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nrthshgrl
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by stephanief
Posted by eroxgirl
I think losing a parent is horrible no matter when it happens, but in all honesty it is inevitable - part of the natural life cycle. I don't necessarily consider someone dying at 90 years old a 'tragedy' because they've lived a full life. That does not mean that it is any less sad, or that person's children suffer any more or less than someone who lost a parent at a younger age. But I personally wouldn't consider it a tragedy. I know when my parents' time comes I'll be devastated, but if I'm lucky enough to have them around until they're 90 years old I won't consider it a tragedy.
For me, a tragedy would be something that goes against the natural life cycle.
can I play devil's advocte too? What is that 90 something year old person was hit by a car and died, would that not be "tragic"?
I just cannot fathom telling someone how to feel about a loss of a loved one
I don't think she was telling someone how to feel. I think she was speaking for herself. Frankly, I agree with her re: the 90 year old.
I think also think that the manner in which they die could be considered tragic. Getting hit by a car is tragic no matter what the age. Dying in your sleep at 90, I don't think is tragic.
My grandmother is in the hospital, at the age of 86. She has Alzheimer's & is in pain from various illnesses. I am sure this is going to sound horrible to some people, but if she were to pass in her sleep rather than suffer as she has, I think my family would be at peace with it.
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Posted 2/11/08 10:50 AM  |
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2girlsforme
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 2girlsforme
I've heard older people say that once their children are grown and settled they consider anything else they get in terms of time, "gravy." I guess I just identify with this pov.
OMG, I hope I NEVER feel that way...what a depressing way to live IMHO 
Really, Why?? As people age, I'm talking 70's, 80's here, mortality becomes something inevitable. As a parent, I can understand having a certain peace in seeing your children settled. It doesn't necessarily shape your life but, why is it bad to be thankful for seeing your children settled.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:50 AM |
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stickydust
Now a mommy of 2!!!
Member since 4/06 3164 total posts
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by eroxgirl
I think losing a parent is horrible no matter when it happens, but in all honesty it is inevitable - part of the natural life cycle. I don't necessarily consider someone dying at 90 years old a 'tragedy' because they've lived a full life. That does not mean that it is any less sad, or that person's children suffer any more or less than someone who lost a parent at a younger age. But I personally wouldn't consider it a tragedy. I know when my parents' time comes I'll be devastated, but if I'm lucky enough to have them around until they're 90 years old I won't consider it a tragedy.
For me, a tragedy would be something that goes against the natural life cycle.
I completely agree. Of course, loss at any age can be devastating and the "survivor" has every right to feel whatever emotions they feel. I don't think anyone is disputing the sense of loss or devastation. I just think there is an additional level of loss that is felt when a death goes against the "natural order of things".
For instance when a grandparent passes - it is always devastating but usually as one grows older you begin to expect that this person will pass sooner or later. You feel comforted by the fact that they led "a full life".
However, when a younger person dies - I think that not only do you grieve the person but you grieve the lost opportunities and I think it often makes you realize your own mortality because it goes against that order.
It shakes you up more...
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:51 AM |
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nrthshgrl
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 2girlsforme
I've heard older people say that once their children are grown and settled they consider anything else they get in terms of time, "gravy." I guess I just identify with this pov.
OMG, I hope I NEVER feel that way...what a depressing way to live IMHO
My dad feels that way about his life. His father died in his early 40s. For the last 20 years, he feels every day is a gift.
I don't consider that depressing at all.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:51 AM |
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pinkandblue
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by 04bride
just for the record again Dh did not say he wasnt sad for the loss of this persons mother he was just saying the word tragic that my mom used was not the right word in his eyes.
Loosing his mom he has more of an understanding than say i would whose mom is alive he was just saying he would not say TRAGIC.
I guess my gripe, is who cares what HE would say, who are we to say how others should feel. IMHO, he should not have said anything except "sorry for your loss"
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:52 AM |
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DaniJude
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Danielle
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
I have a friend who lost BOTH parents by the time he was FOURTEEN years old - leaving him nothing but an older brother - no other blood relatives - and "friends of the family" they thought cared who, one by one, quickly disappeared leaving just the two boys - my friend who was 14 and his older brother who was 18 - just old enough to care for him in the eyes of the State. They had their house - their family home that they grew up in - all of their parents belongings - personal things - everything - and lived there - just the two of them - the younger one in HS - the older one JUST started College. I think that, in this specific case, HAS to be harder than losing them when they were elderly and the boys grown, independent and w/ families of their own.
