Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

A while back I had posted about how our IL's forgot our anniversary and DH and I being upset. I had sent an email to them (since that is how we communicate mostly because they live in FL) letting them know we were disappointed.

Well..that stemmed a HUGE ORDEAL and A LOT of things were said by them that I found to be very hurtful.

For example: they made reference to my not knowing them "long" enough to send that, and how it was IMPERSONAL for me to send an email. How long is long enough to know you before I am allowed to vent how WE felt? I didn't know there was a time frame or that they were keeping a tally of how long we've been together before I am actually allowed to say something. Marrying their son and having a child means nothing I suppose because it's only been 3 years!!

Apparently they were "very hurt" by my sending this to them and called DH to complain and to ask him if I would call them. Ok..I didn't think it was THAT big of a deal, and I didn't call them. My feelings were if they wanted to talk/discuss the matter, they could have very easily called the house, instead of talking through him. However, they chose not to..so it was dead in the water..so I thought!

Since then I've spoken to them via web cam, but nothing was brought up about the email. 2 days ago we received a package from them. In it was a letter from DH's mom. I knew what was coming. In the letter, she goes on to quote the bible (She's a jehovah witness) and I got VERY angry!! She also went on to write how she didn't know how I could write "such things" and how it's a shame in the past year there hasn't been much communication. Ok and writing a letter isn't "impersonal".

Well..my feelings on this were and are:

1. I didn't know that US being hurt ws considered "such things".

2. An email is impersonal, but a letter isn't? *** is the difference?

3. THEY don't call the house - THEY ALWAYS call DH's cell phone and then complain about not talking to me?

4. DH's mother quotes from the bible she studies from KNOWING I'm a Catholic and it offends me.

5. They both say they want to have a "closer" relationship with me, but when MIL visits (FIL doesn't) or when I've spoken to her all she does is complain and talk about BIL's wife..and she doesn't don't think that makes me think she does the same about me???

6. Last time we visited them in FL I felt VERY uncomfortable. DH's parents are not together but live in the same house. They fought and actually came to us to pick sides.

DH asked me if I would consider calling them, and I told him NO, because it's a dead issue for me, and after reading the letter she wrote me, I am WAY too angry and will say things that are going to make the situation a lot worse. And while I agree that an email may have not been the BEST way to go about letting them know, I really didn't think it was THAT big of a deal because we've communicated like that all along!

ETA: let me just add that MIL calls DH whenever there are problems with her grandaughter. There was a time when she wanted DH and BIL to help support her and I was never asked how I felt about that. We (BIL, DH) have our OWN families to worry about, and cannot be financially responsible for another child who has both parents in her life.


Am I wrong?

Message edited 11/29/2007 5:01:28 PM.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Someone needs to step up and be the bigger person. The constant back and forth will only make things more difficult for all of you and could possibly drive a rift between you and your husband. Everyone involved needs to look at the bigger picture and decide what kind of adult relationship they want to have with their family.

Just pick up the phone, talk, make peace, and don't let the little things bother you so much. With the IL's, it is definitely not worth it. You are fighting a losing battle.

Message edited 11/29/2007 5:09:44 PM.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

To be honest, that's his family and when you married him, you took him with everything he came with.

Trust me it's not easy, but you need to make some sort of compromise so that you can keep the peace among you guys.

I guess the advantage is that they live in florida.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

ok.... here's my opinion...

I think it's best to suck it up and try to diffuse the situation before it gets worse. When DH and I began dating, the in-laws were amazingly rude. They hated my age, my ethnicity... everything.... without even meeting me! It took a couple years of being the bigger person to diffuse the situation and be accepted into the family. A massive sacrifice on my part, but well worth it.

They forgot your anniversary.... a minor social mistake. Frankly, my family doesn't send anniversary cards to each other at all, so I wouldn't even pick that up... None the less, you were upset and sent an email. They are from an older generation, and likely view emails as informal... where as written letters are formal and more polite from a miss manners perspective. You are from our generation, and can't even relate to snail mail, and view emails as being more familiar and comfortable. Another social misunderstanding.

If you call them up, you're extending the olive branch. Sure, you'll likely have to make consessions.... but you're being the bigger person about it. The in-laws will likely see that and things will improve. If you don't call them, you'll likely alienate them.... which will put you in an awkward situation for years to come.... you have to weigh the cost-benefits of maintianing your pride, or calming the waters.... IMO, I'd calm the waters.....

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

yes.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

I would honestly suck it up, tell them you didnt mean to offend them, and try to build a relationship with them...

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

while their reaction isn't ideal, there are a few things that you might have done that could have made this alot easier on everyone

First, I know you communicate on email, but when there's an issue or grievance, email is NEVER the way to go. It leaves too much open to misinterpretation.

Second, if you both felt hurt - it should have come from him, not you. They're his parents. You can be married 10 years to 50 years - parents, no matter how close the relationship, tend to listen more and understand more when it comes from their child. If it was your parents - I would say you take the lead on talking to them.

