Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I read a lot about people getting down on themselves about yelling after their kid(s) push them to the limit.

now, maybe I am differentiating between "yelling" vs. "screaming" and others aren't, OR

maybe I am completely terrible, but I don't see yelling when they push you as so bad.

I think it shows a threshhold, and the consequence of what happens when they push you there.

I feel like (and I could be totally wrong here) if you dont' change tone or show exasperation/frustration/even anger that they won't see how their behavior effects your reaction.

I grew up with screamers...and I hate that.

but a "hey" or hefty "no" or " for the millionth time, get down" I don't see as so bad.

i'd like to hear thoughts about this. I came from a very strict home and I didn't like all of the things that were done to me, even if I see the benefits...I am trying to strike a balance and find a good way.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

i couldn't agree with you more. I was raised in a strict Italian Household.. we yell when we aren't angry!!!! So when parents were mad.. you knew it!!

I will yell. I know this because I know I dont have patience and Im a yeller. I will try not to scream b/c then I feel no one hears you then.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I YELL a lot
My mom and dad yelled

We are Italian
We yell

lol

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

my honest opinion is it depends on the level & how quickly i/you/anyone snaps......

if Em is doing something i don't like, i'll start with the typical, Emma, no.

Then move to Emma, NO.

then move to EMMA, NO.

then i move to 'that voice' (when my parents heard it they giggled and were like, uh oh....) - EMMA NO.

if i have to continue from there, i will take her out of the situation, take the thing out of her hands, move her, etc....

if i went from the calm, chill, Emma, no to that final (or anything MORE than that)....i'd consider that wrong...or 'me not in control'.

does that make any sense?

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I am a yeller and I have my DH who reminds me all the time its not good.

Why?
I ask the same.

I was raised in a spanish HH where there was plenty of yelling and spanking going on.
Did I grow up good? Yes because of the discipline.

I think what I do see is G, being the oldest and understands more, is becoming a yeller too.

DH blames me and Im starting to see it a bit myself..

And its part of me who wants to control the anger part really.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Im a yeller. My son does NOT respond to calm please stop voice. I was raised in ahouse where you got that look and knew you were in trouble. If ds would respond to a calm voice maybe I wouldnt yell. Hopefully one day that will happen.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I don't think yelling is wrong at all.

I think yelling all of the time isn't effective. It loses it's value and then it just becomes cyclical.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Yelling is bad for me. Not for the kids...me.

will i do it every now and again, sure.
But my day is too effing long to be saying the same thing over and over and straining myself into a yell or a scream.

One time to not do something. And I am probably mad i had to say it that one time

I was a hitter though. I am all for that. I haven't done it in about a year when dh retired my pimp hand...but I am hoping that jessie learns from josh that i mean business.

I drain myself with these kids just living life. I want to like and enjoy them. and I do...until 6:30 when they turn into pumpkins..then i am done. I can't give anymore and he picks up on that. He picks up on it.


now, he is just one child. I don't know what or how jessie is going to be.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I am a yeller. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. However, I think there is a HUGE difference between me yelling at DS to "SIT DOWN on the couch right now!" and just yelling at him because he's a little whiny and wants my attention. One is disciplinary and, IMO, serves a purpose. Another is just losing my temper, and that's not cool (not saying it doesn't happen, but I don't like when it does).

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Posted by Smileyd17

I am a yeller and I have my DH who reminds me all the time its not good.

Why?
I ask the same.

I was raised in a spanish HH where there was plenty of yelling and spanking going on.
Did I grow up good? Yes because of the discipline.

I think what I do see is G, being the oldest and understands more, is becoming a yeller too.

DH blames me and Im starting to see it a bit myself..

And its part of me who wants to control the anger part really.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I agree with you 100%.

I will not scream mercilessly at my child(ren), BUT- DD is 13.5 months and I have yelled at her in the way you described. When she was trying to step on her baby cousin, when she bit me, when she flings her food or the pet food all over the kitchen. She understands I mean business when I raise my voice. I have also tried the whispering technique and that has worked as well.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I will raise my voice when he repeatedly does something to test me, but I avoid the "yell/scream" territory if I can at all costs. Simply cause yelling gives me a migraine. I hate it. And I think it loses effectiveness when overused... If there's an imminent danger to DS heck yes I'll yell, but that's about the only time.

My parents are Irish - no yelling; heck we barely spoke to each other at all

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I agree with a pp saying that if it's overused.. it becomes ineffective.

