Childless by Choice...or Not

How do you deal?

What do you say when people ask if you have children and then why?

Do you feel like people look at you almost accusingly when you say you are childless? Like its some sin?

It seems that life just revolves around children...when someone has a bad day the first thing you hear is, well at least I have my wonderful child to come home to...etc etc...

Do you spend more time with other childless couples? Vacation?

Does this even make sense?

This is not a pity post...I'm just wondering how to start my life here....

thanks

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

i do think childless couples are judged to a certain degree & I don't think its fair. Rich & I have been judged & received many comments about choosing not to have children together...people have almost suggested our marriage was pointless if we weren't going to have kids together.
Now that our kids from our previous relationships are older we have tons of couple time, hobby time, we are both really career focused now....I'm happy the way things are.

I personally think many people are WAY OVER-CONSUMED with their children, I know people that cannot have a conversation about any topic without mentioning their child. That aspect of socializing is really weird to me because I don't want to talk about kids constantly.

I don't have a great answer for you, I just wanted to say I understand a little bit how you feel.

Message edited 3/6/2009 7:09:54 AM.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

My DH and I always get , "Oh you are still young, you'll change your mind". I can't stand it.

DH and I try our best to just ignore it but lately it has been bothering me a lot more than usual. We tend to spend a lot of quality time together and try not to spend too much time with those with children b/c they are the most likely to ask the questions.

DH and I like to travel or do day trips to places where children arent necessarily going to be. Its a lot of fun to be able to pick up and go at the drop of a hat. We like to wake up on sat and just lounge around together or we go out to the movies. We dont do anything too extravagant, but we just enjoy ourselves and have fun togehter, which is very imporant.

Not everything has to be centered around children. Just remember, as long as you and DH are on the same page when it comes to children, then you should be fine. Tell everyone else to mind their own business.

Message edited 3/6/2009 7:25:23 AM.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Ah. A subject near and dear to my heart.

...
How do you deal? I consider that people who do have children are probably totally in love with them. And often times, their reaction to me is because they're considering what their own life would be like without their child.

What do you say when people ask if you have children and then why? I say no, we won't be having any children, but in an almost sympathetic way. Not in a "NOPE! Not for us!" kind of way. Many times, this leads them to believe it's not a nice subject to talk about.

If they ask anyway, I tell them it is a decision my husband and I made together and we choose to put the love we have for children into our nieces, nephews, and our dog.

Do you feel like people look at you almost accusingly when you say you are childless? Like its some sin?

Yes, I've gotten judging looks a lot. If they're particularly ruthless about it, and I've had enough, I go on the offensive and ask them how they would feel if I judged them for HAVING children in a world like this. It's just as absurd as them thinking they have a right to judge me for my decision not to have them.

It seems that life just revolves around children...when someone has a bad day the first thing you hear is, well at least I have my wonderful child to come home to...etc etc...

And I have a wonderful husband and dog to come home to. What's 'enough' for me doesn't have to be 'enough' for you. That's the beauty of humankind - we're different and your thoughts and decisions don't necessarily apply to me.

Do you spend more time with other childless couples? Vacation?

I do, mostly because they're the ones that have the time to go out to dinner, a movie, etc. I don't conciously make that choice, they're just more available. I do wish we had more 'couple' friends and we're working to change that.

We've never gone on vacation with anyone else, I don't know that we would, regardless of having children.

...


I look at it this way. The small-minded people who don't even consider my point of view or that it is the right decision for US are not the people I want to spend time talking to anyway.

I think I'm going to start answering the question that I have a 13 month old son. His name is Brinkley, his breath smells and he drools and licks his private parts, but I love him anyway.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

good question... i think parenting is not for everyone....sometimes i see couples and one person seems like they would be a good parent, but the other person just isnt cut out for it...its a 2 person deal

when i hear someone doesnt have a child- most often I will hear they have a Dog or Cat - which is "like a child" to them...and hear that they Travel/go out to restaurants more..

i mean theoretically if you have kids- alot of your budget is going to that- so when you dont have kids- enjoy your money on the other things in life more.

eta- I think childless couples make Great aunts/uncles or honorary aunt/uncles to their best friends kid

Message edited 3/6/2009 8:05:51 AM.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I hate the shocked look on people's faces or reactions on FB when you mention that you don't have kids. Drives me nuts. Why is it that everyone must have kids? I mean, as you know, I'm not childless by choice, but what if I was? What if I had decided that being a parent wasn't for me? Am I the devil for that?

Reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Elaine said she didn't want to have kids and was so excited that she found a guy who said that he didn't want to have kids. She's sitting around with all her friends and they were saying "you have to have a baaaaaaaaaby!" Now why is this? Elaine said, "I have to have a baby because I CAN have a baby?" And this is so true. Just because someone can have a baby doesn't mean they should.

And then there's people in our situation. People who have tried and tried and its just not in the cards. Does that mean we're any less entitled to be happy childless? Our marriages mean anything less because we don't have kids? I certainly don't think so, but you can almost see the judgment in many people. Like I said, its especially those that you may not have seen/talked to since HS or something that are the worst about it. And they're the ones that always have like 4 kids and their lives revolve around them (not that they have any choice with 4 kids!).

I guess I really don't have an advice here, as this is uncharted territory is starting to become a reality for me as well. I guess it may be a bit easier for me to explain away because DH has two kids, but everyone says "when are you going to have a baby?" or "when are you guys going to have a girl (DH has two boys)?" So, when you figure it out, let me know. But until then, let's get together and do something childless!

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

do you mean just childless for right now, or staying childless?
I have IF, so DH and i are childess for now- we plan to adopt at some point. BUT, we dated for almost 5 years before we got married, and we've been married almost 4 years... so we get a decent amount of the "do you have any kids?" usually i just smile and say "no", and luckily nobody has really pushed the issue. our close friends are all childless so far, too and they all know our situation so they haven't pushed too much.
i think WAY too many people get married and rush into the kid thing too fast without taking time to enjoy just being a couple. to me, i've really enjoyed these 4 years with DH- we've gotten to go traveling together, go out to nice dinners, spend time together at night watching TV just the 2 of us. we've developed interests together apart from children. i also feel like because i've gotten this all out of my system, i'll be even more ready to be a parent when we do decide to adopt. my best friend met a guy and married him within a year, and then within a year after that, they had their son. i worry about what they are gonna do when their son gets older and its just the 2 of them left... they hardly know each other outside of being parents.
so i have no advice, just that i see where you're coming from

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I was headed for that direction myself but then God had another plan for us.. I was lucky to have a very close childless couple friend (by choice) They just decided not to have children and they love their life.. I believe that this would have been me enjoying my dog and doing things childless people do.. I woukd probably prefer to vaction childless w/other couples.. I believe I would have probably gotten a job in retail again or opened up my own store to keep me fulfilled in anothe way.. When people asked me in the past Injust used to say were not sure we want them yet.. I guess its sad to say but by the time I turned 50 they might stop asking.. But then it will probably always come up some how and I woukd have to say ot was not in our cards.. We went another direction..This is very hard when it was not your choice.. I actually should ask my friend what she says because she chose a childlesss life..

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I just had a conversation about this with a friend who decided not to have any children. As a parent, I sometimes wish I had her life She comes home to a quiet house, reads for an hour. Can do anything she wants after work- dinner, movie, anything. Her life revolves around her and her boyfriend. Mine revolves around an adorable, willful 3 year old.

This is the choice I made, and I am happy with it. But I have to tell you- my sister and I look at our friends without children and sometimes wish we had their lives.

