| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: 1 [2] 3 |
halfbaked
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6937 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Normally I'd say yes, they should contribute. But, I don't think it's fair when the mom just *decided* everything herself. In this case, I'd say they should chip in for the gift and tell the mom if she wanted to plan a shower by herself then she should expect to pay for it herself... in a nicer way if possible. 
|
Posted 1/15/14 2:26 PM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
JoesWife628
Our family is complete :)
Member since 8/08 3934 total posts
Name:
Me
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by lisah7
I don't think the bridal party should be obligated to pay $200, it does not matter if they are attending or not.
If the mom is paying for the place, usually a cake is included. If the mom wants a more expensive cake she should cover the cost.
The mother should not dictate what gift should be bought, the bridal party should either all get one gift together (the mom does not need to be part of the conversation) or get a gift on there own (if they choose).
The MOH should help in some way but it seems like there is more to the story. Why does the MOH not what anything to do with this? Does she not get along with the mom? Is she in the process of planning a great bachelorette party?
cake is not included. The mother isn't dictating the gift. she just told us we have to cover the cake, invitations, favors, games, centerpieces. The moh wants to basically show up. She's not planning anything.
|
| Posted 1/15/14 2:27 PM |
| |
|
JandJ1224
Member since 6/06 5911 total posts
Name:
Jannette
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I don't think it should be expected that the bridesmaids cover the expenses of the shower. I think that is an expense that should be covered by the bride/grooms family. It is expensive enough being in a wedding between gifts for shower, dresses, alterations, sometimes hotel rooms, hair make up. I have not personally been in this situation before. If really pushing then the contributions to the shower, invitations, cake etc. would be my gift....
|
| Posted 1/15/14 2:47 PM |
| |
|
loveus
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/13 684 total posts
Name:
|
Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
There is no longer etiquette for certain wedding situations.
The brides parents are not obligated to pay for the entire wedding and the grooms for the rehearsal dinner. The same goes for the bridal shower. Everyone contributes what they can afford and what is best for them.
|
| Posted 1/15/14 3:03 PM |
| |
|
Courtz
LIF Adolescent
Member since 4/12 582 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I don't feel that anyone should ever have to pay for something that they weren't asked about contributing to in advance. $200 including a gift isn't too bad BUT it's no ones place IMO to tell another person what they are to be spending the money on.
Being that this is such close family and it's not the girls fault (the bride) I would just go along with it and keep quiet. You can't control what the MOH or other BM's do so their decisions shouldn't affect yours. This is family and I have learned that sometimes it's better to just keep quiet to keep the peace. Good Luck!
|
| Posted 1/15/14 3:17 PM |
| |
|
bella321
Blessed!
Member since 3/09 1952 total posts
Name:
Kristy
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I'm probably in the minority but I don't think anyone should "have" to contribute to a shower IF they were not asked about potential dates.
I had a similiar experience where, as a bridesmaid, I received an invitation to my friend's shower without ever speaking to the MOH. It was OOS and despite my best efforts, I could not attend. If I was given a few dates to choose from, along with the other bms, it would have been nice.
|
| Posted 1/15/14 3:49 PM |
| |
|
jams92
Member since 1/12 6105 total posts
Name:
|
Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
this is a tough situation. the mom should not have expected the bridal party to contribute - especially without speaking to them in advance and confirming the date location etc.
did the mother pick out the gift you are giving or did you guys (the bridal party) come up with that?
how was this handled - a group email from the mom to the bridal party? or phone calls?
if it was an email, (and depending how close you are with the girls) i would write back saying a few things...
-if you dont want to contribute to that specific gift that was picked out, i would say you already purchased a shower gift for her as you didnt know they planned on doing a group gift
-if you dont want to spend all the money (not sure what the total for that stuff would come to) but say you have a budget to work on but you are happy to send a check for xx amount of money that they can allocate as they see fit
i hate being part of a wedding for this reason
my mom was kind enough to cover it all bc she didnt want to have any bridal party drama. i dont think its right to expect anything from anyone and since the mom seemed to handle it poorly (by telling you what was expected instead of asking), i would just respond with whatever you are comfortable with instead of being forced to do what the mom wants
Message edited 1/15/2014 3:53:34 PM.
