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cantbelieveit
Love these kids!
Member since 10/05 4708 total posts
Name:
Tammy
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WWYD? MIL & SS related
I am going to try and sum this up in as few words as possible because I have a lot on my mind. My MIL is the absolute sweetest person you would ever meet. That being said, people tend to take advantage of her. She does a lot for my family and I always make sure I am thankful and appreciative of that. My husband basically grew up treating her like crap somewhat because she let him (and everyone else). She very rarely speaks up for herself. He has corrected a lot of his ways but now his son (my SS) is following in his footsteps and I feel soon with the influence of this so will my 2 1/2 year old. My SS is rude in every conversation and talks like he is the adult and she is the child. If I ever, EVER thought of treating my grandmother like that.....My DD is doing it too. I correct her and repremand her as she is my daughter and I feel I am responsible for her behavior and she is only 2 and learning. However, my DH thinks my MIL should be the one correcting the kids. She won't, she just won't. Half of the time she is clueless to the rudeness. So wwyd, punish SS for his intollerable behavior or wait in hopes MIL will do it (which she won't)? I just don't know if I can sit and listen to it. It makes my blood boil. I try to talk to MIL about it and she understands but can't stand to see SS punished and feels that is not the answer. But what do I do. I am just at my wits end.
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Posted 12/14/08 8:10 PM  |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
Depending on how old he is, I would speak to him BEFORE seeing MIL & tell him that you expect him to be on his best behavior & polite.
Is he a teenager? 5 year old?
I'd need an example of how he was rude because everyone was raised with a different threshold of what was acceptable. What your threshold is, is obviously different than DH's family. Is this behavior that would get him in trouble outside of the family (if he spoke this way to his boss, etc)
You know the expression you hurt the ones you love? My take on it is you meltdown, you get upset because that is the person you feel safe with. Is that the case?
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| Posted 12/14/08 8:18 PM |
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cantbelieveit
Love these kids!
Member since 10/05 4708 total posts
Name:
Tammy
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
Posted by nrthshgrl
Depending on how old he is, I would speak to him BEFORE seeing MIL & tell him that you expect him to be on his best behavior & polite.
Is he a teenager? 5 year old?
I'd need an example of how he was rude because everyone was raised with a different threshold of what was acceptable. What your threshold is, is obviously different than DH's family. Is this behavior that would get him in trouble outside of the family (if he spoke this way to his boss, etc)
You know the expression you hurt the ones you love? My take on it is you meltdown, you get upset because that is the person you feel safe with. Is that the case?
He is going to be 12 next month. I should have stated that.
Ex.
while eating the dinner that MIL cooked tonight, he said it was disgusting, these don't taste like normal ribs, and then made ewww, and uhh sounds while eating it. Then, about a 1/2 hour later she offered to take him back to his moms and said she was ready when he was. So he sat on his computer for about 20 minutes, came out and said "Lets Go" and MIL said ok, well can I just show you the articles I thought you could use for school and he said "No, lets go now".
In that situation I think she should have said well if you are going to speak to me like that then I am not cutting articles out for you.
This is just so hard to type I guess because so much is involved - tone etc. Yes, I feel safe with her and so does he. She did so much for him since he was little. I just feel that anyone would think it was rude. I try to remember in some cases that he is going to be 12 and reaching a tough age, but if it is like this now, the years to come are only going to be worse.
I will try to talk to him before she comes and see how that goes.
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| Posted 12/14/08 8:41 PM |
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cantbelieveit
Love these kids!
Member since 10/05 4708 total posts
Name:
Tammy
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
Anyone else have advice for me ?
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| Posted 12/14/08 10:38 PM |
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MommyAgain
lovemygermies
Member since 6/08 3195 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
my mother and i have had a very tumultuous relationship throghout the years...that being said i NEVER put up with my son (who always wants to come to my defense and fight my battles)..being disrespectful to her, even though i hate to say it, we treat one another that way sometimes, and he has unfortunately been a witness to it..he is ten, and is at that age where hes trying to test to see how much he can say before he gets it..
he is punished immediately, and made to apologize to his grandma any time he is fresh to her..
when were alone i explain to him, that i dont care if he agrees with what she says or does or not, he is A CHILD and he has NO RIGHT to speak to ANY adult like that, esp. his grandmother..
he'll say things like you mentioned your SS does, but only when he sees things are getting tense between her and i so i know its a protection thing..
obviously not the same situation for you, but either way, my advice is..
to speak candidly to your SS (or his mother or your dh) and let them/him know that it is completely innapropriate for him to speak to her that way, EZPECIALLY in front of your dd, and THATS why its YOUR business too...
good luck!!
