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LisaW
Time for me to FLY!
Member since 5/05 13199 total posts
Name:
Did I ever tell you that I hate people?
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by karenk71
I actually would love to see a separate board for living childless, whether it is living childless for now or forever.
I asked for this a while ago since it seems so many of us are coming to the end of our IF journey, plus there are many couples who plan to remain childless by choice...My thought was that there are all different types of families...and we could all help each other get passed that stigma of "family" meaning "with child/ren"
But I never really got an answer
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Posted 3/6/09 5:54 PM  |
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LisaW
Time for me to FLY!
Member since 5/05 13199 total posts
Name:
Did I ever tell you that I hate people?
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by karenk71
I feel left out all the time. Everyone in our lives has kids. I'm trying to figure out what I will do with the rest of my life if I never have kids...I know that it will be important to have hobbies/interests/something that makes me keep going.
I have such a good husband and we have sooo much love for each other. If our fate is to be childless then at least I know that we have each other and I'm very grateful for that.
This is exactly how I feel Karen...on both things
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| Posted 3/6/09 6:01 PM |
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tourist
Member since 5/05 10425 total posts
Name:
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
I have an aunt who is childless, I believe by choice ( but I never asked), and I am very close to her.
She came to all of our stuff as kids.
She took us to movies & concerts. She was definitly the fun aunt in the family.
I don't think anyone in my family ever told her her decision was wrong, ut I am glad she did not feel the need to avoid all babies, b/c she is very important to me as an adult & I have fond memories of her from my childhood.
I try to give her all the fun stuf , with out the annoying stuff of being a parent. She helped with my shower, she got ready with the bridesmaids for my wedding.
I am so far (and maybe always will be) childless and I feel I can relate to her the most, b/c she went away to college, has always worked full time, travels when she can, etc while my mom & other aunts didn't.
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| Posted 3/6/09 6:02 PM |
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lovemy2boys
LIF Adult
Member since 10/07 3915 total posts
Name:
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
hmm, it really used to get on my nerves  I waited till I was 30 to have my DC but from the time I was 27 I would get the rudest comments.
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| Posted 3/6/09 6:09 PM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by tourist
She came to all of our stuff as kids.
She took us to movies & concerts. She was definitly the fun aunt in the family.
This is me right now. I am the 'fun aunt'. I hear comments from other family members telling my niece and nephew to tell me that it's ok if I just stay an aunt forever (meaning not become a mommy) b/c I'll always be the best aunt in the world then- and how once I become a mom I won't have the same quality time w/ them that I do now.    People don't fully get it until they've walked in our shoes unfortunately.
I'm sorry you're going through this Lisa, and anyone else at this point.  I am still on my journey... until what point, who knows. I know this too shall pass, and you will have a wonderful life, because that's the type of person that you are- you're strong, and your and DH's love for one another will get you through this point and you have the love and support of so many around you.  I'm here if you need anything.
Message edited 3/6/2009 6:21:01 PM.
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| Posted 3/6/09 6:20 PM |
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lorimarie
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 5/05 3753 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
I think the commentary on both sides of the issue are just ridiculous. People just don't know how to keep their pie holes shut.
For me, its when are you having a third. My girlfriend who only has one and has trouble TTC'ing constantly gets "you're not getting any younger" or "she shouldn't be an only child". Then another girlfriend who is childless by choice has her issues from the commentary she gets. I think it sucks.
I absolutely applaud those who choose not to have kids vs. having them just to make their family happy or feel that they should because that is what is expected.
For those who are not able to conceive and are childless from this I applaud them as well. They have a beautiful inner strength that I admire the heck out of.
I think in the end what it really boils down to is people need to just keep their mouths shut. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and if a couple chooses not to have kids its absolutely none of your business. People have made their decision based on their lifestyle, finances and 100 other things. Unless you walk a mile in their shoes you just can't comment.
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| Posted 3/6/09 6:41 PM |
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Lisa
I'm a PANK!!!
Member since 5/05 22334 total posts
Name:
Professional Aunts No Kids
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by LisaW
Posted by karenk71
I actually would love to see a separate board for living childless, whether it is living childless for now or forever.
