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nowords
LIF Zygote
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by rojerono
Posted by shamrock124
Posted by nowords
He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"
Also edited in OP about another occasion
I think you both need to discuss discipline for your children. It sounds like you have two different ideas of what discipline should look like.
Agreed... your update makes this a little more concerning to me. Does he have anger issues outside of child discipline?
He does have anger issues and a short temper... He does not think he's done anything worng and if I try to tell him that I think the way he's handling things is wrong he tells me "too bad, I have a say in how we disipline the kids" or "you do it your way, I'll do it mine"
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Posted 2/17/10 11:26 AM  |
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Ophelia
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by nowords
if I try to tell him that I think the way he's handling things is wrong he tells me "too bad, I have a say in how we disipline the kids" or "you do it your way, I'll do it mine"
uh, no dude. that is NOT how it works.
you both need to decide how "far" you want to go. you both need to be comfortable.
honestly, if my husband disciplined my son in a way I was uncomfortable with, there would be SERIOUS problems. to ME, in my home, b/c I was subject to "overzealous" discipline, that would be divorce worthy.
nip it in the bud.
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:29 AM |
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CookiePuss
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by nowords
Posted by rojerono
Posted by shamrock124
Posted by nowords
He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"
Also edited in OP about another occasion
I think you both need to discuss discipline for your children. It sounds like you have two different ideas of what discipline should look like.
Agreed... your update makes this a little more concerning to me. Does he have anger issues outside of child discipline?
He does have anger issues and a short temper... He does not think he's done anything worng and if I try to tell him that I think the way he's handling things is wrong he tells me "too bad, I have a say in how we disipline the kids" or "you do it your way, I'll do it mine"
With that type of attitude and not working together...nothing will ever work and the kids will learn how to play you guys against each other.
You need to discuss it and come to an agreement that works for both of you. That may mean both of you have to compromise on some things.
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:29 AM |
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nowords
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/09 9 total posts
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by nowords
if I try to tell him that I think the way he's handling things is wrong he tells me "too bad, I have a say in how we disipline the kids" or "you do it your way, I'll do it mine"
uh, no dude. that is NOT how it works.
you both need to decide how "far" you want to go. you both need to be comfortable.
honestly, if my husband disciplined my son in a way I was uncomfortable with, there would be SERIOUS problems. to ME, in my home, b/c I was subject to "overzealous" discipline, that would be divorce worthy.
nip it in the bud.
I've arranged for a legal consultation anyway as our marriage is basically over due to various other reasons
To the poster who asked: he has never laid a hand on me
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:33 AM |
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Celt
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Did your MIL voice any opinion on this since she witnessed it??? Maybe she can help show him that while his intentions are good, the way he's going about it is all wrong???? (Assuming she was horrified by it as well...)
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:33 AM |
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brownie
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
After reading more of what you wrote, it REALLY sounds like he has some anger issues. The good thing is that you're recognizing this early on. If it were me, I would nip this in the bud but stating we HAVE to go to therapy together or he goes by himself to learn how to deal with his anger. I honestly think him reacting to your children like that will lead to a lifetime of resentment, and may pull your family apart. I would sit down and tell him the severity of his actions, how they're affecting you etc and to continue, this has to be worked on. You can say you understand you're different people, it will take time to change to more positive behaviors, but what he is doing now is UNACCEPTABLE and you won't stand by while he hurts the kids, physically and maybe verbally too.
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:34 AM |
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nowords
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/09 9 total posts
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by colette
Did your MIL voice any opinion on this since she witnessed it??? Maybe she can help show him that while his intentions are good, the way he's going about it is all wrong???? (Assuming she was horrified by it as well...)
She didn't say boo... All I saw was a shocked look on her face. She would never say anything to him. My DH is real good at convincing people he's right
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:35 AM |
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eroxgirl
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I have to echo what some other people have already said... he's disciplining by being a bully. I was raised by a bully so this hits a little close to home.
He can be pigheaded and do things "his way" but the end result will be, as others have said, his children will fear him. They will NOT respect him.
Eventually the fear wears off and then he's left with nothing.
