Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

How would you handle this kind of behavior? They are really putting a damper on family visits.

Message edited 12/31/2009 7:11:33 AM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

How about Wow your so lucky to have your DC develop so quickly, you know with how ugly they are.

I know you can't but wouldn't it be grand if you could.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Posted by Stacey1403

How about Wow your so lucky to have your DC develop so quickly, you know with how ugly they are.

I know you can't but wouldn't it be grand if you could.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Posted by Stacey1403

How about Wow your so lucky to have your DC develop so quickly, you know with how ugly they are.

I know you can't but wouldn't it be grand if you could.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Posted by MarisaK

Posted by Stacey1403

How about Wow your so lucky to have your DC develop so quickly, you know with how ugly they are.

I know you can't but wouldn't it be grand if you could.

It's sad that they're entire existence is wrapped up in what a baby is doing -

I think you should try to stop it now, say something directly - b/c now it affects you, but once the kids get older, it's going to affect THEIR relationship, and that's not fair -

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

My SIL has twin boys who are 5 months older than my son. Everything is "Twin A never did that, Twin B always does this, oh we don't do it that way, blah blah blah" I do as much ignoring as I can and when I really can't stand it, I give her a one liner like "Well every baby is different". I don't feed into it because she annoys the h ell out of me.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Message edited 12/31/2009 7:11:54 AM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Posted by MarisaK

Posted by Stacey1403

How about Wow your so lucky to have your DC develop so quickly, you know with how ugly they are.

I know you can't but wouldn't it be grand if you could.

It's sad that they're entire existence is wrapped up in what a baby is doing -

I think you should try to stop it now, say something directly - b/c now it affects you, but once the kids get older, it's going to affect THEIR relationship, and that's not fair -

Message edited 12/30/2009 8:24:31 AM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Message edited 12/31/2009 7:33:46 AM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Not sure if this would work for you in this situation but I just read in either parents mag or timeout ny a reader wrote in about a mom who immediately asks how their son did on a test and they don't want to share but the asking mom clearly does want to gloat so the columnist suggested that the parent simply respond "we're very proud of x" and then listen to mom #2 gloat. It seems that in your situation it's a little like when someone is fishing for a compliment about their appearance. SIL wants to brag but thinks it more subtle if she disguises it by asking about your DC or just wants to feel better inwardly b/c of an insecurity she feels as a parent. It would take tremendous restraint to tow that line and not say anymore but it would be fun to deny her the overt comparison if all you say is we're very proud of DC

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Gross. And I feel bad for their child, this kind of behavior can really damage that kid later on.
Its thoroughly obnoxious behavior, and they're not going to stop doing it more than likely, so your best bet is to not take the bait; ignore the question and ask where they got that outfit? Or just grab your cell and walk away and say you have to make a call
They'll get the message, but the key is to NOT let it rile you. They're trying to make you feel like your kid is "less than" so don't let them succeed. YOU know your child is 100% perfect, so be his/her silent advocate and do not engage this nonsense.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Posted by Stacey1403

How about Wow your so lucky to have your DC develop so quickly, you know with how ugly they are.

I know you can't but wouldn't it be grand if you could.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Posted by rojerono

You know your kid is great and beautiful and developing right on target - so don't let other's make you feel bad. Recognize that they are proud parents looking for an outlet to tell you about their child and it will be a lot more palatable!

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Couldn't you say something like:

"DC is doing great. We are happy with his/her progress its just so hard to keep track of it all. Plus I would HATE to bore you with the details."

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

With people like this, I become very vague. Example: "how many words does he say?" My answer, "hmmm, I'm not sure, a few, mostly animals, I haven't really counted them." In fact, I could do a quick count in my head because I know exactly how many words he can say, I'm just not telling them.

I have almost the opposite problem. My DS is delayed in a few areas and gets EI services. We have serious eating issues (refusal of almost everything but a few foods) and he was a late walker and talker. When I talk about his services or evaluations, I often get the "OH, he's FINE! He looks perfectly normal to me!"

I guess my point is this parenting thing is sometimes much more difficult than it needs to be because of OTHER PARENTS. It's frustrating, but don't let them get to you. I have my moments, but 95% of the time, I really try to focus on what my DS is doing, what he needs help with, and when to just let it go and have fun with him.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Message edited 12/31/2009 7:12:23 AM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Growing up my aunt (my mom's sister) was always trying to create competition between my cousins and me. If I got good grades she made it a point to say her kids were better at sports than me

To this day, when we are all in our 20's she still tries to make it a competition. Now that I am married with kids, a house and a husband (and all her kids are back home with her ) she wants to know how much DH and I make, how we afford our house, what our taxes our, etc.

