do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

First off let me start by syaing i am not even sure if this is the right board. if its gets moved thats fine. Also i am not lookig not start a big debate just curious based on something that happened yesterday.

background info: my dh lost his mom when he was 29 and his mom was 52. She was sick but no one ever thought she was goign to die from it. Also she went from being fine to being put on a respirator and 2 weeks later she was gone.

Over the weekend my moms friends mom died. Sh e was 90 and he is in his sixties. My mom said its tragic no matter when you loose a parent. my dh said i would say it very sad but tragic is extreme. its not the same as when the parent is young and and dies of a complicated disese etc.

Now i never lost anyone young so i cant comment on how i would feel if i did as compared to loosing an older perosn. i will say whenever i hear anyone looses a family member i am sad for them and their family regardless if the person was 9 or 90. Thast being said i will say that when i hear of a young person with young kids dying it hits home a little but more than if somone older dies. BUt that doenst mean i feel any less symparthy for the family.

Thoughts? especially if you did loose a parent young.

ETA: to repeat a misunderstanding in the later part if this thread. Dh said this to me and my mom NOT to the person who LOST their mom.

Message edited 2/11/2008 11:00:09 AM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I would feel the same heartbreak and sadness. I don't think it matters when you lose someone.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Losing a parent at any age is really difficult.

I have a different perspective than most regarding which is more "tragic." My dad died when he was 38 and I was 15. I was completely devastated.

The one thing that bothers me most about his passing is that he never got to see me grow up (be a mature adult), never got to meet my husband, walk me down the aisle at my wedding, etc.

So, while losing parent is tragic, I do think losing one at a young age is worse, because they miss out on seeing what their children accomplish as they get older.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I've never lost a parent... With that said, I have 2 outside views.

I think the difference lies in whether or not the death was sudden or if it was something you were prepared for, regardless of the age.

ETA: Not to say that one is easier than the other, but I think that if there is a difference, it's what I said above.

Message edited 2/11/2008 10:33:42 AM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I understand what your husband is saying. I never lost a family member young, but did lose a very, very good friend at the age of 36. She had a disease that was progressive, but not always fatal. I think that when a person is their 80's or 90's dies, even unexpectedly, I still consider it within the natural order of things.

When my husband's grandmother died at 91, my oldest was 7. She was close with her great grandmother, as my husband actively made her a part of my daughter's life. Although I did not bring her to the wake, she was adamant about attending the funeral. When I spoke to a good friend, who is a psychologist, about it she told me that she thought it wasn't a bad way to introduce the concept of death, as it was an older person and in the natural order of things.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Playing the devil's advocate here....

My DH lost his father at 13. He doesn't remember much of his father, so in his own words, he doesn't feel as much of a loss.

Compare that to someone whose father or mother is their best friend - someone they rely on and talk to every single day for their whole life. No matter how old the parent is when they pass, that child will feel that loss on a very deep, traumatic level.

I don't think it's fair to compare or to qualify, because loss, at any age, is experienced on such a deeply personal level.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

It's just as tragic, but I think it's more traumatic when the child and parent are younger.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

yes, I agree with the previous poster..a parents death is terribly sad no matter how old you are or how old they are, but I too lost my father when I was 15 he was 49...the hardest part of all my life was thinking about the things in my life and my brothers lives he never got to see, and how things would have been different if he had lived...

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

It does not matter how young or old someone is, death is always tragic. The feeling of losing a parent is always awful. I just don't think it is right of anyone to pass judgement about that loss unless they have experienced it. My mom died when I was 16, would you feel different about my pain and suffering if she died when I was 31 or 56? That is just wrong, no matter how old the pain is still the same.

Message edited 2/11/2008 10:36:32 AM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I think losing a parent is horrible no matter when it happens, but in all honesty it is inevitable - part of the natural life cycle. I don't necessarily consider someone dying at 90 years old a 'tragedy' because they've lived a full life. That does not mean that it is any less sad, or that person's children suffer any more or less than someone who lost a parent at a younger age. But I personally wouldn't consider it a tragedy. I know when my parents' time comes I'll be devastated, but if I'm lucky enough to have them around until they're 90 years old I won't consider it a tragedy.

For me, a tragedy would be something that goes against the natural life cycle.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Message edited 2/11/2008 10:39:15 AM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

i think it can be extremely sad and horrible to lose a parent at any age.

but i think i understand a little bit about what your DH was saying. when your parents dies when you are older--and they die of natural causes or old age---i can slightly understand the notion of 'its not as tragic as a person losing them young.' ---in that they were able to grow old with their kids and grandkids.

i have a few friends that lost their parents at a young age---late teens & early 20s....and i think the pain lasts so long for them. when you are 20 years old and you lose your parent...you are reminded of how much you miss that parent for the rest of your life.

they won't ever be able to call their mom/dad for parenting advice or a family recipe for the holidays. huge events like a wedding or the birth of their children---no mom/dad to celebrate it with. when they have their own kids.....and want to share something funny that the little one did that you know your parent would have appreciated---you can't do that. there are so many little things that make a world of a difference to someone who loses a parent young...vs. losing a parent when they are much older and have experienced life with you.


maybe others won't agree---but i can kind of see why your DH was saying. but as i said before---losing a parent at ANY age can be horrible

Re: do you think losing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I think what makes it *seem* sadder is the loss of time...the missing of life's milestones that you would share with a parent that lived to a longer age.

I think too, that it would be especially hard as a younger child or a teen, simply b/c you lose one of the two people primarily responsible for your guidance in the world.

I think the initial loss is just as great...but perhaps those bittersweet moments...the absense of a memory to fall back on for someone who's experience the loss early, makes it harder in a way.

ETA: I lost my grandfather a few months before my wedding. it was the most traumatic loss of my life. but I, being the oldest, felt so lucky that I had him as long as I did...he saw me graduate high school, college, be engaged...and some of my younger cousins will never experience the PRIDE and LOVE in his eyes at all of the accomplishments and so much more.

I don't think anyone can quantify another's feeling of personal loss...I don't think it's really something I can explain...but if my mother were to pass now, I *think* would take it much differently than my 15 year old sister would....

Message edited 2/11/2008 10:44:45 AM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

so when is it not tragic? What is the cut off age?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I haven't lost a parent so I don't think I'm very qualified to answer it.

I'm sure losing a parent at any age is difficult, but from what I've seen secondhand, I think losing a parent at a very young age is tougher.

My mom lost her mom at the age of 10. It shaped her entire existence, not having a mom through her pre-teen & teenage years. I think it left her with an emptiness in her heart so big, that nothing could ever fill it.

I know having her own children eased it somewhat but, she didn't have her mom there when she had her own children.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

This is the type of question where there really is no right or wrong answer. Everyone grieves differently, and feels differently.

I have a different perspective than some folks who have posted here, but that doesn't make what I feel any more important than anyone else's. I can only respond based on my own personal experience.

Message edited 2/11/2008 10:44:30 AM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Just to clarify my opinion, I would never dream of telling anyone how to feel. My grandmother died at the age of 99. While, I was sad to see her go, she lived a very full life and her last few years were pretty lousy. But, I do have to admit that as a parent, I always get very sad when someone young dies and never gets to see their children grow up. I've heard older people say that once their children are grown and settled they consider anything else they get in terms of time, "gravy." I guess I just identify with this pov.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

just for the record again Dh did not say he wasnt sad for the loss of this persons mother he was just saying the word tragic that my mom used was not the right word in his eyes.
Loosing his mom he has more of an understanding than say i would whose mom is alive he was just saying he would not say TRAGIC.