TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

I've been with DH for 10 yrs - married for almost 5. And the situation I am about to describe has NEVER EVER happened before. We just started TTC this month and I haven't even come onto this board yet. DH has been ready to TTC for a while now and did not express any hesitation about starting now (although I initially did). Here is the very embarrasssing and strange issue and I don't know where else to turn. SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THE WAY 2 much info.

We used to use condoms for bc and the first 2 times trying were fine and great (a little quick but that is understandable given the long condom usage). So 3rd time we have a little problem -everything starts fine but then Dh "loses" it. He said that he just got prematurely excited or something like that - whatever the case - I got REALLY upset because I just assumed it was because of me - like he wasn't attracted to me or something. Later that night we BD and everything is fine. But he later tells me that now this "issue" is totally stuck in his head and he can't stop thinking about it the entire time. Next day - we go to try again - problem happens again - and he is REALLY upset. Problem didn't happen the next time and only happened briefly the time after that. DH has told me that he cannot stop thinking about this now - he is totally anxious about it happening again all the time. Especially, while we are BD'ing. I am now trying and being extremely understanding. DH has explained up and down that this is now a mental issue for him and has nothing to do with me and he is very attracted to me etc. etc. and, in fact, one of the main reasons he is worried all the time is because he is afraid what this is making me think.

Here are my questions - is this completely crazy? Has this never happened to anyone and he should go to the dr. because it means something is very wrong? Also, could it mean there is something wrong with his sperm quality and so we shouldn't BD even if he can because it could end up with bad sperm and a problem for the baby later on?

I'm so sorry for this TMI post!

Message edited 11/16/2006 10:10:13 AM.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

i'm no expert but maybe its just because he mentally knows you're ttc... can you pretend you're not, take the focus off ttc, have some wine etc... before bd? good luck - hope this helps. i think its kind of normal for a guy whose spent his whole life trying to avoid getting some pg - you know what i mean?

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

It sounds like he is nervous - first about TTCing and now he thinks about the times he had "problems" and this makes it even harder for him.
Try to take some of the pressure off him, maybe tell him forget about TTC for the time being and get used to sex without condoms. This will take some of the pressure off him. He might have some more problems at first - be patient and he will be fine. This sounds purely psychological.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

It really sounds like he's putting too much pressure on himself. Maybe if you take a few days off, so to speak, it may help him. If it keeps happening, I would see a doctor just to make sure there is nothing else wrong. Good luck!

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

I think he feels a lot of pressure to "get it perfect" because now it's not just an intimate act between you - it's also you guys trying to conceive.

I think the best thing you can do is reassure him that everything is fine (even though it's frustrating and difficult for you). He is beating himself up about it.

I agree with the above poster about having a nice date - have some wine - have a great time and perhaps go out to dinner - really try and relax and laugh and flirt with each other. . . BD isnt always very romantic (it wasnt for us - I was using OPK sticks, circling certain days in my calendar, etc.) and perhaps if you focus more on what you are doing BEFORE bd - dates, kissing, cuddling, laughing, etc, the rest will come more easily.

And no - you didnt share TMI, this is a board where people want to help one another.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

I agree with the others. He's putting a lot of pressure on himself. Take the focus off TTC and just have fun.

Don't worry about bad sperm quality yet. You just started TTC.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

I agree also. I have found the best thing to do when TTC is keep everything to yourself. Most men are not interested in your temp or what your OPK says. Just tell him you want to get it on, keeop everything else a secret. He should relax. If it continues have him go see a uroligist

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

FM

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

It sounds like it has happened more than once b/c he is so nervous that it may happen again. If he keeps focusing on "what if it happens again" it probably will.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

Def not TMI

This sounds totally psychological, def take the emphasis off of TTC. I know my DH has expressed to me the pressure of not knowing if his boy "work" before we TTC. Guys get very proud of their boys, especially if/when you get pg. That's a lot a pressure especially they know it's up to them to get the deposit to the egg.

I would take the emphasis off of charting, OPK's, your fertile days, and just concentrate on being with each other, heart and soul and bodies.

Guys do not want to hear about all the techniques and fertile windows, they just want to have fun, get laid, and in the meantime make a baby.

Make it like datenight, keep your fertility to yourself, and seduce him. He won't even be able to tell from the times your are fertile and when you are not, you guys will just enjoy each other.

Having sex without condoms for the first couple times make babymaking extrememely real, and the focus needs to come off of that, and believe me after you get used to doing it without the raincoat, you won't want to use one again. That's how my little surprise to arrive in July 07 came about.

Good luck, and if that doesn't work, maybe together you could go see someone and talk about feelings regarding TTC.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

personally, I think it's a combo of being afarid it will happen again AND a subconcious fear of what getting PG will do to your lives (not in a bad way) just a "back of his head" thing about how having a child truly changes your life.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

Posted by sweetness

Def not TMI

This sounds totally psychological, def take the emphasis off of TTC. I know my DH has expressed to me the pressure of not knowing if his boy "work" before we TTC. Guys get very proud of their boys, especially if/when you get pg. That's a lot a pressure especially they know it's up to them to get the deposit to the egg.

I would take the emphasis off of charting, OPK's, your fertile days, and just concentrate on being with each other, heart and soul and bodies.

Guys do not want to hear about all the techniques and fertile windows, they just want to have fun, get laid, and in the meantime make a baby.

Make it like datenight, keep your fertility to yourself, and seduce him. He won't even be able to tell from the times your are fertile and when you are not, you guys will just enjoy each other.

Having sex without condoms for the first couple times make babymaking extrememely real, and the focus needs to come off of that, and believe me after you get used to doing it without the raincoat, you won't want to use one again. That's how my little surprise to arrive in July 07 came about.

Good luck, and if that doesn't work, maybe together you could go see someone and talk about feelings regarding TTC.

Re: TMI but need advice - Totally Embarrassing!

I'm wondering, to ease the mood a bit, why don't you get some sexy lingerie, some massage oil, candles, etc, and just have really long 4play? Massages, touching, etc - just to build that excitement....