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Ophelia
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Diana1215
It's amazing because when I pictured myself as a mom, I didn't see myself being a yeller.
Jack knows how to push my buttons like no other. My mother says he is exactly how I was at his age.
Like Deb, when I was yelling alot Jack started yelling alot. His tone was different, he was honestly a nasty child towards me for a few months.
I have tried my best to deal with him in a calm manner. I walk away, I count, I do whatever I can. But, the reality is that this kid just likes to be difficult and I end up losing my cool. I feel bad because I hate how I sound. I listen to myself and think "This kid is only three years old, what are you doing?!" -- I also think "I would never yell at him like this if other people were around, so why am I doing it now?"
I wish that I could figure out a more effective way to discipline him, that doesn't make me feel like crap after. 
how is Tyler behaving?
I only ask b/c Luce is starting to be a bit um...spirited.
and I don't really yell at him...YET. now it's just a "LUCIAN" and he looks at me. but he is starting to "yell" at us when he doesn't get his way. too bad, so sad. but this is why I am so interested in what is going on. figuring them out is so hard.
guilt worked with my baby brother. I would tell him he made me sad and I don't play with boys who are bad and it would usually right his ship pretty quickly.
I don't think Luce is cut from the same cloth. 
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Posted 10/7/10 12:18 PM  |
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ruby
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by colette
My parents are Irish - no yelling; heck we barely spoke to each other at all 
So funny, this is DH and his family. Even when they are talking you can barely hear them.
I on the other hand I was raised in a household where yelling was the normal conversational level and screaming and hitting were the disiplinary ways. My brother and sister and I walked around on eggshells growing up. I don't want this and DH knows I don't either. I try to be "calm" but stern with DS...I stress calm because my childhood was anything but....there was always fear and tension and anxiety in my house because of all the constant yelling and threatening. I hated it and to this day am affected by it. I don't want this for DS or for his soon to be sibling. I'm also trying to strike a balance and DH and I are trying to look for our own "way" to discipline effectively (he had none) that doesn't involve screaming and fear.
Yelling for discipline I find fine and necessary at times, as long as I can find a calm way to do it, not a yelling that shows I've lost control...that I think is scary and ineffective in its intended purpose, coming from someone who was raised like this.
Message edited 10/7/2010 12:20:05 PM.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:19 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
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Diana
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by Diana1215
It's amazing because when I pictured myself as a mom, I didn't see myself being a yeller.
Jack knows how to push my buttons like no other. My mother says he is exactly how I was at his age.
Like Deb, when I was yelling alot Jack started yelling alot. His tone was different, he was honestly a nasty child towards me for a few months.
I have tried my best to deal with him in a calm manner. I walk away, I count, I do whatever I can. But, the reality is that this kid just likes to be difficult and I end up losing my cool. I feel bad because I hate how I sound. I listen to myself and think "This kid is only three years old, what are you doing?!" -- I also think "I would never yell at him like this if other people were around, so why am I doing it now?"
I wish that I could figure out a more effective way to discipline him, that doesn't make me feel like crap after.
how is Tyler behaving?
I only ask b/c Luce is starting to be a bit um...spirited.
and I don't really yell at him...YET. now it's just a "LUCIAN" and he looks at me. but he is starting to "yell" at us when he doesn't get his way. too bad, so sad. but this is why I am so interested in what is going on. figuring them out is so hard.
guilt worked with my baby brother. I would tell him he made me sad and I don't play with boys who are bad and it would usually right his ship pretty quickly.
I don't think Luce is cut from the same cloth.
It's so funny because they are VERY different. We knew from the time Jack was a very small baby that he was stubborn, hardheaded, and fresh. Tyler is super easygoing. Always happy. Never bothered. He just started having slight tantrums when Jack takes something away from him (can't blame him - he's been doing it for 11 months and now Tyler can finally stick up for himself)
I am hoping that he cuts me some slack 
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:24 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Ophelia
I only ask b/c Luce is starting to be a bit um...spirited.
and I don't really yell at him...YET. now it's just a "LUCIAN" and he looks at me. but he is starting to "yell" at us when he doesn't get his way. too bad, so sad. but this is why I am so interested in what is going on. figuring them out is so hard.
guilt worked with my baby brother. I would tell him he made me sad and I don't play with boys who are bad and it would usually right his ship pretty quickly.