BTW, its not just for childless couples. I have 1 child am constantly getting - when are you having another. Its so unfair to DD to only have one.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

FH and I will be getting married in 6 months. We don't want children. I will be just under 30 when we get married and have spent a long time in school, working towards my career. Additionally I cannot see myself as a mother.
When we explain our reasons to people the conversation often ends with "oh you will change your mind" which really annoys the both of us. Like we aren't old or mature enough to have already made the decision that we don't want them.
We decided at our wedding, when I am sure people will bring up the "when do you plan on having children", we are just going to respond with "we don't want children, but we could change our minds" just to avoid the long drawn out conversations that occur when you tell people you don't want children.
We love being the fun aunt and uncle (I have a niece and nephew and FH has 2 nephews and a niece) and god forbid anything happened to either of our sisters I would take the kids in in a minute.
It's just frustrating that people can't understand why we don't want kids.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I have children.. but I have several friends who have opted to not be parents for whatever reason.

I always find it INCREDIBLY insensitive and rude when people pursue any line of questioning there.

I get "Oh - do you and Joe have any little ones?" But once someone says "No - not yet." or "No - we don't plan on starting a family" - the discussion should end there unless the other person indicates that they want to share more.

One of my closest friends doesn't have children. He would be a WONDERFUL father - but the woman he has chosen to spend his life with is 12 years older than him and is experiencing menopause. We went out one day with a group and another 'friend' asked why he and his SO didn't have 'their own' children. He said that he considered her teenage daughters to be like his own and it was clear he wanted to end the convo. This other person kept going ON AND ON AND ON about how Mike would be such a great father and how they need to try to have kids and how having stepkids is NOTHING like having your own flesh and blood, etc..

It was horrible. His GF started to cry because she felt like she was holding him back from the dream of fatherhood, his GF's daughter got VERY upset and this person stayed TOTALLY oblivious as she kept rambling on and on until her husband grabbed her arm and moved her away.

Anyway.. I think if someone is that rude and horrible to keep up a direct line of questioning about your decision or non-decision - they should be made to feel like a jerk with some blunt force aggression.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I agree with the PPs on this thread.

It feels like people look down at DH and I in disgust because we won't be having children. Everyone thinks we are selfish. I look at it the other way; we KNOW that we don't want children, and we just don't have them for the sake of everyone else. It's better for the 'child' that we don't have one, because we wouldn't be into it.

We are lucky in the fact that we don't have many people actively pressuring us on it, but I know family and friends think it with some small comments that fly by. (No, don't tell me I should have plenty of money or time because I don't have kids...)

Our friends with kids try to push them on us - show us how great it is that kid XYZ now says 10 words, or can sing the alphabet, or pick its nose. You know what? That's cute and all, I'm amused for 10 minutes and I'm done.

I'll never forget going on an Alaskan cruise, a couple of years ago. We went on an excursion, dog sledding. You need to take a bus from the ship to the mountain and there were some older ladies on the bus, and of course being nosy old ladies started to ask me some questions. How long have we been married, where are we from, etc. Then of course the dreaded question of "How many kids do you have". So of course the answer is none. She asks when we are having children, and I say never. So she turns to me and says, "What's wrong with you?" I just stared at her. If I wasn't stuck on a 20 seat bus for another 30 minutes with her, I would have given her a piece of my mind.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I agree with all of the previous posters. The one thing that annoys me is if someone asks if we are having children and we say we're still on the fence but are leaning toward NOT having any and people look at me like I have two heads. It's both my and my DH's decision, however, no one looks at my husband funny. It's okay for him to not want children, but I'm not allowed to think that because I'm a woman?! Sorry if I'm rambling...

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

We're childless by choice, and it annoys me to no end when people ask us when we're having children. Sorry, but I think that's an incredibly RUDE question to ask anyone.

I find it frickin' annoying when people say "you're young. You'll change your mind." I think that reaches beyond rude and is completely disrespectful.

I just now tell people that when they are married to me, we can discuss it. Until then, the topic of children is off limits with us.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I think people are ridiculous.

you can never ever possibly know what goes on in someones world...yet people think it's ok to ask about something so personal as whether you not you will bring a child into your life.

don't ask about a salary...or a woman's age...but sure, ask willy nilly, to people you barely know, "when are you going to have a child" "you're not getting any younger"

is incredible.

my husband and I have been together for about 14 years. we started dating at 19, and have been married for almost 3.

it's no one's business when I am having a child, or IF I am having a child.

