Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/23/2010 4:50:40 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

WOW

.....to the ladies who shared their story I'm so sorry for what you've been through. How brave you must be to share that with us in the hopes of helping someone else. You are strong and survivors and the BEST way to get through it is to be an advocate for an end to this type of behavior everywhere

To the OP....at first I was a bit creeped out and thought it was a bit strange. I almost got a little bit put off by people jumping on him and calling him sick etc. It seemed such a harsh judgment. Then I continued to read your posts and then finally read your last post about you "pushing" your dd and how he loves her most and that did it for me.

I know I don't need to tell you to never, ever leave her alone with them.

This needs to be put to an end. NOW.

I agree with Janice in that maybe your DH doesn't have the heart since it's HIS dad. In this case, BE the bad guy. The very next time her makes a comment....I would look him dead in the eye and say, "I've repeatedly asked you to stop saying things like that. It makes me uncomfortable. If you can't respect my family, I'm sorry, but we'll be leaving"

You do not have to stand by and listen to anyone say anything to you or your dd that makes you uncomfortable. If that makes you the bad guy or "crazy" than so be it. If he ever wants to see her again, he'll get over it and stop saying those things.

And for the record, my personal belief is that there is nothing wrong with napping with your child, I find it endearing. But it's something that I feel is reserved for mommy and daddy.

Also, my ds has fallen asleep many times on the lounger chair with my dad while watching TV in the living room, but there has never been a request for a nap in a bed together. That's where it gets creepy.

I'm sorry you're even dealing with this at all, but def better to be safe than sorry

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I don't want to repeat what everyone else has already said but wanted to wish you luck & courage when speaking to FIL.

Also, do you think that maybe something happened between FIL & DH when he was a kid and that is why he chooses to ignore what is being said to DD?

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

You are 100% right to be concerned about this. I would be disgusted by him saying this repeatedly and I would either avoid him completely or need to address it in a straightforward way. He needs to know you mean business and have your eye on the situation.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

This concerns me for a few reasons- besides the obvious one, but also the fact that he says it to to you and not in front of DH.

It sounds like he is trying to assert some control over you by making you feel uncomfortable - which makes me worry about other things.....

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:12:41 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I agree 100%!!! Go with your mommy instinct....more than likely you are right about him.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Extraordinarly creepy - I don't think it's normal for a grandparent to express such an intense interest in sleeping with a grandchild in their bed. It would definitely raise red flags with me, and even if my DH disagreed, I would go against his wishes and make it known to this person that he will never be spending time along with my child.

We are the mother bear - we protect our children when no one else will - we have instincts about our children and their safety that no one else experiences. I don't give a flying fark what anyone thinks - I will take whatever measure, even if against their own blood, to trust my instincts and protect my young.

It sounds to me like your FIL doesn't have any clue how inappropriate he is coming across, which raises even more red flags. I would respond to him each and every time that your child will never, EVER sleep in anyone's bed other than her parents, and that you think to allow otherwise is unusual, strange and inappropriate.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Mommy's instincts are usually right. if you have a bad feeling. Address it.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Posted by Ophelia

soo sorry!!!!
first to all those who have experienced abuse, I am deeply sorry. you ARE all very brave to share your story.

to the OP, this is how I feel in my soul.

EFFFFFFF EVERYOONNNNNEEEEEEEEEE.

YOU are your child's protector. you MUST be able to EAT OTHER PEOPLE, dh included, if they don't see the danger you do.

I don't give a rolling fluck what ANYONE thinks, including my husband, if I feel there is a danger. there COULD POSSIBLY BE a wolf sniffing around your hen house. time to bring out the big guns.

YOU step up to the plate. PLEASE don't wait. you let that wolf know you see beyond sheeps clothing. you let that wolf know you are on to his scent.

people talk about feelings...my child's feelings and well being TRUMP ALL. your FIL is a grown man. he can SUCK IT UP. sorry. his feelings simply DO NOT COUNT. neither do your husbands.

and I say this in the most loving way possible. with all the love I have in my heart for my husband, I will NEVER allow him to block me from being my child's most vigilant and ultimate protector...I don't care how "crazy" "paranoid" "ridiculous" or "mean" it makes me seem.

please know that...I would never hesitate in your position..don't think you'd be this heinous person for doing so!!!!! there are others who would do the same!! and if FIL doesn't like it, tell him to read this thread!!!

I wish you so much luck!!!! and God bless and protect your dd!

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

I am not a mother and thankfully never been in that situation but please please listen to your instinct. Your FIL sound really weird. Also read this month Glamour magazine. They have an article written by women who was molested by her grandfather. She talk about how he always wanted to sleep with her or her sister and the molestation stated by he rubbing her back.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Big red flags. Big. Big. Big red flags.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

If there is anything I learned from the course I took on protecting children from sexual abuse it is to trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

This topic hits VERY VERY close to home to me for reasons I am sure you can surmise but, I won't spell out..

