Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

DH & I both work. i leave earlier than her does and get home about an hour earlier. we are having very strong disagreements about how to split the workload in the house. It is a bit difficult for us because we do not have a dishwasher or washer/dryer, so those chores are particularly time consuming.

Basically, I get up while DH and DD are still snoozing. I make DD's morning bottle, the coffee and then get ready for work. Some days I dress DD for daycare.

Then I go to work. My commute is about 30-40 minutes.DH gets ready after I leave and drops DD off at daycare.

I come home around 3:30 after doing the daily grocery shopping. We used to use Fresh Direct, but DH now says it is a "waste." I put the stuff away and sit on the couch for about 30 minutes, eat occasionally and then pick up DD from daycare.

I get home, clean out her lunch bag, prepare her food and bottles for the next day, replenish any bedding, clothes etc that she needs for daycare and then I feed her dinner. After that I give her a bath, bottle and rock her to sleep.

I cook 4-5 nights per week.

DH does the dishes about every other day. he puts them away in a random pattern in the cabinets. I had to put post-it notes in the cabinets labeling where everything goes...meanwhile, when I open the cabinet, everything tends to fall out (the little things...bottles, etc.)

The laundry tends to pile up for weeks.

We were using a laundry service. A laundromat opened up around the corner form us and I did a coiuple of washes one weekend. DH npw refuses to send the wash out. He thinks I should do a load of laundry a day when I get home from work.

I am at the end of my rope. I feel like he is being lazy and slightly sadistic. I flipped out on him today and threw a box of pasta at his head. Not the best behavior, I know. I regret doing that.

Please, I just need some advice. Am I being lazy? That is what he tells me. He says I am lazy and all I do is complain. I am not exaggerating about my daily routine, if anything, I have left some stuff out.

I feel like crying, I am so stressed out. I have lost about 15 pounds since I went back to work 6 weeks ago.

Please don't quote...I will probably take this down...

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

I totally understand what you are feeling. My DH seems to think that the maid comes in during the day to do all the housework while I am working...he really doesn't help all that much and doesn't understand why it bothers me so much. I do all the cooking, all the laundry, all the cleaning, and all the prepping for the next day. I do leave about an hour after him in the morning and get home 1-2 hours before him, but a little help would make me much happier!
I don't have a lot of advice, as I am struggling with the same issues. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only person who can't seem to balance this part of their life!

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

I agree with you. I do not think you are being lazy at all!

To give you some perspective let me tell you how it works at my house. I work from home so its a bit different but I do mostly all the baby care-getting them dressed, feeding, baths(he helps me get them in and out simply for logistics and safety-he will also get one of them into pajamas about 3-4 times a week)

He vaccuums, picks up, etc pretty much every day.

I do laundry and dishes(I have a washer and dryer and dishwasherin my house)

He usually takes the garbage to the curb but we both take it out to the can. We have a landscaper.

I think you guys need to sit down and write a list of every "task" even baby care and the spproximate time it takes to do each one. And then split it up equitably. Also maybe you guys can let the dishes slide for one night or have one laundry day and split it.

Honestly I always thought it cost the same to send it out or buy the detergent, pay for the machines and do all that work! Time is something you have to consider. Even if it is a couple of dollars more isn't the time saved worth it?

Also you can always pull out my ace in the hole-Oh you think thats a waste? Good thing I have my own job and my own money. I will take care of sending out mine and baby's laundry and YOU can do a load every day after work

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

DH and I both work long hours. DH works about 80 hours a week and I work about 50-60. I don't do any housework. My mom watches DS full-time. She does the laundry/dishes too. I never asked her to do the dishes but she is the type of person who can't let dirty dishes and laundry pile up. Then we have a housekeeper to come clean the house once a week. If I didn't have my mom, I would have hired a nanny do the same.

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

Dh is home during the day with the girls and he goes to work when I get home. We both do our equal share of things. We don't let laundry pile up...one of us does a load every day or 2. Meals are made on the weekend and heated up or thawed out throughout the week. The real house cleaning gets done on the weekends (ie bathroom ,vacuuming, dusting, etc.) We just try to neaten up the house throughout the week. We stay on top of dishes so that's not really a problem.