I asked for this a while ago since it seems so many of us are coming to the end of our IF journey, plus there are many couples who plan to remain childless by choice...My thought was that there are all different types of families...and we could all help each other get passed that stigma of "family" meaning "with child/ren"
But I never really got an answer
Now that is a board I would LOVE to see!! 
My DH and I decided long before we were even engaged that we didnt want children. We both have jobs in NYC that I couldnt imagine have to give that up to stay home for a child.
We used to get the questions when we were first married but we have been together for over 12 years, I guess people know that we arent having kids. 
I really do not understand why some people think its a horrible thing not to have kids. Personally, I think its crazy for some people to have more than 2. but if I ever said that, I would get blasted!  but commments can go the other way....
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| Posted 3/6/09 7:13 PM |
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BunnyWife
Insert Witty Comment Here
Member since 5/07 8274 total posts
Name:
BunnyWife
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
I would love to see a child free by choice board! There is TTC, IF, Pregnancy and Parenting! How about one for us folks?!
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| Posted 3/6/09 7:30 PM |
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anonttcer
BOOOO for fall!
Member since 7/06 10082 total posts
Name:
Meaning a NON ttcer!
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
We chose not to have children. The key word is CHOICE. Children are not for everyone. Just like pets are not for everyone, skydiving is not for everyone, marriage is not for everyone.
I just never felt the desire to have children. Never. Not even as a kid or a teenager. I knew from the time I was very young that I didn't want any. It's very odd that feeling and sometimes I used to feel like there was something wrong with me-either physical (like I was missing female hormones or something) or mental.
However over the years I have come to terms with the fact that there is NOTHING wrong with it. I would never judge people for their life decisions and expect to not be judged either.
It's none of anyone's business.
Kids aren't for us. I love other people's children- I'm not a horrible child eating monster. I just love giving them back at the end of the day.
We are happy, we are fulfilled, we have each other. My husband did not marry me for my child bearing ability as I did not marry him for his sperm. I married him for him and he for me. Period.
I think I am being extremely responsible in deciding NOT to have kids when I know I couldn't give them my all- rather than having them because I feel pressured to do so by society or because I feel like it's the thing to do...
I love the fact that there are all kinds of people in this world- with all kinds of hopes, dreams and desires. That is what makes the world go around!
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| Posted 3/6/09 8:06 PM |
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casey31
Mommy of 3!
Member since 5/05 2967 total posts
Name:
Mommy to two boys and a girl
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by lululu
To be honest, I couldn't understand how a couple could choose to not have children until I had a child. I would never have said anything to indicate that, but I admit I couldn't understand....
Now that I have a child I realize the incredible sacrifice that having a child entails. I don't think I completely got it until I had a child. Now I think that couples who choose not to have kids understand how much it will change their lives and realize that it's not for them beforehand - which is great! I would never trade what I have but now I can completely understand the other side of the coin of wanting to do what you want, when you want to and not have to worry about a person that is completely dependent on you.
There are so many rich and rewarding ways to spend your life other than being a parent. I don't think it's insensitive to ask if you have children but to ask why not, well that is rude.
ITA with this!
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| Posted 3/6/09 8:10 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
I don't see how a "childless" board wold fit? I mean, what would you talk about that is any different from any of the content on any other boards (beside Parenting,TTC, and PG of course)?
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| Posted 3/6/09 8:13 PM |
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-BabyMiracle-
When will my ship come in?
Member since 9/07 1056 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Well my new answer to that question is "When you give me 25K to pay for my next IVF!"
In all seriousness, the question hurts. When asked, I either give a totally obnoxious/funny answer or I avoid it all together. Depends on my mood I guess.
I often think about the fact that we are going to live childless is a definite possibility. It's obviously not by choice. I know that I will go back to school for something I have always wanted to do, and start from the bottom in a new career. I might as well do something with my life right? It is very hard to make peace with the fact that I might not leave a legacy. I have so much love to give to a child it is stifling; I will have to let it out somehow.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. 
