengthy struggle, and turns around and has a preference - that is mind boggling to me. They're not wrong for their feelings - but from where I sit, that's just crazy.
Why should someone who struggled for a baby have any less right to gender preference?
If my SIL, who still struggles with IF after having my nephew stillborn, preferred a girl so as not to have a reminder of Nicholas, or preferred a boy to have that reminder of Nicholas, who am I to say it's wrong?
Granted we all wish for a healthy baby, but having struggled with IF does not negate having a wish for a daughter to bond with or a son to play baseball wish (not saying a girl can't play baseball or you can't have a bond with your son).
I have several friends that struggle with secondary IF. Should we say to them "You shouldn't be upset over this - you should be grateful you have a son?" I know one friend that wished for another boy for their son so they could be brothers. When she had a girl after 5 years of IF treatments, she was a little disappointed. But now that she has 2 more girls in her son's life, she sees now the bond brothers & sisters can have. Wishing for something does not equate with being ungrateful for what you have.
I don't think you fully understand my position.
Let me clarify.
Obviously there are special circumstances in every case.
In the case of a lost child or late miscarriage, I can totally understand a feeling of a gender preference on the next one, so that it is not a reminder. Not saying I agree with it, but I understand how that may be.
Same with secondary IF - you have one gender already, you may prefer the other gender on the second one. I can understand that as well, and can see having brief disappointment.
What I am talking about is people, suffering from IF, that have had no late miscarriages, no lost children, and this is their FIRST child altogether. In those cases, it baffles me when they have a gender preference. And when I hear it/read it - I shake my head
Message edited 8/10/2008 8:59:29 AM.
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| Posted 8/10/08 8:56 AM |
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Gatsbygirl
Please St. Therese....
Member since 10/07 8494 total posts
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
Posted by maybebaby
I already posted about this topic but I just don't understand something..
What gives anyone the right to be DEVESTATED over a healthy baby??? Boy or girl?? That sickens me. I don't care if I am being "judgmental" I think people act ridiculous over the gender thing (not all people but people who cry and are so upset over it..).
I do agree that everyone goes through their "thing" that is hard for them or an issue for them and not someone else BUT I feel gender is a separate issue.
I would hope the child would never know later in life how his or her mom were "devestated" by the initial thought of them. Sickening.
People have the RIGHT to be devastated over anything they feel like. These are an individual's feelings and they are entitled to them and cleary heave some reason for having them. Yes you are being judgemental. Do you have a right to judge, but this mom doesn't have a right to be uspet over the gender?
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| Posted 8/10/08 9:07 AM |
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
Posted by Gatsbygirl
Posted by maybebaby
I already posted about this topic but I just don't understand something..
What gives anyone the right to be DEVESTATED over a healthy baby??? Boy or girl?? That sickens me. I don't care if I am being "judgmental" I think people act ridiculous over the gender thing (not all people but people who cry and are so upset over it..).
I do agree that everyone goes through their "thing" that is hard for them or an issue for them and not someone else BUT I feel gender is a separate issue.
I would hope the child would never know later in life how his or her mom were "devestated" by the initial thought of them. Sickening.
People have the RIGHT to be devastated over anything they feel like. These are an individual's feelings and they are entitled to them and cleary heave some reason for having them. Yes you are being judgemental. Do you have a right to judge, but this mom doesn't have a right to be uspet over the gender?
ITA. You don't know this person. They might not see the word devestated as drastic as you. Some people are devestated over a lot less.
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| Posted 8/10/08 9:12 AM |
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jules
Changing everyday
Member since 1/08 2281 total posts
Name:
julia
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
[QUOTE ]Posted by maybebaby
I would hope the child would never know later in life how his or her mom were "devestated" by the initial thought of them. Sickening.
Honestly it isn't a big deal. Not sickening at all.
I have 2 sisters, I know my father really hoped and wanted a boy. I know when I was born he was disappointed I was a girl.
What I do know is that he loves me more than life itself and is and always has been the best dad.
I also know that when I got PG his hopes of me having a boy were high. But either way he loved me and my sisters just the same and I couldn't have asked for more.
And I really do not think that this person is sickened by their child
My cousin Georgette, the 5th daughter for my uncle who also knew her dad George soo wanted a boy, felt more special since she is named after her dad.
The child will be loved and just fine.
Message edited 8/10/2008 10:40:11 AM.
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| Posted 8/10/08 10:37 AM |
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lovemy2boys
LIF Adult
Member since 10/07 3915 total posts
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
Posted by Luv2bAmom
If she was a very good friend of mine I would try to make her feel better and try to understand what she may be going thru, everyone has different expectations for themselves and their lives and maybe its hard for her to not have her vision of having a girl become a reality.
ITA with this. I'm sure she is upset knowing she will never have a mother-daughter bond.