|
| Posted 1/15/14 3:52 PM |
| |
|
LovePink16
LIF Infant
Member since 11/13 51 total posts
Name:
Lisa
|
Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I am the MOH of my sisters upcoming wedding..my aunt and I footed the bill of the shower..i did speak to the bridal party and asked them to be in charge of centerpieces, games, and prizes…her husbands family will be doing balloons and favors…I think as part of a bridal party it is your obligation to help out, if possible, but not pay for the shower…gift, yes, shower no…side things like centerpieces, prizes…it should be part of their job? Of course not if they aren't attending...
|
| Posted 1/15/14 4:06 PM |
| |
|
JoesWife628
Our family is complete :)
Member since 8/08 3934 total posts
Name:
Me
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by jams92
this is a tough situation. the mom should not have expected the bridal party to contribute - especially without speaking to them in advance and confirming the date location etc.
did the mother pick out the gift you are giving or did you guys (the bridal party) come up with that?
how was this handled - a group email from the mom to the bridal party? or?
if it was an email, (and depending how close you are with the girls) i would write batheseing a few things...
-if you dont want to contribute to that specific gift that was picked out, i would say you already purchased a shower gift for her as you didnt know they planned on doing a group gift
-if you dont want to spend all the money (not sure what the total for that stuff would come to) but say you have a budget to work on but you are happy to send a check for xx amount of money that they can allocate as they see fit
i hate being part of a wedding for this reason
my mom was kind enough to cover it all bc she didnt want to have any bridal party drama. i dont think its right to expect anything from anyone and since the mom seemed to handle it poorly (by telling you what was expected instead of asking), i would just respond with whatever you are comfortable with instead of being forced to do what the mom wants
The mother did not choose the gift, nor did we yet. Her mom called the girls. She told me we, as the bridal party are responsible for the favors, invitations, games, cake, and centerpieces. I should also say that the shower is out of state even though the wedding, 90% of guests and the bride are here. I am stuck orchestrating this part of the shower because the other girls (all but 1) want NOTHING to do with the shower. I do not have the $ to foot the bill for all of this. In short, the other girls dont want to help or pay.
|
| Posted 1/15/14 5:14 PM |
| |
|
seaside
LIF Adult
Member since 6/08 3101 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Sorry, but "The mother isn't dictating the gift. she just told us we have to cover the cake, invitations, favors, games, centerpieces" = NERVE. SO. MUCH. NERVE.
None of my bridesmaids were asked for anything, from anyone. I was not asked for a cent at any of the ten weddings I was in.
Don't these people realize that after they're married, they'll still have to face you knowing that their families stood there with their hands out and made demands?
Sorry you are dealing with this.
What happened to asking someone to be in your wedding as a way to honor them and highlight them on your special day?
Message edited 1/15/2014 6:55:04 PM.
|
| Posted 1/15/14 6:54 PM |
| |
|
PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
This sucks bc this lady is your dh's brothers mil, correct? I think you are stuck.
In general, I think she has so e hell of a nerve throwing a party for her dd and asking you guys to pick up the expense for where she chooses. That is not how it works!!!!
|
| Posted 1/15/14 7:10 PM |
| |
|
liadorbs
LIF Adult
Member since 11/10 1221 total posts
Name:
|
Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I have been in 7 weddings in the last few years and in all but 2 of them I've had to contibute something to the shower. I'm actually really surprised to be in the minority here, I thought it was the norm.
|
| Posted 1/15/14 11:04 PM |
| |
|
FirstMate
My lil cowboy
Member since 10/10 7790 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by nferrandi
Yes, they should still contribute. However, I think it's very rude of the mother to not have coordinated the date of the shower with the bridal party.
All of this
|
| Posted 1/15/14 11:12 PM |
| |
|
meloyellow
LIF Adult
Member since 3/13 1843 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
people should be asked to be in a bridal party because you love them and want them to be a part of the biggest day of your life and support and celebrate. there should be no obligations or expectations beyond attire. If someone wants to throw a fabulous shower great...then throw it...but don't expect others to foot the bill for what you can't cover. If it means having a smaller or less grand shower then so be it.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 12:51 AM |
| |
|
|
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by meloyellow
people should be asked to be in a bridal party because you love them and want them to be a part of the biggest day of your life and support and celebrate. there should be no obligations or expectations beyond attire. If someone wants to throw a fabulous shower great...then throw it...but don't expect others to foot the bill for what you can't cover. If it means having a smaller or less grand shower then so be it.