I don't think Luce is cut from the same cloth.
cutting in here uninvited.
i have never used the word spirited.
I call it fresh.
We, as parents, love posting how advanced our kids are...pointing, clapping, singing, numbers, walking, independent...but I feel we back down with behavior expectations. I say expect from the very beginning...then they will grow into what you want them to be. They aren't going to be surprised one day when all of a sudden you expect them to act a different way
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:25 PM |
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OffWithHerHead23
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Meaghan
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I don't think yelling is bad at all. I yell all the time. In the hullabaloo that is 3 children, you HAVE to yell, I think.
I think what people on here are "getting down on themselves" about is that feeling of losing it... like when you yell because you've snapped. You can yell and still be in control of the situation and your emotions.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:29 PM |
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eddiesmommy
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Im a yeller....I dont see anything wrong with letting your child know that theyve pushed the limits.
However, for me, I dont think Im an effective yeller. I think after Ive yelled, that I coulve handed the situation better, been more patient. That I couldve gone about it differently. For me, it comes down to how I feel Ive handled myself, not so much that I think its wrong to yell at DS.
I also think that at DS age (hes 3) its also part of the development process at his age, they are testing their boundaries, realizing they are their own person and that (right or wrong) they have a say and some control over their own being. So I try to keep that in mind too when I want to yell, bc its not that he is being bad, hes trying to test and learn what his boundaries are and I have to help show him and teach him, and sometimes I think there is a better way to help him learn, rather than yelling.
I yell easily, so I think for me, being better about it, trying not to yell, is more an exercise in patience and kindness for me rather than trying to be nice to DS despite what his offense is...KWIM?
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:30 PM |
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Porrruss
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Amy
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Diana1215
It's amazing because when I pictured myself as a mom, I didn't see myself being a yeller.
Jack knows how to push my buttons like no other. My mother says he is exactly how I was at his age.
Like Deb, when I was yelling alot Jack started yelling alot. His tone was different, he was honestly a nasty child towards me for a few months.
I have tried my best to deal with him in a calm manner. I walk away, I count, I do whatever I can. But, the reality is that this kid just likes to be difficult and I end up losing my cool. I feel bad because I hate how I sound. I listen to myself and think "This kid is only three years old, what are you doing?!" -- I also think "I would never yell at him like this if other people were around, so why am I doing it now?"
I wish that I could figure out a more effective way to discipline him, that doesn't make me feel like crap after.
Man you are in my head..... word for word......
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:31 PM |
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Ophelia
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Janice
Posted by Ophelia
I only ask b/c Luce is starting to be a bit um...spirited.
and I don't really yell at him...YET. now it's just a "LUCIAN" and he looks at me. but he is starting to "yell" at us when he doesn't get his way. too bad, so sad. but this is why I am so interested in what is going on. figuring them out is so hard.
guilt worked with my baby brother. I would tell him he made me sad and I don't play with boys who are bad and it would usually right his ship pretty quickly.
I don't think Luce is cut from the same cloth.
cutting in here uninvited.
i have never used the word spirited.
I call it fresh.
We, as parents, love posting how advanced our kids are...pointing, clapping, singing, numbers, walking, independent...but I feel we back down with behavior expectations. I say expect from the very beginning...then they will grow into what you want them to be. They aren't going to be surprised one day when all of a sudden you expect them to act a different way
I feel the same way.
I didn't call it "Fresh" b/c he can't talk yet. but I would like to nip it in the bud. yelling and grabbing at things to do them harm are unacceptable...even in an 11.5 month old.
my husband was a bbbaaadddd boy. naughty. naughty. naughty.
there is a photo of him when he was about 3-years-old. I stole it b/c he looks so damned cute, and b/c in it I saw the naughty little boy that grew into the naughty (albeit, slightly differently ) man that I so love.
but I've always know that having that naughty spirit in a child will be far more difficult than having it in a husband.
I will not stand for it. hell no. 
