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Funkybutt
LIF Adult
Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
Name:
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What to do with problem teen?
My friend, A, has a 16 year old daughter, K, that is really difficult. My friend has been a single mom since K was 2 years old. The dad was involved but moved 4 states away and has a new family so he doesn't see K very often.
K regularly fights with A - like abusive fights..... throws stuff, scratches her mom, breaks large appliances, etc. And it's mainly when she doesn't get her way. I don't think she has mental issues - I think she's just spoiled rotten and her mom now knows that catering to her every need growing up (out of guilt for the divorce) has caused this.
K was arrested for shoplifting 2 years ago, she steals the car, she stole her mom's credit cards, etc.
K says that she has abandonment issues stemming from her dad, but her behavior is out of control.
This past weekend, A's mom passed away in another state and b/c of Covid, she left K with one of K's friends. When A got home, she found that K had thrown (literally) everything in the living room into A's room - including breaking her laptop. A was really mad and K went to stay with another friend, but she lied to the mom and said that she was just trying to straighten up so her mom wouldn't have to worry about a "mess" when she got home.
Last night A had a mental breakdown. She wasn't bad enough to harm herself so she didn't go to the hospital, but she's desperate for relief. K's dad doesn't want her and A doesn't have family that's local. Honestly, no one wants K in their home b/c she's so awful. My friend is just counting down the days until her daughter graduates (next Spring) so she can kick her out, but I doubt her daughter will move out b/c she doesn't want to do anything (refuses to get a job, doesn't have good grades - although she could go to community college, etc).
I have no idea how to help A. K has been in therapy for over 3 years and clearly it's not working. The therapist said it's all abandonment issues and not anything like autism or ADHD.
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Posted 4/27/21 5:09 PM  |
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b2b777
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 4474 total posts
Name:
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What to do with problem teen?
If K is still a child, lives under A's roof, and doesnt have a job (so no money) where is she getting privileges from -- aka cell phone, $ for going out with friends, clothes, etc? Can't A remove privilege's (especially phone) for this type of behavior which tends to be effective? Also, are they going to any kind of therapy? Seems severe to plan to cut off your child after HS without exploring that first. Sounds like there is more going on here.
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| Posted 4/27/21 6:51 PM |
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StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!
Member since 6/10 21539 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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Re: What to do with problem teen?
Have they tried therapy together?
It seems like K is really mad at A. Or is looking for attention. I know it must be hard for A but it also sounds like she "checked out" and K may feel really upset about it.
FYI - I know everyone is different, but my dad left when I was 2 1/2 and I never reacted or acted like this. I feel like K is using that as an excuse rather than deal with the real issue which is her anger towards her mom.
A lot to unpack here.
Message edited 4/27/2021 7:07:37 PM.
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| Posted 4/27/21 7:07 PM |
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Funkybutt
LIF Adult
Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
Name:
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Re: What to do with problem teen?
Posted by StaceyWill
FYI - I know everyone is different, but my dad left when I was 2 1/2 and I never reacted or acted like this. I feel like K is using that as an excuse rather than deal with the real issue which is her anger towards her mom.
A lot to unpack here.
Yup - I think the same thing. At 16, she should be taking responsibility for her own actions.
K is the one in weekly therapy but her mom does sit in occasionally for therapy together. It just seems like no matter what's agreed upon in therapy, that K will go back to doing whatever she wants.
I think K definitely wants attention, and I know negative attention is still attention, but she just plain sucks. A lot of her friends don't want to be friends with her anymore, her parents are tired of dealing with her crap, and no amount of reasoning with her has worked.
As far as privileges, she steals money from her mom and steals other things and sells them. Her mom gives her an allowance, but frankly, she's scared of her daughter and usually just gives in to it all b/c she's violent when she doesn't get her way. I've told A to stand her ground and she says she will, then the next thing I know, she's leaving in a hurry b/c her daughter wants A to bring her food (instead of making something at home). For the internet and the phone - her daughter will get violent when it's taken away (breaking things, etc). When my friend does turn off the internet, K will walk to the clubhouse for internet and tell her friend's mom that she's being abused and they take her in for a few days. A has gotten CPS called on her b/c of K's lies about what's going on.
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| Posted 4/27/21 7:25 PM |
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BFNY516
LIF Adult
Member since 7/20 1189 total posts
Name:
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What to do with problem teen?
I’d change therapists. Sounds like It could be oppositional defiant disorder.
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| Posted 4/28/21 1:46 AM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19458 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: What to do with problem teen?
She needs in patient therapy. When she has her next melt down call for an ambulance and have her admitted for a three day psych hold. The mom needs the pediatrician and therapist on board beforehand. They need to be called and she needs to be involuntarily held. At the third day the mom needs to say I am not willing to take her home and she needs in placement help. From there she needs a family lawyer who can help her navigate the system. Alternatively, she can speak with the therapist and have the ambulance meet at the doctor's office. She can say via an attorney that she is relinquishing parental rights to the state once the child is in patient. Then move and cut contact if it is that bad. Or emancipated her.
Message edited 4/28/2021 3:07:13 AM.
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| Posted 4/28/21 3:00 AM |
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nycbuslady
LIF Adult
Member since 9/15 1066 total posts
Name:
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Re: What to do with problem teen?
Posted by LSP2005
She can say via an attorney that she is relinquishing parental rights to the state once the child is in patient. Then move and cut contact if it is that bad. Or emancipated her.
This makes me sad. I hope no parent ever has to do this.
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| Posted 4/29/21 12:38 PM |
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Funkybutt
LIF Adult
Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
Name:
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Re: What to do with problem teen?
Posted by nycbuslady
Posted by LSP2005
She can say via an attorney that she is relinquishing parental rights to the state once the child is in patient. Then move and cut contact if it is that bad. Or emancipated her.
This makes me sad. I hope no parent ever has to do this.
Yeah, I don't think she wants to kick her daughter out permanently. She still loves her, she just can't handle her anymore. She's planning on letting K know that she can't stay after K graduates next spring. I told her to start laying that ground work now so K isn't surprised at the last minute and has time to plan what she's going to do.
Her ex agreed to take K for a couple of weeks and I suggested that A uses the time to figure out what she needs to get thru the next year.
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| Posted 4/29/21 2:28 PM |
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