Message edited 12/14/2008 10:40:58 PM.
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| Posted 12/14/08 10:40 PM |
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cantbelieveit
Love these kids!
Member since 10/05 4708 total posts
Name:
Tammy
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
Posted by MommyAgain
my mother and i have had a very tumultuous relationship throghout the years...that being said i NEVER put up with my son (who always wants to come to my defense and fight my battles)..being disrespectful to her, even though i hate to say it, we treat one another that way sometimes, and he has unfortunately been a witness to it..he is ten, and is at that age where hes trying to test to see how much he can say before he gets it..
he is punished immediately, and made to apologize to his grandma any time he is fresh to her..
when were alone i explain to him, that i dont care if he agrees with what she says or does or not, he is A CHILD and he has NO RIGHT to speak to ANY adult like that, esp. his grandmother..
he'll say things like you mentioned your SS does, but only when he sees things are getting tense between her and i so i know its a protection thing..
obviously not the same situation for you, but either way, my advice is..
to speak candidly to your SS (or his mother or your dh) and let them/him know that it is completely innapropriate for him to speak to her that way, EZPECIALLY in front of your dd, and THATS why its YOUR business too...
good luck!!
Thanks!
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| Posted 12/15/08 8:34 AM |
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Celt
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Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
Name:
colette
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
Hmm I'm probably unqualified to give any advice on this one, but it seems like you won't be able to 'correct' the behavior if your DH still treats his mom poorly. Your SS is going to take his cues from Dad no matter what. Is there any way you and DH can come to an agreement? Anyway he can 'heal' things for his mom, even if only for the sake of your 2 kids? I think you and DH have to have a united front on this one, or the SS will have a free pass to be rude to his g'ma.  That makes me sad though, I feel sorry for the grandma...
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| Posted 12/15/08 9:07 AM |
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1stimemom
Love my boys
Member since 2/08 8766 total posts
Name:
Mrs Dee
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
Discipline him! He is old enough to know better! If your MIL won't say anything, YOU say it and screw the reaction you get from DH or anyone else! If he would have said the dinner thing to my mom, I would have told him if he didn't like it, then he didn't have to eat it, and taken it away. The rudeness will not stop at her. It will continue to other people the older he gets. Speak up!!!! It is for his own good.
BTW - I am a SM of 2 teenagers who acted the same way at that age - I ma speaking from experience
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| Posted 12/15/08 9:49 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
Hmmm...would it be wrong for me to think that dh has to change first before SS? I am just hearing alot of he is doing it bc he is watching it from a few posters...but ...I also feel like YES these are children BUT ya cant make a child stop doing something and telling them they cant do it bc they are a child. The message should be you cant do it bc its disrespectful ...not bc of their age. IMHO...your dh needs to sit down with his son and say that he made alot of mistakes and isnt proud of them but is getting better. He doesnt want his son to make the same mistakes and make an agreement together to show some more respect to mom/grandma...KWIM...
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| Posted 12/15/08 10:05 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
I think I would tell DH he needs to reign in his son. Yes he feels comfortable with speaking to his grandmother that way - and part of the blame is hers for not commanding the respect but in the end, it's going to spill into different areas of his life.
If he were to go to a friend's house, he would treat that stranger with more respect than he treats his grandmother.
If DH didn't start correcting, I would step in & discuss it with SS before going over there. "You need to show respect to all adults - including your grandmother. Next time you talk back to her, the consequence is ____. That includes things like rude comments at the dinner table, etc. You are my son too & I won't have you talking to people like that"
Some of the attitude is being 12, the rest is a reflection on the parents failure to act on his behavior.
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| Posted 12/15/08 10:11 AM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: WWYD? MIL & SS related
IMO, it is the responsibility of parents to discipline their children, not other adults. I think it is acceptable for other adults to discipline children (like family members) but the primary responsibility still resides with the parents.
I have no problem correcting children who are in my home who are doing things they shouldn't be doing, but I prefer that their own parents correct them first. As Barbara said, though, different people have different ideas of what behavior is acceptable. I know if my parents were around, they would have no problem disciplining my DS, but they would expect me to take care of it if I were present. I think your DH needs to talk to your SS and explain what behavior is and isn't acceptable. He also has to model that behavior in front of your MIL.
I also think you have the added challenge of dealing with a 12 year old boy. Even the nicest kids tend to get a bit more fresh at that age.
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| Posted 12/15/08 10:13 AM |
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