But every case, I believe, is different.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:53 AM |
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2girlsforme
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by stephanief
Posted by eroxgirl
My grandmother is in the hospital, at the age of 86. She has Alzheimer's & is in pain from various illnesses. I am sure this is going to sound horrible to some people, but if she were to pass in her sleep rather than suffer as she has, I think my family would be at peace with it.
Doesn't sound horrible to me, I've been there. My grandmother's last five years of life suc*ed and my family was also at peace when the suffering stopped.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:53 AM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 2girlsforme
I've heard older people say that once their children are grown and settled they consider anything else they get in terms of time, "gravy." I guess I just identify with this pov.
OMG, I hope I NEVER feel that way...what a depressing way to live IMHO
My dad feels that way about his life. His father died in his early 40s. For the last 20 years, he feels every day is a gift.
I don't consider that depressing at all.
That is fine. I guess the way it was worded came off as a depressing point of view. That our lives, once our children are grown is "gravy" time. I think that is different than saying "every day is a gift".....
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:53 AM |
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betty
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
I would not call dying at 90 tragic, sad yes, tragic, no. DH lost his father within 6 weeks of finding out he had cancer. That was tragic. It makes me so sad that DS only has 1 grandfather and DHs father never got to meet the clone of his son. If I am lucky enough to have my parents until they are 90 I will be extremely sad but I will know that they lived a full life.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:54 AM |
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pinkandblue
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by 2girlsforme
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 2girlsforme
I've heard older people say that once their children are grown and settled they consider anything else they get in terms of time, "gravy." I guess I just identify with this pov.
OMG, I hope I NEVER feel that way...what a depressing way to live IMHO
Really, Why?? As people age, I'm talking 70's, 80's here, mortality becomes something inevitable. As a parent, I can understand having a certain peace in seeing your children settled. It doesn't necessarily shape your life but, why is it bad to be thankful for seeing your children settled.
See my other post, I guess I misunderstood the meaning of "gravy time"
Message edited 2/11/2008 10:55:53 AM.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:54 AM |
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Ophelia
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 2girlsforme
I've heard older people say that once their children are grown and settled they consider anything else they get in terms of time, "gravy." I guess I just identify with this pov.
OMG, I hope I NEVER feel that way...what a depressing way to live IMHO
My dad feels that way about his life. His father died in his early 40s. For the last 20 years, he feels every day is a gift.
I don't consider that depressing at all.
my mother in law says the same thing. she'll be 75 this year.
I lost my grandmother in her early 50's and my grandfather at 69, and VERY suddenly.
I think that it's a great point to bring up the "natural order" of things. you expect people to be around for a certain time, and when they pass "early" or suddenly, shock compounds the grief.
there is a reason that saying "he/she lived a long life" is meant to be conciliatory.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:56 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
I lost my dad when I was 21. He was 55. In fact, my 21st birthday was the last day I spoke to him. He had a stroke the next day and died the day after. He never met my DH or my sister's DH. He never met our children. He never saw us graduate college, become adults, have careers, etc...
I still miss him almost every day- and he has been gone for 11 years now. I look at my DH and my DD and think about how much pleasure it would have brought him to know them, and how much pleasure it would have brought them to know him.
I think about how different my mom would be if my dad were still here. She still misses him every day. And although she has moved on with her life, there is still a sadness that never went away.
So maybe if you lose a parent younger, you feel the loss for longer. If you lose a parent older, I think you also have some consolation that they shared more life experiences with you. But that loss is still there. And there will be other life experiences that they will miss. I think either way, its tragic. A loss is a loss and it can hurt for the rest of the mourner's life.
Message edited 2/11/2008 11:15:49 AM.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:57 AM |
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Katie111806
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Death is tragic, no matter how you slice it. The fact that everyone deals with it differently just leaves it even more open to personal interpretation.
