Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

WAyyyyyyyyyy too weird for me. I would have to say something - I would be so weirded out if my dad or my husbands dad said something like this.

I would NOT let your dc stay in their house alone for any period with him - I am sorry I know he is your FIL but better safe than sorry.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

There is no way that I would let him be alone with your DC, ever. My mommy instinct went up too, big time. Just the fact that you posted this shows how worried you are. IMO, addressing this with him will do nothing, except maybe finally make him realize that you are "on to him", and he will stop saying it, but still think it. As others have said and I'm sure your own research shows, it is unfortunately usually someone you know who abuses your DC's. No matter what (emergency, childcare situation, a party, etc.) I would not let her out of your sight with him around. You are her mommy and it is your responsibility to keep her safe.

Message edited 3/23/2010 11:08:28 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I would never leave my child alone with them if I were you. It sounds very Michael Jackson to me, about wanting to take a child into your bed. And we all know how mentally unstable he was. So for many reasons, I think you have every right to be concerned and this definitely needs to be addressed. But even still, even after I would never leave my child alone with my FIL if I were you.I can understand your DH doesn't want to think his dad could cause any harm to your DC but when it comes to your DDs safety, you must always take NO chances.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

unfortunately, your dh probably won't say anything...it will fall on you.

that's why this happens so often...people feeling funny about calling a fam member creepy.

this man isn't your blood, take one for your family's team. don't make dh do it, take it by the reigns.

next time he says it, say no. my daughter will only be sleeping in a bed with her husband. end of story.

he is being inappropriate and you are just answering back.

if it is innocent, then they won't think anything. if not, you are calling him out.

i really hope and pray it is nothing...but put your mind to ease with it.
my situation is different, he is a known crazy. i would be a fool to have him around my kids.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:04:45 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:05:09 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

IMO, you know that he'll probably never NOT want to have that closeness so all you can really do is stop the comments. I would say "You know comments like that make me and DH uncomfortable. We don't want anyone sleeping with our DD, she can sleep in a bed alone." If he says it again, i'd say "You saying it over and over won't make it happen."

You can then wait until DD gets older and explain to her that it's inappropriate for other people to sleep with her except mommy and daddy and then you can try to leave her there alone. If he DOES try to sleep with her, she'll tell you and then you can go ballistic if need be.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I agree that it is VERY weird and creepy. Like you said, even if it is innocent in the physical sense, it seems weird even on an emotional level. Please trust your instincts. Either you or DH needs to say something ASAP in the form of a direct, private conversation. Sorry you are going through this

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

You mentioned that your DD is "older" now. Can I ask how old?

I only ask because my DD has taken naps w/ my FIL before. I actually snuck in and took pictures because it was the cutest thing ever--but my DD is only 15 months. AND, he has never since voiced his desire to do that again...THAT would definitely set my alarm sounding, too.

ITA with what everyone else has said, though--your radar is sounding, and it's important NOT to ignore that. I think it's a gift that us moms are given to alert us when something is NOT right, and you have to trust that.

I also agree with Janice that you should probably be the one to say something. It would probably be taken in a much different way coming from you than it would from his own son.

What an awkward situation to be in, I'm so sorry...

Message edited 3/23/2010 11:41:29 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:07:05 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

The fact that you have said to him that no one needs to sleep/nap with your DD, but he keeps saying it, is what sets off my alarms. If he's not deaf, he is playing dumb on purpose, and that is NOT cool. Never EVER doubt your mommy instincts

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

My DD has napped with my dad- more like her falling asleep on him and then him dozing off- but she's older now and if was a voiced interest I'd just be weirded out. As others have said, trust your gut. I would be anxious too.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:06:30 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Well my DD has taken a nap with my mom and dad and regularly co-sleeps with us. She has stayed over their house one night and I know she slept in between both of them (they take care of her while we work). I didn't think it was "inappropriate", but I think this is the root of the problem you are having. Something is telling you that there is something wrong with your FIL. So any one on one contact with him is making you uneasy. I agree with all the PP that you need to trust your mommy instinct. To be honest, my DD would not be allowed to sleep with my in laws-it just wouldn't happen.

Message edited 3/23/2010 11:55:40 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

This is what I find so creepy (the multiple requests)- if it were me I would avoid them at all costs.

