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Celt
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Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
Name:
colette
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Diana1215
Can you come here and work with Jack for me! Pretty please.......
No. But I'll send my mommy 
D, and Amy and especially all the moms of 2 or more on here, don't get down on yourselves about the yelling too much; IIRC I was a MONSTERRRRRRRRRRR when my little sister came along. For 5 years I was the 3rd kid, the BABY, the PRINCESS, the "CUTE ONE" (ok I'm still that but that's neither here nor there ). I didn't take well to being disenfranchised. And yes at age 5 I said "disenfranchised." 
My mom did everything "right", and I STILL acted out - all attention driven, definitely "normal" but definitely NOT FUN for mom. With that said she was only human, kwim, and I *know* there were days she LET LOOSE on us for sure, I just don't remember them as much as I remember discipline being firm and immediate - and always always done with love.
If you feel the yelling is bringing you down and it's not how you want to "'be" then that's a great motivator for change!!!! Yelling can be a bad "habit" - like say, being late all the time, yadda yadda. If you feel that's where you''re at just realize that any HABIT can be changed/eliminated - with a little practice, a LOT of determination and some positive momentum!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted 10/7/10 12:55 PM  |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by chmlengr
I'm a yeller. DH is not. He tells me that the kids will grow up thinking that raising your voice is acceptable.
I tried it all, believe me. They don't listen. It's usually when I am rushed and trying to get out or get something done. They don't move unless I am yelling!
YES! This is it, I yell when we have to get out of the house. I deal with him much better when we are just hanging around and don't have to go anywhere. But to get all three of us ready and dressed, and then have him pull this crap - it drives me crazy. I mean, and who fights going to TRU for a new Slinky?? He must be out of his mind
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:59 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Ophelia
it's hard. I want him to listen. to be disciplined and to behave. I don't want to have to bribe him to be good. but I want to do it all in a way I am comfortable with. 
You can do that with out bribes and without yelling (if you want).
I am not a yeller-I do raise my voice but it wouldn't qualify as yelling in my book so say, "I said sit down NOW". That's emphasis not yelling and I only do it when needed so she knows I mean business.
As for getting them to behave without bribes-as long as you have consequences for bad choices and are consistent with them I think it works.
I've used brides before-I'm not above it but it is not my normal MO.
We have time out-with a corner. She goes in time out. Sometimes her toy goes in time out. Sometimes a toy goes in the garbage. A favorite TV show does off. She goes to bed early. All of these things are different consequences I use to teach consequences of bad choices.
If she is acting up, crying, whining and won't settle down (happens sometimes when we have a bunch of people over because they get overwhelmed), etc I pick her and take her to her room and we have a quiet conversation. I tell her it's okay to cry if she is upset but she can't disturb everyone else so we will just wait here until you feel better. I did this at her birthday party even.
If she is extra whiney and sassy with me I say she must be tired and need a nap/go to bed since she is too tired to remember good behavior. If it happens again-up to her room she goes.
I save yelling for dangerous situations-she ran away from me at the airport. I yelled for her to stop and wait. When I got to her I didn't yell but I told her that she could get lost or someone could take her from me.
Brides work well for me in situations when I am stressed: Potty training (I don't have the patience to clean up 8 accidents a day). Getting out in the morning (she listens most days, some days I give her a couple M&Ms or chocolate chips). It's not too often and if she ever started expecting it for good behavior in general, I would stop.
Message edited 10/7/2010 1:19:49 PM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:07 PM |
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Rycois
Blessed with 2blue/2pink
Member since 12/05 13341 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I don't like to be a yeller b/c I don't like myself as a yeller. This past weekend I was edgy and stressed and yelled at Ryan a couple of times - he was being a little pesty. Once I snapped at him - I knew it was overboard and more my emotion than discipline. He yelled back at me "WE DON'T YELL". Deep breaths for all and we moved on. I can't be a yeller, when I have days like that I end up going to sleep feeling unsettled. So, for me, it's for my own well being (which in turn is good for theirs)
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:10 PM |
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rojerono
Happiest.
Member since 8/06 13803 total posts
Name:
Jeannie
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I don't like posting some answers in the forum because then you get people becoming defensive and thinking that my own ideology is somehow a personal attack on how they do things - so let me just say that I'm in NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM saying that 'my way' is the best way or the right way. I'm just saying it's how *I* do it. If anyone does it differently - more power to them.
So - that said - I try really hard not to yell at my kids. I'm human and I get frustrated and I snap and you WILL hear me lose my patience if you are around me often enough. I have even screamed my friggin' head off when pushed the the absolute limits of sanity. But I HATE that. I hate it because it means I've somehow lost control of the situation. I go from being the parent - the person my children look to as a role model and guide - to being some lady who yells because she doesn't know what else to do in the situation. There are ways to express displeasure without losing your voice. And I try so hard to find those methods.
