Dads and Playdates

OK...I know this came up a few weeks back in regards to a poster's husband attending a playdate with his child and it being "weird".

I have a question.

My DH is a complete 50/50 parent with me. We share all responsibility, activities, blah-blah, etc. He is a great laid back guy, we have a really good marriage, and enjoy doing activities together...we just have a unique situation when I am the one who works in the city and travels for business.

When we are both working, he gets out at 4 pm and I drop off Bella at school in the AM and don't get home until 7 pm at the earliest (she is in after school program)

In the winters (when construction is slow), DH tends to actually be off a lot, so he does b-day parties and pick-up at the bell). This winter I kept encouraging/pestering him to set up playdates for Bella, as she is an only child and sometimes I worry about it and it's very hard for me to do playdates like the SAHM's do. He finally reached out to a mom of one of her classmates who I actually have had many conversations with in regards to school happenings. She never called back.

DH and I then attended a classmate's birthday party one Friday night a few weeks later (I came home early for this purpose of getting to know some ladies with DH) and she apologized TO ME for not returning the call -- DH was standing right next to me. Then she proceeded to look AT ME while I tried to broker a playdate (telling her that he was the one who was home after school) and she said she would call ME.

The playdate never happened and DH is back at work.

I finally had a couple of playdates on the weekends.

What is the deal though? Do we really live in the old school mentality that men don't do these things? I feel badly but there really is just so much time that I have...and I feel like Bella misses out sometimes.

Message edited 3/7/2011 12:06:32 PM.

Message edited 9/1/2011 11:04:50 AM.

Re: Dads and Playdates

I see your point Barb...but it makes me sad.

Our DH's are similar (Union guys) so I know you get my situation a bit...but it still makes me sad.

Why does the parent with a vagina make them more trustworthy??

Re: Dads and Playdates

Of the 10 or so kids who are walkers in DD's class there are 3 kids whose dads pick them up on a pretty regular basis. I know a lot of the other kids have playdates with them. My DD isn't one of them, she refuses to go on a playdate if just the dad is going to be around. But she's got pretty severe anxiety issues and has a hard time around men for some reason that we haven't quite figured out yet. It took her months to get comfortable with the idea of having a male PE teacher. She really doesn't even like me being in another room if one of her uncles or grandfathers are with her.

I hope it gets easier for you guys soon.

ETA: I realize this sounds like a man did something untoward to her in the past, but really nothing has ever happened. She doesn't like being around women she's not familiar with either. She needs to REALLY be comfortable with someone before she'll consider spending time with them, kid, adults, men, women, doesn't really matter.

Message edited 3/7/2011 2:09:32 PM.

Message edited 9/1/2011 11:05:02 AM.

Re: Dads and Playdates

I think it is just assumed that females arrange playdates. My husband would never in a million yrs suggest to a mom "hey let's get the kids together" to a dad maybe (but I doubt it). I've gone on playdates where there is only a dad because Mom is working but that's only because I know the family very well.

If a dad I didn't know wanted me to bring one of my kids for a playdate, I'd make it for when DH could take them.

I wanted to add if it was my post you were referring to the only reason I felt it was weird is because DH never met this woman and I don't know her that well either. It was pushy of her to suggest DH bring him after I told her I couldn't which is what I thought was weird also not the fact that there would be a mom and a dad not a mom and a mom at the playdate.

Re: Dads and Playdates

My DH's friend is a union guy - An electrician who has been in various states of furlough the last 2 years. I have playdates with him all the tme. If he comes over unannounced (his dad lives across the street), then I call my DH and say so and so is here. For me, there is nothing weird about it, but it may be because I know him, and he's great dad. I trust him with my girls 100%.
I think you just have to keep trying with the moms so that they feel more comfortable with your DH.
What about in your neighborhood? Where the parents know both of you?

Re: Dads and Playdates

Wow. I find this so weird. DH is a cop and makes his own schedule, which he arranges around our kids' schedule. He has done this since #1 was born. I work full time and am not home during the day. He does 90% of all "mommy duties" including playdates. Never has he felt unwelcome or shunned and no one has ever avoided or declined a playdate with one of our kids, and I think it's terrible that a hands on daddy is made to feel that way.

Re: Dads and Playdates

Posted by PatsBrat

Wow. I find this so weird. DH is a cop and makes his own schedule, which he arranges around our kids' schedule. He has done this since #1 was born. I work full time and am not home during the day. He does 90% of all "mommy duties" including playdates. Never has he felt unwelcome or shunned and no one has ever avoided or declined a playdate with one of our kids, and I think it's terrible that a hands on daddy is made to feel that way.

Re: Dads and Playdates

All right...I'll say it. While I would have absolutely no problem with my DD having a playdate at my house with me and a friend's dad, I would NEVER allow her to have such a playdate at someone's house without me there (obviously, with the exception of a few people who I have known forever).

It is certainly not because I do not consider them good parents or less trustworthy etc (DH is a very hands on dad). However, statistically speaking men are many times more likely to be child molesters than women are. I know it may be a remote possibility (although 1 in 5 women are victims of sexual abuse at some point in their lives), I really could not do it.

As a result of this question I asked DH his thoughts and (likely because he is married to a lawyer) he says he would not want to babysit another girl because of any liability involved lest any actions however innocuous be misconstrued.

I agree that this is unfair for all the good dads out there but unfortunately bad things happen in this world and there is no way to know.

Re: Dads and Playdates

I think part of it will always be the men=child molester scenario, but I also think you might have just had some bad luck as well with certain parents. I would not agree with a drop off play date for my DD with just a Dad, UNLESS I knew him already. There are 2 of my DDs friends that I have seen the Dads often at school functions, pick up, parties, and have gotten to know them and have let my DD go on playdate where they were the parent home at the time. So if your DH is at the school and chatting with the mom's I do think you will find some parents that are open to playdates. I will also say for us K was the start of playdates and we were all just learning the 'rules' and etiquette. But now in 1st grade everyone seems more laid back and comfortable.

Re: Dads and Playdates

My kids have had many playdates with my dh home or have gone to a friends house with the dad home and no problems on either end. Maybe because we are comfortable with the families of the playdates?

Re: Dads and Playdates

DH is fully involved with DS. DS was invited to a playdate this weekend. I am working. DH will go with DS.

BUT, it's at a public place and I am assuming it's his all school class (it's only a 7 kid class).

So DH will go.

At someone's home? No, while I trust my DH, I know women would be freaked out to have a dad go to playdate and make them uncomfortable.

Just like I don't have my mother helper come help with DS when DH is alone in the house.

It's just easier that way. Sad but it's reality!

Re: Dads and Playdates

DH has taken DD to a party if I can't go, no issues.

But as for actual playdates, he does the ones with the dads, I do the ones with moms. We do the family ones together. It's just how it works out.

Re: Dads and Playdates

Posted by PatsBrat

Wow. I find this so weird. DH is a cop and makes his own schedule, which he arranges around our kids' schedule. He has done this since #1 was born. I work full time and am not home during the day. He does 90% of all "mommy duties" including playdates. Never has he felt unwelcome or shunned and no one has ever avoided or declined a playdate with one of our kids, and I think it's terrible that a hands on daddy is made to feel that way.