I always tell those that ask me "I see your kids as birth control" OR, my other favorite "why, so I can be as miserable and unfulfilled in my dreams as you"

maybe it's mean (but half of them are so unruly it's partially true). and I really have no patience for things like that. Leave me and my life alone. it's none of your business what I do. or what I base my decision on. It's certainly NO ONES position to judge that decision.

Just live your life and make the the happiest you can. that's all anyone should ask you, really "Are you happy? Are you enjoying life" really, that is all that matters.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Ugh, this drives me nuts! I have a few friends that are childless by choice and a few that are not...the ones that are childless not by choice I think have come to terms with their situation and would tell people straight up that they don't have children bc they have infertility issues...you should see the expression on these people's faces...:insert foot in mouth icon:...

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I think my new response when people ask me something about when we're having kids (or if we're having kids) is going to be, "next are you going to ask me how much I weigh?"

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

my first marriage was for 8 years, and we or (I) was childless by choice, He would have been a terrible father, and it would not have been a family enviroment I would have wanted to raise a child in even though I loved the jerk. I didn't really get too much grief for it, I think other people knew my ex would be an awful father too, HA!

I did mainly hang out with my best friend who does not have children, and will not 100% by choice also. She gets questioned, but she just says its not for her, and thats the end of it. I think the questions are harder to answer when it's NOT by choice. People are too nosy, and should mind their own business.

The childless world is FUN, so if there is no choice I would say take advantage. We used to take so many vacations together and really just enjoyed our lives, before my DS arrived.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I don't think I get judged too much--probably because I haven't said we aren't going to ever, but I am starting to feel like I don't fit in.

I was at a party last week & most of the people there had kids or were expecting, so it was a frequent topic of conversation.

I also see in my community, that families know each other because of the kids, and are invovled in activities beacuse of the kids, so I always feel sort of like a visitor, or temporary reisdent, even though I own a homw & have been there for 2 years and will probably be there for a while.

I also had a neighbor with a toddler mistake me for another neighbor who is pg, and asked me how I was feeling & then when I explained that she had the wrong person, she asked if we were thinking about having kids.

She's just an acquaintance, so what do you say to that? I'm not a definite no, so I don't really have a prepared response.

I just kinda said, "Oh, I don't know, we'll see. . ." & then told her I had to catch a train, which was true.

ETA-I sort of feel presure that I put on myself though, because we don't have any nieces or nephews & my cousins don't have kids either, so I feel like it's all on me to provide the next generation, even though no one has really said that, except my MIL, and not to me directly.

Edited to fix horrendous typing errors.

Message edited 3/6/2009 11:34:15 AM.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Posted by Shelly


BTW, its not just for childless couples. I have 1 child am constantly getting - when are you having another. Its so unfair to DD to only have one.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Doesn't bother me.

They can all bite me..I don't answer after the initial question.

They ask if I have kids and I say no. I have lots of other blessings.

If I went into the whole thing I would go postal on someone.

I'm learning that there are important things in life and things that are annoying.

Having a baby is important to me and DH and I will try everything I can to do that within reason.

The people that judge me are..well, just annoying.

It can wear on you though. I'm not saying it can't.

I keep the important/annoying perspective as much as possible. It was good advice given to me by someone I admire and it has served me well so far.

Lisa, I know how it hurts. It's terrible. These people are just ignorant. Ignorance shouldn't be the excuse but it is. These are the times we turn to the ones that understand for support.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

The decision to have children is a personal one that should remain between the two people who are married to each other. End of story. Ditto for how many you choose to have, etc.

For some reason, people think it is okay to comment on this, to ask rude, invasive questions, and to offer their opinions. I think this is terrible. The couple who cannot have children get their feelings hurt when asked, and the couple that chooses not to have children has to "DEFEND" their choice!?

I get very sad when I hear stories like the one that was posted about the woman who harassed you at the grocery store. That makes my blood boil. No one should deal with that type of behavior.