| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: 1 [2] 3 |
MsSissy
xoxoxo
Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by Kara
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
All of these are great, thanks for sharing!
|
Posted 2/19/08 1:18 PM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by Kara
You asked for it...
“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”
DH just called from work and I am literally crying. He must think being a SAHM this long has finally melted my brain!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:19 PM |
| |
|
LaurenExp
Waiting patiently for baby sis
Member since 8/06 11613 total posts
Name:
L-Diddy EDD 11/11/11 :)
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by Goobster
My other fav!!!
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
OMG!!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:19 PM |
| |
|
Phyl
R.I.P. Sweet Mia ♥
Member since 5/06 28918 total posts
Name:
The Mystical Azzhorse! ™
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Great thread!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:19 PM |
| |
|
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:20 PM |
| |
|
Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
"The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh"
Message edited 2/19/2008 1:21:02 PM.
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:20 PM |
| |
|
Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
“Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?”
Message edited 2/19/2008 1:20:44 PM.
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:20 PM |
| |
|
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by Goobster
"The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh"
LOVE THIS ONE!!!! LOL!!!!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:21 PM |
| |
|
Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”
“Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants”
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:22 PM |
| |
|
Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming."
This guy was hysterical...ah, miss those SNL days!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:22 PM |
| |
|
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by Kara
“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”
“Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants”
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:22 PM |
| |
|
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:23 PM |
| |
|
Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by maybebaby
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:23 PM |
| |
|
maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
My son is up crying now...so I gotta run but thanks to all who shared some of these...it made my day Funny how a little humor can make you feel a lot better!!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:24 PM |
| |
|
Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
"I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that."
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:25 PM |
| |
|
Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
"I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it."
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:26 PM |
| |
|
Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Okay, one more...
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend."
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:26 PM |
| |
|
McSullivan
.
Member since 5/05 1573 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.”
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:31 PM |
| |
|
MeNBobs
*****
Member since 4/07 3765 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
"Kids love jokes. so one day i told my 7 year old nephew that i would take him to disney world. instead, i drove him to a burned out warehouse and said, "uh oh, disney world burned down." he cried and cried, but deep down i bet he thought it was pretty funny."
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:44 PM |
| |
|
McSullivan
.
Member since 5/05 1573 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on."
This one always made me giggle.
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:48 PM |
| |
|
MeNBobs
*****
Member since 4/07 3765 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:49 PM |
| |
|
Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by MeNBobs
"Kids love jokes. so one day i told my 7 year old nephew that i would take him to disney world. instead, i drove him to a burned out warehouse and said, "uh oh, disney world burned down." he cried and cried, but deep down i bet he thought it was pretty funny."
Love this one!
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:52 PM |
| |
|
GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:58 PM |
| |
|
GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
|
| Posted 2/19/08 1:59 PM |
| |
|
MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22136 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
Posted by Goobster
OMG Loved these...even have a book.
LOVE this one
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. ... I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. ...
This is my favorite...I have such a clown phobia and this is soooo appropriate! Except for last part. 
|
| Posted 2/19/08 2:57 PM |
| |
|
| Pages: 1 [2] 3 |