I think we just found our groove without much discussion. If it didn't work out this way though, we would have had to come to an agreement about who would do what---that's only fair when both parents work equally.

ETA: you are not being lazy at all!!

Message edited 10/5/2009 8:34:56 PM.

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

I totally don't think you're being lazy. Have you thought about shopping on a weekly basis instead of daily? It might give you an hour to yourself a day to just relax after work.

DH and I used to leave and come home together. In the evenings, I will feed the kids dinner (leftovers from night before) while DH takes the dog out. After the kids eat and play for a little while, DH will take them up for a shower/pjs while I start our dinner. I go up, read a story and tuck them in and come down to finish dinner. After DH gives the shower he's usually on his laptop until it's time to eat. After we eat, we both usually watch TV in different rooms.

Honestly I don't do much real housework during the week. I just don't feel like it after a long day at work. On the weekends, I get up early while DH is home and will do most of the cleaning Sat morning. If DH doesn't have to go to the office, we'll do something as a family the rest of the day. On Sundays, I do laundry (DH does his own), plan meals for the week and then go grocery shopping.

DH really doesn't clean, he takes the garbage out and takes care of the dog. I refuse to do either, since I do everything else. He does do the vacuuming most of the time (I consider that as part of cleaning up after the dog).

I wish he did more around the house, but it just doesn't happen. I guess I'm OK with it bc he usually doesn't do it as well as I would like. As long as he keeps the kids occupied so I can get it done, I'm OK.

ETA: When my kids were infants, DH washed the bottles for the next day. It was small but it totally helped.

I think you need to really talk to him and tell him how overwhelmed you are. Don't approach it from the standpoint about what he's not doing. But tell him how you are feeling and ask him to help you out with one or two things that you do regularly. It took me a couple of tries to get through to my DH but he finally heard me.

Good luck

Message edited 10/5/2009 8:49:33 PM.

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

I just took on a lot more work and I know how your feeling. I settled things in a very immature way by nearly having a nervous breakdown. MY dh actually told me to quit, rather thanmake him do house work. But fact is, I have to work and I can't spend every waking minute working my butt off while he hangs out on the couch. He has stepped up to the plate this week. He is taking over some of the laundry...towels and sheets, does the dishes everynight, helps clean up, and takes care of dog. We now have a cleaning lady every other week. I have never done my dh's laundry even when I was working minimally.

We are still having a hard time with it and I feel like I am working constantly at my new job with little time for my kids. (its only been 2 weeks.)

I cook 4-5 nights a week and do most of the food shopping, do all my and the kids laundry and taking care of our kids for the most part inc homework and packing lunch, dressing my 2 yr old and arguing with my 5 yr old about socks, bathing etc. My dh is the fun parent who spends ltime with the kids but gets little done with them. My dh helps my 5 yr old who is completely self sufficient get into his jammis everynight.

Message edited 10/5/2009 9:33:47 PM.

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

Today I typed up a Chore list for DH and I. I am sooo fed up living in a messy house! And I am soo exhausted. DH helps out A LOT BUT he always has to be told to do something. He never initiates on his own. I made a list for M-F and typed up a list and we agreed that by the end of the week they would all be done. Any left over chore would be done on the weekend. In the morning, DH is great at getting DD dressed and fed while I get ready for work. It;'s pretty much a routine now.

If I were you, I would make a list of all of your chores and divide it bw the two of you and also, re-consider doing the laundry service.

For me, as lazy as it seems, I switched from powdered formula to RTF. It cost a little more but totally worth it! Time saver for me. GL! YOu're not alone!

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

I don't think you're being lazy or selfish at all!!! It sounds like you're doing alot. I'm not sure how much your DH is or is not doing, but even if he is helping, the fact is that there just are not enough hours in the day to do all the things you are trying to do, and still remain sane. I say go back to the laundry service, and the grocery delivery. OR, leave him home with DC on Saturdays while you get out and do the laundry and grocery shopping. Doing it every day just seems like an awful waste of resources. It sounds like all he does is dishes every other day, and that is bunk!!

