Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

I am so sorry. My heart hurts while reading this. I just lost my dad 4 months ago to cancer. They should know. I would just sit with them and be extremely honest. It's okay to be upset, angry..but I would show them how you are feeling. Just from past experience....I wanted to know everything that was going on step by step. No one is ever ready to hear the news that someone they love is sick, and no matter how sick a family member is..no one is ever ready to say goodbye to them. Just be there for each other...that will get you through this

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

My heart breaks for you and your family. I will keep you all in my prayers. I pray that God grants you strength and peace.

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Thank you everyone. I just read through all of your comments and they truly meant a lot to me. I couldn't get past the first page the other day as I was in such tears. Tears of thankfulness for your kindness and caring.

Tonight I not only read every post, but I took notes as I know that you are right about so many things. I will be talking with DH to try to plan how to break the news to our daughter, age 31, and our son, age 24. We do not want to tell them until after our son takes an important exam on Friday and gets done with a symposium he's worked to put together all summer that takes place next Wednesday. Once he is past those milestones, we will speak to them together as they are very close. Gathering here in our home will probably be the best way.

I went to NY Hospital Weill Cornell for a second opinion and have decided to stay with the wonderful doctor we were recommended to there. He was so compassionate and has promised to stay with and care for me until the end of my life.

While I know Memorial Sloan Kettering is an outstanding cancer center, it can sometimes be impersonal. I went there for breast cancer surgery three years ago and had a fabulous experience. I would recommend my surgeon to anyone. Oncology was another story, so I went elsewhere for chemotherapy, though I returned to MSK for radiation. This time was not very different. Certain doctors were caring, others treated me as if I were just a number. As what I have this time is so awful, I wanted people who at least looked me in the eyes when they spoke to me and who did not make me feel as if I were taking up their valuable time.

The MSK social worker sent in to talk to us right after I was told I possibly had 8 - 12 months to live depending on what course of action I took, actually was sarcastic to me when I was asking about therapy for my family. My DH and I were shocked. We stood up and left her sitting in the room. We had no more to say to her.

Weill Cornell was different world, though my diagnosis and prognosis was no different. We were immediately enveloped in a caring atmosphere and offered every sort of support. The social worker I was sent to was lovely. I am to start a chemotherapy that will not change the outcome - I will still die from pancreatic cancer - but, if I am among the 60% that respond to the medicine, it might make my pain subside, shrink my tumor which has metastasized quickly, and perhaps slow its progress a bit.

It seems that I will not qualify for any trials - MSK told me the same thing - as I also have an indolent form of Lymphoma which might skew the results. OTOH, I can still be given different therapies if the one I am about to try doesn't work. We shall see. Quality of life matters to me. I would rather spend a shorter time happy with my family, than a longer time, sick from chemo and unable to enjoy life.

Meanwhile, we are hoping that our updated wills will soon be ready to sign and I am going to a funeral home tomorrow morning to preplan whatever I decide I want. Such a strange thought. I am also realizing that there is a boat-load of things to be considered and planned for. Like, what do I do about my vegetable garden? Till it over and seed it with grass this fall? DH will never use it and I want to lessen his load, not add to it. Get the car's serviced before starting chemo? Checked that chore off the list - we are taking them in tomorrow afternoon. That sort of ordinary day to day stuff.

Ordinary day to day stuff sounds so nice, doesn't it? It does to me, now, anyway. I wonder about how many more full moons I will see? There is no knowing.

Thank you again everyone. Give your family extra hugs and tell them you love them and you are proud of them. Someone said to say that and it is such good advice. I do tell my kids I am so proud of them. I don't tell DH that, and I need to. Why do we hold such simple but valuable words back? Perhaps we expect people to just know that we feel that way? I need to think about that.

Message edited 9/3/2015 12:03:36 AM.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

omg I am in tears reading this. I hope you get exactly what you ask for. A loving peaceful fulfilled rest of life. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You are a very strong person and you worrying about everyone and the everyday things shows just how loving and strong you are. I wish you a pain free course of action. Don't give up. try and live life to the fullest and create wonderful memories for your loved ones. I'm crying as I type this.

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

I'm so sorry to hear this--you're so brave and I wish you the best in your fight!
It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and children, and you've been blessed with their love. I would write them each a letter so they have it forever, and let them know how proud you are and how you love them.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

You are such a strong and beautiful person.
Your family sounds like they are very close knit. They are so lucky to have you as an inspiration. I am sending you & your family many, many thoughts & prayers.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

I'm glad you found care you deserve during this time. I'll pray for your strength and peace with the decisions you need to make. Cancer is a big fat mutha f ucker.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

We had the same experience at Sloane with my Dad. I wish we had taken him somewhere else. Best of luck to you. Keep hope alive. Miracles happen every day.

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Reading your post is breaking my heart. You seem like such a selfless caring person. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

I am in tears reading this...you are an amazing woman. Seriously. Why not till the vegetable garden over and plant some flowers that are special to you - maybe ones that attract butterflies and that way your husband and kids can sit out there and talk about you. Maybe even do a handprint rock with all of your handprints - it might bring them some comfort in the years to come to sit there and see your actual handprint. I am seriously in awe of you and how you are handling yourself during this time.

Have you thought about writing letters to your kids and your husband that they can open before an important event. I know it will be difficult to write but I imagine worthwhile.

Wishing you the strength to enjoy each and ever precious daily moment - your post has made me realize that I need to do the same.

Message edited 9/3/2015 10:41:01 AM.

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

I am crying reading your words. I must tell you how much I admire your strength and courage. I am in awe of how you are dealing with this horrible news. You are truly an amazing woman. I will be praying for you and your loved ones.