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| Posted 3/6/09 8:56 PM |
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luvsbob4603
To a healthy 2013
Member since 5/05 21840 total posts
Name:
To a brand new year to a healthier me
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
I cant have children, It's not by choice, Well sorta it is... I've been seizure free for 37 1/2 year's and i'm on a controlled medicine that would hurt the baby if i did get pregnant, A specialist Neurologist that i saw told me i could die if i gave birth to a baby and there could be some ramfication's with the baby because of the medicine.So dh and I decided were not going to have babies... Its a decision we have to live with, And yes everyday i get asked " Are you going to get Pg this year? Why dont you want any babies? I just tell them i'm getting to old, I'm going to be 40 this year and i'm not going to have any.. It's none of anyone's business why? It breaks my heart that i wont have any, But i also have my niece and nephew and Dh's niece and nephews, My niece is my goddaughter and Dh's niece is His goddaughter so to us they're both our daughters.
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| Posted 3/6/09 9:16 PM |
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thewinterone
You make me happy
Member since 5/05 2474 total posts
Name:
cause you are gray.
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
We don't have kids, not sure if we ever will.
I think my dogs would vote NO.
I love going to all our Godchildrens' and niece's stuff.
I love seeing all the new things they learn and their amazing personalities.
Hopefully within the next few years we'll have a few more Godchildren and/or nieces/nephews.
I borrow them when I get too much of a baby itch.
Last year we took at least one to WPF, LOMB, BX ZOO, Christmas Show etc.
I feel like I get all the enjoyment w/o all the hassle.
For the rude people who question too much I say that we have no voids in our lives to fill, so there's no need for children.
Message edited 3/6/2009 9:19:15 PM.
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| Posted 3/6/09 9:17 PM |
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MrsD06
LIF Toddler
Member since 9/07 478 total posts
Name:
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
If you think you get weird looks when you say you don't plan on having children, try telling people that you don't KNOW if you want to have them or not . We always knew we weren't ready yet and thought we would be sometime in "the future". I'm now 31 and neither one of us is 100% sure either way (thank goodness we're both on the same non-page page). Some days I think it would be great in a few years and sometimes I can see us not having kids ever.
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| Posted 3/6/09 9:20 PM |
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ihilani
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/07 858 total posts
Name:
alias
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by Porrruss
I don't see how a "childless" board wold fit? I mean, what would you talk about that is any different from any of the content on any other boards (beside Parenting,TTC, and PG of course)?
It would be a "safe" place for us to chat about our unique issues and perspective. The three pages of this post should give some insight on what it's like to be childless in a child-centered world.
Other topics could include:
- how to deal with co-workers who dump work on you when they need to leave to meet the babysitter
- how much life insurance/long term care insurance do you carry?
- recommend your favorite low-child vacation spot
- what do you do with your spare bedrooms
- want to go to costco with me and split the packages?
- what to do when feeling left out
- conversation topics for child parties
- recommend a recipe that serves two
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| Posted 3/6/09 9:43 PM |
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ihilani
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/07 858 total posts
Name:
alias
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Back to LisaW's original questions...
I've been risk-averse and slow to do everything for as long as I can remember. Last to move out, last to meet DH, last to get married and now I've just about run out of time to have a child (not that my body would have cooperated much better 10 years ago, regardless). Sitting through kid parties and all large family events is akin to torture, especially after I just had an m/c. I'm completely left out and left behind. It reminds me of sitting through bridal showers when I didn't even have a date to bring to the wedding.
So...DH and I work too much, we watch too much tv, we sleep in, we go out to dinner all the time, and we go away more frequently than anyone else I know. DH travels somewhat for work, so we try to take advantage of his work trips to plan short add-ons for ourselves. We've run out of couples to travel with us...or even go out to dinner.
I worry about the future, what I would do if something happened to DH, what we'll do 40 years from now without any family. But, I love my DH more than words can say.
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| Posted 3/6/09 10:00 PM |
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by LisaW
How do you deal?
What do you say when people ask if you have children and then why?
Do you feel like people look at you almost accusingly when you say you are childless? Like its some sin?
It seems that life just revolves around children...when someone has a bad day the first thing you hear is, well at least I have my wonderful child to come home to...etc etc...
Do you spend more time with other childless couples? Vacation?
Does this even make sense?
