Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I think it's sad when anyone dies - no matter the age, no matter the cause.

My only experience so far is losing a parent at a young age. My father died when I was 23 - it broke my heart in ways that will never heal and I stilll feel the pain of his loss 16 years later.

My mother's father died when he was 99, I wouldn't presume to say she hurt less then I did but she doesn't consider it a tragedy.

I think comments like those mentioned in the original post may stem from envy. I would never judge how some feels or expect someone to feel a certian way. But I admit that I am compeltely envious of people that still have their fathers in their lives. I didn't get to dance with my father at my wedding, he never met my spouse, I don't remember what he sounds like and would do anything for one more hug from him.

Message edited 2/11/2008 11:43:54 AM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I didn't read every response thoroughly, but wanted to add my 2 cents.

I lost both of my parents before I turned 30,and they were young - in their 50s. I do think losing a parent is tough at any age, and I do feel sad often that they never met my husband or my DS or all but one of their other grandchildren.

I was close to both of them and while it would have been nice to have them around until they were 90, I don't know if it would have been easier to lose them then, I think it is apples and oranges. If they were around now, I think I would have a different relationship with them, now that I am a parent myself. I also would see my son lose his grandparents and my DH lost a MIL and FIL that would have adored him. Both of my parents died from cancer, but weren't sick for extremely long periods of time, so I really didn't have to see them suffer or deal with dementia.

I do think it is more tragic to lose your parents as a child. I have a friend who lost her mom at 9 and her dad at 11. She was raised by a brother and an aunt and I don't think she ever felt the same sense of security and belonging with her brother's family as she did with her parents. And she was basically on her own from the day she graduated high school. I can't even compare that loss to my own.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I did not loose a parent my husband did when he was 18. It was 3 months before he graduated from high school. I cannot even imagine how difficult it was.

There are a lot things about my husband that I know would be different if his father was stil alive. His mother who not be in the financial situation she is in (he is an only child). She would not be so dependant on him. He would not have had an anger issue like he did when he was in college. He would be cleaner, I know that sounds weird but his mother has always told me his father would not have tolerated his messes the way she did.

There are a lot things my husband wishes he would have done with his father when he was around.

I don't think its easy loosing a parent period, but when you are young and don't have children of your own I don't think you appreciate them (your parents) as much. I think it takes you having children to fully realize the love that your parents have for you.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I lost my dad when I was 6. He was 34. My husband lost his dad when he was 35 and his dad was 65. No matter how old you are, it is a tragedy and sad.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Personally, I lost my mom 6 years ago when I was 27, my mom was 54. She was sick and we knew she would die but it didn't make it any less upsetting. However, the fact we knew it would happen did take the surprise factor out of it.

To say whether or not it was tragic would depend on an individuals own definition of the experience and how they dealt with it. Too many factors are involved for me to answer that question one way or the other.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I lost my dad when I was 22. He was only 54 and died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I was heartbroken.

This past Sept. my grandmother died at the age of 93. Again I was heartbroken.

So in my case I felt the same sadness even though there was a 40 year age difference between the two.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I have not lost a parent but I have seen many friends through it, and my own parents have had 4 very different experiences with the loss of my grandparents.

My initial reaction is to absolutely say that it is a lot more difficult/tragic to lose a parent when you are young and the parent is young. Most of us would wish for our parents to live long and healthy lives and we'd feel robbed if that did not happen.

However, when a family loses someone in an untimely manner, they get a bit more support. The community grieves more with you when a death is not due to old age. Also, younger people have more living friends who do their part to help the family (though some people do feel that people avoid them after they have suffered a loss.)

I am not sure if this question has been asked, but a possible spinoff could be whether you feel that a death after a long illness is easier to deal with than a sudden death.

