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Goldi0218
My miracles!
Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
Name:
Leslie
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I was once asked why I taught Abby to say "please" and 'thank you" when she doesn't know what it means. Certain social graces are learned and modeled. True gratitude isn't really learned for a long time - probably close to adulthood. But if by teaching my children to say "please" and "thank you" renders them well-received by children and adults, then it was not in vain. People do not want to spend time with bratty children or adults - fact.
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Posted 1/19/11 12:25 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by mommyIam
Posted by Ophelia
I can see a reminder "what do you say" but this assumes the child has already been taught...
I respect you on so many levels, which is why I keep pushing...
But why wouldn't he be "taught" from your example, or caretakers example alone?
The best analogy I can make is how children learn speech. My DS has speech delays. I guess for many or even most children, they do learn speech from modeling and imitation. In my DS's case, I was told to repeat, repeat, repeat and to model words and signs to encourage him to better communicate.
I sort of see teaching manners the same way. For some children, it may come naturally and they may pick it up spontaneously from modeling. I don't want to leave it at that. I want to repeat it to him and encourage him to do it, until it becomes natural for him to say "please" and "thank you", "excuse me", etc. Does that make sense?
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:36 PM |
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Lillykat
going along for the ride...
Member since 5/05 16253 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
At home we are like parrots. In order to get drinks, food anything - they have to say please 1st - and then thank you.
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:39 PM |
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Salason
♥
Member since 6/05 9878 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Manners are HUGELY important in our house. We model it but if he "forgets" to say it, he is strongly reminded to (eg "What do you say?" 
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:47 PM |
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yankinmanc
Happy Days!
Member since 8/05 18208 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I don't think teaching your kid to say please and thank you, and asking them to say it regularly is forcing manner on people. Its just part of raising your kids imo.
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:47 PM |
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JennB
My princess <3
Member since 5/09 2473 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I don't know what attachment parenting is but....
DD is 1 and she has been learning to say please and thank you. if I don't teach her, who will?
I teach 7th gradde and out of 90 kids there is 1 child, ONE that always says please and thank you. I think its a disgrace.
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:47 PM |
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Domino
Always My Miracle
Member since 9/05 9923 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
i think the debate here is:
"Forcing" your DC to say thank you v. "Hoping" your child will learn the behavior by watching others around them
I believe that society as a whole are a bunch of selfish rude people. (Debate that if you wish....) 
There are a million times I dont want to thank someone for the gift they gave me (but its polite to do so...it prevents one from hurting someone else's feelings.)
there are a zillion times I want to tell DH to STFU...instead I take a deep breath and ask him in a nice way...(If you saw a friend of mine's marriage, you'd know why I take the breath)
It is my responsibility to teach my DS to be a productive member of society. To treat people with respect. To be polite. To be greatful. Yes..that means a please, thank you, pardon me, etc.
Do I think saying the words for the say of saying them is meaningless? Yes. It is also my job to teach him WHY he's saying them.
But in my future 3 year old's mind he's not going to WANT to say sorry to the kid he pushed down in the playground because he was pushed first by the little girl. BUT ITS STILL THE RIGHT FRIGGIN THING TO DO. And its my job to teach him.
Disclaimer:
I'm having a bad day...DS has not napped and so I apologize if I come of a bit cranky. Not read or edited
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:51 PM |
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lorich
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Member since 6/05 9987 total posts
Name:
Grammie says "Lora Gina"
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by neener1211
It's amazing what a simple please and thank you will do in certain situations.
I think anyone not teaching their child please and thank you are doing them a disservice.
agree!
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:52 PM |
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shiv
Twinsanity!!
Member since 5/07 4747 total posts
Name:
Shiv
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by neener1211
It's amazing what a simple please and thank you will do in certain situations.
I think anyone not teaching their child please and thank you are doing them a disservice.
ditto- manners can take you very far in life. It's surprises me how many adults don't say please and thank you, disgusting really.
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| Posted 1/19/11 12:57 PM |
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OffWithHerHead23
Keep passing the open windows
Member since 10/06 3627 total posts
Name:
Meaghan
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I haven't read this whole thread, so I might be reiterating things that have already been said.
I think that as parents it's easy to get caught up in the little details... i.e. teaching your children to say please and thank you, and it's easy to lose sight of your ultimate parenting goal.
My ultimate parenting goal is to make sure my children are productive, responsible and independent members of society.
I see not teaching them basic manners as hindering this goal... if they go to school and are the little brat who never says please or thank you, what a disservice this is doing them as to how they appear to others!!! A little common coutesy goes a loooooong way in this world. Debate as much as you will whether or not this detracts from their confidence, or that it's forced, or whatever... I won't have my kids out in the world representing my parenting by not using their manners.
