Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

One of DH's favorite things to do is to take a nap with the kids and when he says he's taking a nap & does anyone want to nap with him - well it's a sweet gesture. I think it's a very common thing with parents - napping with their children. I don't think twice about it, I'm not creeped out.

You are. Your instincts are telling you that something is off - and you need to go with it. If he said something ONCE about napping & rubbing her back, I probably would have thought it was odd. Saying it MULTIPLE times, raises bells & whistles & all kind of alarms. and frankly, after reading it, I want to punch your FIL.

Something IS off. The next time he says something - address it.

Say "DD naps alone - she doesn't need anyone rubbing her back to go to sleep - and she never will. We're teaching her to go to sleep without help from anyone." You don't have to make it personal - make it about teaching her good sleeping habits but NEVER, NEVER, NEVER leave her alone with the two of them. Even if MIL is there, she could leave them alone.

As for your MIL, she may think something is off with her comment about not being able to sleep in the bed with her in it because she'd worry about her. She doesn't want her in the bed.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

there is one phrase that you used in a previous post: "emotionally incestuous". spoke volumes. i'm so sorry you're going thru this, your mommy insticts are always right. and if they're not, better safe than sorry.

i agree with a PP that you need to step up to the plate and take one for the family. no matter how crystal clear you explain the situation to your DH, he won't "get it". you're the one that sees and feels this nasty creepy feeling, next time it happens, stop it in it's tracks and go to town on FIL. yes, it might be a little over the edge, but if you've calmly tried to dissuade him from saying these things before and he's STILL doing it, it needs to be taken care of. NOW. not later, NOW.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Obviously this is a fake name. I need to get this off my chest...

When I was younger I was molested by my grandmother's 2nd husband. I HAVE to believe that the signs were ignored. I distinctly remember being "tickled" in the kitchen with my family not far away. He often wanted to be alone with me, take me on errands or whatnot. I remember being touched in the car. (God, that makes me want to throw up) I cried when my mother would tell me to go. I hated this man so much and thinking about him now infuriates me. I went to his funeral because I needed to see that he was dead. And I sobbed during the funeral. I cried because it was finally over and I wouldn't have to deal with that crap anymore.

I am not trying to compare your FIL to this man. I just say trust your instincts. And if your daughter comes to you and says something please believe her. My mother never did and I still have a rough relationship with her over 20 years later. I am sorry that you even have to have these uncomfortable thoughts about someone so close to your DD.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

There are a million other ways for 'Grandpa" to try to be the favorite w/ a 2 year old child - Grandpa could tell you he wants to take her for ice cream, Grandpa could tell you he wants to take her to Toys R Us, Grandpa could tell you he wants to take her to the park, buy her a swingset, a dollhouse, take her to the circus - There are a million APPROPRIATE and understandable things Grandpa can do if he's SO desperate to be the favortie and be 'close' and loved by your child -

Grandpa so desperately wanting his Grandchild in his bed, is NOT normal.........

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Posted by nbc188

Posted by Ophelia

if ANYONE made me feel weirded out by their desire for my kid's companionship I would be on high alert.

sorry grandpa. he needs to reign that ish in.

especially after the article I just read in Glamour.

HELL NO. it only take ONE TIME to scar your child for LIFE.

and if dh doesn't say something soon, I would call him out on it next time I hear it.

I would just say something like "my daughter doesn't nap with ANY man except her daddy. for some reason the thought of it and your comments are making me very uncomfortable. call me crazy, but I think you should take the IDEA to bed with you and put it to rest. it's NOT happening"

not saying it will be easy, but I am sure putting it out there would make you feel better.

and, it may be time to have a VERY basic conversation about your daughter about appropriate touching and NO SECRETS EVER from mommy, no matter what...just in case.

See, I agree with this. There's no doubt about the fact that I would be VERY uncomfortable with this talk AND I would call him out on it, point blank, saying something along these lines...kind of making it known that your red flag is up and very well aware that that talk is happening often and hopefully nothing more than thoughts are happening.