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:32 PM |
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jambalady
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Holly
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Diana1215
It's amazing because when I pictured myself as a mom, I didn't see myself being a yeller.
Jack knows how to push my buttons like no other. My mother says he is exactly how I was at his age.
Like Deb, when I was yelling alot Jack started yelling alot. His tone was different, he was honestly a nasty child towards me for a few months.
This is exactly how I feel. I never thought I would be a yeller either, but there are days where I just lose it and feel like all I am doing is yelling. And, at that point it becomes completely ineffective.
And I hate that DS has started to mimic me. My formerly loving, sweet boy yells back at me in the same tone I yell at him.
I hate that he has learned it from me.
I would love to be able to calm myself down and be rationale with him, but when it doesn't work, I just lose it and there I am having a screaming match with a 2 1/2 year old.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:33 PM |
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OffWithHerHead23
Keep passing the open windows
Member since 10/06 3627 total posts
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Meaghan
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Janice
Posted by Ophelia
I only ask b/c Luce is starting to be a bit um...spirited.
and I don't really yell at him...YET. now it's just a "LUCIAN" and he looks at me. but he is starting to "yell" at us when he doesn't get his way. too bad, so sad. but this is why I am so interested in what is going on. figuring them out is so hard.
guilt worked with my baby brother. I would tell him he made me sad and I don't play with boys who are bad and it would usually right his ship pretty quickly.
I don't think Luce is cut from the same cloth.
cutting in here uninvited.
i have never used the word spirited.
I call it fresh.
We, as parents, love posting how advanced our kids are...pointing, clapping, singing, numbers, walking, independent...but I feel we back down with behavior expectations. I say expect from the very beginning...then they will grow into what you want them to be. They aren't going to be surprised one day when all of a sudden you expect them to act a different way
I agree. DH and I often get asked why we are so tough on our kids. I feel as though you have to set up expectations for them. They know what our expectations are. If they don't follow through with this, there are consequences, whether we are home, at school, grandma's house, whatever. My parents let us do whatever we pleased, and I saw how THAT worked out. I resolved to be a better disciplinarian then they were, and not take the easy road.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:33 PM |
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Celt
~~~~~~~~~~
Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
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colette
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Janice
cutting in here uninvited.
i have never used the word spirited.
I call it fresh.
We, as parents, love posting how advanced our kids are...pointing, clapping, singing, numbers, walking, independent...but I feel we back down with behavior expectations. I say expect from the very beginning...then they will grow into what you want them to be. They aren't going to be surprised one day when all of a sudden you expect them to act a different way
Janice 
Yes yes yes yes and YES.
Agree 1000%
Even though i'm a non-yeller, I definitely have expectations for DS, as my parents did for their brood. Non-yelling does not = a lack of expectations/consequences. As I said I avoid yelling simply because it's out of my "comfort zone". But I know even without yelling my mother's "Arched Eyebrow of Doom" was the single most effective non-verbal communication technique the world has ever known. Four of us would FREEZE and be 
It's funny NOW but at the time you knew she meant business, and I *think* that's the whole point of discipline -- to achieve a sudden and extreme CHANGE in behavior!
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:33 PM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
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Linda
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by colette
Posted by Janice
cutting in here uninvited.
i have never used the word spirited.
I call it fresh.
We, as parents, love posting how advanced our kids are...pointing, clapping, singing, numbers, walking, independent...but I feel we back down with behavior expectations. I say expect from the very beginning...then they will grow into what you want them to be. They aren't going to be surprised one day when all of a sudden you expect them to act a different way
Janice
Yes yes yes yes and YES.
Agree 1000%
Even though i'm a non-yeller, I definitely have expectations for DS, as my parents did for their brood. Non-yelling does not = a lack of expectations/consequences. As I said I avoid yelling simply because it's out of my "comfort zone". But I know even without yelling my mother's "Arched Eyebrow of Doom" was the single most effective non-verbal communication technique the world has ever known. Four of us would FREEZE and be
It's funny NOW but at the time you knew she meant business, and I *think* that's the whole point of discipline -- to achieve a sudden and extreme CHANGE in behavior!