I agree with this. Maybe it's only because I've been in weddings with people who were family or that I was super close to, but have never seen drama like this occur, especially over money. The bride's family has paid for the majority of the stuff always. I've even had my dress given to me as a gift in one instance.
If the OP can't afford it, IMO she should speak up and not feel obligated to pay just because that's what people on LIF think is the right thing to do. These threads crack me up, about what you should go into the poor house for.......BTW, the other ladies have spoken up according to her post, why should she get manipulated into paying. I call it BS that she has to just because "she's family". (And I'm not trying to be snarky/start and argument, that shite ain't right!).
I TOTALLY agree with those who have indicated that times have changed when it comes to "etiquette".
Good luck OP!
We can only be taken advantage of by those we let take advantage of us. ;).
Message edited 1/16/2014 5:22:33 AM.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 5:15 AM |
| |
|
sameinitials
insert creative comment here
Member since 2/12 1998 total posts
Name:
|
Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I don't think that it's unreasonable to ask a bridal party to contribute to a shower... isn't that something that people know will be a possibility when agreeing to be a bridesmaid? At my shower, my mom paid for the place and the food (which she made herself), and asked my bridesmaids if they would cover decorations, games, etc. Though I guess the core difference here is that my mom asked, didn't just dictate. And the date was cleared with everyone - I think that's the biggie - just planning it and saying, that's when it is, deal with it, kinda sucks. It's one thing if there was no one date that worked for everyone, but I'd find that hard to believe and it doesn't sound like that was the case here.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 5:36 AM |
| |
|
MrsA714
Baby #2 is here!
Member since 8/07 8806 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by meloyellow
people should be asked to be in a bridal party because you love them and want them to be a part of the biggest day of your life and support and celebrate. there should be no obligations or expectations beyond attire. If someone wants to throw a fabulous shower great...then throw it...but don't expect others to foot the bill for what you can't cover. If it means having a smaller or less grand shower then so be it.
I completely agree! I still can't get over the fact that some girls on here have been asked to contribute towards the bride's shower.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 9:54 AM |
| |
|
JoesWife628
Our family is complete :)
Member since 8/08 3934 total posts
Name:
Me
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by MorningCuppaCoffee
Posted by meloyellow
people should be asked to be in a bridal party because you love them and want them to be a part of the biggest day of your life and support and celebrate. there should be no obligations or expectations beyond attire. If someone wants to throw a fabulous shower great...then throw it...but don't expect others to foot the bill for what you can't cover. If it means having a smaller or less grand shower then so be it.
I agree with this. Maybe it's only because I've been in weddings with people who were family or that I was super close to, but have never seen drama like this occur, especially over money. The bride's family has paid for the majority of the stuff always. I've even had my dress given to me as a gift in one instance.
If the OP can't afford it, IMO she should speak up and not feel obligated to pay just because that's what people on LIF think is the right thing to do. These threads crack me up, about what you should go into the poor house for.......BTW, the other ladies have spoken up according to her post, why should she get manipulated into paying. I call it BS that she has to just because "she's family". (And I'm not trying to be snarky/start and argument, that shite ain't right!).
I TOTALLY agree with those who have indicated that times have changed when it comes to "etiquette".
Good luck OP!
We can only be taken advantage of by those we let take advantage of us. ;).
I think my original question got lost in the mix. I am willing give in my amount and to do the work. There are two girls in the bp who will not be able to make the shower. One lives in Colorado, the other has a work event. My question was should they be asked to contribute to the shower, the gift or nothing. 4/6 girls are willing to put in the agreed upon amount.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 10:15 AM |
| |
|
drwifettc
LIF Adult
Member since 6/10 2348 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by MrsA714
Posted by meloyellow
people should be asked to be in a bridal party because you love them and want them to be a part of the biggest day of your life and support and celebrate. there should be no obligations or expectations beyond attire. If someone wants to throw a fabulous shower great...then throw it...but don't expect others to foot the bill for what you can't cover. If it means having a smaller or less grand shower then so be it.