I'm sorry, but this needs to be addressed. Not just for your child but for others

ETA: Honestly, potentially offending a family member is zero priority in this situation...protecting your child and others IS the priority.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I'm sorry I can't even be gentle here, your FIL is SICK. NEVER leave DD with them under any circumstances. Never.

I agree with PP who said the next time he's inappropriate, look him DEAD in the eye, no matter who is around, and tell hiim "I've repeatedly asked you to STOP requesting to nap with our daughter. It's inappropriate, and YOU need help. I will NOT have it anymore. We are leaving." And do it. Walk out the door and do NOT visit again until they tell you what they're doing to resolve the situation.

What is up with your DH not hearing it? That bothers me almost as much as your FIL saying it. And MIL pussyfooting around it makes me very very very concerned for your DD.

I'm sorry, these people ARE NOT to be entrusted with your daughter, ever. I don't care how many invites you have to turn down or how much you have to pay in babysitting fees, DO NOT give him the opportunity. PLEASE I beg you.

Please think about it logically. What grandparent's #1 goal is to SLEEP with their grandkids???? Don't grandparents want to PLAY with them, take walks, eat ice cream, go to the park???? This NAP fixation is completely untoward and abnormal.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

ConcernedAnon, I'm sure your head is swimming with all the replies and the sensitivity factor but I want to add one thing that may illustrate just how insidious this behavior can be...

Does this LOOK like this face of a man into child porn?



Of course not. He looks like a "Mr. Rogers" grandfatherly businessman. Which he was.
Meet Bob Johnson - the former CEO of a company I used to work for, (Bowne & Co.) who was indicted on child pornography charges in 2005. Link to article
Prior to Bowne he was the publisher of NEWSDAY.
This was a man who had power, money, and influence (he was on the BOARD OF REGENTS for God's sake!!!!). I worked at the HQ location so frequently saw him, and met/spoke with him several times at company events during my tenure there. Butter wouldn't melt in this guy's mouth.

I know that legally child porn and child molestation are very different crimes but I mention this story ONLY to get you to consider the possibilities... To protect your daughter you MUST rid yourself of the notion that "family" especially "Grandad" couldn't possibly have bad intentions toward your daughter. He may and since child molestation is a crime of opportunity you must ensure the opportunity NEVER presents itself. I'm so sorry.

BTW Johnson's 15 month prison sentence (for downloading THOUSANDS of pornographic images to his WORK COMPUTER) was a joke. I don't know how much time he served but he got off lightly in any case (and the sentencing judge ADMITTED that, citing his "history of community service" or some nonsense).

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

There are PLENTY of ways he could ask to spend time alone with her that would not set off my alarms. Taking her for ice cream, for example. The napping thing IMO is just plain weird - add in the rub/massage back comments and the alarms just ring louder.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Message edited 3/23/2010 3:34:37 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I came back on here because I am absolutely SICK TO DEATH over this.

To the OP, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE never ever ever leave your child alone with these people. Whether it be to take her out for something as innocent as ice cream. DO NOT let her out of your sight for a second with him.

He is sick.

He is grooming her.

Please.... just follow your instincts.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

His behavior is inappropriate and disgusting! This needs to be addressed head on. No room for politeness or worries about hurt feelings here. FIL needs to be told that his comments are inappropriate and if he ever mentions it again that will be your last visit to them! If your dh wont do it, then you should. And even if the comments do stop I would never never never leave my child with them for any reason! Ever!

At the end of the day, if you offend anyone...too bad! I'll tell you what, I wont lose sleep if my ILs (or anyone else for that matter) is upset with me or thinks I'm crazy. But not protecting my child - that would kill me and I don't think i could ever forgive myself.

Always trust your instincts!

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Posted by Hell-No

Obviously this is a fake name. I need to get this off my chest...

When I was younger I was molested by my grandmother's 2nd husband. I HAVE to believe that the signs were ignored. I distinctly remember being "tickled" in the kitchen with my family not far away. He often wanted to be alone with me, take me on errands or whatnot. I remember being touched in the car. (God, that makes me want to throw up) I cried when my mother would tell me to go. I hated this man so much and thinking about him now infuriates me. I went to his funeral because I needed to see that he was dead. And I sobbed during the funeral. I cried because it was finally over and I wouldn't have to deal with that crap anymore.

