Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

Its been 13 months now. This is my first cycle with a RE and Im doing my first (and hopefully only) IUI this month. My best friend just had a baby 6 months ago and is constantly asking me when its my turn. No one knows we were even trying the last 13 month, so they obviously dont know we are having issues.

Part of me wants to tell a select few people. I feel it will lessen the pressure bc people will stop asking. At the same time... I dont think its anyone's business. Its private and a little embarrassing. Its also frustrating bc they can not find any reason why we are having trouble.

So basically, are you doing fertility treatments secretly? If not, did you feel better when you told people? How did they react? Did you feel even more pressure after they knew??

I just wish people would stop asking when I am having a baby. It just reminds me that I am having trouble. When I am pg I will tell them!!

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

Yup- I did. Both my own and DH's parents (well moms actually but they told the dads and eventually it all came out). MIL shared w/ SIL as well as my DH's cousin (who went thru IVF), her cleaning lady (who she's good friends w/ whose daughter went thru IVF), and God knows who else...
In the beginning it helped b/c it stopped the "when are you giving us more grandchildren" and "when are you having kids" questions from certain people...
DH and I have been trying for over 5 years... so needless to say it's EXTREMELY frustrating when we're constantly being asked what we're up to and if we're trying... it's gotten to the point that after we went thru a chemical/etopic/early m/c (we'll never know what it actually was) last year- and our families knew that we had cycled, that we kept all future cycles quiet and try to be as vague as we can when we're asked now.
It's a very personal decision. Personally for me, in the beginning it helped. After a while people started adding in their 2 cents about whose daughter or cousin went to what dr and why aren't I going there and so and so took this medication and why aren't I on that...etc... to the point that I wanted to smack people! I'm no help,lol...

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

At first, I only told one of my closest friends..just to have someone to talk to. But, after a while, I got sick of my family and friends....and even people at work...asking when I was going to have a baby. I just wanted to scream at them, "I wish I already had one!!!!".

So, I have been very open about it since then. Not everyone knows the details (just my family, DH's family, and some close friends), but a lot of people know it is something that I have been struggling with. I use a lot of humor when I talk about it, so no one really knows how awful it has been for me (except my mom).

It is a really personal decision and really depends on your comfort level. But, for me, it did help with the stress of other people's expectations.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

We've told our parents since they both knew that we were TTC'ing and i wanted to stop any potential 'so, when is going to happen' questions from them. (well, MIL specifically ). They've both been pretty good so far tho.
I've also told my GF's as i felt i needed the support. They're not the types to press the issue so its enough that they know, and they are there to talk if i need it.

All our other friends don't even know we're TTC'ing, let alone going to an RE. We've fielded the usual 'you guys should be having kids soon' 'when are you going to pop out some babies' blah blah questions and we both just laugh those off.

I think that unless you've done it yourself, most people have NO idea what a couple goes through in trying to get pregnant, let alone when you have issues with it. So i really can't fault our friends for asking (since most of them don't have kids) .. but it does get old after a while.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

My SIL knows everything because she went through all the infertility treatments you can think of and finally got pregnant with twins with donor eggs, so I feel like I can talk to her about all this nonsense. I have told a few friends because sometimes I need to talk about things. My parents don't know the extent of what is happening and DH's parents don't know anything.

I have a couple friends on LIF who don't know everything. I am ok with them reading it here if they come across it, but right now I don't want to talk about it with everyone. I need to talk about it on my terms. I feel like if everyone knows they will keep asking about it and that just adds to the stress.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

DH told EVERYONE. Every friend, family member, neighbor, co-worker....u name it....he told them.

I think it actually helped. I feel like we had more of a support system bc of it.

Ironically one of the random couples that he told was also going through the same thing. It really bonded us and I am now good friends w/ the woman bc of DH's big mouth.

Everyone is different and it's def a personal choice.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

At first, I only told my 2 best friends (and everyone on LIF )

When we did our first IVF... I told my parents - but only because we were in NY at the time when I'd be having my beta and I was SO sure that it would work (it didn't).

After that, I did keep my parents updated on everything we were going through.

My ILs STILL don't know we did IF treatments - they are kind of "old school" though and my DH doesn't wnat to share that with them. Extended family doesn't know either. It's not that it's a secret... it's just that I don't necessarily think it's anyone's business - KWIM?

