Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Lisa, we are taking each day at a time. I can honestly say that my response and my whole attitude to being around people with children has changed. I am so much more relaxed about the topic now.
I tell people we can't have children
they ask have we considered IVF
I give them the look, explain how many needles I've stuck in myself...leave it hanging a second, and just say we are one of those couples who just can't.

Mentally, I've been prepared for almost a year, I spent the last 6 birthdays thinking about the failures, but this birthday I am looking to the future and whatever it brings.

I agree we are lucky to have surrounded by a group of succesful IVFers who 'get it', so we have the chance to be with them without the whole I'm a Mom and thats all I do concept.

You can spend more time golfing....with me

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

DH and I had pretty much thought we were going to end up childless after all...and although that may hopefully change I had gotten all kinds of comments beforehand.

I don't know what the answers are because I always just told people that we were trying and so far unsuccessful. I have been exposed to my friends having children for many years now and just started to adapt. I didn't go to all parties, I would just make sure to show up at the important ones. DH and I used to travel a lot more and we DID hang out with mostly friends who were childless.

I also don't understand those who don't see the need for a "Childless Family" board...I think getting opinions from people in the same boat as you is a very important thing. If you ask about traveling on the travel board, you are going to get all kinds of answers - and mostly from people with children...why would it be wrong to have a board where those without children could discuss their particular wants and needs without unwanted input.

As I've said many times before...I think the Childless board is a wonderful and necessary idea!!

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Message edited 3/7/2009 8:56:15 AM.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I think, although I'm not in the situation you are, so it's only an opinion, but people are just curious by nature. When they ask if you (collective you) have kids, it's just to ask.

I think honesty is the only way to proceed. In your shoes, I would say ...We tried, it didnt happen. Or in others places saying " no , we didnt feel the want"...Simple as that. If someone proceeds to ask more questions, you can say, I'm really not wanting to discuss it...something like that.

I think some people ask more questions then they should...ie...nosey...but I dont think people mean harm.

Those who judge...well judge them right back...LOL

As someone who has a child, the only thing that bothers me on this end of it...is when you hear a person who is childless say when asked..." no way, dont want them"...something like that with a negative tone of voice. It makes it appear that having kids is the wrong choice too.

I think there are people on both sides who react in inappropriate ways to the question.

As far as the board...I say whatever a person needs to make them feel comfortable...well, I'm all for it...so if there is a majority who would utilize it....then we need it!

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Posted by dm24angel

Posted by BunnyWife

Posted by dm24angel
As someone who has a child, the only thing that bothers me on this end of it...is when you hear a person who is childless say when asked..." no way, dont want them"...something like that with a negative tone of voice. It makes it appear that having kids is the wrong choice too.

I can tell you from my own experience that childless people/couples sometimes act this way because of the constant pressure to have kids. We become defensive. It's not fun to constantly be asked and questioned about your decision so you become reactive.

I can totally understand that

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Posted by BunnyWife

Posted by dm24angel

Posted by BunnyWife

Posted by dm24angel
As someone who has a child, the only thing that bothers me on this end of it...is when you hear a person who is childless say when asked..." no way, dont want them"...something like that with a negative tone of voice. It makes it appear that having kids is the wrong choice too.

I can tell you from my own experience that childless people/couples sometimes act this way because of the constant pressure to have kids. We become defensive. It's not fun to constantly be asked and questioned about your decision so you become reactive.

I can totally understand that

I'm sorry that someone was rude to you though. It's not fair for people who choose to have kids to have their decisons questioned either. Can't we all just get along!?

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Message edited 3/7/2009 10:33:45 AM.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I will be honest, I think the following questions are RUDE and should never be asked - unless it is to your BEST friend who is comfortable sharing everything with you - and if that's the case, you should know anyway:

When are you getting married?
Is this your first marriage?
When are you having kids?
Do you want kids?
Why don't you want kids?
And
Are you pregnant?

Seriously. In a million years, I don't understand why people think it's THEIR business to know your business. I am sorry you ladies have to go through that!!!

