Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

Im sorry for the fake name but I needed some advice for something without people knowing who I am

What would you think about this scenerio:

DH, DD and MIL were out at the store when DD knock something off the shelf. I told her not to touch and put the item back.
She went back and went to touch it again, DH then told her again not to touch it.

She then proceeded to walk over again to the stuff on the shelf and was just about to touch the item again when DH yelled ( pretty loudly and in front of other people)

"Touch it again and I break your hand"

I gasped as did his mother. DD then ran to me and grabbed my leg.

Is it me or is this EXTREMELY uncalled for and inapproriate to say to a 3 yr old???

Im livid over this

I didn't say anything to him at the time due to the people and MIL around us, but I know he doesn't see it as wrong in anyway.

Im I wrong for feeling this way???

ETA: Let me also say that a cuople weeks ago we caught DD pushing my DS over to get by and DH said to her " How would you like if someone pushed you down?" Then proceeded to push her down where she hit her head on her art easel.
The poor thing burst into tears and got scared... boy did I let him have it after that one!!!

He acts out of anger without thinking

Message edited 2/17/2010 11:18:59 AM.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

def not right to say but it sounds like it was a quick response and that's the first thing that came to his mind. I'd bring it up and just tell him to be more cautious about what he says in public and think about how it will affect DD but i wouldn't be too upset. (but then again you know your DH better, it this is a bad habit then he needs a talking to)

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

No, you're not wrong. Unfortunately we don't think b4 we speak sometimes and DH did cross the line, but I think it was more a threat he would NEVER do. Just the anger building up. Maybe he had a bad day or something?

I'm not condoning what he did and to a child, yes... it's harsh. There are times we say things we don't mean and can't take it back.

Did he apologize? Have you spoken to him about it?

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

While I think what your dh said may have been the wrong words,but it accomplished the intent of not touching said object again.

I really don't think you should be livid over it but I do think you should take the opportunity to review your discipline ideals and his and then try to formulate a better way to handle the situation next time that works for both of you.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

You aren't wrong, and I can understand being embarrassed, especially b/c he said it in public.

But...unless you feel like he would actually DO it, I think that we all say things that we don't mean sometimes and that it was frustrating to him in that instant and he slipped up...it happens

If this was a one time thing, I'd let it slide, he is probably embarrassed too

Message edited 2/17/2010 11:11:43 AM.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

You are not wrong. I would have been horrified as well. But.. sometimes people say sh*t without thinking and once it slips out they have a hard time admitting they were stupid to say it.

I'd have a private discussion with him and let him know that you cannot have that kind of threat ever issued to DD again. It's inappropriate, it's scary and honestly.. if anyone else had heard it he might have had a visit from CPS. Plus.. kids mimic their parents. She could turn around and tell one of her friends she's going to break his hand if he touches her toy. If you explain these reasons why it isn't okay in a calm and rational manner, I'm sure he will understand.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

I'd be majorly pizzed too
Not cool, but we all make mistakes. Does he feel he was wrong?

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

Speaking as someone who has older kids, I'd be upset but let it go.

I say the older kids caveat because when my kids were younger, I would be extremely upset & consider taking my husband out over something like that.

Now having been through those stages, I would chalk it up to not his best parenting moment. We all have them & that was his.

A relative of mine once told her daughter if she hit her brother again, she would rip her arms off. Not her best parenting moment either - particulary because kids are VERY literal & her daughter wound up in tears thinking her arms would actually get ripped off.

There is no doubt in my mind your dd thinks DH would break her hand. They don't get "expressions" or over the top "threats".

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

I definitely know I'd react very similarly to you - I'd be concerned, angry, and disappointed if my DH said that!!! BUT, in all fairness, he may just have been having a "moment" - you know, a long day, maybe frustrated with other things, then add a feisty 3yo to the mix and I can see how someone might say something like that to their child??? As an isolated incident, I'd just register my concerns with my DH privately and ask him to apologize to DD and let her know that he was *WRONG* to say that, would NEVER hurt her, and will try NEVER to say anything like that again.
BUT if there's a history of overreacting and/or physical threats, *that* would need to be addressed at a much deeper level...
Either way an apology to DD is warranted asap!