Message edited 3/23/2010 11:56:26 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

When my DS is over at his grandma and grandpa's house he takes a nap with them every time. BUT, I KNOW, they would never EVER hurt him. If for one minute I thought they would or got "that" feeling, NO WAY. Trust your gut. What I have learned in my big 3 years of parenting is that my gut is ALMOST always right on...



Edited for spelling.

Message edited 3/23/2010 11:54:45 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Sorry to be crashing - I am CF.
Reading this post really raised my hackles and the ick factor.

Time to start getting tough with the old man.
Tell him flat out that he sounds like a freakin child molestor, and that if he wants 'company' or 'something to rub' when he naps, he should get a teddy bear.

This will most likely alienate your ILs, but how much more do you have to say until this man "gets it" ?
That this man is 'needy' shouldn't be used as an excuse - this behavior is just downright disgusting and perverted.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I'm sorry, I just went and re-read your original post, and you said it right in the first sentence.

It's funny, because when my DD took a nap with my FIL, it was more of the kind of thing that it just sort of "happened". We were visiting, and I asked FIL if he could keep an eye on her so I could grab a quick shower. I guess she got fussy while I was getting ready, and I passed by the room and found them both passed out with Sprout on I think I didn't feel uncomfortable about it because I was there, and the door to the room stayed open--I was able to walk by whenever and check on her.

I think if it had been any other way, I would have been bothered by it.

Message edited 3/23/2010 11:58:43 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

if ANYONE made me feel weirded out by their desire for my kid's companionship I would be on high alert.

sorry grandpa. he needs to reign that ish in.

especially after the article I just read in Glamour.

HELL NO. it only take ONE TIME to scar your child for LIFE.

and if dh doesn't say something soon, I would call him out on it next time I hear it.

I would just say something like "my daughter doesn't nap with ANY man except her daddy. for some reason the thought of it and your comments are making me very uncomfortable. call me crazy, but I think you should take the IDEA to bed with you and put it to rest. it's NOT happening"

not saying it will be easy, but I am sure putting it out there would make you feel better.

and, it may be time to have a VERY basic conversation about your daughter about appropriate touching and NO SECRETS EVER from mommy, no matter what...just in case.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:07:25 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Posted by Ophelia

if ANYONE made me feel weirded out by their desire for my kid's companionship I would be on high alert.

sorry grandpa. he needs to reign that ish in.

especially after the article I just read in Glamour.

HELL NO. it only take ONE TIME to scar your child for LIFE.

and if dh doesn't say something soon, I would call him out on it next time I hear it.

I would just say something like "my daughter doesn't nap with ANY man except her daddy. for some reason the thought of it and your comments are making me very uncomfortable. call me crazy, but I think you should take the IDEA to bed with you and put it to rest. it's NOT happening"

not saying it will be easy, but I am sure putting it out there would make you feel better.

and, it may be time to have a VERY basic conversation about your daughter about appropriate touching and NO SECRETS EVER from mommy, no matter what...just in case.

Message edited 3/23/2010 12:07:29 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

i totally agree with you,dont allow it. just say no thanks. make sure dh knows to say no... so many of those stories are people you's never expect and there is no need to chance it

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I am not going to get into specifics and I don't have time to create a fake account so I could talk about this frankly.

Let me just say that we had a situation of sexual abuse / incest in our family and it was never talked about with the adults because it would have ruined the family. So follow your instincts, protect your child, and somehow say SOMETHING. Because it isn't worth the long term effects if something were to happen that you would later regret.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

It's all very weird, and I would be very uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Your DH even agrees that something needs to be said, so it's not like your instincts are way off either.

IMO, the moment your DH became a father, your DD became his #1 primary concern. I would imagine he feels like he is in an awkward position, but being a good father trumps being a good son. Your DH needs to speak up, be very clear, and draw the line that can NOT be crossed.

"Dad, listen, you've said this several times, and we're trying to say this to you as nice as possible, but under no circumstances are you to sleep in the same bed as DD. We don't do it, and we don't want to encourage that type of behavior. Even expressing your desire to nap with her is unacceptable to us."

If his feelings get hurt, he can crawl into bed, alone, lick his wounds and get over it.

It sounds like your IL's truly love your DD. There feelings might get hurt, but too bad.

So sorry you are going through this.