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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
sorry meant to edit
Message edited 1/19/2011 11:16:01 AM.
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Posted 1/19/11 11:15 AM  |
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Xelindrya
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Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
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Veronica
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Super important. Everything is a please and thank you.
One thing I hated was walking in malls and kids would cut me off and parents would follow and never a "Say excuse me" or "I'm sorry" etc
Here I hear it a LOT more and on top of it, its "yes SIR or Ma'am, ThANK YOU"
haha
Militarytown, USA
*shrug*
I could never just let her go. I'd go crazy. I even started lately with "NO WHINING" you need to ASK for what you want "Crackers, please, momma" not just whine and cry "craaaaaaaaakars" It seriously irrates me to no end.
She's good about but yes at 2 I still remind her more often than she does on her own. Meh
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:19 AM |
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
i don't "force" per se because i believe that pure regurgitation doesn't really give a child a chance to "mean" what they say vs. just parroting what they think they "should"/"must" do.
it's a subtle difference, but you won't hear "now say thank you" out of my mouth. instead, you will hear "what do you say?". same goes for when my children hurt someone. it's never "go say you're sorry!", it's "that is not nice, how do you think you made him/her feel?" followed by, "now what do you think you should do about it?"
my kids know what to do, usually just a look takes care of it now  
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:20 AM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by cjik
Posted by mommyIam
I don't know about AP, but I know about RIE, its a little unheard of but in a whole approach in parenting that gives kids confidence, starts with infancy.
It also teaches, not to force a child to "say please" and "say thank you" or even "im sorry", those things should come genuinely from the child. If they don't that's fine. They learn from example. So you make a point to have manners, I'm sure your kids will follow.
Its not about not teaching them manners. Its about not forcing them to falsify their feelings.
Not trying to start an argument, but I disagree with this. Maybe when they are really little, it's fine to let it go for a bit (especially if the speech is not there), ,but once they can speak well, some basic manners are needed. At 3, my son's natural response is to bellow his demands and snatch things without saying thank you. Totally normal, but at this point, he has the words, and I think it's time for him to learn how to respect others by asking without shouting and sayind please or thank you. How is this falsifying his feelings?
If I don't teach him now, I really think it's going to get harder later. JMO.
You teach by modeling. You play games where you ask for things, and show what it is like to be grateful. I am already doing this with my 10m old. He grabs food and is so mean about it. So I decided I'm going to ask for him to feed me his food, I say please, and all that. He offers me food and I get so excited and tell him how thankful I am. I catch him now and again pausing after I give him something before he gouges on the food. I think it really works.
I'm not expert, I'm not even BTDT really I only have a 10m old, I don't mean to sound like I'm on a high horse. But I just wanted to clarify a different opinion from the herd and why I so believe in it.
If you can teach a 3y old what it is to be thankful, then only can you expect them to actually say it. That's my opinion. IMO "please" is a promise that you will be thankful. So its on the same lines.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:22 AM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by doublestroller
it's a subtle difference, but you won't hear "now say thank you" out of my mouth. instead, you will hear "what do you say?". same goes for when my children hurt someone. it's never "go say you're sorry!", it's "that is not nice, how do you think you made him/her feel?" followed by, "now what do you think you should do about it?"
I can see a reminder "what do you say" but this assumes the child has already been taught...
but to be fair, I don't read any of these parenting books with the theories and all that jazz. I do what I think is right, regardless of what type of parenting style that falls under.
for some things I will probably be the most evil hard mother out there, b/c he will feel the force of my will in terms of what I expect behaviorially. it will be gentle, but firm.
I won't be on his back asking telling him to say thank you, BUT if I ask aunt saray if he did and she says no, he can kiss that gift goodbye.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:24 AM |
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cjik
Welcome 2010!
Member since 2/06 8879 total posts
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I see it as teaching them something also. You are teaching them how to respond appropriately in a situation. And as parents, yes it's important to model ourselves, but young children do not pick it up by themselves IMO. We've been saying please and thank you in front of DS forever, but does he think to say it on his own? He did not until we started insisting he say it.
I don't see it as forcing DC to be something different, just teaching them social norms.
I will say, I have a very shy child, so if a relative he barely knows gives him a present, I don't twist his arm to get a thank you out of him yet. Mainly because I know speaking to them at all is hard for him. But with me, DH, and others he knows well, yes he is expected to ask nicely.
Message edited 1/19/2011 11:30:22 AM.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:28 AM |
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MrsS2005
Mom of 3
Member since 11/05 13118 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I think manners are very important. DS is pretty good about it. If he doesn't say please or thank you, I'll usually say "what do you say?" instead of "say ___."
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:30 AM |
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Smileyd17
kids
Member since 5/05 20997 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Yes I DO!
SO important.
Please, Thank you, its a must!
I cant stand it myself when I encounter kids or even ADULTS who cant even utter those words.