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

You sound like such a beautiful person. I pray that you fulfill all you want in the next months to come. I pray you see sunsets, sunrises, moons and shooting stars. I pray that you are surrounded by caring doctors and nurses that hold your hand down this road. Lastly I pray for you. I do not know you, but your story really touches my heart to tears. God bless your sweet life.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Sending prayers to you and your family. You seem to be thinking very logically. I hope that you are able to enjoy the time you have left here with your husband and children and cherish every moment while building memories with those you love.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

so very sorry to read this... sending prayers your way

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

I am very sorry that you are facing this. You are courageous. I will be praying for you and for your family.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

So so sorry for what is happening to you. Many prayers to you and your family.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Posted by beachgirl

I am in tears reading this...you are an amazing woman. Seriously. Why not till the vegetable garden over and plant some flowers that are special to you - maybe ones that attract butterflies and that way your husband and kids can sit out there and talk about you. Maybe even do a handprint rock with all of your handprints - it might bring them some comfort in the years to come to sit there and see your actual handprint. I am seriously in awe of you and how you are handling yourself during this time.

Have you thought about writing letters to your kids and your husband that they can open before an important event. I know it will be difficult to write but I imagine worthwhile.

Wishing you the strength to enjoy each and ever precious daily moment - your post has made me realize that I need to do the same.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

This is a terribly sad post to read. I don't even have words. I did not read through all of the replies.

I can just share that my mom had cancer when I was 19/20 and went into remission. For the next several years she appeared healthy, moved out of the country and never followed up with an oncologist. When she came to visit the US early 2001 we knew she wasn't well but she refused to go to a doctor. She died back outside of the country at the end of 2001 less than a month after my 26th bday. We had no warning. She was apparently only very sick for a month prior to her death. She was with my aunt and grandmother and no one told us to come see her until it was too late.

To answer your post please tell them ASAP and it's okay to be matter of fact about it and all will fall into place after that.

Message edited 9/4/2015 7:52:36 AM.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

I am so incredibly sorry and sending you, your children and husband so many prayers, nothing I am typing seems adequate, I am truly truly sorry.

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

My heart breaks for you and your family. But reading your words here shows what an incredible person you are. I hope you get to enjoy many more special moments with your family. But most of all, I wish you peace.

Message edited 9/4/2015 8:20:54 AM.

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Your strength is astounding. I wish you love and peace and many many days of happy moments with your loved ones.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Posted by ANewDayHasCome

I'm so incredibly sorry. There are no words.

As someone who lost my mother to cancer I unfortunately can relate to this situation. I had just turned 27 and my mother just turned 58 when she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. At the time I wasn't in reality. Even in the end when she was under comfort care (similar to hospice). From the time she was diagnosed in October to her passing only 4 months later in February we did not talk of her dying. Deep down I'm sure my mother knew that was the end, but as for me and my father...we were fighting and didn't let our minds go there.

I never once had any conversations with my mother. I wish I did. I wish she wrote me letters to have in my life. A life had only just started. I wasn't yet married, hadn't even met my now husband then. Hadn't had children, I now have two beautiful girls.

As for your dh, look into cancer care for free counseling..individual or group. Support groups at your local jcc.

Take a trip. Build memories. Write letters. Take lots of video. Give lots of hugs.

Message edited 9/4/2015 1:26:03 PM.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

It is so completely unfair that you have to go through this. As others have stated, it would be wonderful for your children and husband to have videos and letters to remember you by. Also, someone else mentioned making your garden into a place where your children and husband can visit to remember you. I love the idea of putting all of your hand prints into stone.

I hope you get everything you want in the time time you have left.

Re: How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Your bravery and strength is unbelievably admirable.You sound like a truly beautiful person. I wish you nothing but peaceful days and many more full moons with your loved ones. Blessings and prayers for you...

How to tell others you are terminally ill?

Thank all of you for caring. I am taking to heart the good advice so generously given. Maybe doing something together as a family would be good. I will bring that up after we have the first hard talk. I truly am so sorry for those of you who lost your parents at such young ages. It must have been very difficult. I was fortunate to have had mine almost all of my life, and it was hard losing her then.

I just wanted to say that on the good advice of several people here, I made a point, first thing yesterday morning, of telling my husband that I love him and am so very proud of him, and proud of all he has done throughout our marriage. It was the one of the hardest things I have ever done, which makes no sense. I kept tearing up and finding myself unable to get the most important words out clearly so had to repeat them several times, but I felt good afterwards. So at peace that I had put feelings that hadn't been said enough these past few years into words that I know meant a lot to him. It was made harder by seeing him tear up and his strong face crumple as I spoke. But, as someone said. It is so very important to say these things while we can so that people can remember them after we are gone. We just assume people know. They may, but saying it clearly is far better than assuming.

A dear friend of mine aches because her father never once in his life told her he loved her. I know he must have, but he never brought himself to say it and that has left an emptiness in her that hurts years after he died as she loved him very much.

On a happier note, my son just texted that he passed his last exam today! He's coming to stay with us this weekend which will be such a pleasure as we haven't seen him in a few weeks. However, we aren't telling him until next weekend because he has a special business event set up for this Wednesday and I don't want to upset him after all of the work he has put into arranging it.

We have decided to ask both of our grown kids to meet with us next weekend as we are updating our wills (which we are) and we need to talk with them. We will tell them everything then, with no sugar coating - just as so many of you advised. I will be starting chemo a few days after that. It will not cure me, I know that, but if I am among the 60% that respond to it, it may help reduce my discomfort and slow the spread and growth of my tumors.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. It is so much appreciated.

Message edited 9/4/2015 5:06:18 PM.