LB is right.. use it when appropriate..not out of losing your patience.. (I need LOTS of therapy for this one)

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

We are LOUD...we speak loudly, and honestly I don't see yelling as a bad thing...

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Nope, I'm with you

I get right in her face with it too. I want eye contact. I don't SCREAM but do I do raise my voice and change the tone drastically as needed.

I only screamed once. Not really 'at' her as much as out lound "NO!" But she literally BIT me and broke skin. It scared her and yeah I felt a little bad but again she had to know it had an effect. She's never bitten me since.

Meh, I know I'm the odd man out. I come from an abusive background but also a stern one with my Dad. I second guess myself a lot but I live by the discipline. It worked and worked well. I have respect for my father and the rules I lived by. I see no harm in that. I love him and have a close relationship with him.

Now if only my hubby could get on board, he says "no" and it sounds more like a request than a statement.

Message edited 10/7/2010 12:03:42 PM.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I get down on myself for yelling because it's not the way *I* want myself or my kids to be.

I think it's to their advantage to learn to react after thinking calmly & clearly. it's not always going to be the case but if I'm always yelling at them, then how will they learn otherwise?

Posted by Ophelia
the other day he banged his head a little against the footboard of my bed. he crawled over to me (about a foot away) looked back at the footboard, crawled back over, slapped it a few times and yelled

it was pretty funny but it was also a uh oh moment for me.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Posted by colette

I will raise my voice when he repeatedly does something to test me, but I avoid the "yell/scream" territory if I can at all costs. Simply cause yelling gives me a migraine. I hate it. And I think it loses effectiveness when overused... If there's an imminent danger to DS heck yes I'll yell, but that's about the only time.

My parents are Irish - no yelling; heck we barely spoke to each other at all

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I see nothing wrong with yelling occassionally. If the child is in danger or you specifically need to make a point it can be effective at times. However excessive yelling is not effective and yelling to scare them just teaches fear and not discipline.

I dated a guy ages ago whose mom was a yeller. That nails on a chalkboard screeching yell. It had a very negative effect on him and even in his 20's seemed to strike fear in him. Not that I won't mess with mom fear but I need to get away from her now type fear.

I want my children to respect me not fear me. I hope I can strike a good balance. I'm human I yell, it happens. I am ok with it in moderation.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I'm a yeller. I was raised with LOTS of yelling and hitting and as a result I have a nasty temper and no patience...

I scare my DD when I yell and it makes me feel terrible. I've made my DS cry while yelling at DD... horrible. I don't like it. I don't like the person I am when I'm yelling. I don't like seeing my daughter sad or afraid, and even less do I like her yelling at others as a result.

I've been really focused on changing the way I react to things for the last 3-4 weeks and honestly my house is so much calmer and my DD is a lot better behaved overall.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

I am a yeller. sometimes I feel badly about it . but then when I'm getting mad, I yell , just have no patience. def something i need to work on

Message edited 10/7/2010 12:11:22 PM.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

My mom was a yeller, but she was a SAHM who had 4 kids in 5 years. Now that I am a parent, I see how we pushed her to her limit many times. I don't think she loved me any less because she yelled, or that I was psychologically damaged by it, but I think we became desensitized to it. Like after a while, it was like "Oh here she goes again....."

My dad, on the other hand, rarely yelled and it was usually only for really serious stuff. When he yelled, he GOT your attention, it was a huge deal.

So I would like to be more like my dad, but I think I am wired more like him by nature. Hitting doesn't work in my house because my DS is already a hitter with other kids at times. I am trying to teach him not to hit, so I only do it when he is doing something really unsafe, like running into the street away from me, touching the stove, etc. I do notice the few times I do yell at DS, it does get his attention, so I try to reserve it for REALLY bad or serious behavior.

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?

It's amazing because when I pictured myself as a mom, I didn't see myself being a yeller.

Jack knows how to push my buttons like no other. My mother says he is exactly how I was at his age.

Like Deb, when I was yelling alot Jack started yelling alot. His tone was different, he was honestly a nasty child towards me for a few months.

I have tried my best to deal with him in a calm manner. I walk away, I count, I do whatever I can. But, the reality is that this kid just likes to be difficult and I end up losing my cool. I feel bad because I hate how I sound. I listen to myself and think "This kid is only three years old, what are you doing?!" -- I also think "I would never yell at him like this if other people were around, so why am I doing it now?"

I wish that I could figure out a more effective way to discipline him, that doesn't make me feel like crap after.