Issue w SDs mom

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this board. I just started posting on the "parenting" board bc I have a DS who is almost a year old.

Sorry if this is super long. My SO and I are not married, but his daughter is like my SD. And he and her mom have been separated for 8 years, but haven't officially divorced yet (a whole other issue). My SD is going to be 10 years old in a couple of weeks. Her mom isn't the most stable all of the time (she used to be addicted to pills and we are afraid she is again) and her and my SO get into fights a lot. It got to the point where they didn't talk to each other and only went through me. Which has been really hard. But my SO finally put his foot down about something minor yesterday and now my SDs mom is threatening to basically take her whenever she wants, even if it is one of our days to have her. Her mom has missed bringing my SD to, counting tomorrow, 4 of her counseling appointments in a row. She wanted me to call and reschedule even though they are on the days she is with her mom, and my SO said no, that she should call the counselor herself. So my SDs birthday falls on a Saturday (we have her) and her mom only noticed a few weeks ago and freaked out. Meanwhile, we didn't get to see her on her bday last year because she was at her moms house. And this year Christmas Eve and Christmas are on a weekend (our days again) and again, her mom freaked out. Now, I understand her wanting to spend time with her on those days. And we have no problem with it... until she starts in with the "I'm going to take her WHEN I want and bring her back when I want and there is nothing you can do about it." All bc she is ****** off; I feel like it is totally out of spite.
Then she went on to say that if my SO has a problem with it, then he can take her to court bc technically there is no court appointed visitation. I got really upset! We would love to have her full time. (she doesn't even have her own bed, much less room, at her moms house)
What do I do? Should I just stay out of it and let things blow over like they usually do? Or should we fight for custody, which we vowed not to... but I feel like if she is going to go back on her word about visitation, why should we not fight her?
I don't know. I am sooo sick of all the bs btwn them. They are both so immature and just place blame, point fingers and try to prove they do more than the other. I feel like they are driving me crazy.
?Thoughts?
Thanks!
Emily

Re: Issue w SDs mom

wait from what I understand your step daughter lives with you right? and the mom takes her whenever she pleases? or is it that she lives with the mom and you guys have her certain days but the mom takes her on those days?

in any case, you can take her to court and ask for the court to provide you (SO) with partial custody so that he gets assigned specific dates with his daughter and if the mom does not comply she can get into trouble. All I know, is that is better to deal with something set (set dates) then to deal with someone who does whatever she wants.

Re: Issue w SDs mom

My SD is with her mom from Sunday afternoon until Friday. We pick her up from school for the weekends. This whole "I'm going to take her whenever I feel like it" thing just started and I think it's just because she is mad and spiteful. I think my SD would benefit in the long run from being with us full time. But I think emotionally it will be hard on her being away from her mom, if we did that.
This whole court thing is new to me. Would we have to pay for a lawyer to fight for partial custody?

Re: Issue w SDs mom

Re: Issue w SDs mom

Sorry for the super delayed response. The mom and my SD are really attached emotionally and we know it would be the hardest thing for her to separate them, which is why we haven't ever bothered before. I agree that the mother should have custody unless unfit in some way. It's hard because even though I don't think she is a really good mom, I don't know if I could say she is "unfit". Sometimes I just throw my hands in the air and feel like giving up. Oh well, her bad mood passed and nothing was ever done about what she said.

Thank you for all your help!!