How do you do it without yelling though?? I know the eyebrow thing...my mom had the eyebrow too!! Scared the Heck out of us.. but if the are misbehaving how do you get there attention!!
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:35 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
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Beth
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I think it's fine to change your tone, or raise your voice, on very rare occasion, to get the point across that the behavior is unacceptable, and I take no shame in admitting I do that with Alex from time to time. I think the yelling/screaming we are warned against are those parents that always raise their voice for everything - I think it sets a poor example for the children, that intimidation alone is the only means of resolving disputes.
Yes, there are times when raising your voice is a necessity, but it should be done on rare occasion, in my opinion. For other matters, I try to teach by example to my children that they can resolve issues, or express frustration without always resorting to losing your temper.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:35 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Linda1003
How do you do it without yelling though?? I know the eyebrow thing...my mom had the eyebrow too!! Scared the Heck out of us.. but if the are misbehaving how do you get there attention!!
Luce is starting to react to "the finger"
I've been saying his name curtly, in a different tone when he starts to loose his little mind and but my finger up (not wagging it in his face, more like pushing a "pause" button" and I tell him "no. we dont' act like this" in my stern, no fun mommy voice.
it works. sort of. he's still clearly ****** but he more like mumbles under his breath or talks to me like "ok mami, but I am not to happy, but I see you don't like my attitude" type of mumble
so I am going to continue working on that.
maybe I'll have "the finger" instead of "the eyebrow" 
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:39 PM |
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Celt
~~~~~~~~~~
Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
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colette
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Linda1003
How do you do it without yelling though?? I know the eyebrow thing...my mom had the eyebrow too!! Scared the Heck out of us.. but if the are misbehaving how do you get there attention!!
Linda some stuff I do will be to get RIGHT down at eye level with him and dramatically raise that eyebrow and say "ExCUSE me? We don't [name xyz infraction]. We do [name preferred behavior]". I'm winging it here but DS is only 2 and not very verbal (though he understands EVERYthing I say!). So I think it's important to NAME the offense, as well as the ALTERNATIVE.
Sometimes I'll even gently hold his hands while I explain, kind of forcing direct eye contact, kwim?
I give it a few seconds to sink in and then I get COMPLETELY over it - we move on quickly 'cause I don't want him to see a frown or mad face for too long after a minor behavioral glitch. Growing up my mom used to give us her "lesson" and when it was clear we got it, she'd always end with "OK, are we friends again?"  So you knew she still loved you no matter what you did. I plan to do that too as DS gets a little older
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:41 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I HATE, LOATHE the word spirited. To me it's a euphemism for the word fresh. My mom has called Madelyn "spirited" and it makes me crazy.... call her what she is. A brat. THANKFULLY, she's only that way at home. She's a perfect polite little angel at school, with others,etc.
I HAAAAAAATE that I am a yeller. Never thought I would be, especially consodering I WORK with 3.5 year olds. Mads has started to mimic my behavior by yelling at us and that makes me so sad. I don't want to be a yeller.
I just find that my tolerance for the whining and bossiness is nil lately, so I resort to yelling, which really does NOTHING. Sometimes it frightens them and I don't like that either.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:42 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
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Diana
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by colette
Posted by Linda1003
How do you do it without yelling though?? I know the eyebrow thing...my mom had the eyebrow too!! Scared the Heck out of us.. but if the are misbehaving how do you get there attention!!
Linda some stuff I do will be to get RIGHT down at eye level with him and dramatically raise that eyebrow and say "ExCUSE me? We don't [name xyz infraction]. We do [name preferred behavior]". I'm winging it here but DS is only 2 and not very verbal (though he understands EVERYthing I say!). So I think it's important to NAME the offense, as well as the ALTERNATIVE.
Sometimes I'll even gently hold his hands while I explain, kind of forcing direct eye contact, kwim?
I give it a few seconds to sink in and then I get COMPLETELY over it - we move on quickly 'cause I don't want him to see a frown or mad face for too long after a minor behavioral glitch. Growing up my mom used to give us her "lesson" and when it was clear we got it, she'd always end with "OK, are we friends again?" So you knew she still loved you no matter what you did. I plan to do that too as DS gets a little older
Can you come here and work with Jack for me! Pretty please.......