I really have no good advice since you can tell this has been going in my family for 20+ years. Maybe try ignoring it that's what I do now.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Message edited 12/31/2009 7:12:49 AM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

I would have no tolerance for it and call them out on it by saying Is there some kind of competition that I'm not aware of? Do you get a parade for winning? and then just walk away.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

UUugh that is sooo rude and soo annoying! My DS has his delays, but, thankfully, no one every compared and they love him for who he is!

Maybe you can say something along the lines of "No, he's not doing it yet, but, he'll get get it" (not sure if you have a boy or girl).

Or, you can simply say "If you KNOW he's not doing it yet, why are you asking"?

I'd straight out tell your SIL she is rude! Not sure if this is your brothers wife or your DHs brothers wife...either way, have DH or Your brother stand up to your SIL and tell her to knock off the crap!

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

Message edited 12/31/2009 7:34:11 AM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

We have a very close friend like this. Our children are only 4 months apart and we see them ALOT. You know their kid can count to 130 and mine only 20. He said 8 word sentences at 18 months and mine had 5 words (you know like mama, dada, baby, baba, and uh-oh.) Honestly I just ignore it and I don't react to it. Easier said then done, but just let it roll off. Funny thing is, I'm with them so much and I've never seen/heard him do the things they claim he can do. It doesn't matter to me either way.

I've found that people who need to be competitive are just trying to make them feel better about themselves in some way. For example in my friends case, I think its that I work part time and spend more time with my kids and hers are in daycare 50 hours a week (by choice - she's off for 2 weeks and her DC are in daycare every day for 9 hours even when she's home) I feel this way because she's always trying to convince me that he's learning more etc because he's in school more, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, good for him. My DD is 3 and I don't need her to count to 130. She will when she's ready. Try to just let have their moment and not worry about it. You know your DC is developing at a healthy pace. It doesn't need to be a competition!

Message edited 12/29/2009 3:28:05 PM.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

I have a SIL who does the same thing, it started as soon as DS was born. I had issues with my milk supply at first so everytime I see her she tells me about her neighbor who had so much milk she had to store it in their freezer (she still tells me this and DS is a year old). She is always telling me how small DS is and that her neighbor's baby is "so cute because he is covered in rolls" so, you mean my child isn't cute because he is small???

He doesn't crawl, he scoots, so I get "oh, he isn't crawling?" with a 'concerned' face then it's "he isn't pulling himself up yet?"

When they came over for Christmas she had the nerve to "tsk, tsk" me because I hid his amoxicillian in his fruit. Yeah I know not ideal, but I needed to find a way to get him to take it!

I really think her issue is because her son has Down Syndrome and she is insecure about that. She doesn't have her child in any therapy, he is 5, he doesn't speak, is still in diapers and he has no social skills. I have two friends with children with Down Syndrome who are younger but are ahead of her DS but I don't tell her because I understand that all kids are different and progress at different rates.

I wish I had advice for how to handle it, all I do is give her vague answers, remind her that all kids progress at his/her own rate and try to remind mysef that it is her issue not mine. Although, sometime when I am really frustrated with her I'll finish her story for her and remind her that she that she has told me that about 100 times before.

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

I can't stand people like this. I have a friend whose son is 3 weeks younger than my DD. My DD did everything 'late', according to this girl. She did the same thing. Everytime we saw each other ' Is Gianna walking yet?' For MONTHS! She is just under 15 months and walking now, but since she turned 1 it was the same thing. I got so annoyed that when we saw her around the 13.5 mos mark, I looked her dead in the eye and said ' No she's not walking and getting into everything yet, thats why my house isnt as messy as yours.' (which I know wasn't very nice either) but I had had enough. Needless to say, she hasn't asked again, and granted, now that DD IS walking, my house is a disaster all day

Re: Could use some suggestions on how to handle competitive SIL and siblings

i have a gf who loved playing the competition game and i just ignored it... it actually was fun to catch her in some of her lies... as she felt the need to be soooo competitive that she actually did stretch the truth.. my favorite was when i said i started ds on a sippy at 5 1/2 months (just to play with of course) and she told me her dd had been using them for a month already and was fantastic with them... her dd was 6 weeks younger so that meant she gave her 3 month old a sippy.. about 2 weeks after the comment she called me asking how to start introducing a sippy.....

after that i never even acknowledged her competition