Its to be polite and respectful.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:30 AM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
puppet or not...with as many things as he asks me for in a day-please and thank you is the only thing that doesn't make me feel like a slave.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:33 AM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
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Veronica
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I wanted to add.. I agree with PP that we need to lead by example. I say thank you, please etc a million times a day even at home with the hubby. Its second nature. THAT is how she first started. Just randomly saying "tank oo" for nothing and we'd say "youre welcome sweetie" now at two if she aks for something with please and I give it to her I say "your welcome" and she'll say "thank you" if she didn't already say it first.
Its just a practice and model I think.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:33 AM |
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mommybear
LIF Infant
Member since 1/11 296 total posts
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Kids need to be tought manners. Just like how to behave in public, in school, how we talk to teachers/adults, how to sit properly, how to use ustensils, to hold hands, listen to mommy and daddy so they don't run in front of cars, etc.... They don't pull out how to behave principles out of their a$$. Just saying!!!!
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:35 AM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by Ophelia
I can see a reminder "what do you say" but this assumes the child has already been taught...
I respect you on so many levels, which is why I keep pushing...
But why wouldn't he be "taught" from your example, or caretakers example alone?
Posted by Ophelia
for some things I will probably be the most evil hard mother out there, b/c he will feel the force of my will in terms of what I expect behaviorially. it will be gentle, but firm.
You know what I don't' think there is anything wrong with what you or anyone is really doing. My mother was like this. I turned out fine. If not perfect
For me its just doesn't feel natural. When the norm is one way and I don't feel right about it, I try to find out more, I read. I try to find out if I do it this way, will my kid be okay, and
In the end... there are ton of ways you can do things and your kid will be a very nice kid. There is no magic answer to anything. But I like the discussion, I like opinions, I like to hear how others do things.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:41 AM |
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I want to say something unmannerly about Mayim Bialik... (kidding) But in all seriousness, as others have said, you need to teach manners, you need to teach safety, you need to teach hygiene. How else will kids learn?
Anyway, I have nothing new to add. My DD is very polite and good about saying please and thank you, most of the time. The only time I need to prompt her is when a stranger or someone she does not know well does something nice, like the cashier at Trader Joes who gives her stickers. Then it's a shyness issue. But she always comes around after I prompt her.
I also think that making her say thank you cultivates an understanding of gratitude- otherwise, I don't know if she'd understand that feeling either.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:43 AM |
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Sassyz75
Turning a new page
Member since 5/05 9731 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I am not one of those parents that forces manners- meaning, she MUST sit at the table and then ask to be excused.. I wasn't raised like that.. so I just sort of let DD come -and-go...
Re: saying please and thank you... I usually say, what do we say when someone gives us something.. maybe that's more teaching than forcing?
I don't know.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:44 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I think "say thank you" teaches them nothing, but that they are your puppet.
Wow, i couldn't disagree more.
I understand certain aspects of what you are saying. I do understand that you are showing your child behaviors through modeling...
But if your child (anyones child, not yours specifically) were to not say thank you for something given to them....i don't understand how saying "Say thank you Johnny" is making them your puppet.
They are our children.....our job is to teach them right from wrong..."modeling" is great and all...but there are times when reinforcement of these manners is necessary. I firmly believe that. I refuse to let my kid say nothing when given something...many times i have said either "What do we say" OR "Say thank you to so and so for that gift!".
I'm trying to think of an example that applies not only to manners...
If you saw your child hurting another child ..smacking or hitting, you would most likely run over there, tell him "we don't hit!" or somethign along those lines as opposed to letting it go and waiting till he just picks it up on his own through modeling. KWIM?? You are acting authoritative in this and in turn, teaching him or her that that is the right thing to do...
Maybe a poor example, but my brain is fried today..
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:47 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by mommyIam
Posted by Ophelia
I can see a reminder "what do you say" but this assumes the child has already been taught...
I respect you on so many levels, which is why I keep pushing...
But why wouldn't he be "taught" from your example, or caretakers example alone?
Posted by Ophelia
for some things I will probably be the most evil hard mother out there, b/c he will feel the force of my will in terms of what I expect behaviorially. it will be gentle, but firm.
You know what I don't' think there is anything wrong with what you or anyone is really doing. My mother was like this. I turned out fine. If not perfect
For me its just doesn't feel natural. When the norm is one way and I don't feel right about it, I try to find out more, I read. I try to find out if I do it this way, will my kid be okay, and
In the end... there are ton of ways you can do things and your kid will be a very nice kid. There is no magic answer to anything. But I like the discussion, I like opinions, I like to hear how others do things.
Just wanted to add..I respect your parenting and love hearing different views. If I ask questions or offer opposing viewpoints please don't take any offense, certain concepts are just a bit foreign to me!
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:50 AM |
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by neener1211
It's amazing what a simple please and thank you will do in certain situations.
I think anyone not teaching their child please and thank you are doing them a disservice.
ITA with this! My DD is only 8 days old but I will def be teaching her manners!
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:52 AM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by mommyIam
Posted by Ophelia
I can see a reminder "what do you say" but this assumes the child has already been taught...
I respect you on so many levels, which is why I keep pushing...
But why wouldn't he be "taught" from your example, or caretakers example alone?