I've never lost a parent, but my mom lost her father when she was a teenager, and as someone else mentioned, it truly shaped her for life. I feel if he had lived to a ripe old age, her life would likely have been very different. And although I never met him, I feel a loss that I never got the opportunity.
I just had two "tragic" deaths in my family - my aunt at 48 and my cousin at 44, both leaving kids and spouses behind. Let me tell you - it's awful. My aunt's death was very sudden and my cousin was very sick, and I can personally say I feel differently about both deaths - but I'm heartbroken about both and don't feel that one is necessarily more "tragic" than another. And I have the same sadness and empty spot in my heart as I did when my grandfather passed at 80.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:57 AM |
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04bride
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 04bride
just for the record again Dh did not say he wasnt sad for the loss of this persons mother he was just saying the word tragic that my mom used was not the right word in his eyes.
Loosing his mom he has more of an understanding than say i would whose mom is alive he was just saying he would not say TRAGIC.
I guess my gripe, is who cares what HE would say, who are we to say how others should feel. IMHO, he should not have said anything except "sorry for your loss"
he didnt say it to the perosn who lost their mom.. he was talking to my mom and me!! omg i would kill him if he said it to teh perosn.. who the heck would do that!
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:57 AM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
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Stephanie
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by 04bride
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 04bride
just for the record again Dh did not say he wasnt sad for the loss of this persons mother he was just saying the word tragic that my mom used was not the right word in his eyes.
Loosing his mom he has more of an understanding than say i would whose mom is alive he was just saying he would not say TRAGIC.
I guess my gripe, is who cares what HE would say, who are we to say how others should feel. IMHO, he should not have said anything except "sorry for your loss"
he didnt say it to the perosn who lost their mom.. he was talking to my mom and me!! omg i would kill him if he said it to teh perosn.. who the heck would do that!
Oh, ok then, I stand corrected
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:57 AM |
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MrsPJB2007
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by 04bride
he didnt say it to the perosn who lost their mom.. he was talking to my mom and me!! omg i would kill him if he said it to teh perosn.. who the heck would do that!
yeah i definitely think that everyone is misunderstanding what you meant......people seem to be thinking that your DH TOLD your mom's friend that its not tragic or that its not as much of a loss. obviously that is not the case---something tells me that is why this has caused people to post about telling someone how to "feel" during a time of loss.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:59 AM |
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2girlsforme
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 2girlsforme
Posted by stephanief
Posted by 2girlsforme
I've heard older people say that once their children are grown and settled they consider anything else they get in terms of time, "gravy." I guess I just identify with this pov.
OMG, I hope I NEVER feel that way...what a depressing way to live IMHO
Really, Why?? As people age, I'm talking 70's, 80's here, mortality becomes something inevitable. As a parent, I can understand having a certain peace in seeing your children settled. It doesn't necessarily shape your life but, why is it bad to be thankful for seeing your children settled.
See my other post, I guess I misunderstood the meaning of "gravy time"
I guess old people talk differently  "Gravy" wouldn't necessarily be my first word choice either. But, I do have to say that watching my friend die at 36, has shaped who I am today. Five years later, I remind myself to be thankful for all that I have and I pray to be there for my kids. Is it depressing?? Maybe but seeing someone die so young, brought home to me the fact that it can and does happen.
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| Posted 2/11/08 10:59 AM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
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Stephanie
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by MrsPJB2007
Posted by 04bride
he didnt say it to the perosn who lost their mom.. he was talking to my mom and me!! omg i would kill him if he said it to teh perosn.. who the heck would do that!
yeah i definitely think that everyone is misunderstanding what you meant......people seem to be thinking that your DH TOLD your mom's friend that its not tragic or that its not as much of a loss. obviously that is not the case---something tells me that is why this has caused people to post about telling someone how to "feel" during a time of loss.
yes, I did misunderstand 
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:00 AM |
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jellybean78
:)
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Mommy
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
My dad died unexpectadly whenI was 17 he was 42. Although he knew he was sick he never told us and I think he honestly didn't know that he would pass away so young from it. For me it was very tragic because he never got to see my graduate, get married see my DD or my sisters DS.
