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FirstMate
My lil cowboy
Member since 10/10 7790 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
I am in a similar situation.
Like you, I have tremendous concern and guilt about the amount of time my 3 and 4 year olds are on electronics. They have turned into gaming junkies. It's insane. BUT..it's the only way I can survive. If I take away the devices, I can't work. Perfect example: I kicked everyone out today. It was a beautiful day out. My one son was screaming because the other whacked him with the whiffle ball bat, the other is screaming because he got a soccer ball to the face...its non-stop interruption. Who needs a snack? Who needs a butt wiped? Who needs a bandaid? When they are on their devices, I don't hear a peep. It's awful how much they are watching but I can't keep working all day and then late into the night. I'm not sleeping at all.
My DH is definitely not happy about how much they are on devices but he understands I need to keep them occupied. The minute he gets home, he shuts it down and engages with them. Some days he can't because he has his own stuff to do. It's really a tough situation.
I recently hired a babysitter. It's a college kid who has been home self quarantining. Her mom is allowing her to come help me. It has been a HUGE game changer. Is that something you can consider?
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Posted 5/7/20 8:13 PM  |
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newlywedT
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/11 792 total posts
Name:
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Try to discipline the kids?
>>God bless you living in a 1 bedroom apt with kids. I can barely live in a 3 bedroom with kids lol.
Not much choice. My wife wants to live in the city so that she can at least see the kids in the morning and at night before they sleep.
If we lived outside of NYC she would leave before they wake and arrive after they are asleep.
Even now (we live about a 20 min walk from her office) half the time she arrives home around 8pm and she has to go straight to putting the kids to sleep (and then log in to do more work).
>>but the whole situation is stressful, for us and for him, so why not? This shall pass
Yeah, true.
>>Ps are the kids doing remote learning? Who is helping with that?
They are supposed to but they are not doing it.
My son is supposed to have 2 zoom sessions a day (1 classroom and 1 for services) but he won't sit for it. My wife tried to get him to sit for his Speech service (it was with another kid also) and he wouldn't look at the screen and kept trying to get up so finally the therapist said "you can just log off" - I guess he was distracting the other kid too thats why.
My daughter is not doing her work either. My wife logged DD into a zoom session last week then she had to jump on a concall. After the call she came out and DD was just sitting there staring at the ipad and there was nothing happening on the screen. Apparently the session ended but DD wasn't paying attention and didn't know what was happening.
If my wife (or I) was not working we could sit with them and try to get them to focus, but since we are working then we cannot do that.
>>Is that something you can consider?
Not sure how my wife would feel about it because she doesn't know the area/people and not sure how she would feel because we don't really know how strict they were quarantining.
Thanks again every for the posts - good and bad, well not so much the bad, lol.
I think I just come across wrong, I (like to think) have good intentions but it doesn't come across like that. For example tonight I asked my wife what she ate for dinner:
wife - salad, I've been eating more salads lately, with some rice and veggies
me - what about protein? you need to eat protein every meal, its important for your health
wife - well yeah, there was the usual chicken
but as I was saying it I was thinking if I posted it, would people think I'm criticizing her choice of food? but that wasn't my intention, I just want her to eat some protein because its good for you. (I'm NOT saying you HAVE TO EAT meat, could be beans, but some protein is important)
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| Posted 5/7/20 9:07 PM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7274 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by newlywedT
>>God bless you living in a 1 bedroom apt with kids. I can barely live in a 3 bedroom with kids lol.
Not much choice. My wife wants to live in the city so that she can at least see the kids in the morning and at night before they sleep.
If we lived outside of NYC she would leave before they wake and arrive after they are asleep.
Even now (we live about a 20 min walk from her office) half the time she arrives home around 8pm and she has to go straight to putting the kids to sleep (and then log in to do more work).
>>but the whole situation is stressful, for us and for him, so why not? This shall pass
Yeah, true.
>>Ps are the kids doing remote learning? Who is helping with that?
They are supposed to but they are not doing it.
My son is supposed to have 2 zoom sessions a day (1 classroom and 1 for services) but he won't sit for it. My wife tried to get him to sit for his Speech service (it was with another kid also) and he wouldn't look at the screen and kept trying to get up so finally the therapist said "you can just log off" - I guess he was distracting the other kid too thats why.