Third, when this all went down, and they said to call them, and you didn't, you added to the fire because it was perceived that you blew them off. I'm not saying the package and all the Bible stuff was the right way to handle it. But, you or your DH should have collectively spoken to them at that point. You emailed them when you felt hurt. Now, they feel hurt and want to talk, and you appeared to blow them off.

What's done is done. I would now say the 4 of you sit down and have this out and diffuse it before it gets out of control. It's obviously not a dead issue if you feel you can't have a conversation with them without exploding. And above all, don't make DH a pawn between you and your IL;s/

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Posted by mitabtrfly

Posted by QuoteTheRaven424

while their reaction isn't ideal, there are a few things that you might have done that could have made this alot easier on everyone

First, I know you communicate on email, but when there's an issue or grievance, email is NEVER the way to go. It leaves too much open to misinterpretation.

Second, if you both felt hurt - it should have come from him, not you. They're his parents. You can be married 10 years to 50 years - parents, no matter how close the relationship, tend to listen more and understand more when it comes from their child. If it was your parents - I would say you take the lead on talking to them.

Third, when this all went down, and they said to call them, and you didn't, you added to the fire because it was perceived that you blew them off. I'm not saying the package and all the Bible stuff was the right way to handle it. But, you or your DH should have collectively spoken to them at that point. You emailed them when you felt hurt. Now, they feel hurt and want to talk, and you appeared to blow them off.

What's done is done. I would now say the 4 of you sit down and have this out and diffuse it before it gets out of control. It's obviously not a dead issue if you feel you can't have a conversation with them without exploding. And above all, don't make DH a pawn between you and your IL;s/

THIS TOTALLY *****!! I'm actually seeing the other side of it..BUT..I am stubborn..I will admit it!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

I agree with quotetheraven, you really need to get your husband in there as a mediator and spokesperson for you. he obviously has more of a relationship with them, and knows how to speak to them in a way that will calm them down...

do try to work things out with them if you can

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Posted by marriedinportjeff

I agree with quotetheraven, you really need to get your husband in there as a mediator and spokesperson for you. he obviously has more of a relationship with them, and knows how to speak to them in a way that will calm them down...

do try to work things out with them if you can

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

i may have a very unpopular view here but here goes:

this is not an equal relationship - these people are not your friends, your coworkers or your equals - they are your inlaws. . .


IMO if i am 14 or 40 I have to respect my parents, and of course my husband's parents. it is up to YOU to be the bigger person, they have no obligation to you bc again, IMO, they really did nothing wrong in the first place. . .

I know if I sat around waiting for my MIL to apologize for something, or waiting for my MOTHER to reach out to me - I would be waiting a long, long time bc I am the daughter and it is my responsibility to do these things.

One day when your son brings a nice girl home you will appreciate this type of family dynamic

Also, don't Jehovah's Witnesses use the same bible as Catholics?

And to the older generation a hand written letter is WAY more personal then an email . . . I have older family members that I email with daily that STILL send letters for anything important or personal.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

I'm going to have a completely different viewpoint from everyone else. The day after my wedding, my MIL completely bashed our wedding and my family. She went as far as saying she was disgusted with our wedding. And none of her reasons are valid. My family was served before her. I didn't sit at the table and talk to her long enough. The photog didn't take enough pictures of her (although I have more pics of her than my own family). And there are many more things she has said and done to contribute to the following: I don't speak to ILs anymore. And I refuse to give in on this one because she involved my family. And honestly, my life has just been so much better since I stopped talking to her.

I don't think you did anything wrong. At the same time, I don't thinkt hey did much wrong either. My Dad will never remember our anniversary. I doubt any of my family will. What are ya gonna do? As long as DH remembers, that's all that matters.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Message edited 11/15/2011 9:09:19 AM.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Message edited 11/29/2007 7:51:56 PM.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Ok, first off, as other posters have said, I don't believe it was your place to have contacted them about how the two of you felt. They're your husband's parents. He should have manned up and called his parents and said it was hurtful IYO that they did not acknowlege your anniversary.

But here's what I'm thinking... You said they're Jehova, right? Don't Jehova's NOT celebrate anniversarys, birthdays and other things of the like? So I'm guessing in their world and religion this would never be something they'd do. It's sacreligious and I think asking them to do it would be wrong on both your parts.

Contacting them through email - just plain wrong. If it was so important to the two of you, your husband should have called them. Period, end of story. This wasn't a friend who did this, it was your ILs. They deserve the respect of a phone call.

As for you not calling them back... well, as much as it may irritate you that they call your DH on his cell and not your home phone, (which I get) I think you still should have called them. In essence they did extend the olive branch. Again, I think if this is something that bothers you (them calling DH on his cell and not your home #) you need to make your DH understand that and have him talk to them about it.

Generally speaking I think this got alittle blown out of proportion, but when you're dealing with human emotion, it happens. I think in the interest in keeping the peace, you should suck it up and call them. Maybe the four of you could just hash all of this out. It seems to me there are more issues to this than an unacknowleged anniversary. But most importantly, your husband needs to be the lead on this.

Good luck I hope everything works out for you.

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!

Re: Dilemma with my IL's....advice needed BIG TIME!