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Faithx2
All good things in 2016!!
Member since 8/05 20181 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Oh honey  I'm sorry you are going through this. Yes I would be mad and yes he did lie......I hope it all works itself out.....
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Posted 2/7/06 1:27 PM  |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
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Message edited 2/7/2006 1:28:45 PM.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:28 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
You should consider counseling even by yourself. I've never been, but I've had to take classes in how to consel for my job. Basically you can't make people change, you can only work on how you react to their actions. It seems like he leaves messes for you to clean up, or figure out the solution (like paying for the tickets and rent). How does that make you feel? Are you resenting your position in the relationship?
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:28 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
ive been to counsleing before we moved.
and i KNOW this sounds bad, but i think HE needs the therepy ALOT more than i do.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:29 PM |
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DjPiLL
Member since 5/05 3664 total posts
Name:
Richard
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by LadyLainez
Posted by DjPiLL
If he loves to play poker... buy him the World Series of Poker video game. It actually isn't bad and could be a good "free" alternative.
You can get it for just about any system... PS2, Xbox, PSP, etc.
Ok, I don't think will fix the problem. Getting seperate accts will not fix the issue, since Jess says he has lied about another thing before. The issue here is the lying and not really the money. IMO
Well I am not saying thats the fix to the problem. There are obviously other issues here that need to be addressed.
I just suggested this as an alternative for him to pass his time.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:30 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
djpill....
a video game is a good idea.
the only thing that makes me think it wont change anything tho is that he already ahs two versions of party poker on the computer. a free one and one you pay for.
he liked the $ one better.....
BUT like i said he promised not to do the $ one anymore.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:31 PM |
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DjPiLL
Member since 5/05 3664 total posts
Name:
Richard
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
There is nothing worse than playing free online poker. It suks... BAD.
Since its free... its really not any fun cause these idiots that play the free poker simply go ALL-IN after the first hand. Its really not a true representation on how poker is played.
While playing the video game against the computer really isn't the best either... at least the computer will "try" to play the game properly. Its a much more relistic game than playing free online poker against other people.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:32 PM |
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LadyMaravilla
Fall Is Here
Member since 5/05 12023 total posts
Name:
Sonia
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by Lolita4Life
ive been to counsleing before we moved.
and i KNOW this sounds bad, but i think HE needs the therepy ALOT more than i do.
Oh. Well I think you need to decide the pros & cons of this relationship then. I don't know what to tell you. Has he been to couseling w/ you?
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:32 PM |
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DjPiLL
Member since 5/05 3664 total posts
Name:
Richard
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by Lolita4Life
free one and one you pay for.
he liked the $ one better.....
Maybe because of what I just said in my above post.
But like everyone else said... this will not "fix" your problem overall and you should address these other issues.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:33 PM |
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LadyMaravilla
Fall Is Here
Member since 5/05 12023 total posts
Name:
Sonia
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by DjPiLL
Posted by Lolita4Life
free one and one you pay for.
he liked the $ one better.....
Maybe because of what I just said in my above post.
But like everyone else said... this will not "fix" your problem overall and you should address these other issues.
Agreed!
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:33 PM |
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tourist
Member since 5/05 10425 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by LadyLainez
Posted by DjPiLL
If he loves to play poker... buy him the World Series of Poker video game. It actually isn't bad and could be a good "free" alternative.
You can get it for just about any system... PS2, Xbox, PSP, etc.
Ok, I don't think will fix the problem. Getting seperate accts will not fix the issue, since Jess says he has lied about another thing before. The issue here is the lying and not really the money. IMO
No? I thought vidoe games fixed everything?  
Seriously though, those things may help in the short term, so then they can work on the bigger issues.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:33 PM |
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LadyMaravilla
Fall Is Here
Member since 5/05 12023 total posts
Name:
Sonia
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
No? I thought vidoe games fixed everything?
Seriously though, those things may help in the short term, so then they can work on the bigger issues.
 in my DH's mind they do!