My daughter is not doing her work either. My wife logged DD into a zoom session last week then she had to jump on a concall. After the call she came out and DD was just sitting there staring at the ipad and there was nothing happening on the screen. Apparently the session ended but DD wasn't paying attention and didn't know what was happening.
If my wife (or I) was not working we could sit with them and try to get them to focus, but since we are working then we cannot do that.
)
It is truly impossible. My DH and I are also working crazy hours and trying to keep our DD entertained. It’s a nightmare. Like PP we have a babysitter come a few hours a day, mainly when we know we’ll both have calls at the same time for more than an hour. She also helps DD with her writing, sight words, etc.
I cannot fathom being in your wife’s position with zero help and 2 kids who need to zoom at specified times throughout the day while working. Really, I give her major, major credit.
Does she want you in NJ? If so I stand by my first response and think if she needs you there, you go.
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| Posted 5/7/20 9:17 PM |
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newlywedT
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/11 792 total posts
Name:
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Try to discipline the kids?
>>Does she want you in NJ?
She feels that I should stay and keep an eye on my dad.
First generation asians raised in an overbearing family - of course we have that in common lol.
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| Posted 5/7/20 10:42 PM |
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Katareen
5,000 Posts!
Member since 4/10 7180 total posts
Name:
Katherine
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Try to discipline the kids?
Where are your kids normally? Do you have a nanny?
I won’t lie, it’s going to be a huge challenge reeling in a 4&5 year old that have been able to yell and scream and tantrum to get whatever they want for 2+ months. Ultimately as parents you are both responsible for their behavior.
Can you hire a local teenager, college student, etc. to take the kids out? Even a daily walk, run around the yard, bike ride? Anything.
Moving forward can you and your wife work out a new schedule? It seems like you have no time with your wife. No time together as a family.
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| Posted 5/8/20 4:14 AM |
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ali120206
2 Boys
Member since 7/06 17792 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by FirstMate
I am in a similar situation.
Like you, I have tremendous concern and guilt about the amount of time my 3 and 4 year olds are on electronics. They have turned into gaming junkies. It's insane. BUT..it's the only way I can survive. If I take away the devices, I can't work. Perfect example: I kicked everyone out today. It was a beautiful day out. My one son was screaming because the other whacked him with the whiffle ball bat, the other is screaming because he got a soccer ball to the face...its non-stop interruption. Who needs a snack? Who needs a butt wiped? Who needs a bandaid? When they are on their devices, I don't hear a peep. It's awful how much they are watching but I can't keep working all day and then late into the night. I'm not sleeping at all.
My DH is definitely not happy about how much they are on devices but he understands I need to keep them occupied. The minute he gets home, he shuts it down and engages with them. Some days he can't because he has his own stuff to do. It's really a tough situation.
I recently hired a babysitter. It's a college kid who has been home self quarantining. Her mom is allowing her to come help me. It has been a HUGE game changer. Is that something you can consider?
Lol - a lot of this sounds like my life - especially the fighting when outside.
I think I may need to look into a babysitter as well. I have so much guilt about their time on electronics. I've been working insane hours (more than I usually have to work for some reason) and haven't been able to engage them. DH does sometimes but, he also works.
To the OP - it's hard to discipline remotely - I would just make some suggestions and see how it goes from there. I hope you get reunited with them soon!
Message edited 5/8/2020 4:45:54 AM.
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| Posted 5/8/20 4:44 AM |
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MrsDrMatt
Live and RUN like a Ninja!
Member since 5/06 3104 total posts
Name:
MrsDrMatt
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by newlywedT
The 2 big issues stopping me from going to NJ is:
1. I work about the same number of hours as my wife but I'm on about 5 hours of conference calls during the work day, thats why I have to log in at night to make up for the times I spend on conference calls.
2. Her brother works in a doctor's office, while he is practicing proper hygine I am hesistant to 'cross contaminate' when I come back to my dad's home. His health is not the greatest.
.
If her brother works in a doctor's office then i believe the choice for your wife and kids to stay there is extremely poor.