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:00 PM |
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beachgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 7967 total posts
Name:
sara
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Yes I do. DD is nearly 5 and 9 times out of 10 she will say please and thank you but if she does not say it then I will remind her, I even find myself saying it to other kids
My 18mt old already says "Peeeese" and "thanks".
How else are they going to learn it if we dont teach them?
It makes me so proud when I overhear DD saying please and thank you without any prompting from me and I believe she does it because of my "forcing / teaching" her and not because she hears me saying please and thank you.
I am shocked at the amount of kids who do NOT say please and thank you and whose parents do not remind them of their manners there and then.
Oh and I am a HUGE AP person if you want to put a label on this type of parenting but if this is part of being AP then I disagree with this aspect of it.
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:05 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I ABSOLUTELY force my DD to say please and thank you.
I have seen how well people respond to her when she says the right thing, and I hear my parents and so many other people from other generations tsk tsk about children who don't.
I think I'd be doing her a huge disservice if I didn't force her now.
She had her birthday over the weekend and I insisted she said 'thank you for my present' to everyone. She didn't do it right away, but I made sure she said it to everyone before they left.
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:09 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Jack is VERY VERY polite. Everyone tells me that. I always make him say "Please" and "Thank you" as well as "I'm sorry" if he hurt someone by accident.
I will teach Tyler to be the same way!
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:10 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by Salason
Manners are HUGELY important in our house. We model it but if he "forgets" to say it, he is strongly reminded to (eg "What do you say?"
same here
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:11 PM |
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pickles16
Real Estate Professional
Member since 11/07 17227 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I'm a big please and thank you person and out of nowhere DD has started saying please and thank you correctly and consistently, and I have never "taught" her or said to her say please etc..so I def think it's by example..but I think I would if DD didn't pick it up on her own
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:12 PM |
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4PsInaPod
My Loves <3
Member since 7/07 10079 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Joey is 14 months and I do teach him, "please", "thank you", "you're welcome" . . I think manners go a long way. I just say it after I give him something, or if he gives me something. . .etc. I've always done that though.
He knows what it means now too. I gave him a graham cracker last night and he said "tak you" When he asked me the other night to turn on chuggington which I had been refusing him to watch when we got home, he turned . . .grab the remote and said "pease". . .I got suckered into turning it on b/c of how he knew to say please.  so to me manners go a long way and I will be teaching him to always use them.
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:14 PM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by DPerotti
Joey is 14 months and I do teach him, "please", "thank you", "you're welcome" . . I think manners go a long way. I just say it after I give him something, or if he gives me something. . .etc. I've always done that though.
He knows what it means now too. I gave him a graham cracker last night and he said "tak you" When he asked me the other night to turn on chuggington which I had been refusing him to watch when we got home, he turned . . .grab the remote and said "pease". . .I got suckered into turning it on b/c of how he knew to say please. so to me manners go a long way and I will be teaching him to always use them.
Awwww sweet Joey!!!! 
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:46 PM |
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aliwnec10
mom of 3 boys
Member since 4/06 11426 total posts
Name:
Ali
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by neener1211
It's amazing what a simple please and thank you will do in certain situations.
I think anyone not teaching their child please and thank you are doing them a disservice.
ITA!
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| Posted 1/19/11 1:48 PM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I HATE rude children and I see absolutely NO reason at all for a person not to say please or thank you - Do I EXPECT a 2 year old to say it? No, but I damn well expect their parent to at least ATTEMPT to prompt them to do it -
ESPECIALLY when asking for/accepting something -
I've been saying please and thank you to Sean since the day he was born -
Now he knows when and how to say it himself. along with I'm sorry.
He's not a puppet, he has been taught when it is appropriate to say it.
If he needs to be prompted I tell him "What do you say?" and he says Please or Thank you or whatever -
We're working on excuse me b/c he's suddenly burping like an old man !!
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| Posted 1/19/11 2:04 PM |
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Jan1975
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Member since 8/09 3846 total posts
Name:
Sarah
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by mommyIam
I think "say thank you" teaches them nothing, but that they are your puppet.
no. it instructs them the proper way to respond to a situation.
I can say thank you to the gift giver for my part. but having THE CHILD also give thanks, and instructing them how to say it the child to 1)verbally express feelings and 2) it gives ownership.
it's not MY place to say thank you for something given to my son. it's his place. and MY job to teach him his place.
I can't agree with you more.
However, I am not talking from my experience with DD, because she is only 9 months, I am talking about students I teach, and they are 12-13years old. I have to TEACH them that the proper way to ask to go to the bathroom is NOT "I gotta go to the bathroom". If they say that I respond to them "Good for you!" .....they roll their eyes the FIRST time, but everytime after that you better believe they say, "Mrs. T, may I please use the bathroom." -if they don't the ENTIRE class corrects them. Guess what, my job would be a heck of a lot easier if their parents taught them the proper way to say "Please, Thank you, and May I."