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"

Also edited in OP about another occasion

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

Posted by nowords

He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"

Also edited in OP about another occasion

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

Posted by nowords

He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"

Also edited in OP about another occasion

Message edited 2/17/2010 11:21:00 AM.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

I understand your anger. I would have been mortified if DH did that in PUBLIC no less. But, I have to say. I just said this to DS yesterday. I was done, he worked it all day and was being a huge brat. I told him if he touched it again I was going to break his hand. Wrong, yeah probably. Would I most def not. I was just so pisssed because he INTENTIONALLY was doing it. I think in the moment of frustration things come out that probably shouldn't. JMO.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

OK your additional edit makes me think there's more going on and it needs to be addressed NOW. I understand he's frustrated and trying to teach her a lesson, unfortunately the way he's going about it is both wrong and ineffective. He's using an archaic type of discipline, and all DD is learning unfortunately is "might makes right", and it will lead to a lot of confusion and frustration. Will he listen to you about discipline issues??? Once you've calmed down and are less emotional can you have a heart to heart with him???

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

Posted by shamrock124

Posted by nowords

He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"

Also edited in OP about another occasion

I think you both need to discuss discipline for your children. It sounds like you have two different ideas of what discipline should look like.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry

as an aunt of twins i have said things like this a few times when they are really being obnoxious and not listening to me. I do try the reasoning, asking kindly but i came from the school of if you don't listen after three warnings I would say touch it and i will give you a nice slap on the hand or better yet your butt. I never had to discipline them after giving them the final warning because saying it was all I needed to to snap them out.

DH might be used to saying things like that because that is how he was raised. Just like I was raised so it doesn't bother me saying stuff like that BUT YOUR upset over it and I would talk to DH and say you were embarrassed about it and would ask for him to try not to say that in public again.

Edit: as far as the pushing part. I would never accept or push a child down to show that they should do that. As i stated a little slap on a hand or butt is all i would do. This is me but i would sit down and have a discussion on discipline. As I said before - this is probably how he was raised as a child. He sees it as normal, for you not so and he might not realize it. So discuss!

Message edited 2/17/2010 11:29:53 AM.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

OK, I dont like that fact that he pushed her to teach her a lesson. Im all for a firm hand now and then, but at 3 I think it sends mixed messages and is VERY confusing to a kid.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

You are 100% in the right to be upset about this. I am upset just reading it and it isn't my child. You really need to sit down and have a talk to DH about what is acceptable discipline for a 3 year old.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

Posted by shamrock124

Posted by nowords

He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"

Also edited in OP about another occasion

I think you both need to discuss discipline for your children. It sounds like you have two different ideas of what discipline should look like.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

Posted by KateDevine

You aren't wrong, and I can understand being embarrassed, especially b/c he said it in public.

But...unless you feel like he would actually DO it, I think that we all say things that we don't mean sometimes and that it was frustrating to him in that instant and he slipped up...it happens

If this was a one time thing, I'd let it slide, he is probably embarrassed too

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

Posted by shamrock124

Posted by nowords

He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"

Also edited in OP about another occasion

I think you both need to discuss discipline for your children. It sounds like you have two different ideas of what discipline should look like.

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

OK about what you just added.. your DD will end up HATING your husband. He needs to be talked too!!! she needs to feel safe when she is with your DH!!!

Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE

After reading your EDITED POST, I think it *may* be a pattern for him to react like that. I think you guys might want to sit down and talk about it...maybe find a way he can handle the situation better. Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing is wrong until its too late...I know it might be premature to say this, but getting counseling on his ways to react with being angry might be helpful