You mentioned that your daughter cannot stay at your father's due to eczema but I would rather my child be exposed to eczema than potentially to Covid-19. In addition I would NOT have my spouse in that house no matter what. I would rather hunker down in my small NYC apartment.
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| Posted 5/8/20 4:54 AM |
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FirstMate
My lil cowboy
Member since 10/10 7790 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
I think you should propose the babysitter idea to your wife. I bet she would be open to it if she is at max capacity. I mean, I don't think it really matters how meticulous someone has been quarantining if she is living with someone who works at a doctor's office. I would actually disclose THAT to a potential babysitter.
I got mine on my local moms FB group. There are a lot of college kids at home right now with nothing to do. Even if she has someone come 2-3 times a week for 3 hours to take them to play outside, it would be a world of difference. It's good for the kids too. This 20 year old girl was having Nerf wars, creating forts and rolling around on the floor with them. I only had the babysitter start on Wednesday and she is coming again today. My kids are pumped. And so is she because her mom doesn't let her leave the house other then to come babysit for me. What your wife is doing is not sustainable.
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| Posted 5/8/20 5:33 AM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10312 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by newlywedT
Thanks again every for the posts - good and bad, well not so much the bad, lol.
I think I just come across wrong, I (like to think) have good intentions but it doesn't come across like that. For example tonight I asked my wife what she ate for dinner:
wife - salad, I've been eating more salads lately, with some rice and veggies
me - what about protein? you need to eat protein every meal, its important for your health
wife - well yeah, there was the usual chicken
but as I was saying it I was thinking if I posted it, would people think I'm criticizing her choice of food? but that wasn't my intention, I just want her to eat some protein because its good for you. (I'm NOT saying you HAVE TO EAT meat, could be beans, but some protein is important)
Hmm idk if this story really helps. Yes protein is good for you, but not having it in a meal isn’t going to be detrimental. Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but the food conversation seems controlling or nitpicking. Do you do that often, question her choices?
As for your original question, your father is right there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. But you are also right, that I don’t think this should keep going on like this or else it will be a nightmare for your wife when this dies down and the kids are used to behaving this way. The only solution is to get her help or you go physically help her. Otherwise, there isn’t anything your wife can do. I feel for her!
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| Posted 5/8/20 6:10 AM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9511 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by newlywedT
The 2 big issues stopping me from going to NJ is:
1. I work about the same number of hours as my wife but I'm on about 5 hours of conference calls during the work day, thats why I have to log in at night to make up for the times I spend on conference calls.
2. Her brother works in a doctor's office, while he is practicing proper hygine I am hesistant to 'cross contaminate' when I come back to my dad's home. His health is not the greatest.
As for me being critical, that isn't my intention but I'm sure thats how it comes across to others and to my wife.
Could be my lack of social graces, but when someone is saying "XYZ is a problem" - shouldn't we give input or advice?
"If XYZ is a problem, have you tried doing ABC? Why not try DEF also"
when I complain to my friends - "Work sucked today because of...." - I don't mind if they tell me "Try doing this" or "You shouldn't phrase things that way, say this instead"
If they said "You're stupid because of this...." or "Doing this is dumb", I think thats different because they are saying something about ME. But if they say "Try this" its not an attack its just advice isn't it?
I always thought if they just said "yeah, that sucks" then its like they weren't even listening. But if they gave input or advice they're showing that they care enough to try help me solve the issue.
The is the main difference between men and women. If a woman is complaining to you, that's all she's doing. She doesn't want your advice. If she wanted your advice she would specifically ask for your advice. And to be honest, I think you should be putting your wife and kids above your dad right now. I can only imagine how stressful this is for your wife and then to have you trying to remote parent, no. Just no.
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| Posted 5/8/20 6:31 AM |
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valentinesbaby
LIF Adult
Member since 2/20 900 total posts
Name:
Valentines
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
May I ask what your wife does that she has to work so many hours? I can’t imagine working so much with kids. To me it is not worth the money to never seeing your kids or husband.
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| Posted 5/8/20 6:37 AM |
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SecretlyTTC14
LIF Adult
Member since 12/13 1770 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by Sash
Posted by newlywedT
Thanks again every for the posts - good and bad, well not so much the bad, lol.