Heres' my take. Do I let my dad nap with my baby. Yup. In fact, if he's napping on the couch and DS is sleepy I put DS on his chest and they nap. Do they go off to a room together. NOPE! But, My dad (stepdad) has never asked. Do I let him watch DS alone, sure.

I just think that asking over and over to take a nap alone with DC is really weird. If it happened that I was stressed and DS fell asleep with my dad I wouldn't think twice about leaving the room.. but, that would kind of just happen that way. But, expressing a desire to go take a nap.. over and over.. that is creepy..

It sets off alarms to me. I think you should trust your gut. I sure wish the numerous people that had alarms go off in my situation had trusted their guts.

But, I also don't think that people become child molestors for the first time at that age. I mean, sure it happens.. but, there is usually a pattern. Is there any reason to think that DH or his siblings were abused.. or a cousin...

I guess.. in the end.. I think you are right.. something is wrong. He is trying to set up a trust and make himself important... So then he can tell her to keep a secret It is just so awful to think about. I mean.. it could be innocent.. but, I wouldn't gamble on it.

Honestly, If it were me I would go with your gut.... even it causes irrepairable damage to your family.. which beware.. it might. I saw it first hand. It is only now.. 20 years later that my bio Dad's family feels bad for taking his side. KWIM?

ETA: I feel so bad for the situation you are in. It is my worst nightmare. Please be strong and stick to your guns. At the very least please drill into your DD how bad secrets are. Child molesters will ask children to keep secrets. Please please please tell her that secrets are bad and that NO ONE should ever ask her to keep a secret from you. Please

Message edited 3/23/2010 7:32:46 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Posted by MsMBV

Several things bother me.
The obvious is the inappropriate behaviours and the repeated attempts to groom your daughter in such a blatant way.

The other is that he is trying to make it seem, to your child, that HE is more loving, caring, etc than YOU, even going so far as to make it seem like you "pushed" her & that you are a bad mommy?

No offense, and please do not take this the wrong way, but get him out of your life. Not only is there a danger physically, but he is completely effing with the inherent trust that a child has for their parent. It ends now.

Also, have a chat with DH. I have a feeling that his "not hearing" what FIL is saying, may actually be him not wanting to hear, because he knows it is true & does not want to face it.

To all of the ladies who came out & shared personal experiences, thank you for your bravery.

Please do not let anyone stand in the way of giving your family the life they deserve.

Message edited 3/23/2010 7:18:41 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

It would def eat at me and I would just be super/overly aware of everything that goes on bt my child and him but without any real incidence I don't think I would say anything to dh. He can just be a super affectionate person and have no inappropriate thoughts and this could really offend your husband if this is the case..kwim?

With that said, I would not ingnore my mommy instinct and I would not allow him to nap with my child or even be alone with my child for that matter.

Also, is there a bil/sil you can talk to in confidence..someone not directly related to him that would not be offended?

Okay, I just read more of your post and he sounds very creepy in general and it seem to me like your dh sees a lot of the things he does. I would never leave my child there alone and be on guard at all times. I would also be very honest with your husband bc he does a lot of things that are not acceptable

Message edited 3/23/2010 10:07:17 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

My dad is a pretty touchy-feely type of parent.. he rubs my back all the time when he sits next to me, he's very demonstrative towards my children.. so for me, it wouldn't really make me feel strange that my dad wanted to take a nap with my kids (actually he usually falls asleep on the couch with them)...

If your mommy instincts are going up, that's one thing, and I appreciate that- but maybe he's just a demonstrative type of guy?

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

If he says it again I would reply, "That is just NOT normal, and it is inappropriate." You will have to make your reply as soon as he says it. DH may beat around the bush as to not hurt his feelings. You don't have to go crazy and emotional. Just tell him to stop the nonsense.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 4/6/2010 10:06:58 PM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:13:20 AM.

Re: Sensitive topic - grandparent saying things that make me uncomfortable and concerned

i haven't read this whole thread - but i wanted to apologize to you for even having to have these thoughts enter your mind.. it's not easy - it's not fun - but if your flags are raised - then it's a problem. mommy instinct/gut reactions are right MOST of the time.

if it is said again in front of you - your response should be quick & basic and leave NO questions to be asked further. i would reply with, 'the only person to nap with my child will be DH and me. period, end of story.'

if he asks why or persists - simply tell him that in your family this is not a normal situation and you aren't comfortable with it. your DH has to defend you - that's important!