This is not a pity post...I'm just wondering how to start my life here....
thanks 
I agree that is is insensitive for anyone to assume anything about other people's situations. When I was not married, people would tell me how terrible it must be for me to be "out there dating." The truth was, I had a ton of fun. They would also tell me how much I must be dying to get married. Actually, I wanted to enjoy my single life and I did. I was very lucky because the right guy came along before I got tired of being single, but I was still an older bride. Now I have a child and I am gearing up for the comments I will get about "only having one." Who is anyone to discuss my situation as if there is any downside unless I feel that there is?
I don't think it's mean if a person says they are glad to have their kids to go home to. I don't like when anyone says "at least" about anything, so it depends on how people say it. I do not mean to imply that people without kids are lacking in their lives but I like to be able to say that I am happy to see my child.
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| Posted 3/6/09 10:28 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by ihilani
Posted by Porrruss
I don't see how a "childless" board wold fit? I mean, what would you talk about that is any different from any of the content on any other boards (beside Parenting,TTC, and PG of course)?
It would be a "safe" place for us to chat about our unique issues and perspective. The three pages of this post should give some insight on what it's like to be childless in a child-centered world.
Other topics could include:
- how to deal with co-workers who dump work on you when they need to leave to meet the babysitter
- how much life insurance/long term care insurance do you carry?
- recommend your favorite low-child vacation spot
- what do you do with your spare bedrooms
- want to go to costco with me and split the packages?
- what to do when feeling left out
- conversation topics for child parties
- recommend a recipe that serves two
I feel those questions all belong to boards that already exist.
I would not oppose such board. I just don't see how those questions can't be answered on already existing boards.
Like do we need a board for single people too then? Because afterall, they are not married and can't relate to married people, wether with child or not. kwim?
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| Posted 3/6/09 10:35 PM |
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rose825
Best Friends
Member since 6/05 10228 total posts
Name:
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by ihilani
Posted by Porrruss
I don't see how a "childless" board wold fit? I mean, what would you talk about that is any different from any of the content on any other boards (beside Parenting,TTC, and PG of course)?
It would be a "safe" place for us to chat about our unique issues and perspective. The three pages of this post should give some insight on what it's like to be childless in a child-centered world.
Other topics could include:
- how to deal with co-workers who dump work on you when they need to leave to meet the babysitter
- how much life insurance/long term care insurance do you carry?
- recommend your favorite low-child vacation spot
- what do you do with your spare bedrooms
- want to go to costco with me and split the packages?
- what to do when feeling left out
- conversation topics for child parties
- recommend a recipe that serves two
great examples. Can I add a place to vent about screaming babies in diners without getting flamed. This is LIFamilies, and Families come in all shapes and sizes, the LIF families on this board that might be a little smaller deserve a "safe space".
Posted by smdl
I feel those questions all belong to boards that already exist.
I would not oppose such board. I just don't see how those questions can't be answered on already existing boards.
for that matter there shouldnt be an IF board, I mean its still TTC, if you have questions about accupuncture or anasthesia you could go to the health board, diets for PCOS? diet & fitness board etc.
There is a board for pets.
A board just for teachers.
Yes there may be overlap but these women, these FAMILIES , deserve a board to call there own and be a safe place.
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| Posted 3/6/09 11:09 PM |
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ihilani
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/07 858 total posts
Name:
alias
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by smdl
Posted by ihilani
Posted by Porrruss
I don't see how a "childless" board wold fit? I mean, what would you talk about that is any different from any of the content on any other boards (beside Parenting,TTC, and PG of course)?
It would be a "safe" place for us to chat about our unique issues and perspective. The three pages of this post should give some insight on what it's like to be childless in a child-centered world.
Other topics could include:
- how to deal with co-workers who dump work on you when they need to leave to meet the babysitter
- how much life insurance/long term care insurance do you carry?
- recommend your favorite low-child vacation spot
- what do you do with your spare bedrooms
- want to go to costco with me and split the packages?
- what to do when feeling left out
- conversation topics for child parties
- recommend a recipe that serves two
I feel those questions all belong to boards that already exist.
I would not oppose such board. I just don't see how those questions can't be answered on already existing boards.
Like do we need a board for single people too then? Because afterall, they are not married and can't relate to married people, wether with child or not. kwim?
It's not so much about the questions that would be asked as it is the people who would answer them. If I'm venting about not having anything to contribute to a party conversation about being class mother, I'd like to be able to do so in a place where I can receive support from people in similar situations and not receive many responses from actual class mothers. kwim?