You can be a strict, no nonsense parent without resorting to violence or threats of violence. Empty threats don't work for very long anyway, and acting on those threats is even worse.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'd tear my DH to shreds (at home, in private) if I were in your shoes, and I usually don't interfere with my DH's parenting at all, but I have a much worse temper than he does so there's never been a need.
For the emotional health of his children and for his relationship with his children, your DH needs to learn a new way.
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:35 AM |
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MrsPJB2007
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by nowords
I've arranged for a legal consultation anyway as our marriage is basically over due to various other reasons
To the poster who asked: he has never laid a hand on me
Very sorry to hear about this. 
Perhaps because of the other issues in the marriage he is having such a nasty attitude about the disciplining as a way of getting back at you? As if this is something where he is gonna do it HIS way and you do it YOUR way cause that's the only thing he's controlling right now, in an effort to hurt and spite you?
That's totally wrong, and your DD does not deserve to be put in the middle like that. Discipline is something that has to be agreed upon by both parents, not just a separate thing, because the child will end up pitting you guys against each other all the time as she gets older.
Hope whatever happens with your relationship, that this can be resolved between the two of you.
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:37 AM |
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Ophelia
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Message edited 2/17/2010 1:19:16 PM.
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:41 AM |
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BaroqueMama
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Not right to say at all, but I've definitely said things that have just slipped out and regretted immensely, so I can't really fault him for that.
The pushing her down and hitting her head, that sounds really extreme to me, honestly.
It sounds like he is overwhelmed and frustrated. He probably has no idea how to handle it and is making some pretty irrational parenting choices with his words and actions. I know that when I get extremely overwhelmed or my husband does, we tend to say or do things that are out of character, then we sit down and talk about what we're doing as parents that's not working and how we can change it.
If your husband is normally a reasonable person whom doesn't have anger issues, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. In any case, I'd sit down and have a long talk about how to handle rambunctious toddlers and how you can both do a better job at dealing with it (I say both because I know my husband is much more open to hearing what I ahve to say to him if I take some ownership as well ).
ETA: I just now read the rest of the post and if you're considering a divorce, I'd bet the things I wrote above probably are not even appropriate actions anymore. I'm sorry
Message edited 2/17/2010 11:54:55 AM.
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| Posted 2/17/10 11:52 AM |
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dawnygirl25
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by shamrock124
Posted by nowords
He does not think he was wrong and that " she needs to learn"
Also edited in OP about another occasion
I think you both need to discuss discipline for your children. It sounds like you have two different ideas of what discipline should look like.
ITA
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| Posted 2/17/10 12:00 PM |
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Shelly
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I'm sorry, but his response is totally inapprorpriate-to you, to his children.
Your DH sounds to me like a big bully. While its wrong to bully adults, its damaging to bully children. There are tons of other ways to get your point across: time out, taking her out of the store, depriving her of something she wants. Threatening physical violence (besides a spank) is NEVER OK- certainly not breaking a hand.
Another BAD parenting technique is making theats and not following through. He better not follow through with that threat.
I would document these incidents down- ESPECIALLY if you are considering divorce. These can be very helpful in custody hearings.
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| Posted 2/17/10 12:05 PM |
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QuoteTheRaven424
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
From the dad's POV, I have two problems with what he did.
- The threat itself. I don't believe in making threats you're not going to carry through on. Of course, if you thought he WOULD do that, that's an entirely different matter.
- Doing it in public. People are very sensitive today when it comes to kids - probably moreso than ever. One phone call to CPS and you're in world of trouble.
As for hitting as a form of discipline, I don't have a problem with it, neither does DW, but only if it's in the following circumstance.
- They're doing something that can cause them to get seriously hurt, and they've been warned repeatedly not to do it.
For example, we have a flat screen TV and we have a structure that blocks it, but they have found a way to move the structure and get to the TV. We'll tell them verbally to get away from it to avoid electric shock or the TV falling over. Sometimes, they'll go back 3, 4, 5 times. At that point, they might get a smack on the behind, open-hand and not extremely hard, but enough that it gets the point across, and always over clothes. This also applies to climbing/standing on chairs and touching wires. The place is child-proofed but these things do happen occasionally. We always follow it by hugs and calming down.