Ok, dismount
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| Posted 1/19/11 2:11 PM |
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katiebug
I'll love you for always
Member since 2/08 4624 total posts
Name:
Katie
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
I don't see it has forcing manners, but teaching courtesy.
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| Posted 1/19/11 2:13 PM |
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REKoz412
LIF Infant
Member since 5/10 148 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by mommyIam
I don't know about AP, but I know about RIE, its a little unheard of but in a whole approach in parenting that gives kids confidence, starts with infancy.
It also teaches, not to force a child to "say please" and "say thank you" or even "im sorry", those things should come genuinely from the child. If they don't that's fine. They learn from example. So you make a point to have manners, I'm sure your kids will follow.
Its not about not teaching them manners. Its about not forcing them to falsify their feelings.
Maybe it's just me but it seems that sometimes proper manners means forcing them to falsify their feelings! What if the child receives a gift that he/she doesn't like? Being true to their feelings in this case then means that it's OK to inform the gift giver they don't like it? Most adults wouldn't do that because; 1) they understand they were given a gift..it's the thought that counts and all that. 2) they are aware that doing so risks hurting the gift giver's feelings ; it is rude and certainly ungracious to the spirit of gift giving.
I'm guessing you wouldn't want your child to diss a gift. So saying thank you at least acknowledges the gesture.
These are concepts young children do not truly understand nor pick up on their own just by watching their parents. They need to be taught the proper behavior- even if it is like most everything they mimic/learn as brand new human beings- puppet-like. Until they have developed enough to think in the abstract, think outside of their own selves/desires and become aware of their relationship to others, they need for us as parents to teach them acceptable ways to act.
What is acceptable can differ among people to be sure but whatever that is should always involve respect for others. I think doing respectable things and experiencing the results teaches and motivates young and old alike. Like the saying "fake it till ya make it", children required to say please/thank you will quickly learn to respect themselves and others.
Learning the act of apologizing? Way different category then just good manners IMO.
I'm not sure how this will read. Obviously, it's something I feel passionate about (after spending too much time with some disrespectful children!) By now means am I feeling argumentative..now or ever on a chat board!
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| Posted 1/19/11 4:20 PM |
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JennZ
MY LIFE!!
Member since 8/05 25463 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Yes. ALWAYS, since he was born. Manners are huge to me. Growing up, we were always taught, say please, thank you, may i etc. If i give ds juice, i say thank you mommy. He now says his form of thank you.
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| Posted 1/19/11 4:27 PM |
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Michelle1123
Baby #5 on the way!
Member since 9/05 7919 total posts
Name:
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Yes I force it on them. But at almost 4 and 5, they dont need reminders (usually).
My kids may not be the best behaved, but I take pride in the fact that they are polite (most of the time)
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| Posted 1/19/11 4:31 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Do you force manners on your kids (question regarding blog from Mayim Bialik)
Posted by REKoz412
2) they are aware that doing so risks hurting the gift giver's feelings ; it is rude and certainly ungracious to the spirit of gift giving.
I'm guessing you wouldn't want your child to diss a gift. So saying thank you at least acknowledges the gesture.
These are concepts young children do not truly understand nor pick up on their own just by watching their parents. They need to be taught the proper behavior- even if it is like most everything they mimic/learn as brand new human beings- puppet-like. Until they have developed enough to think in the abstract, think outside of their own selves/desires and become aware of their relationship to others, they need for us as parents to teach them acceptable ways to act.
What is acceptable can differ among people to be sure but whatever that is should always involve respect for others. I think doing respectable things and experiencing the results teaches and motivates young and old alike. Like the saying "fake it till ya make it", children required to say please/thank you will quickly learn to respect themselves and others.
Learning the act of apologizing? Way different category then just good manners IMO.
I'm not sure how this will read. Obviously, it's something I feel passionate about (after spending too much time with some disrespectful children!) By now means am I feeling argumentative..now or ever on a chat board!
YES> this is the other part to it I was thinking about.
teaching is not just about how the child feels. it's about the child realizing cause and effect and that it's not OK to just be concerned about our own feelings. when you are engaging with others, you have to take THEIR feelings into account even sometimes rising above disappointment/dislike to make thanks for the gesture.
I am all about instilling safety, self worth and confidence in my kid. but at the same time, he needs to understand his placei n the world as he related to other people, what it means to walk and talk and live and engage with others. and how to do so with respect and courtesy, even if it's not always what you like and or feel. you can save that for pillow talk with mommy at night.
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| Posted 1/19/11 4:38 PM |
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