Over here, DH and I pretty much work on opposite days. During the week when he works, I do pretty much everything. He will pitch in when I haven't gotten something done, like washing bottles, or loading/unloading the dishwasher. On the weekends, he is with the kids and that is about all he does. He doesn't cook, doesn't clean a whole lot, and basically just "maintains" the kids. Even when I come home after working 13 hours on a Saturday morning, if he is going out with the girls, he asks me to dress them and do DD's hair. I too feel totally overwhelmed. I asked him 3x last night to help me clean up, and reorganize the playroom so it would work better, and he totally ignored me. The only help I got was when I was moving furniture in DD's room. When I finally fell into bed, totally exhausted, he offered to get up with the baby during the night to feed her. I guess that was a help. He keeps telling me to take it easy, don't do so much, relax, etc. I guess he thinks the House Fairy is going to come in and take care of stuff around here.

So, I totally feel your pain. The only difference over here is that my DH isn't telling me to do more. He keeps telling me to do less, and to find ways to make life easier for me.

If I were you, since you also work FT, I'd either stop doing so much, and/or make arrangements for services to help you.

I hope you feel better soon.

ETA: I like the idea of the chore list. Make a list of everything that needs doing, and go to him and ask him what he wants to do. Then the ball is in his court.

Message edited 10/6/2009 9:23:36 AM.

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

Basically, I do all the inside work and DH does all the outside work.

DH vacuums if I ask him to. He empties the trash and the dishwasher. He has never clean a toilet bowl and doesn't dust. I'm too much of a control freak to let him fold laundry.

I say I probably do more around the house than he does, but it's not him being lazy-it's me being a control freak and feeling like he won't do it to my standards.

I want to hire a cleaning service-but neither of us is willing to spend the money yet. When DS arrives, that may change.

In any case, I don't think you are lazy at all and I think your DH needs to back off.

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

It sounds like you are doing A LOT which is what tends to happen with mommys.

DH is good about certain things and we have arranged a "system" however I feel like I do a boatload of the work. We were just saying that the hrs of 6:30 - 8:00 am and 5:30 - 8 pm are CHAOTIC

The things that we do to help our sanity:

1. Cleaning person every 2 weeks--this way the big things are done...I keep up with the cleaning during the intervals

2. We SEND OUT OUR laundry!! I do the kids laundry--I tend to do a little during the week at a time so my saturdsays are not ruined

3. BULK food shopping on the weekend and DH picks up veggies/fresh fish for dinner

4. DH does help with dinner--Maybe your DH could pitch in here and there on this one

5. I get the kids clothes ready for school the night before so my mornings are less crazy--DH has NEVER dressed the kids for school and I HOPE he never does!!

I honestly am non-stop from 6:30 am to 9:30 pm. Its a crazy life

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

Message edited 6/2/2010 12:20:38 PM.

Re: Working Moms: How do you and DH deal with the household chores?

it is very frustrating! i think every couple goes through this!!! i talk to my sister in law and we always lament the fact that we always have too many things to do, not enough time!

anyhow, you are not being lazy!!! i think it is easy to pass the buck on the other person and say that they are lazy- i think its out of frustration.
you are doing the best you can.

some days i get upset that the house is a mess and there is no place to put dirty dishes in the sink b.c it is overflowing with dirty dishes from the night before ( we do not have a dishwasher or washer or dryer either) and somedays i just laugh b.c really, what aare you going to do? we are both tired and at the end of our rope.. it will get done. someday or another

i think somedays will be harder than others.
i see you mentioned that you do daily grocery shopping. is there anyway you can do shopping one day a week? like a friday night or saturday? maybe you can go to the laundromat, throw the clothes in the wash cycle. hang out there for the 25 mins till the wash cycle ends and then throw the clothes in the dryer and go shopping while they dry. this is what i do sometimes. but i do it once a week. i could never imagine going to the laundromat every night!


anyhow good luck!!! and many i