My Mom's mom died when she was 56 my mom was 33. It was very tragic because she was so young and it was also somewhat unexpected. She wasn't feeling well went into the hospital had routine surgery and all of a sudden slipped into a coma and passed.
My grandfathers mom died in her 90's my grandfather was in his 70's. It was very sad but at the same time my Great Grandma saw alot...she got to see all her grandchildren and even great grandchildren. We still miss her but we felt like she led a long fufilling life.
I think no matter what it's sad but when someone dies when they are older or sick it's kind of expected and you are somewhat prepared KWIM?
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:00 AM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
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Stephanie
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by 2girlsforme
I guess old people talk differently "Gravy" wouldn't necessarily be my first word choice either. But, I do have to say that watching my friend die at 36, has shaped who I am today. Five years later, I remind myself to be thankful for all that I have and I pray to be there for my kids. Is it depressing?? Maybe but seeing someone die so young, brought home to me the fact that it can and does happen.
gotcha...sorry about your friend 
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:00 AM |
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frosty
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by Katie111806
I've never lost a parent, but my mom lost her father when she was a teenager, and as someone else mentioned, it truly shaped her for life. I feel if he had lived to a ripe old age, her life would likely have been very different. And although I never met him, I feel a loss that I never got the opportunity.
My life would have been completely different had my father not passed away when he did. It is kind of strange to think about.
Message edited 2/11/2008 11:15:48 AM.
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:01 AM |
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princess99
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ME
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Not to start anything, I lost my Mom when she was 53 and my Dad when he was 60. I lost both parents by the age of 30! A loss is a loss, but I cannot help but think a 90 yr old lived a full life, my parents did not get to enjoy there retirement, see there daughters get married, graduate college etc. This is a very sore subject with me, and I am sorry to come across nasty- but I feel like I was jipped. I get annoyed when people complain about there parents . Sorry, for the rant. Also, i was taking care of 2 sick parents in my 20's and early 30's while everyone was out living there lives. I do not regret for one second that I helped them, but to be 23 and taking your Mom for chemo or 30 and picking your father off the floor form a stroke is just terrible.
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:14 AM |
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mtnmama
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Message edited 10/7/2009 11:34:38 AM.
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:29 AM |
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Blazesyth
*yawn*
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Posted by princess99
Not to start anything, I lost my Mom when she was 53 and my Dad when he was 60. I lost both parents by the age of 30! A loss is a loss, but I cannot help but think a 90 yr old lived a full life, my parents did not get to enjoy there retirement, see there daughters get married, graduate college etc. This is a very sore subject with me, and I am sorry to come across nasty- but I feel like I was jipped. I get annoyed when people complain about there parents . Sorry, for the rant. Also, i was taking care of 2 sick parents in my 20's and early 30's while everyone was out living there lives. I do not regret for one second that I helped them, but to be 23 and taking your Mom for chemo or 30 and picking your father off the floor form a stroke is just terrible.
I agree. I lost my mother at 18 - she was sick and diagnosed with cancer when I was 15. Every life experience and milestone always has a little bit missing to it, and even the years up to her death were totally different experiences than it was for my friends.
For example - getting my drivers license meant that I was the one responsible to drive my mother to chemo. Getting a room on campus (Hofstra) wasn't a happy 'independence' thing - it was adjusting to living alone and taking care of myself and was necessary "just in case I die and your father sells the house, you can stay at school."
Your life is changed after the death of a parent. I'd much prefer to have my life changed at 30,40,50 instead of 18. I would be able to know my mother more, and she would be able to know me. I feel like she was taken away before I 'found' myself, and she will never know me.
Message edited 2/11/2008 11:37:39 AM.
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:36 AM |
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Chrisnamy
Summer is coming soon
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Amy
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Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?
Losing a Parent is always hard.
But since I lost a parent at a young age I would agree with your husband.
My Mom was still very young and she passed away in her sleep. No medical problems and 10 days before she passed away she had an EKG. it came back Normal. They said her heart just stopped.
My heart aches for your friend!
Message edited 2/11/2008 11:40:26 AM.
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| Posted 2/11/08 11:36 AM |
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