Re: I need a joke...

What did the evil chicken lay?
Deviled eggs

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree

Re: I need a joke...

If you're American before you go to the bathroom and American after you go to the bathroom, what are you while you're going to the bathroom?

European (You're-a-peein)!

Re: I need a joke...

I eight the sandbox

Re: I need a joke...

Posted by jxnoscar

A mushroom walks into a bar

He see a beautiful woman at the end of the bar and approaches her.

"Miss, I think you are beautiful, may I buy you a drink and take you out to dinner?"

The woman takes one look at him and immediately dismisses him.

"I can't accept a drink from you or go out with you, you're a freaking mushroom"

The mushroom looks back and says to her

"Now, Come on! I'm a fungi..."

Re: I need a joke...

2 peanuts walk into a bar and 1 was assaulted (get it a salted!)

2 tomatoes were walking down the street and 1 starts lagging behind. the 1 in front turns around and yells, "hey, ketchup!"

Re: I need a joke...

Wow..I go away for a while to get some dinner and miss the comedy stylings of LIF!!



Thanks everyone. Keep 'em coming!

I have a meeting with a semi-bigwig coming up and he's famous for putting people on the spot and asking for a joke.

But I'm in HR so I do have to keep it clean. And I think it needs to have arms and legs!!

Re: I need a joke...

As long as you're in HR too:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Re: I need a joke...

What did the fish say after he crashed into a cement wall?

















DAMN!!!!!

Re: I need a joke...

Re: I need a joke...

Posted by mrswask

Posted by trnity44

Have you seen the new Pirate Movie?

Its rated Arrrrrrrrrr.

I love that one!

bwahahahaah

OMG - this just totally cracked me up! I have to tell DH this one - that "pirate noise" is one of our jokes - I was supervising a football game at my school last year and the visiting team was the Pirates - EVERYONE on their side, all the fans, grownups, EVERYONE - was ARRRRRRR-ing! It was hysterical - and a little scary!!

Re: I need a joke...

Posted by trnity44

Posted by mrswask

Posted by trnity44

Have you seen the new Pirate Movie?

Its rated Arrrrrrrrrr.

I love that one!

bwahahahaah

OMG - this just totally cracked me up! I have to tell DH this one - that "pirate noise" is one of our jokes - I was supervising a football game at my school last year and the visiting team was the Pirates - EVERYONE on their side, all the fans, grownups, EVERYONE - was ARRRRRRR-ing! It was hysterical - and a little scary!!

Its totally part of our jokes too!

My brother's away message on IM is either "If I were a pirate, I'd be at dinnarrrrrrrrr" or "If I were a pirate, I'd be in the showarrrrrrrrr"

Re: I need a joke...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

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Re: I need a joke...

Re: I need a joke...

Anyone know the brick joke?

Here it is:

There's these three brothers that have a construction company. They're not known for being very smart, but they have one claim to fame: when building, they always use the exact amount of bricks they have. They never, ever, have one leftover.

One day, the brothers are finishing up a house and are dismayed to find a brick lying on the ground.

They look around and look around, and can't find anywhere to put it.

They're perplexed, because they don't want to lose this fame that they have. So they stand there, looking at the brick, brainstorming.

The youngest brother says, "Wait! I have an idea!", picks the brick up, and throws it straight up into the air.

And the brick falls down to the ground.

Ten minutes pass and the middle brother says, "Hah! I've got it!", picks the brick up, and throws it up in the air, as hard as he can.

And the brick comes back down.

For half an hour, the brothers stare and stare. It's getting dark out now.

Finally, the oldest brother says, "Leave it to me. I know what to do!", picks up the brick, and hurls it into the air.

And the brick doesn't come back down.

Message edited 1/4/2007 8:50:27 AM.

Re: I need a joke...

Here's another...

There's a man and a woman with a dog taking one of those small Cessna charter planes. Everything is ok until just after takeoff.

At this point, the man decides to light up a cigar. The compartment of the small plane quickly fills with smoke and the dog sitting on the woman's lap starts barking at the man.

The woman finally asks him nicely to put the cigar out. He acts as if he hasn't heard her.

She asks again, loudly this time, and he glances over and turns away to look out the window.

Finally she gets up, snatches the cigar out of his mouth, slides open her window and throws the cigar out.

The man is now enraged and says, "Oh YEA? Two can play at that game!" and he picks up her dog and throws the dog out HIS window!

The woman screams, "FIFI! FIFI!" and runs to the window.

And she sees her dog on the wing of the plane!

And what do you think that dog had in it's mouth?

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The brick, of course.

Re: I need a joke...

*Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!

*It's not that good help is hard to find, it's just that bad help is so hard to get rid of.

*A man went to apply for a job. He was a high school drop-out and had had 14 jobs in the past three years, with descending salaries. After filling out his employment application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employment interviewer reviewed the job application and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"


*A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the interviewer his application. The interviewer begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the interviewer, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the interviewer, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy. "At least, I'm not a quitter."


*The employment interviewer examined the job application, then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before. What does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"



*Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.