I completely agree! I still can't get over the fact that some girls on here have been asked to contribute towards the bride's shower.
Really? I'm sort of surprised. I've been in 6 weddings and asked to contribute to 3 showers. In two of the three, the mom paid for the place/food and the bridal party did all the other things. The other one we paid for and split. We did get to do the majority of the planning, but it wouldn't have pissed me off if the mother picked the stuff.
To the op I think that the other members of the bridal party should contribute even if they aren't coming and it makes sense that you can't have every member of the party there given one lives in CO. I wouldn't expect to pay for a Bach-ette I can't go to, but def for a shower.
Think I'm going to do a spin off post by I'm moh and was planning on the girls splitting the cost of the shower.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 10:30 AM |
| |
|
CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by Eireann
Nearly every source you read on the topic says that the bridal party should host the shower. That said, I think the mom should have double-checked the date with everyone and discussed the splitting of responsibilities or money or whatever. If I were in this scenario and COULD attend, I would gladly contribute. If I were in this scenario and could NOT attend, I would gladly contribute (although hurt my schedule wasn't considered). I'm doing it for my friend who has honored me with a place in her wedding and who I'm sure deserves a lovely shower.
This.
It's a new concept for the moms to throw showers, it used to be frowned upon. However, since it is combo (which I think is nice), I think she should have consulted folks about date and budget.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 11:15 AM |
| |
|
jellybean78
:)
Member since 8/06 13103 total posts
Name:
Mommy
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by MrsA714
Posted by meloyellow
people should be asked to be in a bridal party because you love them and want them to be a part of the biggest day of your life and support and celebrate. there should be no obligations or expectations beyond attire. If someone wants to throw a fabulous shower great...then throw it...but don't expect others to foot the bill for what you can't cover. If it means having a smaller or less grand shower then so be it.
I completely agree! I still can't get over the fact that some girls on here have been asked to contribute towards the bride's shower.
I agree..the only time I contributed towards the bridal shower was when I was MOH at my BFF wedding. It was me and her Mom and we paid for the entire thing. Other than that never..not even for my SIL.
Message edited 1/16/2014 11:57:12 AM.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 11:56 AM |
| |
|
jgl
Love my little boys!!!
Member since 8/07 7060 total posts
Name:
g
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I think they should contribute for a gift, but thats it.
I would not be paying all that $ to pay for te shower and what goes along with it. Thats the mothers responsibility IMO
|
| Posted 1/16/14 12:01 PM |
| |
|
DaniJude
You're My Home <3
Member since 11/06 14815 total posts
Name:
Danielle
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Contribute to a gift only or agree to each buy separate gifts like any other guest.
Contribute to the shower? NO WAY.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 12:24 PM |
| |
|
meloyellow
LIF Adult
Member since 3/13 1843 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
I would hate it if someone I loved declined to be in my bridal party because they simply couldn't afford it. I just don't like the idea of anyone feeling put out or struggling to keep up monetarily. Dresses, gifts and bachelorette parties add up to a lot as it is.
My MIL paid for my shower with help from my mom. My mil knew my family couldn't afford a grand affair like she had in mind. If my mom had thrown it it would have been in my backyard (fine with me). My mother gave what she could but because it was MIL'S desire to throw a nice event at Bridgeview yacht club...she paid for most of it. She would not dare to ask anyone to kick up money so she could have it there because we could have easily don't it somewhere else for less money.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 12:29 PM |
| |
|
eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
|
Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications
Posted by MrsA714
Posted by meloyellow
people should be asked to be in a bridal party because you love them and want them to be a part of the biggest day of your life and support and celebrate. there should be no obligations or expectations beyond attire. If someone wants to throw a fabulous shower great...then throw it...but don't expect others to foot the bill for what you can't cover. If it means having a smaller or less grand shower then so be it.
I completely agree! I still can't get over the fact that some girls on here have been asked to contribute towards the bride's shower.
Really? That's the norm for me. I've only been in one bridal party where I didn't have to contribute to the shower. All the rest we were responsible for part or all of it.
I don't think this mom handled it the right way at all, but I do think the BP should contribute regardless if they attend. I consider that part of a BM's responsibility.
|
| Posted 1/16/14 12:34 PM |
| |
|
| Pages: 1 [2] 3 |