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:35 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
no i know nothing like that will truely "fix" the issue, but i know it cant hurt either.
i just shouldnt HAVE to do that i feel. like, i shouldnt HAVE to buy him a video game so that he will stop. i should just be able to trust his word.
and let me say, since we hd the original fight about it he HASN'T gone back on his word.
he just has about this OTHER thing, which makes me feel like i cant trust him on things like that.
i think the problem MAY lie in the fact that he doesnt see anything wrong in what he does, therefore he thinks im unreasonable and whatnot.
he knows it bothers me, but in his mind he isnt doing anything wrong and he thinks im just silly to feel the way i do.
Message edited 2/7/2006 1:42:03 PM.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:41 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
I don't think the video game will help at all. My DH hates the free online games for the reasons pill mentioned, but the video games are the same. There's no reason for him not to play in moderation--limit online poker to $5 a week, the price of a fast food lunch. But you can't be the one policing him, and if he doesn't see this as a problem, he'll feel no need to change. At one point my DH was spending waayyyy too much time playing online poker. In his defense, he does quite well, and has paid for vacations for us from his winnings. But I didn't care about that, I wanted more time with him. We sat down and wrote up what we would feel comfortable with him spending timewise on the computer--say, 1/2 hour weeknights, 2 hours weekends (whatever we decided, I don't remember). It felt like we worked together to find a solution we were both happy with, and that paper is by the computer as a reminder to him, so I never have to nag.
Message edited 2/7/2006 1:46:08 PM.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:45 PM |
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DjPiLL
Member since 5/05 3664 total posts
Name:
Richard
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by nov04libride
I don't think the video game will help at all. My DH hates the free online games for the reasons pill mentioned, but the video games are the same. There's no reason for him not to play in moderation--limit online poker to $5 a week, the price of a fast food lunch. But you can't be the one policing him, and if he doesn't see this as a problem, he'll feel no need to change. At one point my DH was spending waayyyy too much time playing online poker. In his defense, he does quite well, and has paid for vacations for us from his winnings. But I didn't care about that, I wanted more time with him. We sat down and wrote up what we would feel comfortable with him spending timewise on the computer--say, 1/2 hour weeknights, 2 hours weekends (whatever we decided, I don't remember). It felt like we worked together to find a solution we were both happy with, and that paper is by the computer as a reminder to him, so I never have to nag.
Very interesting points. 
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:47 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
thats good.
maybe i should do that instead of asking him to just STOP alltogether.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:47 PM |
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LadyMaravilla
Fall Is Here
Member since 5/05 12023 total posts
Name:
Sonia
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by Lolita4Life
thats good.
maybe i should do that instead of asking him to just STOP alltogether.
I agree if you want to make this relatiionship work then maybe you can come up with ideas together but the rules need to be stuck to. Good luck!
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:49 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by Lolita4Life
no i know nothing like that will truely "fix" the issue, but i know it cant hurt either.
i just shouldnt HAVE to do that i feel. like, i shouldnt HAVE to buy him a video game so that he will stop. i should just be able to trust his word.
You are right. YOu shouldn't have to. He is a grown man- and a lot older than you. He should be mature enough to control himself. If he can't control himself, he should be mature enough to admit he has a problem and needs help.
Posted by Lolita4Life
he just has about this OTHER thing, which makes me feel like i cant trust him on things like that.
IMO- if there is anythign you can't trust him on- that is a problem.
i think the problem MAY lie in the fact that he doesnt see anything wrong in what he does, therefore he thinks im unreasonable and whatnot.
he knows it bothers me, but in his mind he isnt doing anything wrong and he thinks im just silly to feel the way i do.
If he doesn't think that what he is doign is wrong, chances are that this issue will come up again. It may not be online poker, but it may be playing a few hands of poker while you are at the pool or in the bathroom, after you agreed to only play slots. Or it could be about keeping something else from you.