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:43 PM |
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Goldi0218
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Leslie
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Yelling for safety is one thing. Yelling for no good reason, IMO shows a lack of control and frankly isn't necessary. I can get the same results with honey than I can with vinegar. After 15 years of behavioral/therapeutic training in a psychiatric day tretament center as a special educator, if I can't manage the behaviors of ONE child without yelling, then I have no business being in the classroom with 8 children belong to other people.
I was raised in a house with yelling. I'm old enough to know I was a good kid and it was Mom's own BS that caused her to yell - not mine.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:44 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
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Diana
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Porrruss
I HATE, LOATHE the word spirited. To me it's a euphemism for the word fresh. My mom has called Madelyn "spirited" and it makes me crazy.... call her what she is. A brat. THANKFULLY, she's only that way at home. She's a perfect polite little angel at school, with others,etc.
I HAAAAAAATE that I am a yeller. Never thought I would be, especially consodering I WORK with 3.5 year olds. Mads has started to mimic my behavior by yelling at us and that makes me so sad. I don't want to be a yeller.
I just find that my tolerance for the whining and bossiness is nil lately, so I resort to yelling, which really does NOTHING. Sometimes it frightens them and I don't like that either.
And ITA about the word spirited. I remember referring to Jack on here like that when he was younger - and then I realized that I was just saying BRAT but in a nicer way
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:45 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Diana1215
Posted by Porrruss
I HATE, LOATHE the word spirited. To me it's a euphemism for the word fresh. My mom has called Madelyn "spirited" and it makes me crazy.... call her what she is. A brat. THANKFULLY, she's only that way at home. She's a perfect polite little angel at school, with others,etc.
I HAAAAAAATE that I am a yeller. Never thought I would be, especially consodering I WORK with 3.5 year olds. Mads has started to mimic my behavior by yelling at us and that makes me so sad. I don't want to be a yeller.
I just find that my tolerance for the whining and bossiness is nil lately, so I resort to yelling, which really does NOTHING. Sometimes it frightens them and I don't like that either.
And ITA about the word spirited. I remember referring to Jack on here like that when he was younger - and then I realized that I was just saying BRAT but in a nicer way
so fine. Luce can be a brat at times.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:46 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Goldi0218
I was raised in a house with yelling. I'm old enough to know I was a good kid and it was Mom's own BS that caused her to yell - not mine.
wow. never thought of that, but like it. my mother had 7 and was a yeller...i wonder if she yelled more when she was hungry or something...she really never had a chance to eat. We were all really good and she just did not need to yell all the time.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:48 PM |
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mamabear
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by headoverheels
. One is disciplinary and, IMO, serves a purpose. Another is just losing my temper, and that's not cool (not saying it doesn't happen, but I don't like when it does).
I like this distinction. this is what I want to watch as well.
ITA. if you yell a lot, i think it's more an anger management issue. and that can rub off on your child. anger isn't a good emotion. it doesn't feel good. my guess is that's why you see a lot of posts about feeling bad/guilty when you yell a lot--it's a reflection of anger inside, and it doesn't feel good to feel angry. KWIM?
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:48 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I won't use the words crazy or bad either.
Ped told me that bad just sticks with them. I will say not good...but never say bad.
Crazy...josh's medicine makes him crazy. Another mom told me not to call him that, that it gives him permission almost to do anything he wants. Like I am giving him a pass to be out of control.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:50 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
Posted by Ophelia
so fine. Luce can be a brat at times.
Awww... didn't mean to make you feel bad. It's my OWN issue with my own, <ahem> spirited child.
You think you and Diana have issues with your little freshies?..... you've never seen the dramariffic displays of a toddler girl.
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:52 PM |
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CunningOne
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Re: Can I ask a real and true question....why is yelling so "bad"?
I'm a yeller. DH is not. He tells me that the kids will grow up thinking that raising your voice is acceptable.
I tried it all, believe me. They don't listen. It's usually when I am rushed and trying to get out or get something done. They don't move unless I am yelling!
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| Posted 10/7/10 12:54 PM |
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