I think I just come across wrong, I (like to think) have good intentions but it doesn't come across like that. For example tonight I asked my wife what she ate for dinner:
wife - salad, I've been eating more salads lately, with some rice and veggies
me - what about protein? you need to eat protein every meal, its important for your health
wife - well yeah, there was the usual chicken
but as I was saying it I was thinking if I posted it, would people think I'm criticizing her choice of food? but that wasn't my intention, I just want her to eat some protein because its good for you. (I'm NOT saying you HAVE TO EAT meat, could be beans, but some protein is important)
Hmm idk if this story really helps. Yes protein is good for you, but not having it in a meal isn’t going to be detrimental. Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but the food conversation seems controlling or nitpicking. Do you do that often, question her choices?
Exactly. She's a successful grown woman. You don't think she knows she needs protein? It's micromanaging and it would annoy the hell out of me. It doesn't sound like she's even asking you for suggestions, it sounds like your not happy with the way things are going and want to tell her what she should be doing.
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| Posted 5/8/20 7:14 AM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10312 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by SecretlyTTC14
Posted by Sash
Posted by newlywedT
Thanks again every for the posts - good and bad, well not so much the bad, lol.
I think I just come across wrong, I (like to think) have good intentions but it doesn't come across like that. For example tonight I asked my wife what she ate for dinner:
wife - salad, I've been eating more salads lately, with some rice and veggies
me - what about protein? you need to eat protein every meal, its important for your health
wife - well yeah, there was the usual chicken
but as I was saying it I was thinking if I posted it, would people think I'm criticizing her choice of food? but that wasn't my intention, I just want her to eat some protein because its good for you. (I'm NOT saying you HAVE TO EAT meat, could be beans, but some protein is important)
Hmm idk if this story really helps. Yes protein is good for you, but not having it in a meal isn’t going to be detrimental. Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but the food conversation seems controlling or nitpicking. Do you do that often, question her choices?
Exactly. She's a successful grown woman. You don't think she knows she needs protein? It's micromanaging and it would annoy the hell out of me. It doesn't sound like she's even asking you for suggestions, it sounds like your not happy with the way things are going and want to tell her what she should be doing.
I read it last night, and it rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t want to attack something else but it kept bugging me today.
Obviously this is my assumption, but it seems like the wife was saying she is trying to eat more healthy with salad and veggies, but then his comment comes across like that’s not good enough where’s the protein. It was very odd to me.
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| Posted 5/8/20 7:18 AM |
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SecretlyTTC14
LIF Adult
Member since 12/13 1770 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by Budjeg11
Omg!! You guys are always so Unecessarily hard on this guy and his posts! From the face of it it just sounds like he is asking about the future repurcussions of letting his kids be less disciplined now.
I don't read it that way at all. He clearly asked:
What do you all think?
Let them be free?
His posts on here are usually the same theme. Basically asking for validation and trying to confirm that his wife's way of doing things is wrong. Then he over-explains to show that he's actually very caring and his post just came out the wrong way.
The question is always posed as:
what she does (or thinks)
what he does (or thinks)
and asks our opinions
He wants to know who's right and who's wrong. It doesn't work that way. There are too many variables. I think for some of us, as wives and mothers, that's pretty irritating to read, especially since he isn't even around to help her. So even if there is a good suggestion made, he'll basically just call her and tell her what she has to start doing.
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| Posted 5/8/20 7:27 AM |
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SecretlyTTC14
LIF Adult
Member since 12/13 1770 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by Sash
Posted by SecretlyTTC14
Posted by Sash
Posted by newlywedT
Thanks again every for the posts - good and bad, well not so much the bad, lol.
I think I just come across wrong, I (like to think) have good intentions but it doesn't come across like that. For example tonight I asked my wife what she ate for dinner:
wife - salad, I've been eating more salads lately, with some rice and veggies
me - what about protein? you need to eat protein every meal, its important for your health
wife - well yeah, there was the usual chicken
but as I was saying it I was thinking if I posted it, would people think I'm criticizing her choice of food? but that wasn't my intention, I just want her to eat some protein because its good for you. (I'm NOT saying you HAVE TO EAT meat, could be beans, but some protein is important)
Hmm idk if this story really helps. Yes protein is good for you, but not having it in a meal isn’t going to be detrimental. Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but the food conversation seems controlling or nitpicking. Do you do that often, question her choices?