I treat my children with respect. I treat them the way *I* want to be treated. I don't want someone yelling at me because they are annoyed with me or because I did something I should not have done. I try to take a minute and think "if that was me.. how would I want someone to handle this?"
I find it very hard to think of a single situation where yelling would be more effective than some other method.
And.. I want my kids to respond to me because they honor me.. not because they don't want to hear me freak out. Positive reinforcement was sooo much more effective for us. To this DAY my boys do things because they like to make me happy. Noah says it all the time "I love when you have that smile.." - and I know exactly which smile he means.
I know I sound like some crunchy granola freak.. but that's just how I feel.
Do I judge mom's who yell? No.. I figure they are just doing what they feel works for them and their families.
But - I will admit - that I will judge someone who curses at their child or uses abusive words to make them feel 'less'. That's inexcusable in my book.
Message edited 10/7/2010 1:23:52 PM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:21 PM |
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Reese1106
Family of 4! :o)
Member since 8/06 6655 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I'm a yeller but I'm consious of it and I try (very hard) to not make a habit of it. I was raised in a household where there was a lot of yelling and most of it was not good.
I usually end up yelling when Benjamin is doing something he's not supposed to be doing or where he could get hurt or hurt his brother and it's the only way I can get his attention.
I've also yelled when we're in the car and both kids are screaming about something and I'm afraid I'll drive my car into the divider because I'm distracted.
So, for me, I yell when I feel it's warranted but try not to make it a regular occurance.
My husband never yells. The boys seem to be intimitated by him enough that him just telling them not to do something with a normal tone of voice does the trick.
I'm not intimidating at all so the raised voice is necessary sometimes.
On the occasions where I have yelled at one of them and it really was more of an emotional or frustrated reaction on my part, I will say I'm sorry to the boys and, with Benjamin, try to explain why I yelled and why it wasn't nice. Ethan is only 17 mos so I don't think I've every yelled at him directly because he hasn't done anything "bad".
Benjamin yells at his brother so, again, I try to keep a handle on my temper because I don't want them to grow up how I did in that respect.
I respect my children and my husband and I feel the same way about each other. We want them to grow up knowing it's okay to make mistakes and to not be afraid to come to us because they're worried they'll get yelled at over every little thing they do. Again, this is how we feel and I don't judge anyone else on what works for them.
Message edited 10/7/2010 1:24:45 PM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:21 PM |
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I yell!
My Dh has to warn me first if he is opening up the windows. When they are open I am such a different person. Sometimes I think it's a good way to learn how to not yell as much.
eta: I yell but it's not all day everday.
Message edited 10/7/2010 1:33:26 PM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:25 PM |
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CunningOne
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Member since 5/05 26975 total posts
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I have to add too that when I yell, it's not just a command to get my point across. It usually happens after I have asked them repeatedly to do something. Like last night, I said, "dinner is ready, tv off, wash up and come sit down" Silence except for the TV. waited 5 more minutes because their food was cooling anyway. Go back to the living room, they notice my presence, I say it again. Not a muscle moved. I am in the kitchen now and I've already asked twice. Then it happens.. I yell for them to turn the TV off and get in here. The sudden angry sound from me gets them moving. I hate it. But I did ask them twice already. Going in and turning off the tv myself doesn't teach them to listen and do what they are told, kwim?
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:39 PM |
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renee92405
I finally hit 1000! woo hoo!
Member since 1/06 2294 total posts
Name:
Renee
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I yell and I hate it 
I get so frustrated when she completely ignores what I say over and over and I get to a point where I can't take it anymore. It upsets me so much that I start to cry. I am trying really hard not to yell. With my DD the yelling is ineffective anyway.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:50 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by chmlengr
I have to add too that when I yell, it's not just a command to get my point across. It usually happens after I have asked them repeatedly to do something. Like last night, I said, "dinner is ready, tv off, wash up and come sit down" Silence except for the TV. waited 5 more minutes because their food was cooling anyway. Go back to the living room, they notice my presence, I say it again. Not a muscle moved. I am in the kitchen now and I've already asked twice. Then it happens.. I yell for them to turn the TV off and get in here. The sudden angry sound from me gets them moving. I hate it. But I did ask them twice already. Going in and turning off the tv myself doesn't teach them to listen and do what they are told, kwim?
See, in that situation, I would turn off the TV and tell them now they can't watch it after dinner either because they didn't listen the first time.
I think I am turning into a mean mommy. Just quiet mean mommy.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:52 PM |
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lucyloo
nope
Member since 1/06 9758 total posts
Name:
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....
Message edited 3/7/2013 3:17:26 PM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:55 PM |
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LoveyQ
Stalkers, get a life.