I am not trying to compare your FIL to this man. I just say trust your instincts. And if your daughter comes to you and says something please believe her. My mother never did and I still have a rough relationship with her over 20 years later. I am sorry that you even have to have these uncomfortable thoughts about someone so close to your DD.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

My feeling is that child molesters usually ARE the aunts, uncles, in-laws (i.e. people you wouldn't think/ people you usually trust). So, don't feel silly or like you're overreacting if you have this bad feeling. No one ever finds out someone is a molester and says, yeah that guy always SEEMED like a molester, kwim?

Anyway,

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

It's definitely inappropriate for him to be saying these things. Something is not right. My own father and FIL would never say anything about sleeping with their granddaughter.

I would never let him never DD alone or even with your MIL.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I have a confession to make I was sexually abused by my grandfather from when I was very young up until 11 or 12 I never told anyone until a few years ago.....
I had a terrible childhood no one suspected anything I went through many years of depression ....even now I am still traumatized and haunted about my past.....
MY DS will never be left alone with my dad .... even though he never has said anything or acted in a way that is inappropriate I still see something in him that is unsetteling... yes he is my dad but he can only see DS in our company

I rather be safe than sorry and I feel if you have that instinct go with it.....
I wish my mom would have felt something was going on....

Love your child so much that nothing means going too far feelings can be hurt but abuse is something much harder to forget....

Take care

Maybe this will help someone

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

He is a creep that is trying to disguise his true intentions by making them VERY obvious and trying to sound innocent! Please go with your gut instinct and protect your daughter!

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Wow, I am sick over this for you.

My concern is not a child napping with their grandparent, my concern here is the fact that he is constantly trying to get her alone. The fact that he keeps mentioning napping with her. Obviously you know what you have to do, and she is to never be left alone with him. As a PP said, I wouldn't even let FIL and MIL babysit for fear that MIL may run out and FIL is home alone with your DD.

To the anon poster who says she was molested, I cried reading your post. I am so sorry that happened to you. No one should ever experience what you went through

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

everyone who shared their story is brave and I am sorry for what you all went through!

Message edited 3/23/2010 2:07:52 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I won't quote anyone but Dear God to all the ladies who've shared their experiences on here; it's very brave of you all and I appreciate your honesty. It's a real reminder to me that I must be vigilant at ALL times, with every adult my DS comes in contact with... It's a fine line to walk between caution and paranoia but as parents that's what we've got to do...

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Posted by colette

I won't quote anyone but Dear God to all the ladies who've shared their experiences on here; it's very brave of you all and I appreciate your honesty. It's a real reminder to me that I must be vigilant at ALL times, with every adult my DS comes in contact with... It's a fine line to walk between caution and paranoia but as parents that's what we've got to do...

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Posted by colette

I won't quote anyone but Dear God to all the ladies who've shared their experiences on here; it's very brave of you all and I appreciate your honesty. It's a real reminder to me that I must be vigilant at ALL times, with every adult my DS comes in contact with... It's a fine line to walk between caution and paranoia but as parents that's what we've got to do...

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

to those who have shared.

as far as protecting kids...it is so hard to take a stand when you are in that position. People do not like me and have called me crazy, thank God DH stays quiet. That is what I can expect from him...just don't fight me on it, I don't care if you just stand there not taking a stand.

The most helpful advice I have gotten was from freaking Bill O'Reilly, who I can't stand. I read one of his books...he says treat all molesters the same. treat the creepy uncle the same exact way you would treat the creepy guy living on your street. that is the only way this sickness is going to stop.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I would not want my DS napping with anyone but me or DH. That's just weird. I would trust my instincts. Your child is priority #1, not his feelings. I wouldn't even make small comments at this point. I would just be blunt and in his face about it and never let my child be alone with them. **** his feelings getting hurt.