Pushing the kid over to illustrate a point is pointless IMO and like others have said, playing the physical card too much will cause more fear and less respect.
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| Posted 2/17/10 12:10 PM |
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Ian&EmmesMommy23
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
you are not wrong. i was raised in a house where i was NEVER hit or threatened so I am FULLY against any type of violence as a way of getting your point across. i would be more upset that he pushed your DD. that was an actual physical action where the other was verbal. both wrong IMO, but i would be more mad about the pushing. i would sit down with your DH and express this to him. Did you guys ever talk about this before having kids? how you would handle punishments? i know before DS was born i made it very clear to DH that he will never lay a hand on our children. i know im speaking passionately about this, but its a topic i feel strongly about. this is all my opinion tho!! its obviously upsetting you so you need to say something. and obviously its not how he was raised considering his mother was shocked as well.
good luck!! 
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| Posted 2/17/10 12:15 PM |
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CrankyPants
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I think he has no idea how to effectively discipline a child-I'm sorry he isn't a better teammate for you
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| Posted 2/17/10 12:15 PM |
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MrsBurtch525
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Taryn
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Your not wrong at all, i would feel the exact same way. For a 3 year old, i think that is a little agressive. The whole thing about him pushing her and her hitting her head against the easel..i feel bad. Maybe you should talk to him about how he parents, especially since your DD is 3 years old, i don't think she is old enough to understand. JMHO.
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| Posted 2/17/10 12:17 PM |
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littlejoy06
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I'm really disturb about him pushing her down more than the yelling. I know he was probaby just trying to prove a point, but to push a 3 year old? Not right.
Did he feel bad about his actions or just rolled his eyes?
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| Posted 2/17/10 12:25 PM |
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CucumberGirl
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by littlejoy06
I'm really disturb about him pushing her down more than the yelling. I know he was probaby just trying to prove a point, but to push a 3 year old? Not right.
This is what bothered me too. I know words can be abusive but we all have our moments (as will our DCs when they tell us they hate us in their teenage years) and as long as they're just fleeting moments and not a pattern, it's worth a talk but not major action. I'm also not opposed to spanking or tough-love discipline (my DD is only 4 weeks old so I can't judge at this point even though I will probably not go this route myself) but pushing a child and the way he did it, not unlike a bullying kid - that's just not right and inappropriate for a parent. Even though your marriage may be ending, I would still talk to him because this is how he's going to discipline her when he has her on the weekends and you won't be there to stop him.
Message edited 2/17/2010 1:09:28 PM.
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| Posted 2/17/10 1:08 PM |
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Stacey1403
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Do you know if his father used that type of discipline with him when he was small? His mother's reaction makes me think maybe he did. He needs some type of parent training, especially if there will be a divorce and he will have your children on his own. If he is already pushing a 3 year old into furniture it will probably get worse
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| Posted 2/17/10 1:14 PM |
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nowords
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/09 9 total posts
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
thank you all....Im in tears thinking about the tough road ahead of me
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| Posted 2/17/10 1:15 PM |
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brownie
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
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| Posted 2/17/10 1:18 PM |
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Palebride
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
I can't add anything that hasn't already been said....so I'll just give you some of thsee!
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| Posted 2/17/10 1:20 PM |
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littlejoy06
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by nowords
thank you all....Im in tears thinking about the tough road ahead of me
 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would just try to be there everytime your DH is with your DD. I'm very nervous for her. And this is NOT your fault, I just want you to know this. You're not the one that is abusing your child, just be there for her.
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| Posted 2/17/10 1:21 PM |
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pinkandblue
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Re: Need opinions... in hiding sorry... ADDED MORE
Posted by Ophelia
honestly, if my husband disciplined my son in a way I was uncomfortable with, there would be SERIOUS problems. to ME, in my home, b/c I was subject to "overzealous" discipline, that would be divorce worthy.
same here, that would be a deal breaker (I was NOT subjected to "overzealous discipline" while growing up)
Which is why when DH threatened to "get the belt" , I told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever laid hands on our kids, I would be at the lawyers office (I am not talking about a little spank for chewing on electrical cords or playing with the stove - I am talking about excessive corporal punisment)
good luck
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| Posted 2/17/10 2:34 PM |
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