Member since 11/07 12820 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I don't want DS (or any future children) to FEAR me or DH. At least not in a day to day kind of way. I don't mind if they fear us yelling at them, so I would like to use the yelling only for situations that are serious or dangerous. DS is only 7 months and not yet crawling/walking/talking (aka any of the things that may and probably WILL make me want to yell at him ) so what do I know, but that's what I'm aiming for.
I have seen first hand how living in a house where you got yelled at for everything can make the child react the same way in their own day to day situations and I don't want my DS to be like that.
I'm sure there are times I'll lose my mind and yell or whatever, but I don't want that to be the norm, KWIM?
Message edited 10/8/2010 11:35:40 AM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:56 PM |
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LoveyQ
Stalkers, get a life.
Member since 11/07 12820 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by colette
Linda some stuff I do will be to get RIGHT down at eye level with him and dramatically raise that eyebrow and say "ExCUSE me? We don't [name xyz infraction]. We do [name preferred behavior]". I'm winging it here but DS is only 2 and not very verbal (though he understands EVERYthing I say!). So I think it's important to NAME the offense, as well as the ALTERNATIVE.
Sometimes I'll even gently hold his hands while I explain, kind of forcing direct eye contact, kwim?
I give it a few seconds to sink in and then I get COMPLETELY over it - we move on quickly 'cause I don't want him to see a frown or mad face for too long after a minor behavioral glitch. Growing up my mom used to give us her "lesson" and when it was clear we got it, she'd always end with "OK, are we friends again?"  So you knew she still loved you no matter what you did. I plan to do that too as DS gets a little older
I've seen Colette do this with Shane and I have to say that I hope to be able to follow a similar disciplinary pattern with DS!
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| Posted 10/7/10 1:58 PM |
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KartveliT
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Member since 1/08 8363 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I do yell sometimes and I don't see anything wrong with occasional yelling (I do have a huge problem with constant yelling in the house, whether directed at kids or just in general) . DH on the other hand never yells and every time I yell at DD he'll stop me and try to remind me that "it's not good for DD or for me" doesn't always stop me though ...  I also talk loud , I'm Georgian so it's a norm for us , we are loud people
And IMO there is a big difference between yelling and screaming.
Message edited 10/7/2010 6:34:16 PM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 5:54 PM |
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jmf423
:)
Member since 5/05 6372 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I never pictured myself a yeller, and I hate that I lose my patience more than I would like. It is hard being home with 3 kids alone all day
When DS was younger, I never yelled at him. He responded to me just changing the tone of my voice. That has gone out the window After the babies were born he got very spoiled, because everyone felt bad for him and now I have to "un" do that damage.
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| Posted 10/7/10 6:22 PM |
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Dani922
Here's to new beginnings
Member since 10/07 7260 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I used to beat myself up for yelling, but then I stopped & thought about my childhood. When I misbehaved, my parents yelled & I'm in no way scarred from the experience. I always try to start with a firm no, then a firmer no, then one last try... then I yell. My daughter does NOT respond to being asked nicely. She needs to be yelled at or she'll keep going like she never even heard you say no. She's a thick-headed child & my patience will only carry me so far. There is however, a difference between yelling to discipline & between violently screaming/cursing out of pure anger. The latter is what I think is detrimental.
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| Posted 10/7/10 6:29 PM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
slight spin on this ...
why is it that i can remain 100% cool with DS, not yell, have patience
but i CANNOT for the life of me control myself and have patience with DH? I YELL at him 
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| Posted 10/7/10 8:02 PM |
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by JenBenMen
I YELL a lot
My mom and dad yelled
We are Italian
We yell
lol
this is funny but so true!
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| Posted 10/7/10 8:29 PM |
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I am not a yeller at all. My mom yelled continuously about everything until it was just loud background noise in my young little life.
That being said, I am a huge believer in the "scary mommy voice" - it's actually not a yell - but low, deep, and in his face - which is usually the last step before a time out. So that has been very effective.
That being said - if he is engaging in a behavior that might lead to his demise (running in a street, parking lot etc - which ended by 18 mts) that would bring on a scream. And usually a smack on the hand. I have not done either in well over a year, year and a half (he is 3.5 yrs old now)
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| Posted 10/7/10 8:49 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I do not like yelling. I dont like being yelled at. And Lets be honest when we are yelling, we arent yelling positive things. If your at the point where you have to raise yoru voice, then usually your yelling words that are not really constructive.
I dont think demanding actions is good, I dont think making kids feel guilty about actions is goo, I dont think embarassing them is good. All of which yelling does.
And all of which I do.
I know it makes me feel bad, and thats what makes it bad.
I think more then the "yelling" ..is the state I get in, that angry state where nothing constructive could happen based on my mood.
and sometimes I have yelled like an all out freaking crazy person. Scary. I would be scared if someone yelled at me that way and I'm an adult with tons of years of defenses etc built up.