Message edited 2/11/2008 2:35:48 PM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

My DH lost his dad when he was 5 on Thanksgiving. In a way I think it is more tragic because he never got to spend time with his father.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

i think the loss of a parent is tragic at any age....It is a very personal thing and the death of a parent as a child affects differently then as an adult. but all the same, it is still difficult and sad.

however, i think when a child loses a parent, it is much more devastating. DH lsot his mother when he was 15, his sister was 11 and his brother 7. their lives were extremely affected by the death and i think life would have been better for them had their Mom been there for them. my DH was forced to grow up and sacrifice so much more than any young kid should have had to give up to help take care of his brothers and sisters. His sister grew up withotu a Mom in a male-dominated house. His youngest brother struggled in school and made some other decisions in life that he may not have made if he had his mother to guide him. although they have all grown up and moved on and have fmailies of their own, i think the loss of their mother is something they still carry with them to this day.... and they always think "what if..." or when we all got married and the babies are being born, it's hard for them.

that said though, of course it's still hard when you're an adult and you lose a parent, but i think as an adult, you have the coping mechanisms to deal with it better and you have been raised and have substanital time spent with the parent.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

My father died at 78 after seriously suffering in pain in a hospital setting for over 9 months. He lived a good and full life and would probbably say he had no regrets. The tragedy is that he had to spend his final days in pain and not being able to see his children's dreams come true.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

To me, the loss of a parent is always sad. Whether the parent is 100 or 45, it's sad.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I don't think man kind can ever get use to death and so no matter what age it still hurts like hell to loose someone.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

my parents and DH lost a parent at a very young age. I am not saying it's any worse than if they had lived a full life, but my parents and DH often say that they feel robbed.

my Dad lost his Dad when he was only 5
my Mom lost her dad when she was 15 (and then her Mom died when my Mom was 24)
DH lost his Dad when he was 17

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

as some who lost their Mother young - 52

I was 27, my brother was 24, my sister was 21

much of our grief comes from the milestones she missed

1 college graduation, 3 weddings, future grandchildern

I didn't have my Mom on my wedding day- I have no one to come help me with my first child

I can't say it would be easier in 30 years to lose to her- but I can't even type this with out crying

and yes she was sick- so I guess I should have been "prepared" but you can never be prepared for this

it completely changes your life and everything about it- it freaking *****

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I understand what your DH is saying....

The best way I can explain it is that it's a different type of mourning. I lost my dad when I was 13, and he was 51. I also recently lost my cousin (who was an adult, but still quite young)....


When I lost my grandparents, I of course was very sad and in mourning. Everyone was sad.... BUT, the thing said at all the wakes was 'at least they had a full life and saw their family grow'. That rationalization doesn't sound like much, but it really does soothe the family during that difficult time.

You can't say that when a person is under 55. they're not grandparents, they were still in the prime of their lives, and the family expected them to be around another 20+ years. The younger the person is, and the more sudden the death, the more horrific the exhibition of grief becuase of the family's unrest.... since they 'didn't have a full life yet'. Hearing 'only the good die young' just twists the knife in your side even more

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

It is sad at any age. I lost my mom when I was 20 (she was 56) and my dad died 4 months later. He was 64. I was lucky to have my mom until I was 20, but I look back at all the things she never saw- my college graduation, the man I fell in love with, the day I got engaged (the hardest) my wedding day and if I am blessed with a child, then she will miss that too. (I refer to Mom cause we were closer) Losing a parent is the hardest thing in the world. You feel like a piece of your heart has been taken from you.

Message edited 2/11/2008 8:13:01 PM.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I agree with you. If someone loses a parent at 52 and someone else loses a parent at 90, either way you look at it, both lost someone dear to them and it's their parent! I disagree when I hear someone asking how old was the person's parent?? Does it even matter? It does not matter how old someone's parent was when they passed. It matters that the person lost a parent!! My Dad passed away in 2006. He was 52. He died suddenly. It wouldn't have mattered if he was 92. My Dad died.

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?

I don't think you can make a rule about it. It's not something that can be young=sad; middle age = not as sad; older = not really sad.

DH's father died a few months before he was born. While he wonders sometimes how his life may have been different, it is never sadness (and he doesn't remember sadness in his childhood), but if he lost his mother now at 65 - he would be heartbroken - they went through alot together.


there are so many scenarios

Re: do you think loosing a parent when they are younger is more tragic then if they have lived a full life?