There used to be a "looking for love" board, but I think it was replaced by one of the newer child-related boards, like birth story, multiple births, step-parenting, or children with special needs.
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| Posted 3/6/09 11:14 PM |
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ILJ619
LIF Adult
Member since 6/06 1985 total posts
Name:
Irene
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
I did not want children and now I have 2. But that being said I have friends that are undergoing IVF and I also work with childless by choice bosses. I know that I hate the question about having more children or before I was married about having children that I would not ask anyone that question because it truly is a personal decision between a couple and should be respected.
I think if someone is asking because they are trying to make conversation, that is okay. To continue on and say oh you dont know what your missing etc--I have no right to say this. I dont know who is trying, who has issues vs who has done so by choice. If someone has told me they do not want to have children I dont pursue it. That being said I would appreciate a mutual tolerance, when my child is screaming in a public place dont look at me in disgust, be sympathetic and a little patient I am dealing with the situation. It should go both ways.
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| Posted 3/6/09 11:21 PM |
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Blazesyth
*yawn*
Member since 5/05 8129 total posts
Name:
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by ihilani
Other topics could include:
- how to deal with co-workers who dump work on you when they need to leave to meet the babysitter
I LOVE this one.
It's OK for people with children to not meet their work expectations because there is a child involved - but if I was to say "Oh, I need to take my cat to the vet, here do my work" or "Kitty has a recital this morning at kitty day care, I need to videotape it so you'll need to finish project ABC by yourself because I'll be in late.." people would FLIP.
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| Posted 3/7/09 7:45 AM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by rose825
Yes there may be overlap but these women, these FAMILIES , deserve a board to call there own and be a safe place.
ITA. I visit IF more than any other board on here--- because that's what my life is focused around right now. I consider it to be my safehaven, where people understand what I'm going thru- and I am being totally honest when I tell you that if there was only a TTC board at this point, I would be finding another message board with people who 'get' what I'm going thru because it's such a huge void in my life that I need others who understand... so I don't always feel like I'm going thru it alone.
I gave up going to TTC a long time ago, with the exception to check on a few friends I have that are over there- because more than once I got flamed for something I wrote, or told I was 'bitter' because I was knowledgeable and when people asked certain questions- and I answered where not everything was coming up roses...
Families come in all shapes and sizes- to have a message board focused around families should absolutely mean ALL types of families. Would another board really make a difference to those of you who don't think it's 'necessary'? So many of the boards are there for certain periods in our lives... TTC, IF, Pregnancy, - we have a coupon board, and a book board...but no Families without Children board? I just don't see how someone having this become their lifestyle for the rest of their lives doesn't deem it important enough for it's own board- though as PP said, the 3 pages on this thread I would hope should show there is a need. 
If it becomes a safehaven for those people, I'm all for it- whether I am never a poster on it, or if I join it when my IF journey ends...
IF sucks-- and though I know it's a choice to not have children for some, when your heart is set on it and it doesn't happen.... well, I honestly don't even know what to say.  I can only speak from my heart and say that I can't imagine... and yet it's my biggest fear- and if I come to that point in my journey you can bet that I would want that same support that Lisa is looking for. for you.
Message edited 3/7/2009 7:57:44 AM.
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| Posted 3/7/09 7:53 AM |
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Red
spring is in the air
Member since 11/05 2688 total posts
Name:
helen
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Re: Childless by Choice...or Not
Posted by ihilani
Posted by Porrruss
I don't see how a "childless" board wold fit? I mean, what would you talk about that is any different from any of the content on any other boards (beside Parenting,TTC, and PG of course)?
It would be a "safe" place for us to chat about our unique issues and perspective. The three pages of this post should give some insight on what it's like to be childless in a child-centered world.
Other topics could include:
- how to deal with co-workers who dump work on you when they need to leave to meet the babysitter
- how much life insurance/long term care insurance do you carry?
- recommend your favorite low-child vacation spot
- what do you do with your spare bedrooms
- want to go to costco with me and split the packages?
- what to do when feeling left out
- conversation topics for child parties
- recommend a recipe that serves two
yes, I would love such a board, especially for all these reasons
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| Posted 3/7/09 8:01 AM |
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