I think the most basic reason is b/c kids just don't always do what they "should" do. it's the whole id ego super ego fight. even when they know what to say or do, they don't always. for many different reasons. so, as his mother, I feel it is my job to say in whatever way "you know what to do here. you know what to say. and I expect you to say it, even if you dont' feel like it"
I feel like saying please and thank you is a lost art. my husband and I say it to each other and I think it's important even in adult relationships. to not take things for granted.
my son started sharing his food with me of his own accord. and I say thank you and make a big fuss every time. he's 15 months old. I don't force him to say "gracias" but I say it to him and he says it back (well, a version of it anyway ) but I know, having been around kids my whole life, that even the best behaved and loving kids get a wild hair up their arse one and awhile and forget to express themselves. or quite frankly, don't feel the gratitude they should feel. and that is where I come in. to either remind them to express the feeling or to shame them for their ingratitude.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:53 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by Smileyd17
Yes I DO!
SO important.
Please, Thank you, its a must!
I cant stand it myself when I encounter kids or even ADULTS who cant even utter those words.
Its to be polite and respectful.
MANY adults do not say please and thank you....
I can't tell you how many times i've held a door for someone and not heard a thing back. It irritates me to no end, it sometimes feels like its sllllowwwwly becoming a cultural norm.
BUT...in turn, when a young high school kid races to the door to open it for me when i'm with a stroller, i can't thank them enough. I LOVE to see kids with manners like that and i intend on my boys being this way. If they are, i will have done something right
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:53 AM |
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JennyPenny
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Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
My daughter says please, thank you, welcome and bless you whenever they are necessary. She does them mostly on her own now, thank you & welcome still need a little prodding sometimes. Manners for a child are VERY important to DH and me.
ETA: We have also taught her "sorry" and "excuse me" (which comes out a sookah me )
Message edited 1/19/2011 12:07:10 PM.
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| Posted 1/19/11 11:58 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by Sassyz75
I am not one of those parents that forces manners- meaning, she MUST sit at the table and then ask to be excused.
Actually we do this because otherwise when they're older they do just get up & leave even if people are still eating. They have also been clearing their plates off since they were 3-4 yo. Even at a birthday party when the staff cleans up. Now (ages 7 &9), they help clear off the rest of the table.
One of my proudest moments was when a mom told me that when my son was eating at her house, she told him to leave his plate & she'd get it. He said "if you don't mind, I need to clear off my plate. If my mom finds out I didn't clear off my plate, I won't be able to come back."
Message edited 1/19/2011 12:06:56 PM.
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:06 PM |
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KartveliT
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Member since 1/08 8363 total posts
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I teach DD manners, I make sure that she says please, thank you, excuse me/ pardon me, that she doesn't call adults (family or not) by their first names , don't talk back , have respect for adults, give up your seat to old and pregnant on the bus/train, don't interrupt , table manners and so on.... That's how I was raised and will raise DD the same way.
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:06 PM |
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KartveliT
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Member since 1/08 8363 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by Sassyz75
I am not one of those parents that forces manners- meaning, she MUST sit at the table and then ask to be excused.
DD is 3, when she was about 2.5 I told her (very nicely explained) that she is not to get up and walk away without excusing herself she always says "may I be excused please?" it's the cutest thing too
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:10 PM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by maybebaby
Just wanted to add..I respect your parenting and love hearing different views. If I ask questions or offer opposing viewpoints please don't take any offense, certain concepts are just a bit foreign to me!
I never take offense, to a fault 
I too, respect all parenting views, as long as they are full of love and respect for their child, I think that is the best a mom/dad can do. The rest is just glitter and pom poms, in the end, who cares. I live in a neighborhood where so many cultures and so many different ideas about manners and teaching manners exits. There are polite kids and not polite kids, I really think it has to do more with polite parents, than parents that enforce, but that's just my vantage point.
and btw, I am really grateful and thankful that you added your last post
I think we understand eachother, but I wonder if others may find it "drama/hostile mommy type thing" which it really isn't
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:14 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I'm an enforcer for sure.
DH came home from a business trip and as always had a gift for DD.
She has come to expect it-fine.
However, she has asked him for a dolphin and instead he brought her a penguin (looked for a dolphin at the airport, but no luck).
DD started whining about how it wasn't a dolphin, said she asked for a dolphin.
I told her daddy went to a lot of trouble to bring you a surprise and this is how you act? No thank you? How do you think daddy feels?
She didn't care, still upset about no dolphin. I told her that the Penguin is going in a time out and that maybe daddy should stop bringing her presents when he goes on a trip.
She got upset, big scene.
A couple hours later she wanted the penguin. We talked about it again. How you need to be grateful, say thank you, appreciate all that you have, daddy was sad when you told him you didn't like the gift.... What do you think you should do before you can have that penguin?
She knew-she knew she needed to say sorry to daddy and she knew she needed to thank him for the penguin.
If we didn't force manners on her she would have lost the opportunity to learn not only about manners but also about feelings and all that other jazz.
You can't pry that penguin from her hands now, she loves that silly thing
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:21 PM |
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