Exactly. She's a successful grown woman. You don't think she knows she needs protein? It's micromanaging and it would annoy the hell out of me. It doesn't sound like she's even asking you for suggestions, it sounds like your not happy with the way things are going and want to tell her what she should be doing.
I read it last night, and it rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t want to attack something else but it kept bugging me today.
Obviously this is my assumption, but it seems like the wife was saying she is trying to eat more healthy with salad and veggies, but then his comment comes across like that’s not good enough where’s the protein. It was very odd to me.
Yeah, it just rubs me the wrong way and I can't not respond. I get the sense that she is the breadwinner, so maybe micromanaging her or being able to tell her she's doing things wrong gives him the sense of power that he's maybe seeking. Either that or validation from strangers makes him feel better, because he seems to explain and explain until he gets someone to agree with him. I don't know, but I think it would be doing him a disservice to ignore what we notice. I feel bad that it comes off as an attack on this poster, but I think he needs to be more supportive and keep his suggestions to himself (unless he can be there to actually help).
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| Posted 5/8/20 7:37 AM |
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Budjeg11
LIF Adult
Member since 4/11 2644 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by SecretlyTTC14
Posted by Budjeg11
Omg!! You guys are always so Unecessarily hard on this guy and his posts! From the face of it it just sounds like he is asking about the future repurcussions of letting his kids be less disciplined now.
I don't read it that way at all. He clearly asked:
What do you all think?
Let them be free?
His posts on here are usually the same theme. Basically asking for validation and trying to confirm that his wife's way of doing things is wrong. Then he over-explains to show that he's actually very caring and his post just came out the wrong way.
The question is always posed as:
what she does (or thinks)
what he does (or thinks)
and asks our opinions
He wants to know who's right and who's wrong. It doesn't work that way. There are too many variables. I think for some of us, as wives and mothers, that's pretty irritating to read, especially since he isn't even around to help her. So even if there is a good suggestion made, he'll basically just call her and tell her what she has to start doing.
I hear you and trust me my husband is as critical as they come so I can be easily triggered but I still think of a woman or a mom were asking in the same manner as this dad is asking she would not receive the same kind of backlash . The response would likely be more supportive . That’s just my opinion.
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| Posted 5/8/20 7:59 AM |
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DancinBarefoot
06ers Rock!!
Member since 1/07 9534 total posts
Name:
The One My Mother Gave Me ;-)
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Try to discipline the kids?
Reading through this, here is my question to OP. If you were on a conference call and one of your kids started screaming in the background, what would you do? Would you pick up said kid? Would you hand over the Ipad (or whatever)? Would you mute the phone call and then turn around and scream at your kid until they were scared into submission? If your answer is I don't know, then trust that your wife is doing the best that she can, and when you are all together again there will be an adjustment period for rules etc., but the kids will fall into a routine. If for no other reason than they will eventually be in grade school and the school will place expectations on them.
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| Posted 5/8/20 11:20 AM |
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Bonsai
LIF Toddler
Member since 11/18 463 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by MrsDrMatt
Posted by newlywedT
The 2 big issues stopping me from going to NJ is:
1. I work about the same number of hours as my wife but I'm on about 5 hours of conference calls during the work day, thats why I have to log in at night to make up for the times I spend on conference calls.
2. Her brother works in a doctor's office, while he is practicing proper hygine I am hesistant to 'cross contaminate' when I come back to my dad's home. His health is not the greatest.
.
If her brother works in a doctor's office then i believe the choice for your wife and kids to stay there is extremely poor.
You mentioned that your daughter cannot stay at your father's due to eczema but I would rather my child be exposed to eczema than potentially to Covid-19. In addition I would NOT have my spouse in that house no matter what. I would rather hunker down in my small NYC apartment.
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| Posted 5/8/20 1:16 PM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7274 total posts
Name:
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Re: Try to discipline the kids?
Posted by valentinesbaby
May I ask what your wife does that she has to work so many hours? I can’t imagine working so much with kids. To me it is not worth the money to never seeing your kids or husband.
Judging from the other responses on this thread, it sounds like most of us are working this much with kids.
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| Posted 5/8/20 8:46 PM |
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