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

when i was younger, i thought everyone just had babies..now that thought has changed oer the years, lol..

i think its YOUR choice and no one elses whether you want to have kids or not-its ur life, and thats it!!

ive been married almost 3 years and its really goddamn annoying to hear -wow u havent had kids yet? why not?

i have gotten so fed up that my answer now is "cuz im not stupid like you"

somoene mentioned that they say "cuz i dont want ot miserable like u"-i think i will use this one!!

and if i NEVER have kids-that my biz, not urs...u dont pay the bills, u dont have to decide whether to continue working or not, etc...

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Posted by lipglossjunky73

I will be honest, I think the following questions are RUDE and should never be asked - unless it is to your BEST friend who is comfortable sharing everything with you - and if that's the case, you should know anyway:

When are you getting married?
Is this your first marriage?
When are you having kids?
Do you want kids?
Why don't you want kids?
And
Are you pregnant?

Seriously. In a million years, I don't understand why people think it's THEIR business to know your business. I am sorry you ladies have to go through that!!!

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Posted by Lisa

Posted by LisaW

Posted by Blazesyth

Posted by architectnycity

Posted by ihilani



It would be a "safe" place for us to chat about our unique issues and perspective. The three pages of this post should give some insight on what it's like to be childless in a child-centered world.

I think people with kids would respond to those posts anyway. Look how many people with kids responded to this post.

I agree. While I think it's a great idea, I think it would quickly become a place for the drama lama.

see, I disagree...if it was a separate board, people w/ children would be less inclined to go there and answer. I mean, I never go to the parenting board to give my opinion...

There are so many sub communities on here...there are gtg's for the IF groups, for the PG girls, the parents, etc...wouldn't it be nice if there was a place that childless couples could go to to form relationships with others that have that in common? Obviously living child free is quite different....or at least I feel it is...

But, this is not what I wanted this thread to focus on.... I really just wanted some insight on living child free...on what others do to fill that extra time...and how they relate to others with kids...

I agree Lisa because I never felt that the Parenting board really ever wants to hear from anyone that isnt a parent....even though I have a neice and twin nephews that I am very close to, I would never post pics of them on the parenting board because I didnt give birth to them, so they arent "mine"
its the old "you dont know what you are talking about until you have given birth" thing.

We have a coupon board but cant suggest a Childless by choice board...why???

PS...I love the idea of splitting stuff at Costco!!

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Posted by Blazesyth

Posted by ihilani

Other topics could include:
- how to deal with co-workers who dump work on you when they need to leave to meet the babysitter

I LOVE this one.

It's OK for people with children to not meet their work expectations because there is a child involved - but if I was to say "Oh, I need to take my cat to the vet, here do my work" or "Kitty has a recital this morning at kitty day care, I need to videotape it so you'll need to finish project ABC by yourself because I'll be in late.." people would FLIP.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

I have a child now, but for many years, I did not. And eventhough I was unmarried for a lot of them, I can't tell you how many people told me I'd better get a move on it or asked "don't you want children?" It's a very nosy question and it can be a heartbreaking question if you are actually trying to have a child but it is not working out.

When I lived in the city, particularly Manhattan, I didn't hear this very much. I think there were a lot of childless couples there, and people leading different lifestyles. So it just wasn't something that seemed strange. But if you live in the suburbs and don't have kids, I think a lot of people just don't get it. It is a personal choice htough, and if people do not want kids, I definitely think they should not have them to fulfill societal expectations. Children are a blessing, but they are a tremendous amount of work also.

Another spin on this is that I get is why are you only having one child? I have had people I don't know well at all accuse me of denying DS a happy life by not having another child. I'm tempted to tell them, I have this disorder and this disorder, DH has this disease, so we feel it would be selfish and irresponsible to bring another child into the picture at this point, but it's not the kid of thing I like to go into.

At any rate, enjoy your life as it is and don't feel you need to apologize for your choices.

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

Re: Childless by Choice...or Not

My DH and I are not having kids. People always ask "when are you having kids"

I usually say "I don't want any, and this conversation stops here." People shut up after that in general.

The WORST one I ever heard was a guy who I dated in HS who caught up with me on FB. He LOVES his kid more than anything and when I had e-mailed my DH and I weren't having kids he had the NERVE to e-mail me "If you married the right person you would want kids..." and then a little further in the e-mail tells me how his wife asked him for a divorce last week... YEAH, YOU clearly got your marriage right

I have a lot to say on this subject but the people with kids usually get offended so I will shut up