Hope some of that made sense.
I think yelling when someones putting their finger in a socket or crossing a street alone type of thing is acceptable...
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| Posted 10/7/10 9:10 PM |
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LoveMySMT09
<3mySMT.AJT
Member since 1/09 2623 total posts
Name:
VT
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Diana1215
Posted by Porrruss
I HATE, LOATHE the word spirited. To me it's a euphemism for the word fresh. My mom has called Madelyn "spirited" and it makes me crazy.... call her what she is. A brat. THANKFULLY, she's only that way at home. She's a perfect polite little angel at school, with others,etc.
I HAAAAAAATE that I am a yeller. Never thought I would be, especially consodering I WORK with 3.5 year olds. Mads has started to mimic my behavior by yelling at us and that makes me so sad. I don't want to be a yeller.
I just find that my tolerance for the whining and bossiness is nil lately, so I resort to yelling, which really does NOTHING. Sometimes it frightens them and I don't like that either.
And ITA about the word spirited. I remember referring to Jack on here like that when he was younger - and then I realized that I was just saying BRAT but in a nicer way
I think there are different takes on the word "spirited"
I call my DD "spirited" but I dont mean "bratty" at all
I mean: independant, inquisitive, full of life, strong . . . -- not bratty
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| Posted 10/8/10 11:33 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I yell -
My DH yells immediately which I personaly don't think is a good approach .......
but I'm sorry, sometimes you can't reason w/ a 18 month old !!
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| Posted 10/8/10 11:47 AM |
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MamaLeen
:)
Member since 10/09 4594 total posts
Name:
E
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by rojerono
I don't like posting some answers in the forum because then you get people becoming defensive and thinking that my own ideology is somehow a personal attack on how they do things - so let me just say that I'm in NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM saying that 'my way' is the best way or the right way. I'm just saying it's how *I* do it. If anyone does it differently - more power to them.
So - that said - I try really hard not to yell at my kids. I'm human and I get frustrated and I snap and you WILL hear me lose my patience if you are around me often enough. I have even screamed my friggin' head off when pushed the the absolute limits of sanity. But I HATE that. I hate it because it means I've somehow lost control of the situation. I go from being the parent - the person my children look to as a role model and guide - to being some lady who yells because she doesn't know what else to do in the situation. There are ways to express displeasure without losing your voice. And I try so hard to find those methods.
I treat my children with respect. I treat them the way *I* want to be treated. I don't want someone yelling at me because they are annoyed with me or because I did something I should not have done.
I find it very hard to think of a single situation where yelling would be more effective than some other method.
And.. I want my kids to respond to me because they honor me.. not because they don't want to hear me freak out. Positive reinforcement was sooo much more effective for us. To this DAY my boys do things because they like to make me happy. Noah says it all the time "I love when you have that smile.." - and I know exactly which smile he means.
I know I sound like some crunchy granola freak.. but that's just how I feel.
Do I judge mom's who yell? No.. I figure they are just doing what they feel works for them and their families.
But - I will admit - that I will judge someone who curses at their child or uses abusive words to make them feel 'less'. That's inexcusable in my book.
I am glad you posted your method! My DS is only 4.5 months but I hope to discipline him in the same way you are describing. I think you are setting such a good example for your LO's and I agree in "treating them as you want to be treated" and how you said: I try to take a minute and think "if that was me.. how would I want someone to handle this?" Even though my DS is so young, I already try to think in that way, I am always trying to imagine how I would be feeling if I was him in that moment.
I know that must be difficult at times and takes an extreme amount of patients. 
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| Posted 10/8/10 12:28 PM |
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MamaLeen
:)
Member since 10/09 4594 total posts
Name:
E
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by mamakap
slight spin on this ...
why is it that i can remain 100% cool with DS, not yell, have patience
but i CANNOT for the life of me control myself and have patience with DH? I YELL at him
I am the same way, with babies/children I feel I have unlimited patience. With adults (specifically Dh ) my patience is definitely NOT unlimited.
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| Posted 10/8/10 12:33 PM |
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LoveMySMT09
<3mySMT.AJT
Member since 1/09 2623 total posts
Name:
VT
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by mamakap
slight spin on this ...
why is it that i can remain 100% cool with DS, not yell, have patience
but i CANNOT for the life of me control myself and have patience with DH? I YELL at him
simple answer - we take our aggressions out on those we love the most. if we did it at work we'd be fired. if we did it to strangers on the street we'd be arrested or theyd call the looney bin. SO -- we take it out on family or our SO. He knows you dont mean to hurt him. He knows that's how you deal with things. I do the same thing to Anthony sometimes
If you want, you can call me and yell at me
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| Posted 10/8/10 12:36 PM |
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