You guys really need to discuss this and he needs to understand why you feel this way- that its not silly. That your feelings are not silly .
Message edited 2/7/2006 1:53:28 PM.
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:52 PM |
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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Hi there, I posted a similar thread about lying about a week ago. I wanted to tell you how we resolved it. First, we discussed the reasons why he lied and got to the root of that problem - he admitted it was a problem in all aspects of his life - work as well. He felt the need for things to always be perfect and work smoothly - he only wanted to communicated about the "good" not the "bad."
He has agreed that he needs therapy and that we should go as a couple we are currently searching for a counselor. Also, we are catholic and I felt very strongly about him lying within our marriage and, he has agreed to go to confession. We have also agreed to "meet" once a week, to discuss the "bad" issues that are going on to get everything out in the open.
I explained to him that my "forgiveness" of his lying was contingent on these things.
Also, Im not sure what your other issue is but, one of the things that was pivotal for me was that everything he said checked out so to speak - I went through everything meticulously to be sure there were no other lies and that what he was lying about - was not serious within itself if that makes sense.
Hope this helps and good luck
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| Posted 2/7/06 1:55 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
i think the problem MAY lie in the fact that he doesnt see anything wrong in what he does, therefore he thinks im unreasonable and whatnot.
Hey Jess,
Look at the above. If he really thought there was nothing wrong with this then why would he lie?? He would say I don't think this is wrong and this is why...but he can't. I just want to let you know without getting in to too much detail I have dealt with addictive personalities all my life and everything goes out the window--love for the people around you, respect for their wishes, etc. The first hint is lying about what you're doing. I have someone in my life-a very imprtant person-not DH-who was an addictive gambler and it destroyed many things for him and teh people around him.
If DH really feels its not a big deal challenge him to not do it for 3 mos. See if he can
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| Posted 2/7/06 2:09 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
you guys have given me such great advise, thank you so much.
melijane, i understand. i thnk he hides it fom me though becuase he knows i wouldnt approve---- although he doesnt think theres anything wrong with what he does. he knows it would bother me so he omits it.
which i think is the problem. if you KNOW it would get me upset, DONT do it!
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| Posted 2/7/06 2:15 PM |
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leighla
Support Cancer Research
Member since 5/05 16353 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
We've had similar issues. Tons of bills to pay and debt to get out of and I found out he was spending a lot on party poker.
So we agreed on a pre-set spending limit of $50 per every two weeks. That's what we were comfortable with and it's been a lot less stressful.
He knows he can still play (just the smaller tables) and I know we are still handling our expenses effectively.
Besides, as he pointed out, it's probably less than what I spend on my hair, shoes, clothes, etc.
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| Posted 2/7/06 2:17 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
Posted by Lolita4Life
thats good.
maybe i should do that instead of asking him to just STOP alltogether.
Exactly. Marriage is about compromise and communication. Effective communication. I would be angry about the lying too, but I do feel you are overreacting. Sleeping on the couch and not talking to him today definitely won't help resolve the issue. You are just expressing your anger and hurt in an ineffective way.
You need to TALK to him. You both need to figure out a way to communicate the true issues here and work on them. If you feel that you've talked and talked and just aren't getting through to him, then yes, maybe you should look into counseling. Especially depending on what the other issue is.
Marriage takes work. When situations come up like this, this is what they mean by work. This is an issue you both have to work on.
Read the post from Confused, she made some good points and gave some good advice also.
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| Posted 2/7/06 2:19 PM |
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Shanti
True love
Member since 6/05 12653 total posts
Name:
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
I think you have every right to be angry and upset and I think you guys need to talk about it, openly and honestly
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| Posted 2/7/06 2:19 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Would You Consider It a Lie?
thanks.
yeah, the loser is STILL Sleeping so i dont know if we can talk about it today, since i go to work in less than 2 hours.
but not having to see him or hear him or talk to him today has helped me out alot.
i needed some alone time and my own space.
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| Posted 2/7/06 2:23 PM |
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