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| Posted 8/10/08 10:43 AM |
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jules
Changing everyday
Member since 1/08 2281 total posts
Name:
julia
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
IMO it is a sad day when a friend turns to you for comfort and support, no matter what issue it is, and find intolerance and judgement.
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| Posted 8/10/08 10:44 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
Posted by Gatsbygirl
Posted by maybebaby
I already posted about this topic but I just don't understand something..
What gives anyone the right to be DEVESTATED over a healthy baby??? Boy or girl?? That sickens me. I don't care if I am being "judgmental" I think people act ridiculous over the gender thing (not all people but people who cry and are so upset over it..).
I do agree that everyone goes through their "thing" that is hard for them or an issue for them and not someone else BUT I feel gender is a separate issue.
I would hope the child would never know later in life how his or her mom were "devestated" by the initial thought of them. Sickening.
People have the RIGHT to be devastated over anything they feel like. These are an individual's feelings and they are entitled to them and cleary heave some reason for having them. Yes you are being judgemental. Do you have a right to judge, but this mom doesn't have a right to be uspet over the gender?
SOME initial upset as opposed to devestation (that was the word used and I guess my definition may be diff. than others) is different!
And what I wrote is MY opinion that I am entitled to. If someone wants to feel that badly over the gender, fine! It's their life and their baby. But if it were MY friend as asked in the initial question, I could not support and understand devestation. I couldn't offer kind words outside of "you'll love your baby and it won't matter"..I would of course say kind things initially but if the person was acting awfully about it, I couldn't do it.
DH has a cousin who acted terribly upon learning he was having a second girl. You would have thought the world ended. He was mad at his wife (like its her fault), mad at the world...instead of looking at the amazing things to come, and knowing how he loved his first daughter we all had to hear for 2 months about how upset he was. Sorry, but I can't be supportive of that. I guess this is something I feel strongly about and I was just answering the question honestly and giving my thoughts.
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| Posted 8/10/08 11:10 AM |
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ckone
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 3014 total posts
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
I agree with the statement of reminding them that babies are beautiful and precious no matter what. Remind her that pregnancy and children are blessings and as soon as she looks that baby in the eyes - she will not be happier than that moment.
I know it's hard to think that people can feel this way but....sometimes people have certain expectations for their lives. I could care less as long as the baby is healthy but just be a friend and listen. Maybe make it exciting by bringing up the fun things they can buy, etc.
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| Posted 8/10/08 10:24 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
I haven't read the whole post, and I don't understand from the OP if she found out she is having a boy, or gave birth to a boy.
But what I would do is remind her how beautiful her baby is and how blessed she is to have a wonderful, healthy son/daughter.
I have had two friends be disappointed with the sex of their second children when they found out (at the 20 week sonogram). I didn't judge any of them and of course, they quickly got over it and are both very happy with the healthy children they have.
But feelings are feelings, and I can't judge someone for feeling disappointed. If they translated that disappointment to their treatment of their children, that would be something else.
But feelings are feelings. Better to feel them, get them out and move on.
Message edited 8/10/2008 10:33:02 PM.
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| Posted 8/10/08 10:32 PM |
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karacg
Babygirl is 4!
Member since 5/05 17076 total posts
Name:
Kara®
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
Posted by Eireann
In my mind I might question their use of the term "devastated," but I would never tell someone what she should do or how she should feel. Her feelings are hers--I would just be there to listen.
I agree -- and I have been through IF and have plenty of friends struggling with it.
That does not mean you can judge your friend's feelings.
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| Posted 8/10/08 11:11 PM |
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MommyCorinne
LIF Toddler
Member since 10/07 405 total posts
Name:
Corinne
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Re: what are your thoughts on someone who is upset that their 2nd child is not the sex they wanted.
Ill be flat out honest here and some of you may call me ungrateful. But when I found out that this baby was another boy, i bawled my eyes out off and on for almost a week. In my heart I felt I was carrying the little girl inside me that I always dreamed of having. The second they told me boy at the sono, I had the image of this little girly tea set crashing down around me. My entire life I always pictures myself as a mommy to girls, and now I will have 2 boys. With my first son, I was in no way disappointed, I always knew that we would have one more child and I still had the chance to have a girl. To know this is most likely our last baby and we never had a girl still tears me down inside. Ill never be the mother of the bride. Ill never put a little tutu on my little girl and sit in the wings and cry bc Im so happy. But I will sit on the bleachers and cheer for my boys as they play their sports. Ill kiss a million bruises and a million more tears away. Just bc I didnt have my girl doesnt make me love or care about my boys any less. The fact that I can have healthy babies is of course the most wonderful thing in the world. Of course that is my number one priority. We are all human. When we dont get what we want, it will always upset us. Am I ungrateful.. absolutly not. I LOVE my boys! Would I love my girl more if I had had one.. absolutly NOT. These are feelings and everyone is entitled to have feelings.
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| Posted 8/10/08 11:43 PM |
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