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

My life is an open book.. I asked anyone and everyone to pray for me.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

As of right now the only people who know are my mom and my best friend. We have chosen not to tell anyone on DH side since they are less than supportive in general. I think it would be easier if more people knew but for right now we are keeping it hush hush.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

We've told a lot of people at this point. My immediate family knows, DH's immediate family knows, and my closest friends. Some we told for support and some we told so they would stop bugging us about when we are going to have a baby. Most people just know the basics, we tried for over a year and are now seeing a specialist. My mom and BFF know all the details, as well as a friend couple that went through IVF for their 2 kids.

It's helped me a lot to be so open. I've found it easier to deal with it all. But only my DH really understands what it's like for us, the heartache and crying. And that's okay. I keep a positive upbeat attitude for everyone else and I think overall that helps me keep a more positive attitude within myself.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

I have no problem talking about it.... the biggest relief was telling my "boss" at work.

My husband did request we NOT tell his family. I've respected that. We'll tell them once we get pregnant (they have crazy, unscientific theories like have sex once a month for a boy.... imagine getting preggo only having sex once a month!)

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

Yes. My parents, sisiter/BIL, and a few good friends know. Mostly the support is great, sometimes it's a bit much answering all the questions and having to tell them all another cycle failed. Like everything else, you have to weigh the benefits to the down side.

I did think it was very important for DH to reach out to a friend or two, and he eventually did. I wanted him to have a guy to b*tch to (about me if need be) and also just to be able to deal with it his way, not always the way I need to deal with it.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

i mentioned to my family and some friends. sometimes its just easier than having everyone keep asking when you will have another
and, getting support is always nice!

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

I did but I am a very open person. I think people can help if they know what's going on with you. Pretty much everyone knows. My MIL i the only person who has the "helpful" stories of this one on Clomid and that one doing IVF. She's just trying to be helpful and hopeful, she REALLY wants another grandbaby.

It has stopped the questions of "When are you going to have a baby?" Or "do it at this time of the month" So it has been easier, but it is still a battle no matter which way you do it.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

There were handful of very close friends who knew what we were going through and I didn't really tell family until we thought we were moving onto IVF. Anyone we did tell was incredibly supportive and knew to keep their opinions and/or unsolicited advice to themselves...with the exception of my mother and father

I really thought there might be more pressure month after month but honestly no one asked and one pushed. I have one friend who started trying the same time as me and her and I would talk about it basically EVERY day but with the exception of her people knew pretty loosley what was going on.

It sounds to me that you need some support. I would share this with whoever you may feel comfortable with and feel free to tell them whether or not you mind questions or just want a shoulder to lean on when you need one

ETA: A couple of the people I did tell was only because I was sick of the constant questioning of when we were going to start having kids so I did it to basically shut them up. And it worked!

Message edited 10/30/2009 9:25:17 AM.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

at first when we started trying we didn't tell anyone, since #1 was still pretty young-5 months.

But once the months started rolling by I got concerned and started seeing an RE. Since it's about a 40mi round trip for me to see him and there is usually a wait I normally can't bring #1 with me. So I need to find a babysitter quite often. So I had to explain that I was seeing and RE due to trouble having #2 but still kept info minimal.

Once I started my shots and IUI's I was done holding everything back. It was emotionally, mentally and physically
draining and I needed some kind of support.

DH's family doesn't even know we're TTC #2. My whole family knows what I'm doing. They will not however know that we are doing IVF. They really don't approve of the IUI's and medication and would freak about the IVF. They seem to think if we just "relax" things will happen.

I'm in a moms group and there are SEVERAL women who have done the IVF, adoption, IUI route and I have a TON of support from them, I'm able to get info and its a GREAT source of strength for me.

Re: Did you tell people about your troubles TTC?

In the beginning, I wanted to keep it relatively quiet. Only my 2 closest friends and my parents knew. I've mentioned it to a few other close friends recently and it turns out that several of my friends have been (or had been) going through the same thing! It's been comforting to know that I have people I can talk to who have been or still are in my shoes as well. Oh, and I also told my boss because all of the Dr. appointments have often caused me to be late for work.

DH does has not told his parents becasue he doing not think they will be understanding. His father, who is very "old fashioed" (for lack of a better term), told DH that he is obviously not doing something right in the bedroom because we've yet to get pregnant.... geez! DH has spoke to some friends about our TTC without any luck but he has not told anyone that we are seeking out medical help.